Things you can count on

So I had a rare opportunity of spending some time with Bev Jean tonight. Michael was " graduating", I use the term loosely, from 8th grade. And true to my word, I would go if he wanted to go. As mom & I are heading over to the campus, she confidently tells me this is the month I will meet " Someone". You know the "someone" the friends & family of a single person hope for for the single person. And the "Someone" a single person hopes will be funny, and love their kids and be a good guy, a really good guy. So Mom said I will meet this someone in an unusual place, and she encouraged me to go to the Unitarian Church I have been talking about checking out. I said, " Cool" and got to preoccupied with her heavy breathing and holding up people behind us while walking to the ceremony, to worry more about men in unusual places.

While in the ceremony Mom was comparing it to my niece's ceremony that she had attended last week. She commented on what I should do the " next" time I attend an 8th grade graduation. I reminded her that this was my last child. She smiled at me and said, " you never know, you might get your girl". I am sure my face was a bit screwed up at that suggestion. I reminded her (I seem to remind her of things a lot), that I am 46 and my child bearing years were probably behind me, despite of my heart's willingness. I did a quick calculation, I don;t want to be 66 at a graduation. She just smiled and said" You never know".

As we were leaving the ceremony I allowed my curiosity over my mother's confident assertions to
be voice. My mom spends a good deal of time talking to relatives who have passed, & wrapping my kids, and I am sure myself, in Angels, and she's a daily parishioner at ST Greg's, so I thought maybe there was some divine communication she was operating off of. So I said, " Mom, where are you getting this information about me meeting someone from?"  " TV Guide" is her response.

" TV Guide horoscope" She cautioned me it wasn't in effect until the 22nd.  I laughed, come on you would laugh too!

Then I thought about it. TV Guide does accurately predict what is on TV 24 hours a day 7 days a week, maybe it's as good as any. Or maybe the confidence, if you can call it that, from her confidence, will project to the universe and Voila!  He will be here.....Of course, you will be the first to know! After TV Guide that is.

There's another star in the sky tonight

One of the ten most important women in my life passed away. She suffered for a long time, and lived a long full life, yet I ache.

I was told about her before I met her. I was told, " If you want to be a great therapist, you go to Southern." Tales of the tough, no nonsense program director spread like any good gossip, and created a charged atmosphere that I am pretty sure she enjoyed. I was 22 when I went for the interview, with her grad assistant, not with her, but she had to maneuver around the chair near the grad assistant's desk where I was. After the third maneuver, she looked at me and said, "You are in my way!" I was shocked, (it was their set up) and amused, and scared. I am pretty sure I spent the next four years, as my respect and admiration for her grew, vacillating between those emotions.
 Barbara sparkled. When she was pleased or excited, like if someone replenished the fireballs, she sparkled. When you "got" a concept you had struggled with, she sparkled, or she walked away to let you absorb it without your ego needing her admiration.

She challenged me, she spoke the truth. She supported me. She showed me options I did not know existed. She taught me a math game to help keep minds sharp, and was hers ever! She was funny. She delighted me with stories of child rearing, I felt like I had a glimpse of Divine getting to listen to her. She cared about people, and worked for the children, and the children's children.

I remember after one of my last one way mirror sessions ( I'm the therapist with the couple on one side, a group of students & Barbara on the other), we would follow up with brief supervision meetings. I was nervous, as I always was with Barbara behind the one way, she could require you to justify why you did anything you did in session. She walked away & said, " I have nothing to say." I was confused, oh yeah, I spent a good deal of time confused, just one of many spots on the road to growth. Pats on the back were not handed out, but not needing to go over a session, that was about as good as it got, (I was told by a more experienced student.) I had spent four years challenged, confronted, supported and respected. & I had the time of my life.
After I graduated, I was able  to have Barbara continue to supervise me. It was such a blessing. She was this first person I told I was pregnant, and the one I told about my ambivalence of being pregnant.  She responded," I expect nothing but complete honesty from you, you are incapable of anything else. Most women would not want to admit that." And after 28 years of being told I was supposed to be " Nice" Barbara, indirectly,  helped me find my inner bitch, and assured me every woman should have control over hers as a very necessary part of oneself. She met my boys, I know they will never remember, I wanted her to see them. And them to be near the woman who made me a better mother than I could have ever hoped to be without knowing her.
After I stopped working I kept in touch via Christmas cards & emails. And a yearly thank you note I would send after I attended yet another conference that taught me just how much she already taught me. She was always there when I needed words of wisdom, support or  a reality check. She seemed to always be there at challenging times of my life. She read a tribute I wrote about my grandmother after she passed away, and said, she can only hope someone would have such wonderful things to say about her at her time. I can't hope to effect the thousand's of people Barbara's life effected, but I will try for hundreds, in her honor.
And last Thursday, when my 8 am client said about a challenging conversation, " & I heard your voice in my head". I smile knowingly. I am blessed to have Barbara's voice in my head, I hope to have a spec of her wisdom in my brain, and a portion of her ability to love in my heart. And when I am feeling a little sloppy as therapist, I pretend I have to justify my every move to her, and she makes me a better person.

"That Mom"

Remember That Girl,  the sweet young girl trying to make it in New York. Longing for Donald to pop the question, " That Girl" being pulled from a line-up of dancers by Ethel Merman? She was sweet, funny, joyful.
Well I am apparently "That Mom" which carries none of the positive attributes of Marlo Thomas' character. "That Mom", is not a good thing according to the teenage boy sect. But you see,
"That Mom" is needed in today's world, & I carry the label willingly. I'd rather be "that mom" than " too busy Mom", or "disinterested Mom".
It started years ago, well with my childhood actually. I was brought up in a time that if Mrs Hook or any of the other adult neighbors, caught you doing something wrong, your mom was going to find out. Adults were adults & kids were kids and right was right & not everyone won the game and got a trophy, and complaining about your teacher resulted in your parents being upset with you, not your teacher. I happen to think there's some good stuff in there.
So while on vacation years ago and playing a giant game of Candy land,  a parent less child decides to sit close enough to the game board, after he won his loot, to steal more pieces. I am the mom who says, " You have had enough and that's not okay, put it back." Nicely, but with constant eye contact. I am the mom who,
during a Yankees game with my young boys, turned to the teens/early 20's behind me and asked them to watch their language in front of my kids, and they did & they were nice about it. I think the world wants us to be better. When we ask for better behavior, we often get it, and that's good for everyone.
I was " That Mom" last week when I informed the coaches association of a Freshman coach who not only verbally abused his team ( and their moms were there to see it!) but he threw his clipboard into the stands, and yelled whenever out team took a shot. Did I mention they were winning ... by alot? Someone needs to say, " It is not ok to talk to kids like that" & If I have to be that mom, I will.
I took #1 to UNC for a college visit. We were told there would be around 300 people during our time slot, and to get there early, as there were three time slots. Ten minutes into what was supposed to be a presentation no one was in the auditorium. I was staring to get the " That Mom" talk. " Mom don't do anything." We teased that they must be conducting a social experiment to see what people would do. Alex thought it was a test in patience. I told him I thought there was a communication issue and if it were a social experiment they were looking for who would just sit there and do nothing and who would find out how to make things better. Sitting was excruciating for me. My body was tingling with forced stayputtedness. Then I broke  25 minutes into what was supposed to be an informational session, I grabbed my phone and went to the hallway where I was that mom. I called the admission's office to let them know 300 people had been waiting for 30 minutes. They did not know. The person who was supposed to show was MIA, someone ran down and gave us a condensed speech.  I wish I had called ten minutes into the waiting. I have to give myself permission to be "That Mom". Even when it's unpopular with my kids, cause in the end, we all need her sometimes.

Appreciating what you have

There's a popular saying, "Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have." and as you know, I am generally a happy lady. That is not to say I don't, at times, feel sad, lonely, unappreciated, and empty. I am, as a lot of us are, in this limbo place where I want to be available to my kids. I don't feel comfortable committing myself to something that would compete with that, a romantic relationship, a Phd, etc. That being said, my patchwork quilt of a life at times feels rich & full and at others, lonely and empty.

A big part of that richness is Adele. I know I wrote about her last week, & while I was writing that tribute, unbenownst to me, she was working her magic with my kids behind my back! Adele has frequently stepped in and supported the kids to show their appreciation and appropriate behavior when they were not given that guidance elsewhere. One Mother's Day, when they were young and particularly incapable of doing things on their own, she helped them create a Mother's Day redo, complele with breakfast in bed & a painted plate. She checked in with them at Christmas time, Mother's Day & my birthday to make sure they have bases covered. As Alex ia almost 17, I had not thought she was still doing that.

Well while I was busy avoiding her these last two weeks to have her suprise party go off without her catching me in a lie, she was busy contacting my boys getting them organized to give me a beautiful framed appreciation tribute for my birthday. It was a flowing poem of our memories and acknowledgement of what I represent for them. " your ridiculous dancing in the car". Most importantly she supported them to be better men.
I wish you all an "Adele", in your life. But not mine, she's taken.

Angels among us

There are people that inspired each of us to be who we are. One of them was my Girl Scout Leader when I was in elementary school. She was the mom of my classmate & friend Judy. Simply put~ she saw me. It sounds strange doesn't it? but in reality, where I came from, that was rare.
My Grandmother saw me, and on Tuesday she will be celebrating her 2nd anniversary of her freedom in Heaven. One of the many lessons I learn from my Grandmother is you are never too old to be valuable to someone. She was well in her 50's when we met, an entire lifetime lived before my existence, and yet she was one of the most profound influence in my life.
Her sister, my Aunt Rita, was another. Her attention , love, kindness, and companionship when I was a stay at home mom with three little boys got me through many difficult times. My children's lives, the good parts of me, would not be here with out these people.



Mrs Johnstone was different. With no family relation binding us, her gift to me was free and unexpected. As a sad and lonely little girl living in a frightening household, the Wednesdays I got to take the bus to Judy's, have dinner with them and stay till our Girl Scout meeting was over, was a peace and warmth I did not often experience. She made me feel worthwhile. She had time for me. Even when I exasperated her by being done quickly with any of our projects, the sit-up-on, the plates we made to commemorate the troupe, she would affectionately tease me and taught me how to twiddle my thumbs while I waited for the rest of the girls to finish.  It became a joke between us. I would hurry up and finish something and ask her what to do next, and she would tell me to twiddle my thumbs. I can still hear her voice singing " Day is done" and I remember the hand squeeze that ended every meeting. I don't know if she knew, the respite I received while in her care. Judy seemed to know I needed her mom. She called me a few days ago to let me know another one of my angels was going to return to heaven soon.  Suffering should end, and freedom granted. I know this is true, and after watching my own end of life for my Grandparents, I do look at death differently. And I am horribly sad for Judy and her family. Especially Judy's little girl, who will not get to know the woman who had so much enthusiasm and adventure in her heart ( any woman will to take a bunch of girls into the woods to cook over an open fire and sleep in A framed tents ROCKS).

The take away~ be someone's angel.  Best case scenario, be your own kids' angel. Being someone else's kid's angel is pretty awesome to. That's what these people taught me, and part of the reason I do what I do,

Thank you Mrs Johnstone and "good night scouts".

The Bet

So I didn't win the bet. I stopped dating at number 15. To be fair, the last 6 weeks of the year were really busy, things I would rather be doing than meeting strangers. Also though, I was so dissappointed when my amazing 2 1/2 hour preliminary conversation turned into a dud of a date 3 days later, I am sure that lead to me dragging my feet at the end of the year. Tina said my punishment was to buy her a skinny grande latte at Starbucks & say nice things about her. I told her it sounded like she wanted a first date with me.

But, it's a New Year, so I hopped on to eharmony for the free weeekend to see what I could see. Well as luck would have it, you are not allow to see anything on a free weekend. I have 187 matches. Most of which have not been active for 3 years and no pictures. So basically it was overwhelming with a few signs of hope.

As my business grows ( REALLY GOOD THING!) I spend more time alone at work with people I cannot date( not such a great thing) So the internet seems like a reasonable choice. A friend did pursue a dating service, only to not get called by them to confirm the appointment, so she bagged them. If they can't confirm an appointment how are they going to get her a date?

So I signed up. Just a 3 month membership with an astronomical upgrade in price when I forget to cancel. So I wrote CANCEL on my calendar the week beforeit is needed. Now if I only remember what I am cancelling. Someone write me and remind me, will you?
With the purchase I get pictures. And I am not so sure that that was a good thing. I have some questions about it actually. What's with the motorcycles? With & without riders on them? And the fish? What's with the fish? Is it a hobby thing? Do they really want to see pictures of me scrapbooking? Or of a finished page of my scrapbook? Or maybe the back of my head with a view of the TV in front of it with one of my favorite old Hepburn & Tracy movies on?
For some of the guys, to answer the question " What are you most passionate about?" the answer is often a sports team. I asked my brother about this, he said it was more about them testing if I would tolerate them liking a sports team. With I have 5 brothers and three sons,  I get it.  A Sunday to go do whatever I want? Works for me. Heck, I can even sometimes curl up and watch some with them, as long as I can have my Oprah magazine nearby.
Wait, should I take a picture with that?

Parenting through fear or love?

I spoke with Bev Jean for a brief moment yesterday. But you know how it is, when you speak with a loved one, a brief moment, can speak volumes. All the words tend to count. I had given her a book by Nora Ephron, something about neck wrinkles, I glanced through it prior to handing it over, ( That's not officially regifting is it?) So Bev Jean says to me " I finished the book you gave me, and I have earmarked something I want to share with you & talk about." I asked her to share at the moment as I was familiar with the book. She says" The part where she talks about parenting. & how you parents today, and you know I think you bend over backwards for those kids ( THOSE kids? you mean mine? The ones I chose to bring into this world?- thoughts not spoken words) well, she says you know how parents today say something like "I know you didn't mean to break mommy's lamp when you threw the ball" well it's just to much" I remarked on the obvious literary license Ephron used, but let her know I understood what she was getting at.
"Mom you mean because this generation talks to their kids more than yours did? Cause we'd get hit first and asked questions later? " And sometimes hit with a belt for just being in the general area of the mishap.
"Yeah, I'm not sure it's working" Sometimes I think she forgets what I do for a living.
"So Mom, because some parents have tried to not shame their children for child-like behavior, you think we are all parenting wrong? Is it possible the adults who were those kids who got hit first and questioned later didn't like that parenting method?"
" Well in my generation" I  have to admit I interrupted this one "You got hit and no questions later?"
" No" she said, "we didn't do it because we were told not to"  So somehow, magically, at 2, 3 & 4 years old children of two generations ago had a far superior sense of self control and logic? Or did they know they'd get hit if they did something wrong? And where did that lead them?

We have had the conversation many times over of raising kids through fear or through mutual respect. She'd criticize me frequently for not applying some " psychology to the seat of their pants", when the boys were small.
I agreed with her, that I see in my practice some parents, who, not wanting to repeat what was done to them,  shift the balance to allowing the child too much power, which is as damaging as not considering them enough, and again stated, " While I know the jury is out on my own parenting for another 20 years, I am comfortable with having three straight A students who seem basically kind, are interested in eating health & exercising "
What I didn't say was, at 16, 14, and 13, to my knowledge, my kids have not gotten involved with drugs, alcohol, have not had depression , anxiety or issues stealing, and I am fairly confident no one is sexually active, all of which is more than I can say for her children at those ages.

So, yes the jury is out, and I know as a future grandma I will need to bite my tongue a million times over regarding what I think is the best way to raise children ( PLEASE breastfeed & one of you stay home with them for the first two years!!!)- but it'll be none of my business.
I hope the old adage of " you do the best with what you know at the time, and when you know more, you do better" holds. Here's to learning more about child development, and bonding, human interaction.

Thank you!

91 more post reads and I will be at 5000. Not ever a real goal, just kind of cool, and have I mentioned?, my mom has NEVER read my blog. So she is not even stuffing the numbers with her friends!

I started this for a few reasons. most of which remain in tact today, which brings up a point. Every once in a while I like to evaluate " Why am I doing this?' " Is it still relevant?" " Do I still enjoy it?" ( Thus the pictures and scrapbook material spread across my dining room table, it has become a chore). I like to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I take my cue from Mother Nature.

Look how our bodies work, when working right. Take the good out of our food, get rid of what we don't need. And if we don't give ourselves enough, we suffer, and if we take more than we need, well, there's a system in place to let that be known as well. :-)
And how her great wind storms help clear the deadened branches from tress and make room for new.
It's a good system, and it works.
I like to do this with the family as well. Check the systems we have in place, are they working? what was their purpose? Do they need to be adjusted? One of the beautiful parts of this is including the boys' experiences in the conversation. Of course I am always in conflict with the youngest over my methods of discipline (see my post on Feedback), but on other ways, I want the boys' to know their opinions are important, all the while maintaining my truth of knowing more than they do about the world, and the "rammy" adolescent male brain.
I digress- Thank you, those who read, those who respond, those who tell me they read privately, those who find my posts worthy to pass on to others. I am honored and flattered- And this is still working.Thank you

Ladies Night

While ladies night is not a rare thing in my life, little talked about benefit of divorce is having two free from parenting weekends each month, having Adele join us out is a rare treat. When she called me up midday to find out what my evening plans were, to surprise me with the treat of her rare freedom ( she has NO free from parenting minutes) I screamed in the car. Michael, who was laying down in the back seat, looked at me like I was crazy. But ladies you know. You have lots of friends you love and enjoy, and you have a few who know exactly what you are thinking without you saying it. And who make you a better person just by being with you, and I crack her up, like tears streaming down her face crack her up, and that's pretty cool.

So she joined our posse and we headed to Splash down in Westport. The outside bar looked like the set & cast of Housewives of Fairfield County, with  ( any why haven't they added this?) a few dramatic gay couples thrown in for flavor. Entertaining. Inside was funky and cool, and after the waiter went to lengths to ask us how we wanted our food delivered, one of my  table mates chuckle. I asked her what was humorous, she said, "you will see". In spite of our well planned directions food was brought out willy nilly over the course of about 20 minutes, my crab cakes first , our shared dinner salad second to last. It was  a " we are SOOO cool that we can do this all ass backwards and you will still come back" NY kind of thing, It took Adele a good half hour to have her drink, which she ended up preparing for herself at our table made. Olives in one container, juice in another, ice in yet another and then there was the glass. LOL - or maybe they didn't want us to come back, not a bit of botox in our whole bunch. The 70 year old man making out with his pregnant 30 year old wife was really the icing on the cake for us.

So we went to check out some more of the local scene. I have to say the funniest part of the evening was watching some cougarettes fly into a flurry, animatedly pointing and whispering, when one of us "cougars" innocently enough started chatting it up with a male quasi attached to the group. Yes, we should have video'd it.  That was funny. Ahh the power of security VS insecurity...

Interestingly enough, the only member of our group hit upon by a male( not that we were looking for it) was the one member who has absolutely no use for the gender. As we were leaving this particular establishment he grabbed her at the door and started chatting her up, the rest of us walked into the street and I started to sing " One of these things is not like the others" Ala Sesame Street. I figured he'd figure it out sooner or later.
Maybe before I finished my song.

To be fair, one of our group was looking for a possibility. When discouraged at 1:30 she lamented" Where are all the good men?" I assured her that any man I would want to meet was probably at home, and sleeping at 1:30 in the morning, which is where I was hoping to be, soon. For me going out with the ladies, is really about enjoying their company and having a few laughs, - mission accomplished.

Momma said there'd be days like these

So as I was looking for my diamond studs, yeah you read that right, I am looking for my diamond studs. Usually they are found in my ear lobs.They are there not because I don't have a lot of choices in earrings, I wear them everyday so I DON"T LOSE THEM. But dating machine that I am, I have recently been switching them out to some of my other pairs, and par for the course, have misplaced my DIAMOND STUDS.  But I digress-

I found a birthday card, in my hunt, I found a birthday card, a 21st birthday card to be exact from my Janie. My Janie is the one who has had the bad day. Yes worse than not finding the studs. Janie's family is going through some tough stuff not unusual for an American family in these times. It is stressful and exhausting, and distracting. And in her distraction this morning, as she was trying to plan ahead and run back in the house to grab a banana, she forgot to put the car in park. When she realized it, it was just in time to see it scrape across the side of the house, severing several utilities, and doing a number on the car as well.

Jane called me almost immediately to tell me her woe. I recounted to her the many car accidents I was in during the years I was trying to decide about the viability of my marriage ( yep years). 3 to be exact, three accidents. One with the garage door. Stress takes a toll on us, no doubt.

Jane's a woman of humor and quickly worked to find humor in the situation. I got a text from her in the afternoon with estimate of the repair for the car only. She said it was a $1950 banana. I replied " Ape Shit"
I'm pretty sure she smile.
Momma said there'd be days like this. We all need our Red Tent Crew to get us through

Mantras

I deal with them all the time. So many of us run our lives by unaware mantras softly whispered in the back of our minds. So softly that we often can't hear them until faced with the silence of a therapist's office.  I am an escavator of those mantras, introjects as we call them in my field. Thoughts so firmly and deeply planted in our minds they form how we approach life. " I am worthless", " I don't count", " I am unlovable". I am on my current soapbox after just hanging up with a woman friend of mine. Great woman, well educated, beautiful, funny as all get out, loving mom. And she forgot.

She forgot all that she is. A bump in a relationship left her shroud in self doubt and feeling ugly and worthless. A bump. In a relationship hardly out of it's embriotic phase. We women need a swift kick in the arse sometimes. So we talked, & I got tough, (who lil' o me?). She said she needed to know where the relationship was at, he hasn't been as attentive the past few days as he was before she revealed something a little vulnerable about herself. He also told her he was heading into a very busy time with work and finishing up his post secondary education this week. I told her she was being a " girl". Groan ! we tend to get off balance too easily, look too much for their response to us,( forget we are also in a position of choosing) , think we must have done something wrong ( illussion of control) and frequently look for the meta message as opposed to taking a man at his word. "he was heading into a very busy time with work and finishing up his post secondary education this week."
 " But I need to know" she cried. So I got really tough- " All you need to know, all that all of us need to know,  all we can know, is we can handle whatever comes our way." There are no assurances in life, anyone we love may/ will disappoint us, betray us, leave us. But we can handle it. We are enough.

Physician heal thyself. And I have come along way. Leaving an abusive relationship, ( took years) picking myself up off the ground after loosing a huge love (again took years), wrestled with self doubt. Good thing life is a marathon, and not a sprint. Plenty of time to learn the lessons put in front of us and reap the benefits of peace and contentment. Yep that's it Peace & Contenment. No awards, financial gains, or infamy. It's really rather undramatic.

I expect I will take another turn around the self -doubt bend again before my life is over. But for now, I am firmly planted, I am enough, and so are you.

16 Years ago today

I met a boy. A boy who would change my life in profound and delightful ways. I never felt more right. More tired, more frustrated, more love, more joy, more worry. And nothing and everything has changed.

I labored, and had no idea I was in labor with my Bichon at my side, watching "Arthur" on TV at 2 am. When I woke up Alex's dad at 5:00, we still had no idea it was real. We got to the hospital at 7:30 and Alex made his appearance of 11:03 a.m.( do not be jealous, every subsequent child took longer) The nurse chided me for having natural child birth.(B*&ch)

As a first time mom, I didn't think to protest when they took him from me to warm him under the fake lights. By my second baby I knew to hold him next to my skin to achieve the same result in a more loving fashion. And to challenge standard hospital procedure in favor of what was best for my child. He made me stronger. It was surreal, I was expected at work, he was a week early.

I had heard things, like you loose all sense of modesty...and I did, anyone and everyone who could help me figure out breastfeeding was welcome to observe, manipulate and assist. I remember standing bare chested at the hospital window waiting for the lactation consultant, when I realized I was bare chested looking out the hospital window. Hello down there in the parking lot! Nothing mattered, well nothing but him. I recall being driven home and realizing people, like my mom, and my grandparents, and siblings, and husband and his family and friends, all expected me to keep this baby alive. Holy Crap!  It was overwhelming, and I was 28 with a Masters degree! I prayed every night that year, that he was alive when I woke up in the morning. Lucky for both of us he didn't actually believe in sleeping at night, for the full year.

There are many things no one tells you, cause you wouldn't believe them. And I know Alex has no way of knowing how profoundly his coming into my life effected me, and he will not know until a someone places his child in his own arms. The depth and ability to love we humans are capable of. It is magnificent.

16 years later and I know Panda, you don't get why sometimes I just need to see you, look at you and just absorb your presence every once in a while.That I miss carrying you to bed by piggy back, which I did until your legs were longer than mine. That I miss how easy just snuggling and cuddling was, but how happy I am for you about the pride you take in your nutrition and maturing body. I know you look to the future full of hope, excitement and great possibilities. And I wake from a dead sleep in a full sweat at the thought of you driving on our windy New England roads. And I do my best to smile for you, encourage you forward and keep the tears and worry to myself.

Roots & Wings my mom always said, "Give them roots, then give them wings". And a job done well means they leave you. This kind of sucks, no one tells you that.

OK ladies turn

Sorry, the holiday had me off track. To continue last weeks blog, let's talk about us girls.

You already know how we work. While we clean up the house, we start in the kitchen, as we are cleaning the counter, we notice Tommy left his baseball cap there. So we run it up to his room and put it on the dresser, close all the open drawers, make his bed, see his laundry is over flowing so we take it down to the laundry, start the load and notice no one cleaned up the mud  on the floor from the weekend so we go back to the kitchen to get the broom and see the dishes left in the sink that we were going to wash before we found that baseball cap. We wash the dishes and finish the counter when the washer is done, we head back to the laundry room, put the stuff in the dryer then remember we were going to sweep the floor from the weekend mud. Head back to the kitchen to get the broom and notice the magazines in the family room we had been promising ourselves we would go thru before we decorate for Christmas. We start to do through them, find a recipe we might like to try, rip it out and bring it to the kitchen and start looking for the ingredients. Oh yeah,we need to make that shopping list, looking for the pen & paper to start the list, go to the computer to check which store has the most of what you want on sale, realize you have not cleaned your computer screen in weeks, head back to the laundry room to get the screen cleaner, walk by the mud for the third time and vow to yourself you will go get that broom RIGHT now, but the dryer goes off and you want to fold  clothes before things get wrinkled...you get the picture. It's just how our brains work. One thing leads to another, in many a cross over pattern.

And no one knows better then our male significant others, while we hold his feet to the fire on a slight at the party last night, and bring up something that occurred over the summer while out on his friends boat. It makes perfect sense to us, cause as you see from the ball of yarn, it's all connected. Remember though, their brains are more like a chest of drawers, and to access what happened over the summer he has to head into the archives, and probably filed under "unpleasant stuff I do not want to recall". That file comes with automatic glue at the top.

Now, you & I know we are not crazy for making 6 month, 18 month, 32 year leaps in our complaints, cause it's all the same THEME...to us. To them , we are sooo confusing. We are as we are, going back to primitive brain, due to what the needs were for survival. While our he-man was out chasing down that zebra,  we "stood barefooted in my own front yard with a baby on my hip" ( ala Gretchen Wilson), tend the fire so we would not freeze at night, watched the older children, tended the garden and kept and eye out for the not so friendly saber-toothed tiger looking to make our young his snack. We HAD to multi-task for survival of the species, just as they HAD to be singularly focused for the same goal. These hard wirings are tough to break. Studies have shown men who are stay at home dads start to develop multi-tasking connections.* Please remember my original disclaimer of gross generalizations, however truthful.

Our option, as I see it, is to appreciate what each does for the good of the species and work very hard to be understanding of what we are dealing with,  you do not expect a bowling ball not to sink when you put it in water. and COMMUNICATE.

On a + note: I am very Thankful my oldest son spontaneously cleared off the tablecloth and PUT IT IN THE WASHING MACHINE WITHOUT BEING ASKED> yes I am yelling, if it weren't so cold, I'd be on a roof top.

Side effects of riding in cars with boys

There was loads of advice when I was a new mom or even during my pregnancy,  Folic acid, stay away from the fish, be sure to allow people to help you when you get home form the hospital, it makes everyone feel good. My Gram offered "Eat chocolate. ( like I have to be told that) It will make you thirsty so you will drink more water and produce more milk" Gotta love my Grandma.  Or my personal fav from my Great Aunt Rita " Do not cross your legs when you are pregnant, the baby won't be able to breath" Love those Italian Women!

But no one, and I mean no one mentioned the loss of bladder control. I will admit I was a bit perturbed that peeing on yourself after the birth of your child was not in any of the " What to Expect" books. That it would be completely impossible to make it to the bathroom and get situated before my bladder let loose.  And that it would take weeks to return to a condition under which I dare leave the house, or ingest fluids. I had a sister-in-law that gave birth 6 weeks before I did that failed to mention it. But I had the backs of my other two sisters-in-law who gave birth 3 and 5 weeks after me. I told them. Someone should benefit from my lesson. My own Mom did not mention it! And she did this 6 times! I have since told every pregnant woman I see and to be certain I will not keep this information from my own daughters-in-laws.

So here I am, almost 16 years after learning that first vital lesson. And now I find myself older, having had 2 more children, & 16 years worth of gravitational pull. I am now as good as any of Pavlov's dogs. All I have to do is see a toilet, I am done. My body doesn't seem to care if my pants are on or off. Sitting is purely optional as well. All I need is the visual cue. God help me if I ever need to go to a plumbing supply store. I have taken to walking into the bathroom with my eyes shut until I am "ready".I don't even have to have the slightest awareness that I may need to take care of business in the next twenty minutes. I could have just TCB'd a few minutes earlier. It does not matter. Kegals be damned as well!  Good thing I work out of my house and my downstairs powder room doubles as the laundry room, that's all I am saying.

I know I am not alone, which is why I am saying this out loud. We are not alone, none of us. I have a friend who had her women's plumbing put in a sling, a hammock of sorts, to gently ride out the second half of her life with a little more support and a lot less leaking. I am thinking if they are making bladder hammocks, there is cause for it. Perhaps this too should be shared during that last prenatal visit, or the 6 week post delivery check-up. That there is hope. That there exists a sort of outdoor furniture that can be placed inside your body for comfort and ease. I'd have signed up right away, when I had insurance to cover it.

There's another well kept secret too, I recently found out about. When you are done having kids, and you know you are done. You can have a procedure that destroys the lining of your uterus and there by eliminating YOUR PERIOD. And it takes 90 seconds! 90 seconds- no period ever again! No pills- nothing! Amazing.

We should educated the sisterhood. Take out a billboard on I-84. Only no pictures of a toilet on it PLEASE! Anybody with me?

Teetering

Is anyone else teetering out there? I find myself lately suspicious of how good things are going. I know it's wrong. I actually have a certificate in how that is not the place to be. I'm neither here, nor now, which is were the joy and gratitude are present. I am teetering. Cause things are good, really good. So why am I feeling bad?
The kids rocked the first marking period. I mean unprecedented ROCKED it! My practice has never been better. I am surrounded by amazing women in my "Rent Tent", Mom's good, brother's, wives & offspring all good. Check Check Check.. And we are headed into my most Favorite time of the year. and yet
There's this nagging feeling with the teens, it's a bit of "what you see today may not be here tomorrow". All three boys are down in the man cave, two working on homework without one ounce of prompting from me, the third, homework finished, just returned from some good old fashioned leaf jumping with his neighborhood friend. I should be all "Ahhhhh". I want to be all " Ahhhhh" and yet.

Nanna & Poppop with Alex

I am in mourning, I keep forgetting. My gram, the largest single source of love in my life, passed away in January. And I keep forgetting, it still hurts. I still miss her, I'm still sad. And it's okay. I was worried, ever so cognisant of what loosing her here on earth meant to me, that I would feel this vacuum of love just leave me. Thankfully I didn't. I do feel her love with me, and I am still sad. I had to go on, we all have to go on. Strange how life doesn't stop when you want it to or think it ought to. I go through my days, building the practice. having my life and every once in a while when everything should be a major celebration ( they really rocked the marking period and I did so well last month I am off my graph chart for my practice) I can't seem to get there. And I realize, I am still sad and it's ok.
I know what she would say. I heard her talking to me last night while I was at her house, covering the windows for my mother. She said " That's good enough, Kitten, sit down and rest now" I was always Good Enough for her. How lucky was I to have had someone send me that message always? How I pray I am doing the same for the boys.
So I teeter, they are doing great, but will it continue? Have I given them what they need to keep going? Have I taken good enough care of myself? How do you do it parents of teens, how do you balance and let go  and be there all atthe same time?
I think I am going to pour some wine now.

My Red Tent

If you are a woman, The Red Tent by Anita Diamant is a must read. Just as " Are you there God, it's me Margaret?" spoke the universal language of girls confronted with their changing lives, The Red Tent speaks to our inner world, our strength , our sisterhood. It speaks to biblical times and the lives of women, how their own community provided support and strength when children were born or died, or due to a husband's betrayal. Women caring for women, much like we do today. It works.

I am fortunate enough to have many amazing women in my tent. Although biologically sister less, my sisters today provide comfort, strength, guidance and laughter ( and they never stole my favorite jeans in high school
or pulled my hair) I recently needed to activate my sister friends while I was in need. and without flinching, or eye rolling they were there, doing more than I had asked, naturally. Because that's what they do. I cannot thank them enough, but to be there in their tent when their time comes. And the time comes for all of us.

We are there for each other to comfort and console, to listen and laugh, to tell someone to put the big girl panties on, or to commiserate at the injustice of the system, the world, life. We love each other's kids, see the possibilities, motivate, encourage and cheer on. We bounce off ideas, situations, help with carpooling, medical advice, mirror advice, shopping. We bring meals, organize people, make things happen. That's what we do. We are women, we are life.

I am frequently faced with frustrated women in my practice who have not taken the time to develop their tent of women, who are angry at their husband's or boyfriends for not fulfilling the role. And we talk, cause that's what we women folk do, we talk about all the great things men do and who they are, and we talk about what they are not, namely, women. Their socialization process is very different from ours, and it serves as equally valuable a purpose, even if not convenient to our own.  So it is up to us to make sure we have women in our tent, and equally important that we are in, and useful in the tent of others.

I see it with my mom and her friends, most divorced or widowed, in the autumn of their lives. They makes plan to go to the city together, if someone is on an errand to an unfamiliar destination, she finds a side kick to go with her. They have monthly gatherings to check in and daily talks to weave the web of connection. I worry less about her because I know she has them, as I am sure my boys worry less about me because they know of my strong and stable network of amazing women who support me.

So thank you all, and you know who you are, for being there for me. For picking me up, for making me laugh, for feeding me and cleaning up around me, for caring for and about my boys. Thank you for your love.

Put your mask on first

She told me I looked great in everything, but bought herself nothing. She told me I could do anything, and then took over her boss' job at a fraction of the pay. She told me I was smart, strong and free, and she stayed trapped in an unhealthy relationship that not only damaged her, but her children as well. And as children do,  I followed her example of a woman's worth instead of absorbing her words as wishes for me. It took a crisis for me to learn this lesson.

"Put your mask on first", the flight attendant says, "before assisting others." As a young mother with three children on a flight I often smirked at this command. Like any woman in her right mind would make sure she was okay while her child struggled. And yet it is what we must do. In little ways, everyday.

But first, if you are like most women I know, you need to find out what "your mask" is.
 What brings you oxygen, life, joy?
What energizes you and makes it so you can return to your difficult and time consuming job of taking care of others?
Years ago, when I was training to be a therapist a speaker was brought in to a class for some comic relief, and to deliver a message. I always prefer my messages to be delivered with comic relief personally. I think they stick better. One of the things she told us was if we each made a list of ten things that nurtured us each day, and did them, we would never need therapy. My list has changed over the years as my life has changed, but I find I am in a better mood when I hit at least 8 out of my ten each day. They do not have to be big things, and they should be things you have some control over.

1. Look out the picture window in my bedroom, see the sunrise & thank God for it

Sunrise out that window-Room design- Linda Burhance
Paint- Adele Unger

2. Feel the softness of my pillowcases on my cheek

3. S-T-R-E-T-C-H

4. A mug of hot tea (several mugs, vats really)

5. Go for a walk

6. Talk to a few friends

7. Hug my boys *

8. Laugh out loud

9. Pet and baby talk my dogs

10. Do something from my to do list

11. Dance

12. Sing out loud

13. Connect with a family member

I have a few extra in case the weather doesn't cooperate with my sunrise or walking. I do these things everyday and they nourish me. Participating in these activities keeps me in the here & now. They keep me balance and available for those I love.

My mom did the best she could, and is now, possibly for the first time in her life, learning how to put her mask on first. I am grateful to her and proud to be her daughter. 

Now go, make your list of what nourishes you.  Then do them! :-)

Put your mask on first, so you can help your kids with theirs.

* By design, even with shared custody, there are only two days each month that I do not see them at some point during the day