These M & M's aren't good for you either 

So I understand I am "old", and just like parents of the 50's were concerned about Elvis and his gyrating pelvis, I have concern about my children and what they listen to. I played Raffi, and classical music in the background while they were growing up. When we wanted to rock out, the Wiggles were there for us to dance party to. "Hip Hop Noel" was a favorite from Disney at the holidays.

I have not liked, but have tolerated, to a point( three swear words and the son must be changed, sometimes we don't make it thru the first stanza) my very white, a little preppy, health conscious and academically responsible boys' affinity for Hip Hop & Rap. I even went so far as to take one of them & their friends to a concert. But what I heard yesterday just threw me over the edge. It did.

When the boys were young we often sang the duet of  Carly Simon & James Taylors' " Mocking Bird" when I was putting them to bed. It was fun, and a good memory. Some nights when we had more time we played a game where they would throw out a word and I would sing a song that had that word in it. That was pretty cool as well. Until, well #2, always a precocious child,one night he threw out  "Testicles" ( we were anatomy appropriate in my house no "gaslapogus", or "vajay jee" for us)  & I had to admit defeat. I knew of no song, nor did I ever care to know of a song, that contained the word testicles. it's not melodic

So we are driving yesterday and he puts on his rap crap and I hear the word "vagina"  in a song, yep, "Vagina"  Are you kidding me? There are not enough words in the English language to use we now have to use basic anatomy words for songs? Are we singing about ovaries yet? How about a pancreas?

What gets me more then this, is what does the future hold? The sexual innuendos of my youth : "Afternoon Delight" prove too cryptically challenging to figure out for today's youth? They have to have it spelled  out with directions of what to put where and details on how things work? What sounds to anticipate and where to leave your number as you leave? Am I being old?

And most importantly, What the heck are my grandchildren going to listen to?

On-line dating

The world of online dating is complicated when you are a therapist. I found this out shortly after I was divorced when one of my clients found my profile on a dating site and inboxed me through it to ask to change his appointment time. When you are supposed to be, at times, not much more than a reflecting mirror, the last thing I needed was to have my personal life, and lame attempts at explaining " What I am looking for in a partner", and all the goofiness profiles ask you to lay out there, read by someone who was coming in to pay me to hear his life's trauma. He now knew too much and the balance shift was uncomfortable. I enjoy being a little, a lot, anonymous with my clients. Two seperate worlds- works for me:-).

Then there was the experience of when I had stopped at a deli to grab a snack with my boys prior to dropping them at their dad's house. A man recognized me from the site. I did not used my name in it, but a profile Id, he assumed it was related to my real name and started calling for me across the deli. I did not respond because, well he wasn't calling my name. So he walked over and asked me about the site, and if I was who he thought I was. Mind you my three elementary aged kids are hip high around me. I told him I was, but I was not able to chat at that time as I had the kids & was getting a snack then dropping them off. He did not take the hint. He stood near me trying to talk about how weird it was "that we bumped into each other at this place", and we should really talk. Meanwhile my little cubs were wondering why they didn't have mom's attention & who this intrusive guy was. As I was paying for their snacks, he said, " Now say 'Thank you' to your mom boys". And still asked if we could get together .I am sure it was coming from a well meaning place. After I dropped off the kids I went home and took my profile down again. ick.

I was off the market for a while, but am back semi-looking. My good friend Sue found someone right after her last child got their driver's license, she said it could not have worked out any better. I have a feeling it will be that way for me too. It's way too complicated to mesh three teenaged boys with any other type of family, or maybe I just like how things are running here just fine. Besides Nick's has been after me to become a foster mom for an  infant, and I am seriously considering it. Now that's a date breaker for sure.
Perhaps I need a little more time just here, just us , just enough.

But Chemistry.com is free this weekend, and looking can't hurt.

My summer vacation???

So the boys were gone, then they were back, now they are gone again. Which is good cause, as the saying goes, I need a vacation from my vacation. 3 theme parks, camping & a white water rafting trip, AND I still saw clients. I am wiped out.
What I learned: One of our traditions has been to go to the Great Adventure Safari, I have pictures of the boys as toddlers, in matching safari print overalls ( yeah I was THAT mom). A few years ago, amidst protests from the youngest we went again, and saw a lioness stalk and kill a bird ( who gets to see that???) and this year, we were there early as we were going to the amusement park for the first time ever, and  watching animals does not get old. Go first thing in the am, before the heat makes them all lay down for comfort, they are up, we saw Kangaroos hopping, Rhino's policing traffic, bears eating. It was awesome.

I learned I can get thru anything ( like this) by couting. This was a 47 second-er.

My  kids & I are not the most coordinated paddlers in the world. There is a decent chance we would not have survived had we taken this trip as an outdoor adventure without help. While in the beginning of the trip, we were one of the rescue boats, pulling people & oars from the water, but then, our lack of coordination left us right by the sweep up boat most of the time, and eventually even he past us leaving the kayak sweeper to pull us off of several rocks. Ending with our entire boat flipping 30 feet off shore at the end of the trip. I almost cried, I worked really hard to not cry. Ok I cried while I was taking a shower in the camp a little later.

Just cause you are loud does not mean you are the boss. I knew this, what I learned was my middle son does not know this. It's a process I guess.

Group bulding activities does not always result in group building. But mom completely loosing it because there is no place to send someone who is misbehaving when you are on a boat and talking reason is not working, does buy 24 hours of " better" behavior.

Kids laugh about things much sooner than I think they are funny.The next morning at breakfast I was awake with the middle son, his BF and my oldest's GF. Over breakfast the middle, who attempted to run our boat with insults and yelling, was recapping what we did wrong the day before. I was ready to smack him with my pancake spatula, and the other teens just looked at him and laughed and said " Give it a rest already!" They laughed. I was still fuming. I needed to " give it a rest already" too. So I did.

And now, I have a week of rest before our next adventure begins. AHHHHHH!

Life is what you make it- Life is good

"My life is my own making." My old friend states full of remorse. Not immediately picking up on his affect ( Yes, I DO take off the therapist hat sometimes) I responded, " Yeah aren't they all?" smiling. He was patient with me, he cares  for me. " Yes", he responded, "and one day we look and say well do I like what I've created or don't I?" He is not happy, but as I look back in my mind, he was never what I would call "happy". It's been 30 years since I have seen him, funny how things do not change.

I have been accused of being happy too easily, well teased is more like it. And here I lay, on my clean, awesome smelling sheets, 3 hours before my boys & their entourages are due home after being away for over a week, 2 sessions in front of me and I am, as I often am, happy. My life is far from perfect, and at the same time, I am very blessed.

As old friends do, we talked of hopes, dreams, desires and how it turned out VS how we hoped it would. He is absolutely correct in saying to me, in 2001 I would never have dreamed of sitting at Meckaur Park on July 1 2011, divorced, with my own business, navigating the dating world and chatting with him. His point was not the beauty of life though. He is filled with regret and anger.I told him , hearing him speak, I was feeling sad, and he admonished me not to feel sad for him. He's right. That's disrespectful. He has made this life. Lessons to learn abound.

Earlier this week I had a talk with my brother about a book idea. All the things we all say we want to do but cannot due to time, money, obligations; what if it were possible? What if time stood still and no ones needs were going to go unmet, what would you do? It was fun to think about. It was gratifying to realize I want the life I have, yes I have dreams. My heart has hope for a great love and moving to the beach. Neither could be accomplished in stopping time for a day or even a few days. But while I tend to the every day things that make me happy, I am hopeful that the rest will take care of itself.

Thank you!

91 more post reads and I will be at 5000. Not ever a real goal, just kind of cool, and have I mentioned?, my mom has NEVER read my blog. So she is not even stuffing the numbers with her friends!

I started this for a few reasons. most of which remain in tact today, which brings up a point. Every once in a while I like to evaluate " Why am I doing this?' " Is it still relevant?" " Do I still enjoy it?" ( Thus the pictures and scrapbook material spread across my dining room table, it has become a chore). I like to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I take my cue from Mother Nature.

Look how our bodies work, when working right. Take the good out of our food, get rid of what we don't need. And if we don't give ourselves enough, we suffer, and if we take more than we need, well, there's a system in place to let that be known as well. :-)
And how her great wind storms help clear the deadened branches from tress and make room for new.
It's a good system, and it works.
I like to do this with the family as well. Check the systems we have in place, are they working? what was their purpose? Do they need to be adjusted? One of the beautiful parts of this is including the boys' experiences in the conversation. Of course I am always in conflict with the youngest over my methods of discipline (see my post on Feedback), but on other ways, I want the boys' to know their opinions are important, all the while maintaining my truth of knowing more than they do about the world, and the "rammy" adolescent male brain.
I digress- Thank you, those who read, those who respond, those who tell me they read privately, those who find my posts worthy to pass on to others. I am honored and flattered- And this is still working.Thank you

Launching

Imagine the amount of energy used to launch the Space Shuttle into orbit. Past the gravitational pull of the earth, free to fly it's mission. I would not want to be under that thing, see all the fire? and yet...

Imagine the amount of energy used to launch a child out into their lives. Past the gravitational pull of their family, free to fly their own course. A woman I truly see as one of the best mothers I know came to me when her oldest daughter was entering her senior year of high school, in tears. Her heart was heavy with the knowledge that it was the last real summer as a whole family, and except for fortunate times ahead, counting on being together, was over. When we spoke in May she had a very different attitude, more like, " Here's your hat, don't let the door hit you on the way out!" Mother Nature provides for us a shift so we can let them go, it gets harder to live together. They lunge for their freedom, we miss what has been lost. Conflicting needs, desires and viewpoints abound.

As the Aunt of 13 I am in a position to view this several times before living it fully. Although I am quite aware of the torturous process of the slow death of childhood in my own home, I have a 19 year old niece who is on the launching pad and the countdown has begun. There were some problems with the initial launch, which is why she is still on the pad a few months before her 20th birthday. And according to my brother, it is all very painful. Now we can choose to stay in the moment and argue about cleaning rooms and stealing clothes from siblings and curfews, or we can acknowledged what is really happening. She is leaving, as children are supposed to do, and it hurts. It is far easier and more distracting to stay focused on the daily irritations, but I think we all miss out on something if we do that. She is leaving, and it hurts. It hurts us both, the pushing off of and pulling away from the gravitational pull of the family. Neither side in unscathed. But we can make it easier on both sides if we take the time to acknowledge our children a gift that life has given us. We were only promised that gift for a time period, and then the gift has to take what we gave it and go, and become. And if we are lucky, they will want to return to visit from time to time.

It is our job to make sure the launching pad is in good shape, without chunks missing so as to delay launch.
We need to make sure we are capable to do our job and be a solid force for them to push off of, just as they leaned against us when that was required.

I know Alex is on the blocks being driven to the launch site. I am thankful to have the two short years in front of me to look for last minute tweaking double check all systems ready, and enjoy him. I know those years will be marked only by moments of togetherness just like the check lists for the final count down. I look forward to our vacations together as the time approached where Spring Break will take the place of April vacations. I hope and pray I have done all I can do to create a launch pad for him to push off of, knowing that push will be more painful than the first pushes that gave him life. Already the contractions are "You are too tight on me", he said. "What do you mean?", I  inquiry. He almost never hears no to any request because he does all I could ever ask of him. He sleeps out most weekends, both nights, goes to parties, has already kissed the garage with my car and basically runs his own life ( brilliantly I might add).      " It's just a feeling" he says. And to myself I say "And you are too far away...:-( " But that's what is supposed to happen.

In the meanwhile, I am going to invest in a fire retardant suit.  Oh wait, I already have one, my dreams,my plans for the future are what I am wrapped in while each child pushes off of me. Get your launch pad ready folks, like it or not, they are going.

Mantras

I deal with them all the time. So many of us run our lives by unaware mantras softly whispered in the back of our minds. So softly that we often can't hear them until faced with the silence of a therapist's office.  I am an escavator of those mantras, introjects as we call them in my field. Thoughts so firmly and deeply planted in our minds they form how we approach life. " I am worthless", " I don't count", " I am unlovable". I am on my current soapbox after just hanging up with a woman friend of mine. Great woman, well educated, beautiful, funny as all get out, loving mom. And she forgot.

She forgot all that she is. A bump in a relationship left her shroud in self doubt and feeling ugly and worthless. A bump. In a relationship hardly out of it's embriotic phase. We women need a swift kick in the arse sometimes. So we talked, & I got tough, (who lil' o me?). She said she needed to know where the relationship was at, he hasn't been as attentive the past few days as he was before she revealed something a little vulnerable about herself. He also told her he was heading into a very busy time with work and finishing up his post secondary education this week. I told her she was being a " girl". Groan ! we tend to get off balance too easily, look too much for their response to us,( forget we are also in a position of choosing) , think we must have done something wrong ( illussion of control) and frequently look for the meta message as opposed to taking a man at his word. "he was heading into a very busy time with work and finishing up his post secondary education this week."
 " But I need to know" she cried. So I got really tough- " All you need to know, all that all of us need to know,  all we can know, is we can handle whatever comes our way." There are no assurances in life, anyone we love may/ will disappoint us, betray us, leave us. But we can handle it. We are enough.

Physician heal thyself. And I have come along way. Leaving an abusive relationship, ( took years) picking myself up off the ground after loosing a huge love (again took years), wrestled with self doubt. Good thing life is a marathon, and not a sprint. Plenty of time to learn the lessons put in front of us and reap the benefits of peace and contentment. Yep that's it Peace & Contenment. No awards, financial gains, or infamy. It's really rather undramatic.

I expect I will take another turn around the self -doubt bend again before my life is over. But for now, I am firmly planted, I am enough, and so are you.

Parenting- not for wimps

I went to a parent seminar today, and ran into a high school friend. She admonished me immediately,  "Parenting sucks  why didn't you warn me!". I tried to be supportive, " yes it's hard" I said.
"No", she replied," It sucks., You told me giving birth was hard you didn't tell me parenting sucks!"

I had apparently called her ( my memory is what sucks) a week before she gave birth to her first and told her everything no one told me about giving birth.  But I know I have often said, "There is more opportunity for joy per minute from 0-6 yrs old than anytime thereafter", I reminded her of this, she said I never told her. I told her I was probably busy savoring the joy with my kids. LOL  But yep, now that hers' are a teen and pre-teen and mine are all teens, ( in 9 days) parenting is hard. Really HARD.

Luckily my scolding was cut short by the speaker. John Hamilton LMFT ( Like me yeah!) spoke about a whole host of parenting concepts, not the least of which is it is not about US. US as in the adults. Parenting is about our kids. He even gave us questions, a report card of sorts to ask our kids. ( more about that later) He  did say, "Suck it up, grown up, act like an adult and do what you are supposed to do. Be there for your kid, have their backs," and teach them how to be functional adults.  He did not say this should be fun for you ( that was those first 6 years,I swear) . As a matter of fact what he described sounded exhausting. Pay attention to our non-verbal as well as verbal messages, keep your emotions in check, don't over react, accept them where they are at, know when to get involved, when to let go, listen to them, allow them room to be who they are without our expectations weighing them down. Hold them accountable, lovingly. Be a positive role model for them and their friends. Get involved, but not overly  involved. You got to be a teenager once, now it is their turn. Catch them being good, let them know you caught them, be realistic, support them WHEW!!!!!

I got so much good info, ways of saying things, out of his lecture, that I cannot wait to share. Stay tuned!
And put the big girl panties on cause this mom thing, it is not for sissies.

Dates 7 8 & 9

Ehhh     Ugh    and      Hmmmm

Basically a shy person here, so the challenge handed to me by my friend Tina, to date 20 different men this year is a great way to break out of the comfort coziness of my contented life. The challenge has focused me in a rare way I have not experienced in my single life.

#7 was very nice, really easy to talk to, 90 minutes went by in a flash, but  I don't know...

#8 is much easier to talk about, cause it was like being in a science fiction movie, or SNL skit. He claimed to have been only 46. His face was as leathery as a horse saddle, and the wrinkles were deep and long. If he was a cowboy I would have believed his claim, but he worked in an office for 28 years, or so he said. If they lie about their age, what else? He claimed to be retired due to solid investments and was spending his time figuring out what he wanted to do, which is cool I guess, I just can't relate. Then he pulled out the eye drops, in front of me    at the     table.
Not having contacts, I don't know if it's normal behavior. I was not digging him pulling his eyelids apart. But I stayed and chatted, trying to see if there was something. That's when he launched into his ex. I don't even rememberhow it started, but experience has told me, not good first date info. He was animated about the questions he still had for her; how long was she with the other guy before she told him, what had he done so wrong, how hard it is to be in the same room with her, etc. They've been divorced 15 years. Check please! I made a deal with myself that when meeting a man starts to feel like a therapy session, I would go, so I did.

I woke up to an equally long winded email from him about all the possible reasons I may have ended the date. He wasn't looking for my input as much as going on yet another rant. Thank God for delete buttons. I should have just told him to get therapy, still or again, but dating was something he is clearly not yet ready for, but I didn't. Just pressed DELETE. Ahhhhh

#9 was a nice surprise. 2 hour notice, quick stop at a coffee shop and it was enjoyable. Really enjoyable. So we shall see. I was told even if I meet a real good one, I have to keep on dating. I am psyched to be almost half way done with the challenge so soon! Onward and upward  or at least sideways.

Taxi Log Sat Feb 26th

7 am - see first client
8 am - make N breakfast  drive to NYA for 9 am game
9 am- second client
10 am - wake other two, feed and drive to NYA for work outs
spend next 90 minutes running errands in car
12:00- pick up freshly sweating teens and take to posh Panara eatery while they fight the whole way there, getting #3 so upset he refuses to come in to eat with us until I tempt him with some mac & cheese lunch.

12:45 return home- throw laundry in
want desperately to lie down to sleep...
1:45  bring only gainfully employed child to job, pay a ridiculous amount of money to fill up the car with gas and return home

2:30...sneak in a little nap while #3 excitedly writes master piece story of an epic battle between pens & pencils.

4 pm... pick up gainfully employed child who asks to be returned to NYA to hang out with his crew, and asks for some money for food, while he tucks his earnings in the glove box.

Drop irresistibly brilliant child off at NYA -return home. Help #3 edit his masterpiece ( me help edit, now that's funny)

Start dinner for other children and field a request from #2 about dropping him off in SANDY HOOK ( might as well be Cape Cod) at 10 pm that evening after his buddy is done with his sporting events. I think I started to cry.

5:10- NYA- pick up #1 bring him to Middle School for his next game.
6:30 #1's friends have shown up at NMS, discusses evening plans. They are sleeping somewhere, maybe going to a movie.( Quite loosey goosey for young men without licenses). Bring #1 home for shower & nutritious dinner of 2 PB&J's - found out #2 is content to stay in for the evening with neighborhood friend ( yeah for neighborhoods!)
7:15 back to NYA so can catch up with his crew, who have yet to decide where they will be laying down their heads.

8 pm- pellet stove empty, only place to get pellets is over-priced local grocery store. While out I contact #1, who has now ascertained a sleeping dwelling, and better yet, one he is willing to walk to. A big part of me said, "Go pick up those boys, it's a busy road, and they are not wearing proper reflective clothing".
I told her to "just shut up" and went home.

Navigating the curves

We all know it, when we give birth to these beautiful creatures, that they eventually grow into the sexual beings capable themselves of giving birth. We know it, but we don't like to think about it. Just as they get grossed out thinking about what we did to create them. As much as I hope each of my sons have a fulfilling and healthy sex life (and gives me granddaughters :-) ) It has come to my attention that it is time to step up the Driver's Ed on navigating the curves ( otherwise known as girls). But with it comes many a question.

I have, for a long time, held a simple belief about adolescence. It was shared with me by a fellow mental health clinician, who himself had four of these youths at the time. He said, " I tell them I completely trust them and their judgement until they do something that makes me get involved in their lives. Then I will take whatever steps needed to keep them safe so they can go forward again, without me involved." I liked it. It's simple and straight forward. Obvious I trust you to go to parties, until I find out you are puking your brains out in the bathroom, then we reassess. You can use the car, until you get a ticket, reassess. So as long as they remain "successful" , at either keeping their mischief from me( as we did with our parents) or in doing what's right, they continue to get room to grow.

In our day, we could go to a party and play spin the bottle, or suffer through "7 minutes in Heaven" and our parents were none the wiser. We could for the most part, experiment with our sexuality, learn about our bodies, practice being sexual beings, innocently and without our parents knowing about it. And they didn't need to know about it, usually. It now it seems that things are at once both slower and faster. My sons' are not at boy-girl parties on a regular basis, and to my knowledge no one has shown up drunk to the last day of school in 8th grade ( Can you believe that? And in Bethel in 1980?) We have kept them busy enough, sequestered enough.


Then there was Facebook. Now a days our all-to-anxious-to-write about it kids share intimate details on the public forum, leading me to the question, "When now do we get involved?" When a friend tells us what's on her son's FB stream? Is that reason enough?
 I recently learned, for some, oral sex is now "3rd Base". As I recall, oral sex wasn't even on the playing field 30 years ago ( oh God did I just do that math correctly?). yep, that sucks.About that math I mean.
I'm cracking myself up here. sorry. Back to the subject.

I am fairly confident my boys' are still relatively innocent. Notice all the uncertainty in my word choice. They are really not given much opportunity to have alone time with a girl, that I am certain of.  What I am hearing is the change seems to be in the girls' ( no one specific) eagerness, willingness to almost be used by boys. Is this the backlash to feminism? So we need to thank Snookie? We are owning our own sexuality at 13? And are willing to give BJ's to anyone? I know there were girls, troubled girls, like this then. It seems now it is more the norm. So as a mom, with new information I would not have had 30 yrs ago as a parent, what do I do?
I know what I would do if I had a daughter, that daughter specifically who is so willing to have her value debased. But I don't. I have testosterone pumping boys. The ones you used to have to watch out for.

And because of Facebook, I now have information my parents would not have had and therefore feel I am required to act. But my kids didn't do anything. So am I?
 So we talk. We talk about sex, and respect, and their plans for their futures. We talk about unfortunate girls who give themselves over for the wrong reasons( there is NO right reason at 13, 14, 15, 16...!) We talk about responsibility and self-control. Feelings, and frustrations. Relationships and communication.We talk about diseases and my unwillingness to raise another child. We use our slogan "Sex can wait, masturbate". And I keep them busy. And in groups with other boys.
They are not doing anything "wrong". But life altering things happen. I have a friend who was date raped at 15 by one of our other "friends", another with a pregnancy scare at 14. One of my ex-boyfriends became a father at 17 & and some girls had abortions & we were the "good kids".
 I know my arsenal is mostly full of stalling techniques. But isn't that the best we can do for something that is inevitable? That, and educate them on navigating the curves.

Put your mask on first

She told me I looked great in everything, but bought herself nothing. She told me I could do anything, and then took over her boss' job at a fraction of the pay. She told me I was smart, strong and free, and she stayed trapped in an unhealthy relationship that not only damaged her, but her children as well. And as children do,  I followed her example of a woman's worth instead of absorbing her words as wishes for me. It took a crisis for me to learn this lesson.

"Put your mask on first", the flight attendant says, "before assisting others." As a young mother with three children on a flight I often smirked at this command. Like any woman in her right mind would make sure she was okay while her child struggled. And yet it is what we must do. In little ways, everyday.

But first, if you are like most women I know, you need to find out what "your mask" is.
 What brings you oxygen, life, joy?
What energizes you and makes it so you can return to your difficult and time consuming job of taking care of others?
Years ago, when I was training to be a therapist a speaker was brought in to a class for some comic relief, and to deliver a message. I always prefer my messages to be delivered with comic relief personally. I think they stick better. One of the things she told us was if we each made a list of ten things that nurtured us each day, and did them, we would never need therapy. My list has changed over the years as my life has changed, but I find I am in a better mood when I hit at least 8 out of my ten each day. They do not have to be big things, and they should be things you have some control over.

1. Look out the picture window in my bedroom, see the sunrise & thank God for it

Sunrise out that window-Room design- Linda Burhance
Paint- Adele Unger

2. Feel the softness of my pillowcases on my cheek

3. S-T-R-E-T-C-H

4. A mug of hot tea (several mugs, vats really)

5. Go for a walk

6. Talk to a few friends

7. Hug my boys *

8. Laugh out loud

9. Pet and baby talk my dogs

10. Do something from my to do list

11. Dance

12. Sing out loud

13. Connect with a family member

I have a few extra in case the weather doesn't cooperate with my sunrise or walking. I do these things everyday and they nourish me. Participating in these activities keeps me in the here & now. They keep me balance and available for those I love.

My mom did the best she could, and is now, possibly for the first time in her life, learning how to put her mask on first. I am grateful to her and proud to be her daughter. 

Now go, make your list of what nourishes you.  Then do them! :-)

Put your mask on first, so you can help your kids with theirs.

* By design, even with shared custody, there are only two days each month that I do not see them at some point during the day