These M & M's aren't good for you either 

So I understand I am "old", and just like parents of the 50's were concerned about Elvis and his gyrating pelvis, I have concern about my children and what they listen to. I played Raffi, and classical music in the background while they were growing up. When we wanted to rock out, the Wiggles were there for us to dance party to. "Hip Hop Noel" was a favorite from Disney at the holidays.

I have not liked, but have tolerated, to a point( three swear words and the son must be changed, sometimes we don't make it thru the first stanza) my very white, a little preppy, health conscious and academically responsible boys' affinity for Hip Hop & Rap. I even went so far as to take one of them & their friends to a concert. But what I heard yesterday just threw me over the edge. It did.

When the boys were young we often sang the duet of  Carly Simon & James Taylors' " Mocking Bird" when I was putting them to bed. It was fun, and a good memory. Some nights when we had more time we played a game where they would throw out a word and I would sing a song that had that word in it. That was pretty cool as well. Until, well #2, always a precocious child,one night he threw out  "Testicles" ( we were anatomy appropriate in my house no "gaslapogus", or "vajay jee" for us)  & I had to admit defeat. I knew of no song, nor did I ever care to know of a song, that contained the word testicles. it's not melodic

So we are driving yesterday and he puts on his rap crap and I hear the word "vagina"  in a song, yep, "Vagina"  Are you kidding me? There are not enough words in the English language to use we now have to use basic anatomy words for songs? Are we singing about ovaries yet? How about a pancreas?

What gets me more then this, is what does the future hold? The sexual innuendos of my youth : "Afternoon Delight" prove too cryptically challenging to figure out for today's youth? They have to have it spelled  out with directions of what to put where and details on how things work? What sounds to anticipate and where to leave your number as you leave? Am I being old?

And most importantly, What the heck are my grandchildren going to listen to?

Angels among us

There are people that inspired each of us to be who we are. One of them was my Girl Scout Leader when I was in elementary school. She was the mom of my classmate & friend Judy. Simply put~ she saw me. It sounds strange doesn't it? but in reality, where I came from, that was rare.
My Grandmother saw me, and on Tuesday she will be celebrating her 2nd anniversary of her freedom in Heaven. One of the many lessons I learn from my Grandmother is you are never too old to be valuable to someone. She was well in her 50's when we met, an entire lifetime lived before my existence, and yet she was one of the most profound influence in my life.
Her sister, my Aunt Rita, was another. Her attention , love, kindness, and companionship when I was a stay at home mom with three little boys got me through many difficult times. My children's lives, the good parts of me, would not be here with out these people.



Mrs Johnstone was different. With no family relation binding us, her gift to me was free and unexpected. As a sad and lonely little girl living in a frightening household, the Wednesdays I got to take the bus to Judy's, have dinner with them and stay till our Girl Scout meeting was over, was a peace and warmth I did not often experience. She made me feel worthwhile. She had time for me. Even when I exasperated her by being done quickly with any of our projects, the sit-up-on, the plates we made to commemorate the troupe, she would affectionately tease me and taught me how to twiddle my thumbs while I waited for the rest of the girls to finish.  It became a joke between us. I would hurry up and finish something and ask her what to do next, and she would tell me to twiddle my thumbs. I can still hear her voice singing " Day is done" and I remember the hand squeeze that ended every meeting. I don't know if she knew, the respite I received while in her care. Judy seemed to know I needed her mom. She called me a few days ago to let me know another one of my angels was going to return to heaven soon.  Suffering should end, and freedom granted. I know this is true, and after watching my own end of life for my Grandparents, I do look at death differently. And I am horribly sad for Judy and her family. Especially Judy's little girl, who will not get to know the woman who had so much enthusiasm and adventure in her heart ( any woman will to take a bunch of girls into the woods to cook over an open fire and sleep in A framed tents ROCKS).

The take away~ be someone's angel.  Best case scenario, be your own kids' angel. Being someone else's kid's angel is pretty awesome to. That's what these people taught me, and part of the reason I do what I do,

Thank you Mrs Johnstone and "good night scouts".

lesson's on the road

Nick's best bud & my part time son, Matt, had a devastating event happen in his life. It's not mine to tell, and in some ways, the event is  no where near as important as the lesson the boys learn from it all. Stuff that kids should never have to deal with, adults either for that matter, but somehow we are supposed to be tougher.

It was like every other day, well almost every other day. Laz, Matt's dad, dropped Matt, Nick & their crew off at Blue Jays to go apple picking. The boys wanted to do traditional fall activities, I was working a booth for Cultural Care Au Pair ( contact me for info)

 and gave Nick a 20 and sent them off to the orchards. When they were done they wanted to go get wings at a local sports & wings hang out place. It was really an  enjoyable afternoon. We got home & the kids went out on the trampoline. a regular old beautiful Sunday afternoon.
The Matt's mom called. I could tell immediately something was wrong. Everyone was ok, but I took Matt home for  few hours. Nick texted periodically with appropriate comments. " What can we do?", " Tell them I am here for them" The important moment came when we got home.

While Matt was getting things situated in the kitchen, Nick was in the Man Cave. I was curious why he did not come upstairs. I went down to see him . he was playing a game on his itouch. " He's back" I said. Nick nodded. " You need to go upstairs and see him." He ignored me. Playing his game. I started getting annoyed.
I did not want my sons to shy away from feelings. Feelings may be  uncomfortable but they can be managed & I was flooded with all the adult men in my practice who will do just about anything but feel an uncomfortable feeling. And all the women who sit in my office, feeling alone with their husband sitting 3 inches away from them. I was not going to let him lose this opportunity to feel bad and handle it. So I said. " You are not going to leave him hanging up there. You are going up stairs, giving him a hug and saying " I'm sorry"" Nick had tears in his eyes, and wasn't moving. "Now" I said. 

He walked by me wordless, and wiped his tears as he went up the stairs. A few minutes later I walked in on the besties hugging it out in my kitchen. Not a word was spoken, but none were needed. Being there- is- being there.

When I went in to say good night to Alex, I said to him, "Have you seen Matt?"  " Is he here?" he asked.
" Yeah , he is downstairs."  " Oh," says Alex.  Not breaking his stride in getting into bed. " I feel really bad for him."  Oy vey- " You could tell him that," I coach, " Go downstairs, he's here." 
" Nay, that would be awkward:" he responds, pulling the covers up to his neck.
One at a time I guess.
I'm proud of Nick, really proud. we all need to teach our children they can handle their emotions, even the difficult ones. Just feel them, do not be afraid of them.
And the lesson, besides Nicks, is that life changes in an instant, any instant. I had complained to two different people about being a little bored lately that very morning. - no more. I was reminded that day of how precious our blessings are, and how they can be taken away in an instant.

Imagine

I spoke to another therapist this morning, an old supervisee. She needed confirmation of the hours I spent supervising her (I was supposed to keep that?) Luckily she has that. We commiserated about parenting teens. Her daughter was just entering what we referred to as " the dark ages" and she was blown away when I told her I have the three all in the midst. We talked about how thankless the job is, how lonely it can feel, especially when you are a single mom, how emotionally painful it truly can be. And mostly we laughed at the insanity of it all.

About how asking my son one simply question results in a screaming " Why are you interrogating me?"
Or when a slight adjustment in my tone is met with "You don't have to freak out about it mom!" or
"Mom's freaking out about it"- they like saying that-collectively as if we are at war & I am the crazy one.
Luckily,? Nick has seen me in all out freak-out mode,  Once- I opened a can of Costco sized Whoop Ass on him, and it had as much potency as can of Redi-whip. But it does serve as a marker, so when I am accused of  '"Freaking Out" I can just turn to Nick, who lowers his head, or smirks and says, " Nope, um, no that is NOT her freaking out." & I feel validated by that, in a strange way.

So my friend shared how she would pay a taxi to take her daughter to the airport rather then endure the 30 minutes of berating and character assassination her daughter liked to load on her during car rides.

She told me of the moment she "knew". She was in the shower & her daughter stormed in the bathroom waving a shirt & screaming about it having been discolored in the wash. She informed her daughter of the obvious " Well I am taking a shower right now and we will discuss this when I am done in a few minutes."

When she went down the hall, dry and dressed, to speak with her daughter, her daughter was singing and dancing around the room, and greeted her with a cheerful " Hi mom". It was at this moment, she knew she wasn't in Kansas anymore.
I remember my moment also, I recall walking into MY office, while Alex was working on MY computer and asking him a question about his plans. I was met with the Teenage Anthem for the first time. " Mom, it's my life, back off". I believe he was 13 at the time also. I have to say, I covered my mouth so he would not see the smile. I know that is NOT the appropriate reaction for the Teen Declaration of Independence. but it was my first time, & I was naively excited for my overly obedient child to develop some chops.

She asked me how I get through it. I gave props to my Red Tent crew. I have the oldest kids of us all, so mostly they just nod and coo at my pain and suffering. The know their turn is coming. What I like best is how non-judgemental they are, and how when I am referring to my kids in less than favorable terms, they laugh and say, " I wonder what they would think if they knew you called them that." Especially me who, in my friend group, is the Mary Poppins of swears. It's the laughing that's the best part. The laughing that gets me through.
Like this morning, when I mentioned to Alex I was starting a detox program next week. And he said, "Oh are you getting rid of all the wrinkles in your face?" and you know I didn't even throw something at him, so I say "Yeah me." and laugh- he was thinking Botox, so that's good, I guess.

Sleep-overs & couples therapy

It's not what you think. Me & 4 boys in my basement.
Wait that's not sounding right.
So I'm walking down the stairs to do a check on the 4 teens hanging out in my basement, when I am stopped on the stairs. " So Cat, ( I prefer that to Mrs Roche, who is my ex mother in-law, and not who I am at all) how do you break up with a girl?"

"Why do you ask?" I inquire.

"Mom. your calves are huge"- thanks Nick, I know, a genetic mutation, my calves are as huge as my brother's. No skinny jeans ( not that my hips cooperate with that anyway) or tall boots. Anyway, I digress.

Then I worked hard that hour, coaching on text responses, insisting of break ups being over the phone, if in person is not possible. Asking them to refrainn from the initial juvemile responses they had to the bait from the girls. It's fascinating watching them struggle through creating appropriate boundaries, trying to own their own emotions and weigh that against fear and potential.

" It just ends sometimes right?",one asks me." You can just not feel the same about someone"

"Yes" I say with more weight than I wished to convey. I recover quickly with a " At your age you are growing and changing and it makes sense to want to see who you are with different people."

When the texts got personal, blaming my son for ruining relationships he had nothing to do with, I needed to show the utmost appropriate response. " I would not even response do that dumb-ass( my new favorite word- sad I know) statement. How do you even talk to her?" ok so I got a little heated. But that was my baby she was bad-mouthing. 
And I stand by- sometimes no response is the best response. Sad to say it took me years to learn that one.

An hour and a half later, fielding many adolescent questions and coaching through much confusion over the females responses. I went to bed.

In the future, I may start asking my son/s friends for copies of their insurance cards before they sleep-over.

Echos of the Breakfast Club

I have been in this field for close to 20 years. YIKES! In 1992 I graduated as a Marriage & Family Therapist. My experiences in the four years I was absorbed in the program at SCSU were life changing.One of the largest lessons, that I had already had the seed of, (planted by my friend Aimee in high school, who also became an MFT), but was confirmed was simply " We are more alike than different" Thank you John Hughes-

Each summer I attend a conference at the Cape to meet my continuing education requirements. And each year I come back with an appreciation for the depth and thoroghness of the education I recieved at SCSU. And I ususally write a note of thanks to  Drs. Barbara & Ed Lynch, thanking them again for the enormous impact they had on my life.

Once again this year, sitting in a room, of generally older therapist, psychologists and social workers, I was struck by what appeared to be the presentation and understanding of this simple concept. Underneath it all, we are not so different after all. This thought was echoed again and again, with a sense of surprise, by my classmates, as we watched videos and experienced live sessions. On a side note, Adele was amused by how excited I was to get to watch live therapy sesssions, hey I admit I am different. Probably akin to her seeing a huge deal close. Anyway, it struck me, if those of us blessed enough to be given the opportunity to see each other in all of our naked emotional vulnerability need to be reminded, underneath it all we are all made out of similar cloth, that probably everyone needs to be reminded.

Not color, not religion, not socio economic status, not age, not ethnicity, not prestige, nor poverty change the fact that we all want to be included, want to be loved,  we feel pain, sadness and fear. We all have been hurt, perhaps even traumatized, we have lost, we suffer. We also feel love, hope, tenderness and compassion. Look at the children, I have often held the belief that they are nearest to God, therefore nearest to our most perfect state. Before our socialization techniques, and Life, create the changes that often come to mar the most beautiful form of SELF. Look at them, they know compassion, and curiosity, creativity, calm and caring. It is inate, it is who we are meant to be. All of us.

I am very excited about this theraputic technique I was exposed to, ready to do another scrubbing of my own interior psyche and have more tools to use with my own clients. I will keep you posted!

Thank you!

91 more post reads and I will be at 5000. Not ever a real goal, just kind of cool, and have I mentioned?, my mom has NEVER read my blog. So she is not even stuffing the numbers with her friends!

I started this for a few reasons. most of which remain in tact today, which brings up a point. Every once in a while I like to evaluate " Why am I doing this?' " Is it still relevant?" " Do I still enjoy it?" ( Thus the pictures and scrapbook material spread across my dining room table, it has become a chore). I like to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I take my cue from Mother Nature.

Look how our bodies work, when working right. Take the good out of our food, get rid of what we don't need. And if we don't give ourselves enough, we suffer, and if we take more than we need, well, there's a system in place to let that be known as well. :-)
And how her great wind storms help clear the deadened branches from tress and make room for new.
It's a good system, and it works.
I like to do this with the family as well. Check the systems we have in place, are they working? what was their purpose? Do they need to be adjusted? One of the beautiful parts of this is including the boys' experiences in the conversation. Of course I am always in conflict with the youngest over my methods of discipline (see my post on Feedback), but on other ways, I want the boys' to know their opinions are important, all the while maintaining my truth of knowing more than they do about the world, and the "rammy" adolescent male brain.
I digress- Thank you, those who read, those who respond, those who tell me they read privately, those who find my posts worthy to pass on to others. I am honored and flattered- And this is still working.Thank you

Women & Body Image

Women, we walk & we talk and we criticize and bemoan. We can't rid of this, that's too big, too jiggly. I remember one time in my life where I was happy with my body image. Unfortunately it was a very low point of my life, and I was not eating and I was exercising, hard, 6-10 hours a week. And not eating, and breastfeeding. That's when I thought I looked my best. How sad.

All through high school I thought I was fat. This was high school graduation. When I look back at this young woman now, there's so much I would tell me.
Not the least of which was to enjoy this body, appreciate it. Most of my friends were very petite, but by many standards I was petite as well, barely 5'4". But they were barely 5', so I felt like an over sized giant. It's all perspective.

This was me during my college years on a trip to Aspen. Again, I thought I was fat. I did not enjoy this body either, I was critical and angry that I did not have the long waist and gradually sloping hips pasted on the cover of magazines. I did not ever notice what I did have, just what I didn't. Do you see how the sweater has so much blousing space between my bust & waist.?  I didn't notice.

And after giving birth to three kids, I felt fat in Hawaii. Yes, I wore a bikini, with a constant cover up. I remember all that week feeling self conscious and lumbering. What was I thinking? What are we thinking?

There have been times I have indeed been fat. My last year of Grad school while I saw over 25 clients a week, plus drove 6 + hours, plus sat in classes for another 6 and ate only at fast food resturants, I was fat. I have the graduation pictures to prove it. After a break-up a few years ago I spent a  while drowning in peanut m&m's. I got fat then too. Since the new year I have been working hard on loosing weight and exercising more. It took 7 weeks to lose the first three pounds. I cannot give up, not just for the weight, but for the health. I have decided that on a day to day basis today, I need to feel good about myself.

I , we, will never be any younger than we are today. Today is a day to choose to feel good about the body we have and all the things it does for us. Even if. No,  no "even if". 

Less criticizing, more appreciating. 

Put your mask on first

She told me I looked great in everything, but bought herself nothing. She told me I could do anything, and then took over her boss' job at a fraction of the pay. She told me I was smart, strong and free, and she stayed trapped in an unhealthy relationship that not only damaged her, but her children as well. And as children do,  I followed her example of a woman's worth instead of absorbing her words as wishes for me. It took a crisis for me to learn this lesson.

"Put your mask on first", the flight attendant says, "before assisting others." As a young mother with three children on a flight I often smirked at this command. Like any woman in her right mind would make sure she was okay while her child struggled. And yet it is what we must do. In little ways, everyday.

But first, if you are like most women I know, you need to find out what "your mask" is.
 What brings you oxygen, life, joy?
What energizes you and makes it so you can return to your difficult and time consuming job of taking care of others?
Years ago, when I was training to be a therapist a speaker was brought in to a class for some comic relief, and to deliver a message. I always prefer my messages to be delivered with comic relief personally. I think they stick better. One of the things she told us was if we each made a list of ten things that nurtured us each day, and did them, we would never need therapy. My list has changed over the years as my life has changed, but I find I am in a better mood when I hit at least 8 out of my ten each day. They do not have to be big things, and they should be things you have some control over.

1. Look out the picture window in my bedroom, see the sunrise & thank God for it

Sunrise out that window-Room design- Linda Burhance
Paint- Adele Unger

2. Feel the softness of my pillowcases on my cheek

3. S-T-R-E-T-C-H

4. A mug of hot tea (several mugs, vats really)

5. Go for a walk

6. Talk to a few friends

7. Hug my boys *

8. Laugh out loud

9. Pet and baby talk my dogs

10. Do something from my to do list

11. Dance

12. Sing out loud

13. Connect with a family member

I have a few extra in case the weather doesn't cooperate with my sunrise or walking. I do these things everyday and they nourish me. Participating in these activities keeps me in the here & now. They keep me balance and available for those I love.

My mom did the best she could, and is now, possibly for the first time in her life, learning how to put her mask on first. I am grateful to her and proud to be her daughter. 

Now go, make your list of what nourishes you.  Then do them! :-)

Put your mask on first, so you can help your kids with theirs.

* By design, even with shared custody, there are only two days each month that I do not see them at some point during the day