What have I (We) done?

I say "I" because it is personal. I say "we" because I know I am not alone. I have too many young adult clients who echo the words I have heard in my own home. Is it possible we have create a generation of young people who think the good times of their life have tapped out at 18? Time and time again I hear clients ask, "What's the point?" (of living). Just today a young woman, a bright, graduated early with an engineering degree type of bright, young woman who said " I don't know how my parents have done this for 30+ years, work 9 hours a day, go home exhausted and go to bed so they can do the same thing tomorrow, I did it for a summer and I couldn't stand it." She is currently taking some time off from Grad school. I have heard in my own home, "You work to pay bills, to work to pay bills". I know I am lucky and LOVE my work, so it seldom feels like work, I hope I have conveyed that accurately.But that hasn't seemed to make a difference. My droning about " Doing something you love so it doesn't feel like work" is as effective as the cheer squad calling a " Block-that-Kick" cheer. It sounds nice, but has nothing to do with the outcome. I remember as a 14 year old looking enviously at the Junior girls with their car keys flipping around in their hands. I could not wait to get my license and walk the halls of the school with the confidence I decided those older girls must have. Yet, I have nieces and nephews with NO desire to get drive a car. I also remember being so excited about getting older and freer, able to make my own decisions and do what I want. I started collecting kitchenware in preparation for my own apartment when I was 16 (I do know that was odd). I couldn't wait to stay up as late as I want, not have to tell someone where I was going to be, and did not have a problem having to pay for it on my own. There were lean months, when tuition was due, ramen noodles and budgeting for food was key.I knew it was going t be work, and hard and I COULD NOT WAIT! Now I find many young people who are disenchanted with what life has to offer. Have we made them think the best years are behind them? I, like most people in my community, have spent the better part of the past decade with my life built around the needs of my children. Sports practices that begin at 5 pm (Hello, we are still at the office!),causing people to scramble to adjust their WORK schedule for their children's schedule. Games that take place in the mornings during traditional religious worship times (not a factor for my family, but I am sure others). I have seen families pay more than they can afford to take a 10 year olds to football championships in Florida! Our behavior elevates their importance, the importance of recreational sports, over family time. We take them out of school for these events, out of school, for a sporting event, for days..... When will they get to, in their adult world, get to miss work to play with their friends, for days, all expenses paid? I have had a nephew who had to cancel a college visit, because, while his school allows for missing days to check out a college, his position on his team was endangered if he missed a practice?? WTH? What is the message we are giving them? Why are we giving it? Is it effective in the way we want it to be? I will never say my marriage failed because it was a backseat to the children, it's actually because of the children that it lasted as long as it did. I do, though, have plenty of clients who tell me, "of course" their marriage comes after the children's needs. They make sure they spend time with their children, and do family things with their parental counterpart. They have forgotten, it's because of that counter-part that the children are there to begin with. I hear that they don't know what their children would do for 20 minutes or so that they can talk to their husband/wife privately, daily. Or they have not gone out on a date, they have not shown their children that every once in a while you get dressed nice and spend alone time with the person you fell in love with, and THEY stay home and watch a movie with the babysitter or Au pair ( www.croche.aupairnews.com). If children get the message that THEY are the most important people in the family, what's to grow up to? Becoming the not most important person? Having to give up what you like for your children? Is it a wonder we have a generation who is more comfortable making the commitment to have a child than they are making a commitment to a marriage? How have we made the idea of committing to one person look like it's a benefit? I know for myself, one failed long term relationship after my divorce made me commit to children first until they were grown. I didn't want them to experience another loss in case a relationship didn't work, yet I wonder what that decision made them believe about relationships.

I am alone in that car now. All three boys have achieved levels of independence that I can count on two hands the number of times we are all in a car together. I am very much thinking the best is yet to come for myself. I did have a ball when my children were young (true confessions, adolescent years will never go down as my favorite or best mothering). I just know now that I am more sure of myself, more open about possibilities and eager and able to knock off some bucket list items. I know my future will be more about me than the last 50 years have been, and I am excited about that. I hope that energy helps my sons see that adulthood can be awesome.

Warning Explicit Parental Screw up ahead

I messed up, messed up fairly big. It has taken me months to be willing to acknowledge it. The cost was a bit of integrity and humiliation. I can pay that. I still have lots of the first and a huge capacity for the second in me. It started as a innocent enough idea. I had seen interviews with an Author on several occassions. I liked what I had heard. Knowing my children have had little to no experience in seeing a healthy functional relationship between partners, I have for years tucked the name of his book in the back of my mind, trying to figure out the correct time and way to share it with my boys. As any parnt of a teen knows, just talking about ceertain subjects, especially during the " my parents are so stupid years", is not an option. NO amount of saying, " hold the door for a girl," " Give a girl compliments" " Ask if there is anything you can do" can replace watching it happen in real life. So I had this book idea. When #1 left for college several people asked what they could send him. I will leave out names to protect the innocent, as she was truly an innocent in this debacle, but one dear friend said they didn't want to spend $15 to send a box of $3 rammen noodle, entirely reasonable. So I said 'There's a book I've been wanting him to have, I think it's on Amazon, here's his address" And it was done... A few hours later, I had a minute to look inside the book, something I had never thought to do before. That's when I realized what my dear friends had innocently sent my son was a manual on sex, oral sex to be exact. In a panic I called her, between her laughing hysterics, we both went on to Amazon to try to stop it, Damn Amazon, so efficient.... She was also a little upset with me, I truly do not always do my homework. Which I'm sorry she should know, forgotten passports, wrong airports, I do not exactly have a reputation for attention to detail. She texted my son and said "The wrong book was sent out, please discard it". And that was that. It was not spoken of, I assumed he got the book. My friend assumes my son now sees her as a dirty old lady. and I would like to never recall the incident again. Until, Until he was home for Christmas and these two very important people in my life were going to be in the same room at the same time and she, rightfully so, insisted I confess. So I brought my son into my office, the room where all important conversations take place. And I paced, and he looked at me quizically, and I said, "I owe you an apology.... " I recounted the entire story what I had hoped( thought) the book was about, having it sent off, reading some of the book, discovering it's true intention, my embarassment. He said ' I think you are making too much of a big deal about this, My friends & I just looked at the pictures then I got rid of it." My heart stopped. There were pictures? He showed his friends? OMG... What type of reputaion does Mrs. Roche & her friends have down at JMU? If you want the name of the book, let me know...

One less passenger in the car

driving off on his own

He's off. After a flat tire start to the day, my first born was delivered to JMU, his new home for four years. To be honest, I am doing better than I thought I would, and better than he thought I would too, as he told me in front of his roommates family. " I thought she'd be worse" was the quote.
I have a few idea why I don't feel the earth beneath my feet has given way. First and quite incidentally, #2 started moving into #1's room before we even left the driveway. Looking back this was a good thing, I ran into another recently launched mom and she said the worst was walking by his empty room. Not an issue here.
And as you know I am a big fan of Mother Nature. She prepared us brilliantly. The day before he left I was helping him pack, " Oh I only have 7 pair of underwear", " NOW!, TODAY! you tell me this!" I not so calmly responded. " Today is the day I am packing" was his very calm reply incensing me all the more. Just then a friend texts me asking how it was going. My text back was " My sadness is tempered by my desire to ring his neck". I also called his dad, who was on stand by to help load the van and suggested he come sooner rather than later as there may be No child to send to college if I was left alone with him for much longer.
I also changed my room around, and painted for the first time in my life ( lame I know), and planned a dinner with friends, and sobbed sometimes, and signed up for trainings I have long wanted to do but was too busy parenting to have time for.
Making lunch for two hurt the first time, and the first time we sat down for dinner I noticed the dog was missing. Instead of her usual spot between Alex's chair and my own, she was upstairs lying by his bed in his new room. She knows. I wish I could bring her down when we go to visit in 34 days (who's counting?), but alas not possible.
#2 has taken over Alex's request for a picture a day of the dogs, and I am trying very hard to own my mother's mantra of " No news is good news".  And there are times, with our own busy lives that it feels right to have things the way they are. Then I heard his voice and had to hang up cause I started to cry. I am not sure how long I can go without laying eyes on my son, but we have not settled into a routine yet, he needs a week or two to get the feel of the place before I ask more of him, it's just how he works. We have sent pictures of food we have eaten, he has complained about the " girls" umbrella I packed for him, it was brown not black (who knew?) . He's already made plans to not come straight home at Thanksgiving break ( deep breath, don't let him hear your gasp), and he has figured out a whole lot. I am happy for him, and that beats my sad any day of the week, even if the car is a little lighter.
,

So I guess this is it then

7 days and counting til my oldest bird is out of the nest. This is the moment right? The one I was supposed to be thinking about and striving for since 11:03am  on February 17, 1995. Since the Dr with the red rimmed glasses handed the messy bundle over to me, who, with his blurry newborn eyes, established and intense " Are you my mother?" stare at me.
I have certainly seen the back of his head way more than I have seen his beautiful brownish eyes in the past four years. I guess just getting ready for next week. lots of practice, I have had with not seeing his face.
This is the moment I have been getting him ready for, to make his own decisions. Like when he was three and had two weeks of no daytime diapers and when getting ready for bed one night said to me, " Do I have to wear a diaper to bed?" and I said, " Well if you are ready to not wet your bed you can go without one," and he replied," OK, I am ready" and he was. It's amazing how my mind remembers these details and yet has lost so many others.

This is the moment he has been pulling for since the day he was 12 and working on my computer in my office and I asked him for something and his reply was 'It's MY life!". And I covered my smile with my hand because I wanted that movement to independence for my far too compliant and obedient first born.

And yet, while on vacation last week, the snarly, impatient mini~monster I have been tolerating made room for my boy to come back to me, with his out of no-where bear hugs and goofy " Mudder" when he wanted my attention. I know we will be in each others lives, and I know the importance of the parent child relationship, heck I make a living helping people who have decades ago left home unravel the ties that bind them to their parents. I also know, things will never be the same again. That the seat to my right at the table, where my oldest grunted at me for so long, or tolerated my game of  " High's & Low's"or sat when we played Golf or Hearts will be empty. And when he does return to resume his place he will be different, He will have had experiences I am sure I do not want to hear about for at least 5 years. And I will be different, having found my bearings after the nest tipped from the weight of him leaving it. We will have to find a place for him again that does not unbalance all of us.

#2 is ready to pounce on his room, it is practical, yet feels too soon, Plus#1 is refusing to take down his " decorations", which amount to several hundred carefully cut out pictures from his sports illustrated magazines. There are moments I cannot breathe. "He He Hwoo" isn't cutting it, like it didn't cut it 18 1/3 years ago.

I have fretted for years over what my parting words to him will be, something meaningful that he will surely forget in his anxiety filled state I was thinking,, but now I think, no. This is good. This is what we worked for, this is what I hoped for for him. It has been a pleasure.

It does look like she pushed him a little bit, must have been one of those defiant days

Generations

My son graduated high school today. I've been crying about his impending move on and off for a few months now, broken up by passionate packing of his belongings, when he drives me crazy, to hasten his trip. I imagine the same thing is happening in houses across the country, the world.
This morning, as I was getting ready I felt like the Long Island medium. I wore my grandmother's bracelet on purpose. I wanted her close today. I got more than I bargained for. For most of the early morning, I could not stop crying, and I felt such a pressure in my body. I wrestled with what kept looping in my head for a good 45 minutes. "He already thinks you are wierd, this will build his case." I said to myself. " Stop! Just stop!" I admonished the pressure and the tears, but they kept up. I tried to relieve a bit of the pressure by hugging him before we got in the car. I told him, "your great -grandfather could not finish high school, as smart as he was, with his eye on being a doctor. His family needed money and in those days, that meant quitting school and going to work. This is why today is important."  It helped only for a little while.

As we got on the highway the tears and the pressure resurfaced. It seemed inevitable, that as crazy as my son was going to decide I was, I had to tell him. I had to say the words I was being compelled to express from a different place and time.
So finally between exits 8 and 7 on I-84, I said, " Nanna and Pop-pop are so proud of you and they would be so happy to be able to be here with you today." He looked at me sideways, I'm confident he was thinking "Why didn't I catch a ride with my friends?" I felt like I had to explain myself a little. I told him." What you  do, what all of us do, while we think it is for our life here and now, it is actually for the future, for our grandkids and great grandkids down the line." I felt an immediate relief and we were quiet the rest of the ride to the stadium.
 What he did, Vincent Amedeous Baldassari, sacraficing his education for the good of his family was a lesson,  and he worked hard and had an amazing, world-traveling life inspite of his early sacrafice. And as you can see from the picture, he was a loving Great- Grandfather. I can hear the noise he was making to make Alex laugh as I type. They are alike, my stoic son and my stoic grandfather.
May his wisdom and strength guide you and support you in your adventures Alex. They would have been so pleased and proud.

Natural Child Launching

I do believe life is a circular. What you had visited you will visit again.

I gave birth to my children naturally. I did it for a variety of reasons, none of which were about being Superwoman. Most honorably I did it because I did not want drugs in my child, I also did not want drugs in myself ( I never feel good under anethesia) I did not want to miss a moment of this miracle and  the idea of someone sticking a needle in my back is enough to bring up my gag reflex even this morning, 15 years after my last child was born. I can honestly say the pain was so bad I wanted to die, 6 times, I counted. So I expected it with each subseqent pregnancy, and I have convinced myself I can count through anything. Plus the nature of child birth, of rest time inbetween the pain, made it, in my mind, tolerable. Then he had colic for three months and my patience were tried beyond what I would have thought was humanly possible.

 I am currently reassessing a few of my previously held premises. Or atleast reevaluating under the current parental challenge. I am  getting ready to launch an adoescent into college life. I would say Adulthood, but that would be a lie. He is still dependent on his father & me financially, so "college life" is as much as I will acknowledge. The pain associated with this process, while never reaching the "wanting to die " level, it atleast equivelant to a total body sunburn. I just can't get away from it. I try, I ran away last night, all the way to Big Y, where I spent my time buying things for THEM. I suck at running away.

My house is not one for the drama of " I hate you, " You are ruining my life", slamming doors and stomping feet. Ours is more like the cold war of the 80's. The silence is piercing. The tension is palpable. And I cannot stand it. I cannot count through it, and quiet honestly I think I will be just fine if I don't remember all of it.  As a family therapist, I understand it all. But unlike knowing when the wave of a contraction will build and ebb, this provides no break. It is a constant rawness of Grand Canyon eske distance, in the same house. Getting them to sit for 20 minutes for dinner before each returns to their own cave, leaving me with the echos of the quiet kitchen is torturous, for me. I realize some would find this a blessing.

What is reassuring is threetimes in the past week I have been told what a "nice kid" he is. I witnessed myself how he stayed behind and helped a girl pull a paddleboat out of the water,( while the only othermale in the group walked up the hill ahead of them) and I felt a swell of pride. In that moment saw both his great-grandfather and father in him. That I no longer have access to that side of him,the " nice" side is a good part of the pain. I know he is under a great deal of stress looking at leaving all he has ever known and venturing off into new waters, 7 hours from home, does nothing to comfort me when ever time I open my mouth I am met with  a clipped, sharp  you-are-so-annoying tone. I need a break from it.

Then there's this idea he has that one should be completely closed off. I am told literally nothing. I learn more from his friends than he would ever share. He has some ideas in his head that he needs to work out, and I know I cannot be part of it.

Whenever he really hurts me, I go pack a few more things for him to take to school. Atleast a little reminder that soon it will be over, and yet.
And yet I can only imagine this current pain will be replaced with another pain. I know it is easier to part when we are already distant. I don't want that for either of us.
My friends know, I am not a big drinker. Pathetic actually. Not that I do not enjoy a glass of wine on occassion. I do always struggle at the DR's office when filling out the frequency chart for drinking. There is no box to check for one glass every other month or so category. But two glasses will put me under, it's a liver thing I guess. I have decided though that some form of anethesia for the remainder of this launching sequence may not be a bad thing. Take the sting off the sunburn or such.

Endings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnQ8N1KacJc&feature=player_embedded

So a long time ago, as the world watched the last episode of  Seinfeld and this poignant song played in the background, I knew in my bones my marriage was over.I haven't told anyone that before, until today. It took another three years for my knowledge to become reality. But that night, standing in my living room with my newborn, a 20 month old and a 3 year old and the neighbor who came to watch with me because my husband had gone to VT, in an emergency jaunt to return a table to his father, something inside me knew. That emergency jaunt was a huge sign, we, like most,  had watched most of Seinfeld together over the course of our life. Missing the last one, the one the world turned into, yeah something was over. "Another turning point a fork stuck in the road." "Something unpredictable but in the end was right."
" yada yada yada, & I mentioned the bisque"

This week, Thursday to be exact, another TV show ends, coinciding with another ending in my life. The kids and I were late to " The Office". My brother Sean mentioned it to me one year at Christmas, we watched an episode or two but it was mean. I was still getting over how mean Napoleon Dynamite was, I wasn't ready for Dwight & Jim & Michael. Then, on a vacation when the kids needed to get out of the sun in the middle of the day, we got hooked. We looked forward to our "Office" siesta each day. So much so that when we came home, we Netflixed all the past seasons and marathon watched them.

This was back when Netflix was on computers, and we hunkered down in my office to my 18 inch desk top to watch back to back episodes from the end of school Friday to late Saturday night. On these nights, when I see my children's faces for all of 20 minutes over dinner, these memories are sweet.

Their bodies squeezing into the love seat with me, fighting over who gets to sit next to me, "HA "very different from the four of us and two dogs fighting for inches on my king sized bed, and compressing their bodies so as not to brush up against me by accident.

So we watched. We pulled " Jim's" on each other, we cheered for Pam & Jim to get together, we laughed at Dwight's blind devotion to Michael, we were blown away by the writing and creativity, we cried when Michael left (OK that was just me, but they wondered if it would still be as good), we worried about the fate of Pam & Jim's relationship when Brian the camera man seemed interested and Jim was busy with his new company.We talked about what it takes to make relationships work, even make believe ones. It brought us together for one night a week for half and hour. Nick watches when Matt is not around, for hours on end. We have several board games, a few T-shirts, Dwight squishy heads and know what episode is coming before the openning credits play.

And this week, it's over.
 And Alex is leaving.
 Not this week, but since " The Office" is one of the only things that anchors him to this house, and AP exams are over, I'm thinking I may be seeing the back of his head more than anything else soon.
This Thursday, I will savor every moment of the last two hours of "The Office", and the four of  us hunkered together in the same 6X6 space. I am confident I will cry, and they will role their eyes. This is a TV show ending for them, and a turning point for us as a family.
And I can honestly say I had the time of my life.