Calling Red Tenters

I know a lot of you read this, but don't follow it or comment on it. Good thing there is a counter & I know close to 8000 reader's have checked out what I write. My brother's would assume I keep reading myself over & over again to drive up the numbers. But I know you are out there, so I  am looking for help, and it was too much to put in a comment on Facebook.
A dear friend of mine, after 18 years of raising her son, told me , upon the moment of release at college, "I had nothing, 18 years of raising him; this is the moment, sending him off to the world, & I was blank. So I hugged him and said, "Be good". " BE GOOD! that's all I could come up with. Then I cried the whole way home."
Ice ran through my veins. I've already imagined Nick driving and Michael keeping me in constant supply of puffs as we drive back from the drop off, but I hadn't considered the " MOMENT". I don't have a lot of Momisms for the kids to live by. There's not gonna be " My momma always said.." except for a favorite spanish idiom that the kids swear does not mean what I told them it meant. " Aunque le mone se vista de seda, mona se queda". It is a huge stress reliever when said with real emotion, even if it means nothing.
I decided I am going to prepare. I am going to give that highly charged emotional moment its proper due.So I am going to thank him for the ride. And I have decided there's not just one comment I can leave him with, so I am making a full calendar for him. If your mom or dad gave you a gem of wisdom, please leave the comment for me, I plan on filling everyday in his freshman year.

Jane's been sending me some. Please add your thoughts!

WWYD?

So this whole it takes a village thing. I love it, I believe in it, and I am wondering to what extent it goes. What would you do?

One of my son's friends was given alcohol, which he showed to my son. OK, I am going light , he brought it, with my son's permission, over. Luckily they decided not to partake & were discovered, cause my kids are pretty bad at being bad. His father & I handled our son, and after my encouragement, his father made sure the other family was made aware of their child's actions. I would want to know.

Dear Newtownians,
     If you see any of the Roche children step over the line, feel free to both reprimand them,  & then PLEASE call me.

Thanks,
Cathy

But what about the older teen who gave my son's friend the alcohol. I want that name. I want his/her parents to know. I want to assume, they would want to know that their kid gave alcohol to a 14 year old.
My son's friend is clammed up, but he'll want to come over sooner or later and he will have to look me in the eye, I'm thinking I can get it out of him, but should I?

If I don't I feel like I am part of the turn your head & look the other way society. If I do.....I risk being seen as an even worse "that Mom" than the kids already see me as. & rippled social effects on my kids.

Thoughts???
Sorry no pictures, not feel it tonight.

Wonders of the world

 I had to go all the way to Puerto Rico to get back into my blog. For some reason in CT I have been locked out.. I apparently had to go all the way to Puerto Rico to see Nick willingly read a book, Alex cuddle Michael, and some other wonders of the world!

This has simply been one of the best vacations of my life. Except for the sibling rivalry which apparently came with our carry-ons, and started on the the plane when #3 did not get the window seat he wanted. & #1&#2 thought he was fair game to use as their joint pillow. Luckily my ditziness tends to keep their focus elsewhere ( like their own personal safety) most of the time. This trip started with me misplacing my car keys in the JFK parking lot at 4:30 in the morning. We dumped every bag I handled in order to find them. Which made us late, way late like, as the nice flight attendant said to me as I ran onto the place " You almost lost your seat", I glanced back to a family of four eying me like hyenas at the watering hole. The door shut behind my rushing ass. not a good sign.
But we got here and packed so much into a week. When my kids were little I was discouraged that they did not enjoy the beach as I did, well, no longer true. Yeah! And we hiked ( and they didn't complain) 45 minutes straight up ( and they didn't complain) and they saved Michael from non fatal or potential drowning, yet they reached out their arms to him, and that counts as something. And we Zip lined, and saw Flamenco dancers, we did not died in a car accident, which is nothing short of a miracle they way these people drive.
We kayaked, in the dark, with only glow bracelets showing the way, under trees with thick branches jutting out, and we didn't kill each other. And my kids saw family dynamics first hand in our fellow passengers, and had thoughful comments " Why would you spend the money to do something like this drunk out of your head? What a waste of money, they won't even remember it!"
And the stoic Alex talked a lot, and smile, and sang & for a little while I had my boy back, before school takes him away, and then college really takes him away. & they walked with their arms around me, and we had conversations about politics and morals, and health & sexuality ( & once again I am saying Newtown School system, you give them too much information when they are too young to process it!, by virtue of the conversation he had at dinner the other night.)
And then there was the best line of the week, as I missed the exit to our hotel and was struggling to find our way back. Nick says" Oh I recognize this place!" " You do? I ask, hopefully. " Yeah," he says, " it's called Lost, we've been here a thousand times before."
And while I missed my friends and was at times frustrated with the boys, I am sure when I am away with my friends in a few weeks, I will wish my boys were with me again.

Still waters run deep

So I do at times poke fun at #1 son on here. He is the least talkative of my children. Observes more than engages. At times comes off as awkward even with people he knows well, or at least for a long time. Plus he has that missing connections thing. Like when he asked me if we had a skillet or cutting board before making his Culinary project for school. I know I am not a "cook" but I do have to cook, and he has eaten what has been made in the skillet and on the cutting board.The kitchen is right here in the open, not behind some closed door. I would expect him not to know if I had facial moisturizer, although he does know I have that.  We, the other three of us who get the obvious, exchange knowing looks, and wonder about his independence at college.
And then, and then out of know where he says something that lets me know, in that head of his, he is paying attention. He is putting things together. He is going to be OK, and I am relieved.
#3 was having some issues at school. The regular who is "in" and who is "out" stuff everyone ages 11-14 painfully deals with. I of course ( internally) respond most inappropriately wanting to coddle my baby, and physically harm those who have scorned him. ( It is all internal folks. trust me)  Externally I have him list ALL the kids he likes, not just the 6 who turned their backs on him this week, and he hopefully sees the world is bigger than these boys, this school, this town etc...But inside I still hurt for for him.
I also, being a systems therapist, look at how he is treated by his big brothers and see how being left out is a position he has become accustom to, and is perhaps unknowingly recreating for himself, but I digress. In talking to #1 about the current issue and asking him about his own experiences he simply says, " He ( #3) is telling himself he is not as good as them just because they did this. You have to choose your own attitude."
This is not one of my sayings. I have sayings, a few, but this is not one of them, and I am so impressed with #1 I almost do something as foolish as throw my arms around the timid creature, but I know if I want him within my general vicinity at all I must proceed with caution. So I gently slap his leg in glee and ask him where he got that from. He just shrugs his shoulders (the typical adolescent response to anything from, Where's your pants? to How did the dent get in the car?)
Maybe he won't starve to death in college after all.

HE smiled at me.

It's Prom season in Newtown. And this is not the Prom's of the 80's. Just logistically it is so very different. Rare is the Junior who has had his license long enough to drive his date. Plus with the 11 pm  car curfew, I am confident there won't be groups of kids camping out at Compo beach overnight like back in the day. ( I was the 4th kid, my parents were tired)
So these teens have the ever classy bus to drive them to their destination with Mom & Dad providing the driving too and from. I'm not complaining, I am sure there will be far less drinking & driving, & other activities teens like to engage in ( or at least that is what I am telling myself.)
Another change is it is no longer "The Junior Prom" it's just called PROM. & the class doesn't spend money sending out invitation that have been picked & designed by the class officers, (secretly also mentally preparing for their weddings) You just simply go and buy your tickets. Rather anticlimactic. I don't even know if there's a Prom theme, or if they will be getting those tacky engraved glasses we gave out.  Perhaps this is a more eco-friendly time. How many prom glasses have made their way to dumps after bouncing through tag sales?
Also different is how the asking goes. Apparently THIS is the big deal, the way to express the individuality taken by the restraints placed on the students. I have heard of a scavenger hunt, a T-Shirt laden group of minions propose at a local basketball game. I was thrilled to be asked for ideas by #1.
He asked me how I was asked. It was unceremonious but exciting each time. We ran through a few different possible scenarios the weekend before Valentines day, knowing V-Day would be the day of the asking. Settled on a Valentine Pez dispenser where a candy was replaced by a note with the word "Prom?" on it. He had to feign inability when his date to be asked him to do a forward flip on her trampoline for fear it would fall out of his pocket prematurely. It must have been hard for him not to display his physical prowess, for fear of exposure. Ultimately the deed was done.
We've been fighting about whether or not moms of the males are allowed at the group picture taking session. He insists it's a moms of females only thing. I have no idea where he gets his ideas from but this is the same kid who, a mere 4 weeks ago asked me if we owned a cutting board and skillet.  I insist if I don't go, he will be mad at himself for the rest of his life because I will remind of  it for the rest of his life.
I did get to take him for his Tux. After introducing him to the salesman, I stepped back & let them get the male type work done. Until, until he put on the jacket, and stepped in front of the mirror. And he turned to me, and smiled.

Passing of the taxi cab keys

It's here! It's finally here! Feb 11th 2012 , the day I can officially turn over the taxi cab keys to Alex. The day the State of Connecticut feels he has had enough experience so that my entire life can be driven around in his hands. I took a picture of the first time he & Nick got in the car together, they were ducking ( not ideal driving posture) so as not to get in the picture.

Then we all got in the car for my belated birthday dinner at The Melting Pot, ( shouldn't I be getting some type of advertising comission?) Alex at the wheel, Nick was on GPS & Michael decided it was his job to try desperately hard to keep me from being a back seat driver. & I really didn't want to be. I wanted to sit back there, all relaxed, enjoying being driven for the first time in a long time. Think about that, as a single mom, you don't get to be in the passengars seat much, & the back seat almost never. Ok, mind back on the task. So while Michael was trying to hold my hands down from grabbing Alex to show him how to drive and covering my mouth ,with a third hand that came out of no where, so I would stop making those noises I recall my  mother making constantly, Nick was steady at the helm with the GPS in hand. I had no idea my #1 son had no concept of what a mile was. " turn here?"  #2: " No in a mile". 2 seconds later,  #1: " Ok so this turn?"
 #2 " No now it's in .8 miles"  Pretty sure if #1 has no idea what a mile is, .8 miles is also lost on him. I really had no idea, kind of like when they say " In a minute" in a hospital~ unless you have been there before you do not realize that hospital minutes are 1=45 of non-hospital minutes. Up until recently a MILE was what he had to run  once a year for a fitness test and wanted to do it in less that 6 minutes. Now a little black rectangle is telling him his next turn is in this forgein term of measurement. Must be hard.

So we get to the resturant, have a wonderful dinner and are getting ready to leave. Nick looks at me and says, " If Alex is driving home would you sit in the front? I don't like being afraid for my life." I looked between my two young men, who are truly now two young men. Nick turned to Alex and said " You drive to fast and follow too close  like REALLY, where are you going? give them room! and you wait way too long before you break when you are coming up on a car in front of you." Spoken like a true ...little brother? Old Soul? Parent? He turned back to me and said, " I found myself stepping on the floor in front of me like I wish I had a brake there I could use" ( thought that was  a parent thing, guess it's instinct)
     Alexs' outraged response was " I haven't gotten into an accident yet"~ as if  ~ as if. Teen logic. I'm not dead so I guess everything I have done thus far is okay. Scary what we parents of teens are working with.
She didn't get pregnant last time we didn't use a condom so I guess we don't have to use one this time.. I didn't die last time I drank and drove so I think I can do it again, I obviosuly have skills others don't. I didn't hit a rock and crack my head open last time I bridge jumped so I bet it's all something parents make up to stop us from having fun, and there's no real rocks under the water. Scary. But it's what we've got.
       I hand over the taxi keys and watch all 6 legs of my life pack into the car of someone capable of killing them all in one moment of bad decision making. I breathe a sigh of relief that I can sit home and finally read some of my old Oprah magazines that are pileing up while I have been running the taxi service. Maybe with a glass of wine to take the edge off of the thought in the first line of this paragraph.

On-line dating

The world of online dating is complicated when you are a therapist. I found this out shortly after I was divorced when one of my clients found my profile on a dating site and inboxed me through it to ask to change his appointment time. When you are supposed to be, at times, not much more than a reflecting mirror, the last thing I needed was to have my personal life, and lame attempts at explaining " What I am looking for in a partner", and all the goofiness profiles ask you to lay out there, read by someone who was coming in to pay me to hear his life's trauma. He now knew too much and the balance shift was uncomfortable. I enjoy being a little, a lot, anonymous with my clients. Two seperate worlds- works for me:-).

Then there was the experience of when I had stopped at a deli to grab a snack with my boys prior to dropping them at their dad's house. A man recognized me from the site. I did not used my name in it, but a profile Id, he assumed it was related to my real name and started calling for me across the deli. I did not respond because, well he wasn't calling my name. So he walked over and asked me about the site, and if I was who he thought I was. Mind you my three elementary aged kids are hip high around me. I told him I was, but I was not able to chat at that time as I had the kids & was getting a snack then dropping them off. He did not take the hint. He stood near me trying to talk about how weird it was "that we bumped into each other at this place", and we should really talk. Meanwhile my little cubs were wondering why they didn't have mom's attention & who this intrusive guy was. As I was paying for their snacks, he said, " Now say 'Thank you' to your mom boys". And still asked if we could get together .I am sure it was coming from a well meaning place. After I dropped off the kids I went home and took my profile down again. ick.

I was off the market for a while, but am back semi-looking. My good friend Sue found someone right after her last child got their driver's license, she said it could not have worked out any better. I have a feeling it will be that way for me too. It's way too complicated to mesh three teenaged boys with any other type of family, or maybe I just like how things are running here just fine. Besides Nick's has been after me to become a foster mom for an  infant, and I am seriously considering it. Now that's a date breaker for sure.
Perhaps I need a little more time just here, just us , just enough.

But Chemistry.com is free this weekend, and looking can't hurt.

Old Souls New Souls

I was raised Catholic but since my late teens, for a variety of reasons, have not settled in one religion. For a while, when the kids were young, we were members of the Unitarian Church. It was mostly because of the minister, warmth exuded from her and she officiated the " Welcoming" or my first son. She left and another pastor, who did not exude the same warmth, but officiated for the other two took over, then we moved. We tried a few other places of worship, none that have grabbed my commitment. This is not to say I am not spiritual. I talk to God daily. Mostly when he lovingly wakes me up a moment before the alarm goes off, and sometimes when I forget to set the alarm, he wakes me up in time to make sure the kids aren't late  I truly appreciate that. And the sunrise out my bedroom window, and many other blessing, such as my kids' health etc. I certainly like the idea of Heaven, that I will again see those I love and have lost. I haven't figured out how reincarnation fits into all this, but I have to believe it does.

Clearly there are old and new souls in the world. Nick, for example, I am pretty sure was Elvis. At 3 he had the whole lip and pelvis thing going. Now  you tell me, how? Who has that down at three? He certainly wasn't exposed to it on Sesame Street, Arthur, or Blue's Clues. Yet, there he was lip quivering and pelvis gyrating whenever I brought the video camera out. Plus his wisdom is way beyond his years, his social finesse..yeah he's been here before.
Then there's Alex, well, I am pretty sure he's a new soul. Which, while providing loads of dinner time chuckles, makes me a bit more protective and concerned for him. Here's an example: While dealing with the power outages last fall, he walked into the garage & exasperatedly asked " whose's brilliant idea was it to leave the cars in the garage? Now we can't get  them out!" Now this could be explained by lack of "prior knowledge", that's a big term they use in school these days, it's about what YOU the student already bring to the academic table, and as bright as my #1 is ( seriously he has a 4.0) he's a little short in this area. And I can only blame it on him being a first timer here on earth.
He had an assignment in 5th grade, ( which I thought was horrible) he had to write what he would do if he came downstairs one morning and found a note from his parents that they had left, and would be backed at some time in the future, some money would hypothetically left on the counter as well.( really who does that to a ten year old?) Alex's essay was about how he would hold up in his bedroom & wait, or die which ever came first...7 years later I'm not real sure his answer would be much better. Except he'd play that swearing rap crap really loud in the whole house.
Last week he had to make dinner for his Culinary class. " Do we have a skillet?" he asks, " Um really?" I think. I show him the skillet, on the stove, that he has watched me make tacos, meat sauce, fried chicken, chicken stir-fry, eggs etc in for years. A few minutes later he asks me, " Do we have a cutting board/?" I just hug him. It's not his fault he's a first timer.
Michael is a different story all together. He possesses a spiritual quality that is impossible to describe until you experience it, so I think he is pretty far along the reincarnation scale. He has a wisdom of the ages, and is a moral compass of love that puts me to shame at times. What the poor soul did to end up as the youngest in this family is beyond me.

I'm at war

My God Daughter Alex & Michael

Is it just me, or does everyone else with kids over 11 feel like finding time to "be" with our kids is an impossibility? We are on the move, & my kids are not over scheduled. it's just life. Life. My oldest work about 6 hours a week, far less than I did at his age, yet he is busier than I ever remember being. Yes my middle is now on the Freshman Basketball team ( way to go Nick!) but it is not more time than his daily gym time, and the youngest, now that football season is over, is committed to  only 2 1/2 hours a week. Yet, it took 2 weeks to find time to decorate the Christmas tree, and even that was done in record time. Less than 15 minutes I think. All the while Alex worked hard to position himself so his face was never in a picture.

My Elf NIck, Alex, avoiding a direct face camera shot

I know, if the worst thing my son does is grunt at me and not let me take his picture, I am sure I will look back at his adolescence with a sense of relief, but for now, it is SO annoying!
 But I am trying to fight the good fight. Trying to make sure we eat dinner together more often than not, atleast for the 15 minutes I can get them to sit down.  We are planing a holiday outing for this weekend. But do I have to kidnap them and take them out of state for us all to be together?

So where does this time go? For my part I am happy to say my practice is busier than ever, so some time in the evening goes there. Mostly though it's homework. and studying and I don't know. I just want to yell " Stop".
So I am changing my Christmas list, all I want for Christmas is time with my kids, sitting by the tree, playing some board games, Just being with each other, that's all, and um if they can not try to kill each other, that would be AWESOME. But I don't want to be greedy.

It's not your mother's Chiddy Bang

So for Nick's 15th birthday he wanted to go to a concert. His current favorite artist is a group called Chiddy Bang. We found they were playing at Gettysburg College ( just a short 6 hour drive) on November 4th. After many difficult attempt to find out how to get tickets we scored an handful for Nick and his closest buds.
$25 each- gotta love at least that.

ChiddyBang

So at the end of a ridiculous week sans electricity we ventured off ( at least they didn't have to leave school early), I sprung for a hotel room just for the warm shower. Driving 6 hours with 5  14/15 year old boys- my friends called occasionally, it was a nice reprieve from the rap music. I cannot handle the swears or graphic references. Since when did the F -word become melodic?  or the how-to's of sex acts become fodder for lyrics? Am I old???  What happened to insinuated sex, like "afternoon delight" or "lay me down in the tall grass & let me do my stuff" The boys were concerned about how I would react at the concert,(my nephew was supposed to chaperon, but had to work, lucky me) I told Nick I brought soap to put in their mouths if they swore ( YOU know I'm kidding right?) He looked at me in earnest and said, " Mom, he (Chiddy) had a really rough life up to now, you shouldn't do that" 
I swear, as smart as my boys are......
Well old fashioned me entertained the troops for a bit with some logic games, " I'm going on a picnic..." etc. & they begged for more.
Gettysburg is lovely,what I saw of it. Definitely have to go check it out when I have more time. We were told to go to the college early to get in line- it was a standing performance in a ballroom, yeah!!!! So we stood, 1/1/2 hours before the concert started. Meanwhile, Nick was suffering from whatever Alex had at the beginning of the week, poor guy. He was really uncomfortable & dragging. There were two other acts before the main attraction. I am pretty sure I was the oldest person in the room except for a few of the security guards.& equally as confident that every rapper who came to our side of the stage, (we scored front row standing) looked at me like " What are you doing here old lady?" I had a lot of eye contact with confused rappers that night.
One song that I particularly despise repeats the word " ass" like 28 times as the opening chords. The kids found out I hated it on the ride down. So when one of the acts started singing it. the newest member of our crew looked at me for my reaction. I leaned into him and said, " I didn't bring enough soap for the whole place." He apparently also believed me, as several days later he shared this story with Alex, who could not join us due to his SAT schedule. Damn serious life.

Chiddy came out, Nick perked up, I lifted my head from the resting position on my arm. Thank God there was a rail there to hold me up. Is that rude? To be in the front row at a concert and take a quick nap before the main act? Heck, I'm old, give me a break. Standing for 4 1/2 hours is not fun or easy. The boys had a bit of an education about college students. One particularly low self esteemed co-ed was screaming next to us offering her body up to Chiddy for carnal purposes, although her offer was much less classier than the way I phrased it. and loud, and repetitious. And in front of my 14/15 year olds. Ah well, concerts are different than I remember in the 80's. I was concerned about drunk students or wafting weed, neither were there ( thank God) So in hindsight I could have dropped them off and layed on a bed watching TV for a few hours and the worst they would have been exposed to was the co-eds rubbing their dancing bods up against their backs.
I had a rather loud and obnoxious one falling into me, and screaming in my ear~ I didn't want to be  "THAT MOM" as Nick calls me, but I also had some tummy issues that night,  so she cleared out rather quickly. Don't mess with a middle aged woman chicky.
Oh you Chitty Chitty Bang Bang . Pretty Chitty Bang Bang I love you.

Don't mess with mother's instinct

So, I have been waiting for this to happen, the innocence of adolescence to have it's inevitable break-off into rebellion. For as much as #1 takes his space, he does (did) always stay in between the lines. Until last night. & I had a feeling... Gotta love Mother's instinct. It warns, it protects. It teaches you the silence you sometimes hear is a cry for help, tells you to go back home, even though it doesn't make sense to, and draws on the deep connection between parent & child. So last night, when he was around me, and his energy was a buzz, I had a feeling, and I did nothing. It has to happen, I cannot control all, nor should I, so I did nothing.

But this morning, when the feeling was still there I cruised by the house he was supposed to have been at- no car, then his regular sleep-over haunts, after each one, no car. Then I called his dad. He confessed to me later, he initially thought I was crazy for driving by all the houses. I could have called #1- but I knew he would not be up. So instead I called the parents of all the regulars.

What I uncovered was an elaborate web of attempted deceit. Bill was allegedly slept at Mark's, Mark allegedly slept at Brian's, Brian was supposed to be at Robert's etc. The result was a large amount of angered parents, in disbelief, at this man hunt for my son, and then their own. One mom went to check bed's to see if maybe someone was there. But no such luck. & at the same time- classic

So the next step was finding him. He was where he usually is, at NYA working out, or on his way there. He knew, when he picked up the phone & I said, " stay where you are I am on my way". The gig was up. His Dad beat me there, and I arrived to a shaking, pacing teenager, and his dad standing in the parking lot. There had been a party they wanted to go to. He thought I'd have said "NO", apparently the entire friend group decided their parents would say "no" so instead of giving us a chance, they took matters into their own hands and lied. On top of it, he drove, w/ people in the car. I think I was most upset about his lack of giving me a chance.

So consequences have been handed out. Hugs and apologies made. & I am sure I have sprouted a gray hair or two this morning. And we add another thread to this complicated quilt of our relationship and lives together. & mostly I thank God it took until he was 16 1/2 before anything like this has happened & I had the trust in my gut instinct to risk looking like a fool as I drove all over town searching for him.

Thank God for the village-

Nick's response to the whole thing;" He should have parked his car at the house he told you he was going to be at then gotten a ride to the party." - I think I am in trouble with that one.

lesson's on the road

Nick's best bud & my part time son, Matt, had a devastating event happen in his life. It's not mine to tell, and in some ways, the event is  no where near as important as the lesson the boys learn from it all. Stuff that kids should never have to deal with, adults either for that matter, but somehow we are supposed to be tougher.

It was like every other day, well almost every other day. Laz, Matt's dad, dropped Matt, Nick & their crew off at Blue Jays to go apple picking. The boys wanted to do traditional fall activities, I was working a booth for Cultural Care Au Pair ( contact me for info)

 and gave Nick a 20 and sent them off to the orchards. When they were done they wanted to go get wings at a local sports & wings hang out place. It was really an  enjoyable afternoon. We got home & the kids went out on the trampoline. a regular old beautiful Sunday afternoon.
The Matt's mom called. I could tell immediately something was wrong. Everyone was ok, but I took Matt home for  few hours. Nick texted periodically with appropriate comments. " What can we do?", " Tell them I am here for them" The important moment came when we got home.

While Matt was getting things situated in the kitchen, Nick was in the Man Cave. I was curious why he did not come upstairs. I went down to see him . he was playing a game on his itouch. " He's back" I said. Nick nodded. " You need to go upstairs and see him." He ignored me. Playing his game. I started getting annoyed.
I did not want my sons to shy away from feelings. Feelings may be  uncomfortable but they can be managed & I was flooded with all the adult men in my practice who will do just about anything but feel an uncomfortable feeling. And all the women who sit in my office, feeling alone with their husband sitting 3 inches away from them. I was not going to let him lose this opportunity to feel bad and handle it. So I said. " You are not going to leave him hanging up there. You are going up stairs, giving him a hug and saying " I'm sorry"" Nick had tears in his eyes, and wasn't moving. "Now" I said. 

He walked by me wordless, and wiped his tears as he went up the stairs. A few minutes later I walked in on the besties hugging it out in my kitchen. Not a word was spoken, but none were needed. Being there- is- being there.

When I went in to say good night to Alex, I said to him, "Have you seen Matt?"  " Is he here?" he asked.
" Yeah , he is downstairs."  " Oh," says Alex.  Not breaking his stride in getting into bed. " I feel really bad for him."  Oy vey- " You could tell him that," I coach, " Go downstairs, he's here." 
" Nay, that would be awkward:" he responds, pulling the covers up to his neck.
One at a time I guess.
I'm proud of Nick, really proud. we all need to teach our children they can handle their emotions, even the difficult ones. Just feel them, do not be afraid of them.
And the lesson, besides Nicks, is that life changes in an instant, any instant. I had complained to two different people about being a little bored lately that very morning. - no more. I was reminded that day of how precious our blessings are, and how they can be taken away in an instant.

Imagine

I spoke to another therapist this morning, an old supervisee. She needed confirmation of the hours I spent supervising her (I was supposed to keep that?) Luckily she has that. We commiserated about parenting teens. Her daughter was just entering what we referred to as " the dark ages" and she was blown away when I told her I have the three all in the midst. We talked about how thankless the job is, how lonely it can feel, especially when you are a single mom, how emotionally painful it truly can be. And mostly we laughed at the insanity of it all.

About how asking my son one simply question results in a screaming " Why are you interrogating me?"
Or when a slight adjustment in my tone is met with "You don't have to freak out about it mom!" or
"Mom's freaking out about it"- they like saying that-collectively as if we are at war & I am the crazy one.
Luckily,? Nick has seen me in all out freak-out mode,  Once- I opened a can of Costco sized Whoop Ass on him, and it had as much potency as can of Redi-whip. But it does serve as a marker, so when I am accused of  '"Freaking Out" I can just turn to Nick, who lowers his head, or smirks and says, " Nope, um, no that is NOT her freaking out." & I feel validated by that, in a strange way.

So my friend shared how she would pay a taxi to take her daughter to the airport rather then endure the 30 minutes of berating and character assassination her daughter liked to load on her during car rides.

She told me of the moment she "knew". She was in the shower & her daughter stormed in the bathroom waving a shirt & screaming about it having been discolored in the wash. She informed her daughter of the obvious " Well I am taking a shower right now and we will discuss this when I am done in a few minutes."

When she went down the hall, dry and dressed, to speak with her daughter, her daughter was singing and dancing around the room, and greeted her with a cheerful " Hi mom". It was at this moment, she knew she wasn't in Kansas anymore.
I remember my moment also, I recall walking into MY office, while Alex was working on MY computer and asking him a question about his plans. I was met with the Teenage Anthem for the first time. " Mom, it's my life, back off". I believe he was 13 at the time also. I have to say, I covered my mouth so he would not see the smile. I know that is NOT the appropriate reaction for the Teen Declaration of Independence. but it was my first time, & I was naively excited for my overly obedient child to develop some chops.

She asked me how I get through it. I gave props to my Red Tent crew. I have the oldest kids of us all, so mostly they just nod and coo at my pain and suffering. The know their turn is coming. What I like best is how non-judgemental they are, and how when I am referring to my kids in less than favorable terms, they laugh and say, " I wonder what they would think if they knew you called them that." Especially me who, in my friend group, is the Mary Poppins of swears. It's the laughing that's the best part. The laughing that gets me through.
Like this morning, when I mentioned to Alex I was starting a detox program next week. And he said, "Oh are you getting rid of all the wrinkles in your face?" and you know I didn't even throw something at him, so I say "Yeah me." and laugh- he was thinking Botox, so that's good, I guess.

Sleep-overs & couples therapy

It's not what you think. Me & 4 boys in my basement.
Wait that's not sounding right.
So I'm walking down the stairs to do a check on the 4 teens hanging out in my basement, when I am stopped on the stairs. " So Cat, ( I prefer that to Mrs Roche, who is my ex mother in-law, and not who I am at all) how do you break up with a girl?"

"Why do you ask?" I inquire.

"Mom. your calves are huge"- thanks Nick, I know, a genetic mutation, my calves are as huge as my brother's. No skinny jeans ( not that my hips cooperate with that anyway) or tall boots. Anyway, I digress.

Then I worked hard that hour, coaching on text responses, insisting of break ups being over the phone, if in person is not possible. Asking them to refrainn from the initial juvemile responses they had to the bait from the girls. It's fascinating watching them struggle through creating appropriate boundaries, trying to own their own emotions and weigh that against fear and potential.

" It just ends sometimes right?",one asks me." You can just not feel the same about someone"

"Yes" I say with more weight than I wished to convey. I recover quickly with a " At your age you are growing and changing and it makes sense to want to see who you are with different people."

When the texts got personal, blaming my son for ruining relationships he had nothing to do with, I needed to show the utmost appropriate response. " I would not even response do that dumb-ass( my new favorite word- sad I know) statement. How do you even talk to her?" ok so I got a little heated. But that was my baby she was bad-mouthing. 
And I stand by- sometimes no response is the best response. Sad to say it took me years to learn that one.

An hour and a half later, fielding many adolescent questions and coaching through much confusion over the females responses. I went to bed.

In the future, I may start asking my son/s friends for copies of their insurance cards before they sleep-over.

Parenting is not for the faint at heart

 Client 1. Daughter (14) has met boy from different town (16) Mom & Dad come in to lay down ground rules.
Completely reasonable & a little more lenient than me- there are no members of the opposite sex allowed in my kids' bedrooms. I do not have time to stand watch at a door, so I refuse to set the situation up. ( Alex says I am way too strict- ah well) So said client's teenaged daughter grumbles at the rules, and mom looks at me flustered  "See I get attitude" " So what?" I say, yep that's what 5 years in a Masters program in family therapy prescribes for these situations, " So what?"

If I had to wait until my children LIKED what I told them to do, we'd be over run by garbage, the lawn would never be cut, & Michael would still be wearing the same clothes he wore the first day of school. You get the picture.

Family 2: Divorced parents came in together, their 8 year old was on-line video chatting at a friends house and the 14 year old boy they were talking to convinced them to do some untoward stuff. Dad said " This is exactly why I did not want to have a daughter." His fear was palpable.

http://www.parentingteensinfo.com/2011/08/12/dont-allow-yourself-to-become-isolated-2-minute-tip-for-parenting-teens-168/

There's a great website above. You are not alone, whatever you are going through. & they put us through alot.

Parenting through fear or love?

I spoke with Bev Jean for a brief moment yesterday. But you know how it is, when you speak with a loved one, a brief moment, can speak volumes. All the words tend to count. I had given her a book by Nora Ephron, something about neck wrinkles, I glanced through it prior to handing it over, ( That's not officially regifting is it?) So Bev Jean says to me " I finished the book you gave me, and I have earmarked something I want to share with you & talk about." I asked her to share at the moment as I was familiar with the book. She says" The part where she talks about parenting. & how you parents today, and you know I think you bend over backwards for those kids ( THOSE kids? you mean mine? The ones I chose to bring into this world?- thoughts not spoken words) well, she says you know how parents today say something like "I know you didn't mean to break mommy's lamp when you threw the ball" well it's just to much" I remarked on the obvious literary license Ephron used, but let her know I understood what she was getting at.
"Mom you mean because this generation talks to their kids more than yours did? Cause we'd get hit first and asked questions later? " And sometimes hit with a belt for just being in the general area of the mishap.
"Yeah, I'm not sure it's working" Sometimes I think she forgets what I do for a living.
"So Mom, because some parents have tried to not shame their children for child-like behavior, you think we are all parenting wrong? Is it possible the adults who were those kids who got hit first and questioned later didn't like that parenting method?"
" Well in my generation" I  have to admit I interrupted this one "You got hit and no questions later?"
" No" she said, "we didn't do it because we were told not to"  So somehow, magically, at 2, 3 & 4 years old children of two generations ago had a far superior sense of self control and logic? Or did they know they'd get hit if they did something wrong? And where did that lead them?

We have had the conversation many times over of raising kids through fear or through mutual respect. She'd criticize me frequently for not applying some " psychology to the seat of their pants", when the boys were small.
I agreed with her, that I see in my practice some parents, who, not wanting to repeat what was done to them,  shift the balance to allowing the child too much power, which is as damaging as not considering them enough, and again stated, " While I know the jury is out on my own parenting for another 20 years, I am comfortable with having three straight A students who seem basically kind, are interested in eating health & exercising "
What I didn't say was, at 16, 14, and 13, to my knowledge, my kids have not gotten involved with drugs, alcohol, have not had depression , anxiety or issues stealing, and I am fairly confident no one is sexually active, all of which is more than I can say for her children at those ages.

So, yes the jury is out, and I know as a future grandma I will need to bite my tongue a million times over regarding what I think is the best way to raise children ( PLEASE breastfeed & one of you stay home with them for the first two years!!!)- but it'll be none of my business.
I hope the old adage of " you do the best with what you know at the time, and when you know more, you do better" holds. Here's to learning more about child development, and bonding, human interaction.

And I had been doing so well on my diet today

Momma says " If you want to play with the air soft guns, you must wear your helmet!" Why does momma say this? Cause she wants to be difficult? Make you look uncool? Take all the fun out of everything? To make you sweat even more on these hot August days?
Nope, Momma says this because, selfishly, she feels pain when she hears you cry, or worries about you while she is trying to work, she doesn't want to take you to two Doctors and have to cancel clients, then make room in her overbooked schedule for daily Dr appointments until the blood dissipates from inside your eyeball.
Cause she is basically selfish I guess. Let's not talk about the co-pays and gas and oh yeah, You could have cause serious PERMANENT DAMAGE! My shoulders ache from the stress of the day & I am on a hunt for some chocolate. And I had done really well on the healthy eating today.

To be fair, he was coming inside to get the helmets, when his buddy took the shot at him ( thinking the gun was empty) Never in a million years could this child have planned on lodging a plastic pellet in my son's eye socket, but he did. They were like pirates who found the treasure chest when they excitedly told me that what I thought was swelling under his eye from early reports of getting hit there, was actually a pellet that had been  swallowed up by the eye lid. They were truly as proud as any boy would be at first, proving mom wrong "You were wrong mom, that swelling you thought I had actually was the pellet pushing my skin out, I pushed it up and it popped out. It's on the floor in the basement" ( great kid, one point for you)    Thinking the crisis had been handled, life went on, until the real pain set in. a whole 15 minutes later, 4 minutes before my next client arrived.

Long & short, scratched corneas, while painful, apparently heal overnight. And he will have to get reconditioned for football again, as he is most likely out for the rest of this week. I am pretty sure he will forever wear his helmet, and his brothers too, and any of his team mates on the football team. It takes someone taking a hit, before we parents hold a level of credibility in our kids eyes.

Alex goes for his driver's test on Thursday. Any hints on helping him believe that he too is mortal?

Shhhhh! Please do NOT repeat these!

I am only doing this because the kids swear they do not read my blog. But this stuff is PRICELESS!!

Kind of a litmus test for knowing you child still needs you to help navigate their way a bit.

1. We are in P-town on Friday evening. The local bank is "Seaman's Bank". now you & I know why it is called that, but with the sexually charged town, with testosterone filled boys, you know where they went with it. As I tried to convince my youngest that it's meaning was for fisherman, he came back to me with, " MOM, no, they did that on purpose"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
" Underneath the name, it says F' dick. They shouldn't do that, it's a bank."
I will admit I was perplexed for a moment and asked him to show me what he was talking about. He walked me to the sign, and sure enough,
under Seaman Bank it says FDIC.

2. A child tells me he wants ice cream. I hand him 5 singles. After making his selection he turns to me and hands me 4 back. I look quizzically at him, and the sign trying to find out what this bargain of the year was in P-town, where you can't get a single scoop without breaking a Lincoln. I ask, he points to a waffle cone in a display case that has a sticker on it that reads 75 cents. Oh if the world were only so sweet. I hand him back the 4 dollars. He gets it.

3. We are eating at some outdoor type food court. Not wanting to walk 6 boys to individual stalls to order their various meals, I become a flurry of handing out 10's & 20's. One takes a ten, but is slow to order anything. He as actually walking in circles, while everyone else was sitting down. I approached him and asked if he had found anything he like. He a said he did, but he was not going to buy it because it was a rip off. "What do you mean?" I asked. He says, "What I want costs $5 but they are going to charge me $10, so I am not buying it."  Again, I am saying "show me". We walk into the store and this lovely money conscious child points to the sign at the register that reads " Minimum charge $10".-

aside from giving me moments of extreme, albiet private, laughter,  these incidents were a reminder of the innocence, and the work yet in front of me.

I realize I am a bit different but...

I was standing in line to get our clamming license when a woman walked in with her three year old ADORABLE son. Wistful as you know I am for those times, it bothered me a bit when she mentioned how she was " stuck" alone with him for 4 days until her parents came up. "Just me" she said,  "His dad didn't some with us".
I did not bother mentioning my current situation. 6 Teenagers & me, no dad for years, and one (unbeknown-st to me, tied up in the trunk of my van at that very moment ( Ah boys))
.
She said, " I am so tired of hearing MOMMY come play with me"  , " Don't worry," I said smiling, " that will end". And I didn't bother to say what she could not appreciate anyway. I chalked it up to being a bit overwhelmed, which of course I was/am, at times still. Another woman joined us in our little cue, as the first was attempting to orient her son to why a man seemingly cut in front of us in line, much to the tot's loud protests of being unfair and wrong. She looked at the grandmotherly woman who walked in and said, " I can't wait for tomorrow, he is in camp from 9-1." The Grandmother nodded and said, " I have an 8 month old and a 3 year old at my house now, it gets old". The smiled sympathetically at each other. I walked away with a heavy heart for those children. Do these women not realize what a blessing they have? Would that mom like her son to be calling another woman "Mommy"? One who would hear that as music, or that Grandmother rather her grandkids don't visit her?
I left the office, only to find three of my teens in my car, & like I said, one tied up in the trunk. But that's another story.

We went clamming that afternoon and it struck me, while most of us walk along the beach searching for shells, or just enjoying the scenery. Shell fishermen are looking for specific signs in the sand, one you or I might simple walk over, as a sign that there is a clam to be dug here. We watched the sand intently, felt it with our feet, looked for the tell tail spitting sea water signs, or tiny whole that indicate potential for bounty. It was a very different experience of the beach. I could not help but make a connection to the folks who took their offspring for granted or the many parents that I see who do not know what to look for in their kids as signs of connection and need. Of course as I tried to share my insights with my shellfish hunting group, I got little response, mostly odd looks. So I will save it for another day for them, and give it to you today.

I think we appreciate it more when we know what to look for. Look for love peeps.

Cognitive Dissonance

 I was watching the news a few weeks ago and the newest finding of HPV causing throat cancer in males caught my attention.I new they had a vaccine for females, now they are offering it to males. Anything to protect. I called the DR to schedule an appointment to have all three boys vaccinated.

A few weeks later I found myself at the pediatrician's office with my young men in tow. There is something a bit strange about being in the same room where I naively tried to distract #1 from his first round of baby shots by breastfeeding him through them (( I am sure the nurses had a good laugh about that during their lunch break), he still screamed. Good thing he had no teeth!) and being there now, 16 years later getting shots to protect them from sexually transmitted diseases.

But that's not the half of it. Many of you have heard me say, my most favorite time of my life will be remembered only by me, as they were too young.

Well we had a brief trip down memory lane,

 waiting in this office, with boys who are now taller than me, when I discovered this book in the pile:

 PJ Funny Bunny was one of Alex's favorites. The look on his face was priceless! And the flood of memories of them sitting on my lap, reciting the "chorus" with me was joyful. It was as if it was yesterday. All three started recounting their favorite parts as PJ decides he is tired of being a bunny and tries to find other families to fit in with, ultimately deciding having a million brothers and sister and eating carrots is not so bad after all. They kept saying excitedly " I remember that page!" " I love that picture", and trying to guess which animals family PJ was going to try to join next. Clearly something about this book was bringing back the love & joy I remember so well from the hours we spent sitting on the carpet all huddled up reading about PJ Funny Bunny. ( YES!) So seldom am I included in their spontaneous expression of joy these days (Teen code)
It was a beautiful 10 minutes.
Then the nurse returned to inoculated my babies, I mean my teenagers, from a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE.
New appreciation for denial here.

Then again, thinking you are better off elsewhere to eventually decide, really, home is best, seems pretty appropriate for right now too. Thanks again PJ.