These M & M's aren't good for you either 

So I understand I am "old", and just like parents of the 50's were concerned about Elvis and his gyrating pelvis, I have concern about my children and what they listen to. I played Raffi, and classical music in the background while they were growing up. When we wanted to rock out, the Wiggles were there for us to dance party to. "Hip Hop Noel" was a favorite from Disney at the holidays.

I have not liked, but have tolerated, to a point( three swear words and the son must be changed, sometimes we don't make it thru the first stanza) my very white, a little preppy, health conscious and academically responsible boys' affinity for Hip Hop & Rap. I even went so far as to take one of them & their friends to a concert. But what I heard yesterday just threw me over the edge. It did.

When the boys were young we often sang the duet of  Carly Simon & James Taylors' " Mocking Bird" when I was putting them to bed. It was fun, and a good memory. Some nights when we had more time we played a game where they would throw out a word and I would sing a song that had that word in it. That was pretty cool as well. Until, well #2, always a precocious child,one night he threw out  "Testicles" ( we were anatomy appropriate in my house no "gaslapogus", or "vajay jee" for us)  & I had to admit defeat. I knew of no song, nor did I ever care to know of a song, that contained the word testicles. it's not melodic

So we are driving yesterday and he puts on his rap crap and I hear the word "vagina"  in a song, yep, "Vagina"  Are you kidding me? There are not enough words in the English language to use we now have to use basic anatomy words for songs? Are we singing about ovaries yet? How about a pancreas?

What gets me more then this, is what does the future hold? The sexual innuendos of my youth : "Afternoon Delight" prove too cryptically challenging to figure out for today's youth? They have to have it spelled  out with directions of what to put where and details on how things work? What sounds to anticipate and where to leave your number as you leave? Am I being old?

And most importantly, What the heck are my grandchildren going to listen to?

Things you can count on

So I had a rare opportunity of spending some time with Bev Jean tonight. Michael was " graduating", I use the term loosely, from 8th grade. And true to my word, I would go if he wanted to go. As mom & I are heading over to the campus, she confidently tells me this is the month I will meet " Someone". You know the "someone" the friends & family of a single person hope for for the single person. And the "Someone" a single person hopes will be funny, and love their kids and be a good guy, a really good guy. So Mom said I will meet this someone in an unusual place, and she encouraged me to go to the Unitarian Church I have been talking about checking out. I said, " Cool" and got to preoccupied with her heavy breathing and holding up people behind us while walking to the ceremony, to worry more about men in unusual places.

While in the ceremony Mom was comparing it to my niece's ceremony that she had attended last week. She commented on what I should do the " next" time I attend an 8th grade graduation. I reminded her that this was my last child. She smiled at me and said, " you never know, you might get your girl". I am sure my face was a bit screwed up at that suggestion. I reminded her (I seem to remind her of things a lot), that I am 46 and my child bearing years were probably behind me, despite of my heart's willingness. I did a quick calculation, I don;t want to be 66 at a graduation. She just smiled and said" You never know".

As we were leaving the ceremony I allowed my curiosity over my mother's confident assertions to
be voice. My mom spends a good deal of time talking to relatives who have passed, & wrapping my kids, and I am sure myself, in Angels, and she's a daily parishioner at ST Greg's, so I thought maybe there was some divine communication she was operating off of. So I said, " Mom, where are you getting this information about me meeting someone from?"  " TV Guide" is her response.

" TV Guide horoscope" She cautioned me it wasn't in effect until the 22nd.  I laughed, come on you would laugh too!

Then I thought about it. TV Guide does accurately predict what is on TV 24 hours a day 7 days a week, maybe it's as good as any. Or maybe the confidence, if you can call it that, from her confidence, will project to the universe and Voila!  He will be here.....Of course, you will be the first to know! After TV Guide that is.

On-line dating

The world of online dating is complicated when you are a therapist. I found this out shortly after I was divorced when one of my clients found my profile on a dating site and inboxed me through it to ask to change his appointment time. When you are supposed to be, at times, not much more than a reflecting mirror, the last thing I needed was to have my personal life, and lame attempts at explaining " What I am looking for in a partner", and all the goofiness profiles ask you to lay out there, read by someone who was coming in to pay me to hear his life's trauma. He now knew too much and the balance shift was uncomfortable. I enjoy being a little, a lot, anonymous with my clients. Two seperate worlds- works for me:-).

Then there was the experience of when I had stopped at a deli to grab a snack with my boys prior to dropping them at their dad's house. A man recognized me from the site. I did not used my name in it, but a profile Id, he assumed it was related to my real name and started calling for me across the deli. I did not respond because, well he wasn't calling my name. So he walked over and asked me about the site, and if I was who he thought I was. Mind you my three elementary aged kids are hip high around me. I told him I was, but I was not able to chat at that time as I had the kids & was getting a snack then dropping them off. He did not take the hint. He stood near me trying to talk about how weird it was "that we bumped into each other at this place", and we should really talk. Meanwhile my little cubs were wondering why they didn't have mom's attention & who this intrusive guy was. As I was paying for their snacks, he said, " Now say 'Thank you' to your mom boys". And still asked if we could get together .I am sure it was coming from a well meaning place. After I dropped off the kids I went home and took my profile down again. ick.

I was off the market for a while, but am back semi-looking. My good friend Sue found someone right after her last child got their driver's license, she said it could not have worked out any better. I have a feeling it will be that way for me too. It's way too complicated to mesh three teenaged boys with any other type of family, or maybe I just like how things are running here just fine. Besides Nick's has been after me to become a foster mom for an  infant, and I am seriously considering it. Now that's a date breaker for sure.
Perhaps I need a little more time just here, just us , just enough.

But Chemistry.com is free this weekend, and looking can't hurt.

Appreciating what you have

There's a popular saying, "Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have." and as you know, I am generally a happy lady. That is not to say I don't, at times, feel sad, lonely, unappreciated, and empty. I am, as a lot of us are, in this limbo place where I want to be available to my kids. I don't feel comfortable committing myself to something that would compete with that, a romantic relationship, a Phd, etc. That being said, my patchwork quilt of a life at times feels rich & full and at others, lonely and empty.

A big part of that richness is Adele. I know I wrote about her last week, & while I was writing that tribute, unbenownst to me, she was working her magic with my kids behind my back! Adele has frequently stepped in and supported the kids to show their appreciation and appropriate behavior when they were not given that guidance elsewhere. One Mother's Day, when they were young and particularly incapable of doing things on their own, she helped them create a Mother's Day redo, complele with breakfast in bed & a painted plate. She checked in with them at Christmas time, Mother's Day & my birthday to make sure they have bases covered. As Alex ia almost 17, I had not thought she was still doing that.

Well while I was busy avoiding her these last two weeks to have her suprise party go off without her catching me in a lie, she was busy contacting my boys getting them organized to give me a beautiful framed appreciation tribute for my birthday. It was a flowing poem of our memories and acknowledgement of what I represent for them. " your ridiculous dancing in the car". Most importantly she supported them to be better men.
I wish you all an "Adele", in your life. But not mine, she's taken.

Ode to Adele

So last night I pulled off, with much help, an amazing feat. I surprised one of the sharpest women I know with an early Birthday Party. And I had two shots, so two big things in one night. If you have ever planned a surprise birthday party you know how anxiety provoking pulling it off can be. In the last hour I didn't know if she was clueless or torturing me with her 5 phone calls and a text, thus the first shot. The second one was to prove to her I did the first as she has never seen me have a shot before. And now I am not saying alcohol is the answer, but my xanax was at home. ( Hmm is she serious???)

Anyway it was a wonderful success, completely blindsided her. Having her bake the birthday cake helped, and the fact that her birthday is actually 5 months away. One of the activities of the evening was a sharing circle where people shared memories or said wonderful things, all with the intent of making the birthday girl well up with emotion & cry some more (we used to get extra points in therapy school if we got, I mean made room for,  our clients to cry during a session, without inflicting physical harm, that was frowned upon) As we were going around the room sharing, it came to my turn. I started telling the story about how Adele & I met & how it was instant admiration, and respect. She interrupted my story, as she always does to highlight the points she found important ( the fact that I just bought her dream house in town,) and I would have to wrestled away control to tell my side ( she verbally shred a woman who inadvertently put down a man I had the hots for) & the fact that Adele didn't know I had the hots for this guy and still shared my unexpressed opinion, I knew she was a keeper. My story got interrupted again by someone else taking the invisible talking stick and I was left with much to say and no subtle way to get the floor. I find I frequently get interrupted and lose speaking room in a group. Thus the blog I guess.

What I was going to say was Adele is the most amazing woman I have ever had the privilege to know. If I was stranded on a desert island, or going to Costa Rica, there is no one in the world I would rather be with. She is loyal to a fault (you know who you are) , brilliant, determined, compassionate, I make her laugh till she cries ( gotta love someone who thinks you are that funny,) honest, positive and a true presence. She has overcome unthinkable odds and created a strong and safe foundation for her children. She is a woman who is truly beautiful both inside and out. I would never have guessed, going to the mutual friend's shower so many years ago that I would have met a person who would change my life forever. But I did. And I am better for knowing her, as is anyone else whose life she touches. To you Adele & the next 50!
* That is not a reflection of her current age but more an estimation of how many more years I will be alive to enjoy her presence in my life~ felt like I needed to clarify that.

Parenting is not for the faint at heart

 Client 1. Daughter (14) has met boy from different town (16) Mom & Dad come in to lay down ground rules.
Completely reasonable & a little more lenient than me- there are no members of the opposite sex allowed in my kids' bedrooms. I do not have time to stand watch at a door, so I refuse to set the situation up. ( Alex says I am way too strict- ah well) So said client's teenaged daughter grumbles at the rules, and mom looks at me flustered  "See I get attitude" " So what?" I say, yep that's what 5 years in a Masters program in family therapy prescribes for these situations, " So what?"

If I had to wait until my children LIKED what I told them to do, we'd be over run by garbage, the lawn would never be cut, & Michael would still be wearing the same clothes he wore the first day of school. You get the picture.

Family 2: Divorced parents came in together, their 8 year old was on-line video chatting at a friends house and the 14 year old boy they were talking to convinced them to do some untoward stuff. Dad said " This is exactly why I did not want to have a daughter." His fear was palpable.

http://www.parentingteensinfo.com/2011/08/12/dont-allow-yourself-to-become-isolated-2-minute-tip-for-parenting-teens-168/

There's a great website above. You are not alone, whatever you are going through. & they put us through alot.

Thank you!

91 more post reads and I will be at 5000. Not ever a real goal, just kind of cool, and have I mentioned?, my mom has NEVER read my blog. So she is not even stuffing the numbers with her friends!

I started this for a few reasons. most of which remain in tact today, which brings up a point. Every once in a while I like to evaluate " Why am I doing this?' " Is it still relevant?" " Do I still enjoy it?" ( Thus the pictures and scrapbook material spread across my dining room table, it has become a chore). I like to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I take my cue from Mother Nature.

Look how our bodies work, when working right. Take the good out of our food, get rid of what we don't need. And if we don't give ourselves enough, we suffer, and if we take more than we need, well, there's a system in place to let that be known as well. :-)
And how her great wind storms help clear the deadened branches from tress and make room for new.
It's a good system, and it works.
I like to do this with the family as well. Check the systems we have in place, are they working? what was their purpose? Do they need to be adjusted? One of the beautiful parts of this is including the boys' experiences in the conversation. Of course I am always in conflict with the youngest over my methods of discipline (see my post on Feedback), but on other ways, I want the boys' to know their opinions are important, all the while maintaining my truth of knowing more than they do about the world, and the "rammy" adolescent male brain.
I digress- Thank you, those who read, those who respond, those who tell me they read privately, those who find my posts worthy to pass on to others. I am honored and flattered- And this is still working.Thank you

Truth

I miss my boys, I do, when they are with their dad. Like now, I will not see them until July1. & I'm a bit sad, so I thought I'd do a top ten to list to look on the bright side.

10. Got ALL the laundry done today
9.Cantina night!
8. My schedule and only my schedule
7. Jane's visit
6. no 6 a.m. wake up, unless I want to
5. My niece & brother are coming to visit
4. A week free of sibling rilvary ( #5 above potentially excluded)
3. House stays as clean as I want it to!
2. Seeing my friends I rarely get to see
 and the top reason to look on the bright side when the boys aren't home



                                         NO RAP MUSIC!!!!!

All is right with the world

I know, it was supposed to end on Saturday. I made a cheesecake for the occasion. But 9 teenagers were playing hockey in my driveway Saturday morning, with makeshift goals and using brooms as sticks when our supply ran low, and all was right with the world. They organized themselves, and included everyone. Yeah, there was a good deal of ribbing and complaints intermingled with the triumphant goals and blocks, but they did it. Some were on roller blades, some in sneakers. With out fancy equipment, or overzealous coaches giving them pointers to teach them the "right" way to have a good time, they played for over an hour. They played. I had teenagers "playing" in my driveway. & it was one of those moments I wrapped in my heart to remember.

Like everyone else, we are rushed -rushed to get homework done, haircuts, chores, play dates, get to commitments, the gym, work. My kids have the added pressure of being " rushed" between two homes, a definate downside of a divorce. But on this Saturday morning, they got to do what kids, in my opinion, are supposed to do, organize themselves, use their budding adult skills to create order and have fun. I got yelled at for taking pictures. I get yelled at a lot for taking pictures. & in the words of  Beverly Jean, my mother, "TS". I know they don't get it, not my job to teach them. Life will show them, in 20 years, the importance of pictures on a Saturday morning when you are playing hockey with your school friends in your driveway. ( the blog is not letting me upload these pictures right now, don't know why.sorry)

In someways, with the impending end of the world, it reminded me of 9/11. THE 9/11. And while our future is as uncertain today as it was on that tragic day, I wanted to hold in my heart the innocence of my children's world. I remember, after spending the better part of that day glued to the horror on television, in the company of the electrician who was working at our house, when Alex came home from school I turned the TV off and we put a blanket out on the front yard. We had a picnic and followed bugs as they traversed the orange blanket his father's family has had for years. They watched in wonder and amazement as these tiniest of creatures made their long journey over our picnic tablecloth and focussed on what was important. Life. Now.

Those boys in my driveway. One just got his license last Friday. I am calling DMV to set up Alex's appointment today. They are all on the cusp. Dangers they don't let their teenage brains dwell on. Let alone the hopeful happy ending to it all,- in two years they will be headed out. Out to that world that could end for any of them in an instant. I do not mean to be morose. I find keeping reality in mind helps me appreciate everyday moments and embrace more joy.

And on last Saturday morning, while 9 boys played hockey in my driveway, and yes crushed my spring flowers, all was right in the world.

This one it let me load...go figure

Shout out to my Bros

Mom's 70th Bday Party

I write a lot about my Red Tent Mates, and was comprising yet another metaphor filled blog about them last night when it occurred to me, after one of my brother's saved my technological life yet again, I've not given them enough Kudos, so here goes:

Kevin, Brian, Sean, Cathy, Matthew, Glen, Kevin, Brian, Sean, Cathy, Matthew, Glen, Kevin, Brian, Sean....I remember repeating our names over and over as a kid, trying to get the time down quickly. As I have said in previous a previous blog, my mom did a really good job naming us, I always thought( Matthew would disagree citing himself as the only on not ending with the "n" sound, and there's that white Christmas stocking standing apart from our red ones, but that's his story to tell). Kevin, Brian, Sean, Cathy, Matthew, Glen. The connections that last a lifetime. Our siblings are generally the longest relationships we have in our lives, and studies have shown both longevity and late life happiness are related to these relationships, and why shouldn't they be?

Ok, I am getting girly wordy and this ones for the boys, so I will bring it in:

Kevin: when I have been physically threatened is my bodyguard- who else can say that? Plus at family gatherings he organizes the kids into athletic games-which rocks ( even when he has to show up 12 yr olds)

Brian : is my own Geeks Squad- he amazes me at his abilities and patience talking me through untangling whatever I have currently tangled on my computer- countless hours and patience he has given me

Sean- My rock & my amusement- He held me up with weekly phone calls when I was going through the hardest time of my life, undauntedly. His multiply yearly visits are highlight of my year every year & he is soo funny. He comes and asks for a list of things he can do for me, he teaches my boys how to do thing ( hanging a shelf in Alex's room promoted a " Uncle Sean knows everything". Not the PhD from Columbia, the carpentry skills- kids.

Matthew- closest in age to me, we have shared so much, too much to mention- he is my soul connection, hours of conversation about life and support

Glen- Last but never least- He is my 911 on everything else, and there's a lot of 911 he has been there for. Like when I walked into my vacant house to find 3 inches of water everywhere & it raining from the ceilings- Glen is my go to guy. He simply says" Alright I'm coming" whenever I call.

Can a girl get any luckier than me?

Love you guys

The other mothers

A comment from one of my readers prompted my thoughts on this blog. She said she could" see Michael saying that", and it reminded me of all the other " mother's my kids have had along the way, and on this Mother's Day I'd like to acknowledge and thank them. I am more than certain I could not have done it with out!
Michael & I bumped into my midwife, Kathy Parisi, yesterday. When I saw her, I turned to Michael and said " Would you like to meet the first woman who ever touched you?" That is profound enough in and of itself, Kathy eased my son into this world, and ( since my kids don't read this I will give her the kudos she truly deserves) She got the 10 lb 2 oz'er out of me without an episiotomy or a tear! My sister-in-law Wendy was pointing out to me that I was sitting on a hard chair 2 days after his birth, wasn't even a thought. She is magnificent!
Christine- the gymboree teacher who loved my boys so much she'd let them all come to one of their sessions( totally against the rules) and gave Alex her son's collection of animal books to support his growing passion at the time. Her love for my babies was evident in every class.
Then there's miss Mary Beth & her staff at Anderson Montessori School, to whom I let go of those tiny hands for the first time, the first three hours of their lives without me on a consistent basis. She eased my pain and helped create the amazing students I have today. I run into her once in a while, and update her about the boys. I wish the schools would send her a copy of their report cards, I see her as deserving of them as I am.
I must mention our Au Pairs, as reluctant as I was to have one, the circumstances in my life at the time necessitated an extra set of hands for a few years. Dani informed me yesterday she is expecting her second child in October and Lisa gave birth to her's last month. I am more in dept to those women, who were not much more than girls at the time they lived with us, than anyone else. They filled in the gaps, made things better, taught me a thing or two and became life long friends along the way.
The women who were my friends who love my children even though they do not have to: Denise, who was granted Alex's first smile at 6 weeks old, even though I was the one feeding him & not throwing him out a window even though he cried 24/7. Diane, who spent many a spring afternoon at the zoo with us. Adele, who trained them how to do Mother's Day  right and talks me down and gives me support, and would do anything for them at moments notice. Nancy, Susan, Dorothy, Meighan, Stephanie, Mary Beth, my kids' friends mom who help them & me in an instant. And have become my friends as well.

Then there's the teacher's who went above and beyond and loved my boys: Carol and Julie, Joyce and Barb, Susan and Janice, Chrissie & Pat. During the divorcing years and there after, all these women held my kids and helped me in ways I cannot even explain. I am forever grateful.

So for those who gave birth, and those who earn the title by allowing themselves to love a child who was not born to them, Thank you and Happy Mother's Day.

Dates 7 8 & 9

Ehhh     Ugh    and      Hmmmm

Basically a shy person here, so the challenge handed to me by my friend Tina, to date 20 different men this year is a great way to break out of the comfort coziness of my contented life. The challenge has focused me in a rare way I have not experienced in my single life.

#7 was very nice, really easy to talk to, 90 minutes went by in a flash, but  I don't know...

#8 is much easier to talk about, cause it was like being in a science fiction movie, or SNL skit. He claimed to have been only 46. His face was as leathery as a horse saddle, and the wrinkles were deep and long. If he was a cowboy I would have believed his claim, but he worked in an office for 28 years, or so he said. If they lie about their age, what else? He claimed to be retired due to solid investments and was spending his time figuring out what he wanted to do, which is cool I guess, I just can't relate. Then he pulled out the eye drops, in front of me    at the     table.
Not having contacts, I don't know if it's normal behavior. I was not digging him pulling his eyelids apart. But I stayed and chatted, trying to see if there was something. That's when he launched into his ex. I don't even rememberhow it started, but experience has told me, not good first date info. He was animated about the questions he still had for her; how long was she with the other guy before she told him, what had he done so wrong, how hard it is to be in the same room with her, etc. They've been divorced 15 years. Check please! I made a deal with myself that when meeting a man starts to feel like a therapy session, I would go, so I did.

I woke up to an equally long winded email from him about all the possible reasons I may have ended the date. He wasn't looking for my input as much as going on yet another rant. Thank God for delete buttons. I should have just told him to get therapy, still or again, but dating was something he is clearly not yet ready for, but I didn't. Just pressed DELETE. Ahhhhh

#9 was a nice surprise. 2 hour notice, quick stop at a coffee shop and it was enjoyable. Really enjoyable. So we shall see. I was told even if I meet a real good one, I have to keep on dating. I am psyched to be almost half way done with the challenge so soon! Onward and upward  or at least sideways.

Women & Body Image

Women, we walk & we talk and we criticize and bemoan. We can't rid of this, that's too big, too jiggly. I remember one time in my life where I was happy with my body image. Unfortunately it was a very low point of my life, and I was not eating and I was exercising, hard, 6-10 hours a week. And not eating, and breastfeeding. That's when I thought I looked my best. How sad.

All through high school I thought I was fat. This was high school graduation. When I look back at this young woman now, there's so much I would tell me.
Not the least of which was to enjoy this body, appreciate it. Most of my friends were very petite, but by many standards I was petite as well, barely 5'4". But they were barely 5', so I felt like an over sized giant. It's all perspective.

This was me during my college years on a trip to Aspen. Again, I thought I was fat. I did not enjoy this body either, I was critical and angry that I did not have the long waist and gradually sloping hips pasted on the cover of magazines. I did not ever notice what I did have, just what I didn't. Do you see how the sweater has so much blousing space between my bust & waist.?  I didn't notice.

And after giving birth to three kids, I felt fat in Hawaii. Yes, I wore a bikini, with a constant cover up. I remember all that week feeling self conscious and lumbering. What was I thinking? What are we thinking?

There have been times I have indeed been fat. My last year of Grad school while I saw over 25 clients a week, plus drove 6 + hours, plus sat in classes for another 6 and ate only at fast food resturants, I was fat. I have the graduation pictures to prove it. After a break-up a few years ago I spent a  while drowning in peanut m&m's. I got fat then too. Since the new year I have been working hard on loosing weight and exercising more. It took 7 weeks to lose the first three pounds. I cannot give up, not just for the weight, but for the health. I have decided that on a day to day basis today, I need to feel good about myself.

I , we, will never be any younger than we are today. Today is a day to choose to feel good about the body we have and all the things it does for us. Even if. No,  no "even if". 

Less criticizing, more appreciating. 

Close Encounters with Cougar Bait

So we went out last night. I will admit I am not much for the bar scene. My feet hurt from the shoes, you cannot actually hear what anyone is saying, and I am way to practical to blow ten bucks on one drink.But I do like to dance, so we went out last night and wow...

I was deep into a conversation with a female acquaintance when a strapping young man placed his elbows on the chairs we were both sitting on and asked for permission to ( and I quote) " Hit on us". Points obviously for honesty and frankness. Amused I granted him permission to " Give us your best shot" He countered with " I am 6 feet tall and a lawyer". Not a bad opening, if you are into tall, successful men.

When I asked him what possessed him to interrupt what was clearly an intense conversation ( I know it sounds rude, he didn't get it)  His response was merely, "I think you are attractive."  OK. Then he told me he'd been practicing law for one year. ONE YEAR. making him ??25? 26?

After that, it kind of went down hill.. I found out he lives in my town ( small world) and I was afraid to ask anymore as I felt it there was a good possibility he still lived with his mom and dad. After he declared his work life as off limits, claiming it is way too boring to talk about ( Tax attorney) and apparently unaware that he too could ask some questions he just kind of sauntered away. He was yummy though, in a Lifetime Movie outdoorsy brilliant kind of way.


We met up again on the dance floor. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" was on. He stopped short of declaring I should know all the moves since it came out, in " my time" He did stop short of saying that, but just short of saying it, as in..." How do you not know all the moves wasn't this ...." If he wasn't so damn tall I would have put him over me knee.

My friend & I, on the way home disagreed about what name we thought he told us. So this morning when she looked up on the MLS an Ed or Kenny buying a house 7 months ago in our town, she came up empty. Maybe we should have gotten his dad's name.

P.S. I put the shoes on half an hour before we went out. They hurt too much.