Imagine

I spoke to another therapist this morning, an old supervisee. She needed confirmation of the hours I spent supervising her (I was supposed to keep that?) Luckily she has that. We commiserated about parenting teens. Her daughter was just entering what we referred to as " the dark ages" and she was blown away when I told her I have the three all in the midst. We talked about how thankless the job is, how lonely it can feel, especially when you are a single mom, how emotionally painful it truly can be. And mostly we laughed at the insanity of it all.

About how asking my son one simply question results in a screaming " Why are you interrogating me?"
Or when a slight adjustment in my tone is met with "You don't have to freak out about it mom!" or
"Mom's freaking out about it"- they like saying that-collectively as if we are at war & I am the crazy one.
Luckily,? Nick has seen me in all out freak-out mode,  Once- I opened a can of Costco sized Whoop Ass on him, and it had as much potency as can of Redi-whip. But it does serve as a marker, so when I am accused of  '"Freaking Out" I can just turn to Nick, who lowers his head, or smirks and says, " Nope, um, no that is NOT her freaking out." & I feel validated by that, in a strange way.

So my friend shared how she would pay a taxi to take her daughter to the airport rather then endure the 30 minutes of berating and character assassination her daughter liked to load on her during car rides.

She told me of the moment she "knew". She was in the shower & her daughter stormed in the bathroom waving a shirt & screaming about it having been discolored in the wash. She informed her daughter of the obvious " Well I am taking a shower right now and we will discuss this when I am done in a few minutes."

When she went down the hall, dry and dressed, to speak with her daughter, her daughter was singing and dancing around the room, and greeted her with a cheerful " Hi mom". It was at this moment, she knew she wasn't in Kansas anymore.
I remember my moment also, I recall walking into MY office, while Alex was working on MY computer and asking him a question about his plans. I was met with the Teenage Anthem for the first time. " Mom, it's my life, back off". I believe he was 13 at the time also. I have to say, I covered my mouth so he would not see the smile. I know that is NOT the appropriate reaction for the Teen Declaration of Independence. but it was my first time, & I was naively excited for my overly obedient child to develop some chops.

She asked me how I get through it. I gave props to my Red Tent crew. I have the oldest kids of us all, so mostly they just nod and coo at my pain and suffering. The know their turn is coming. What I like best is how non-judgemental they are, and how when I am referring to my kids in less than favorable terms, they laugh and say, " I wonder what they would think if they knew you called them that." Especially me who, in my friend group, is the Mary Poppins of swears. It's the laughing that's the best part. The laughing that gets me through.
Like this morning, when I mentioned to Alex I was starting a detox program next week. And he said, "Oh are you getting rid of all the wrinkles in your face?" and you know I didn't even throw something at him, so I say "Yeah me." and laugh- he was thinking Botox, so that's good, I guess.

Sleep-overs & couples therapy

It's not what you think. Me & 4 boys in my basement.
Wait that's not sounding right.
So I'm walking down the stairs to do a check on the 4 teens hanging out in my basement, when I am stopped on the stairs. " So Cat, ( I prefer that to Mrs Roche, who is my ex mother in-law, and not who I am at all) how do you break up with a girl?"

"Why do you ask?" I inquire.

"Mom. your calves are huge"- thanks Nick, I know, a genetic mutation, my calves are as huge as my brother's. No skinny jeans ( not that my hips cooperate with that anyway) or tall boots. Anyway, I digress.

Then I worked hard that hour, coaching on text responses, insisting of break ups being over the phone, if in person is not possible. Asking them to refrainn from the initial juvemile responses they had to the bait from the girls. It's fascinating watching them struggle through creating appropriate boundaries, trying to own their own emotions and weigh that against fear and potential.

" It just ends sometimes right?",one asks me." You can just not feel the same about someone"

"Yes" I say with more weight than I wished to convey. I recover quickly with a " At your age you are growing and changing and it makes sense to want to see who you are with different people."

When the texts got personal, blaming my son for ruining relationships he had nothing to do with, I needed to show the utmost appropriate response. " I would not even response do that dumb-ass( my new favorite word- sad I know) statement. How do you even talk to her?" ok so I got a little heated. But that was my baby she was bad-mouthing. 
And I stand by- sometimes no response is the best response. Sad to say it took me years to learn that one.

An hour and a half later, fielding many adolescent questions and coaching through much confusion over the females responses. I went to bed.

In the future, I may start asking my son/s friends for copies of their insurance cards before they sleep-over.

Crazy- like a fox

I took 9 boys to 6 Flags  New England this past weekend. The parents called me "crazy", they said I was " Soooo nice",or " Nuts".
One of my many little secrets, is, I am crazy, like a fox. What looks like a huge endeavor to the naked eye is a well planned cover for an experienced parenting agenda. I learned years ago, my kids require far less management when they each have a playmate, truly, the more the merrier. It costs in a few extra snacks & drinks, but that's what Costco is for after all. And the price for peace? Nothing really.
The boys & I got season passes at a discounted rate last year- paid for already 2 times over.
I had discount tickets agreement for my au pairs that I used for these kids, so I honestly even made out in gaining points with my credit card company, for money I did not even spend. - awesome.
It was the last Saturday I can plan something with them until July, with finals coming up.
It did cost me 140 miles worth of gas, so say $20?
Plus I was able to buy gas in Mass, which as we all know, is remarkably cheaper than CT gas, so I actually almost saved money, somehow in my money logic game.

The boys have a great time.
 I look like the hero for allowing them to bring their friends to a somewhat rare event, and I get to enjoy watching them with their friends, hearing them all sing in the car (one of my favorite things) eating lunch with them, having a few casual chats and mostly lounging by a pool.
Yep, lounging by a pool. And reading Victor Frankel's " Man's Search for Meaning" from cover to cover. It was on my summer's to do list. Am I crazy?? Really? LOL.  When is the last time you have time you had 4 hours to read a book while on a lounge chair on a sunny Saturday afternoon?

Had we stayed home, I can guarantee I would have done a lot more driving, a million times more refereeing and had no where near the amount of uninterrupted reading time. For years our weekends were brief stops at the house made in between baseball games. Next year Alex will be driving and I imagine MIA most weekends between work & friends.

So if your child is included in one of my crazy gaggle of boy plans, remember, I make out very well in these situations. Thank you for helping me.

The end of an era

I knew it would happen. I told his brothers it would happen, although that did not lesson the teasing or taunting as I had hoped. Gone forever,  I fear, is the carefree just "being" of little boys. You know, when brushing your teeth or wearing matching clothes are just not on the radar. Moving, being out in the sunshine, climbing trees or conquering mythical creations are by far more important that how one looks to others.There is actually no awareness of how one looks to others. Michael was my only child who truly encapsulated all that was wonderful and innocent about boyhood wonder in this way. #1 was too busy, well, being a first born, to allow himself such freedom. #2 was always WAAAAYYY to into the tender gender to allow himself to relax on his appearance. He was a metro sexual before the word was invented.

Meantime Michael could wear the same clothes for days on end, if I let him, or never brush his teeth, again, if I let him. He did not care that we could smell his breath across the table, or that his peers might have a problem with it. He was ok with rust colored shorts and a red or orange shirt. He was ok with one pair of socks worn for a week straight, or not brushing his hair & I loved all of that about him. His brothers didn't. Far to aware of the social rules or their own self-imposed hygiene mandates, Micheal's casual neglect of all things hygienic was a constant source of battle with them. In part because they felt it reflected badly upon them. " When's the last time you took a shower?", " Mom, he wore those shorts yesterday!", " My God your breathe is disgusting". While I hated the teasing, or pleading for change, I told them it would happen, in his time, not theirs. I silently applauded him for not being swayed by their pressure.

Last night- ten p.m.- I had to tell him to put down the toothbrush & go to bed. He had been at it for a while, coming to my bedside breathing on me to have a breathe check. Scraping, flossing and brushing, then checking again. I though maybe it was due to the dentist today, then this morning, before school, not only did he have ALL new clothes in, he wet down his hair and brushed it.

I think there's a girl in the picture... "and so it goes, and so it goes. And so will you soon I supposed."

Momma said there'd be days like these

So as I was looking for my diamond studs, yeah you read that right, I am looking for my diamond studs. Usually they are found in my ear lobs.They are there not because I don't have a lot of choices in earrings, I wear them everyday so I DON"T LOSE THEM. But dating machine that I am, I have recently been switching them out to some of my other pairs, and par for the course, have misplaced my DIAMOND STUDS.  But I digress-

I found a birthday card, in my hunt, I found a birthday card, a 21st birthday card to be exact from my Janie. My Janie is the one who has had the bad day. Yes worse than not finding the studs. Janie's family is going through some tough stuff not unusual for an American family in these times. It is stressful and exhausting, and distracting. And in her distraction this morning, as she was trying to plan ahead and run back in the house to grab a banana, she forgot to put the car in park. When she realized it, it was just in time to see it scrape across the side of the house, severing several utilities, and doing a number on the car as well.

Jane called me almost immediately to tell me her woe. I recounted to her the many car accidents I was in during the years I was trying to decide about the viability of my marriage ( yep years). 3 to be exact, three accidents. One with the garage door. Stress takes a toll on us, no doubt.

Jane's a woman of humor and quickly worked to find humor in the situation. I got a text from her in the afternoon with estimate of the repair for the car only. She said it was a $1950 banana. I replied " Ape Shit"
I'm pretty sure she smile.
Momma said there'd be days like this. We all need our Red Tent Crew to get us through

Fair is fair

One of the corner stones of my parenting philosophy and therapy practice is, I do not expect more from those around me than I ask of myself. To that end, one of the rules in our house is the kids cannot swear if I'm not, and I usually don't ( in front of them anyway). But if I mess up, and I have been know to on occasion, then they can say whatever swear I said, the same amount of times I said it, without repercussions. This got me in trouble a bit when I would be singing along with some of the country songs. " Mom , you just sang " hell" now I get to say it.  " I would smile sweetly and say, " Yeah, you just did, we are even". They got wise and would just not mention it, and count them up and at times use them all at once.
It was a little cute. My oldest son often criticizes my parenting by complaining, "We are like the only kids I know who do not swear."  Still trying to see how that's a bad thing. We talk about verbal integrity and being clear with what you mean. When a study came out saying swearing when you hurt yourself, like stub your toe, actually reduces pain, they were granted permission to swear in those times. Another criticism from my first born, "You are always reciting studies, I don't care what the studies say". Ah the downside of being born to a mental health professional. Poor kid.

But now I have to take some responsibility for something. I do expect more of them than I myself give, and it needs to stop. I have been trying since January to loose the weight I have been carrying around for 5 years now. Some is gone, but I am still far from my goal. Did I say I had been trying? Well yes, whenever I am not eating chocolate, I am trying. I walk fast several times a week. I eat healthy 80% of the time, and then I get bored, or frustrated and I eat sugar. It occurred to me last night, after some pretty devastating sights in a dressing room mirror, that I cannot expect my children to avoid drugs if I am not willing to avoid the most common one.

being above the influence means different things to different people

Sugar. Studies ( there I said it again) show the addictive quality of it, and yet I ignore that and give into the temptation when times are a little tough. Isn't that what alcoholics & drug addicts do? Use their drug to cope with tough emotions? And, like an addict, I am incapable of moderation. It's not one piece. it's many. I may not even be hungry, and once I start, the sugar makes me crave more. Diabetes runs in my family. You'd think that also would motivate me. But I need to return to my philosophy, which to date has worked out really well. I am holding myself accountable now and going forward, to be a better mom, I need to walk the talk.   And now I have to go walk my walk. Happy Easter Everyone!

Mantras

I deal with them all the time. So many of us run our lives by unaware mantras softly whispered in the back of our minds. So softly that we often can't hear them until faced with the silence of a therapist's office.  I am an escavator of those mantras, introjects as we call them in my field. Thoughts so firmly and deeply planted in our minds they form how we approach life. " I am worthless", " I don't count", " I am unlovable". I am on my current soapbox after just hanging up with a woman friend of mine. Great woman, well educated, beautiful, funny as all get out, loving mom. And she forgot.

She forgot all that she is. A bump in a relationship left her shroud in self doubt and feeling ugly and worthless. A bump. In a relationship hardly out of it's embriotic phase. We women need a swift kick in the arse sometimes. So we talked, & I got tough, (who lil' o me?). She said she needed to know where the relationship was at, he hasn't been as attentive the past few days as he was before she revealed something a little vulnerable about herself. He also told her he was heading into a very busy time with work and finishing up his post secondary education this week. I told her she was being a " girl". Groan ! we tend to get off balance too easily, look too much for their response to us,( forget we are also in a position of choosing) , think we must have done something wrong ( illussion of control) and frequently look for the meta message as opposed to taking a man at his word. "he was heading into a very busy time with work and finishing up his post secondary education this week."
 " But I need to know" she cried. So I got really tough- " All you need to know, all that all of us need to know,  all we can know, is we can handle whatever comes our way." There are no assurances in life, anyone we love may/ will disappoint us, betray us, leave us. But we can handle it. We are enough.

Physician heal thyself. And I have come along way. Leaving an abusive relationship, ( took years) picking myself up off the ground after loosing a huge love (again took years), wrestled with self doubt. Good thing life is a marathon, and not a sprint. Plenty of time to learn the lessons put in front of us and reap the benefits of peace and contentment. Yep that's it Peace & Contenment. No awards, financial gains, or infamy. It's really rather undramatic.

I expect I will take another turn around the self -doubt bend again before my life is over. But for now, I am firmly planted, I am enough, and so are you.

Dates 7 8 & 9

Ehhh     Ugh    and      Hmmmm

Basically a shy person here, so the challenge handed to me by my friend Tina, to date 20 different men this year is a great way to break out of the comfort coziness of my contented life. The challenge has focused me in a rare way I have not experienced in my single life.

#7 was very nice, really easy to talk to, 90 minutes went by in a flash, but  I don't know...

#8 is much easier to talk about, cause it was like being in a science fiction movie, or SNL skit. He claimed to have been only 46. His face was as leathery as a horse saddle, and the wrinkles were deep and long. If he was a cowboy I would have believed his claim, but he worked in an office for 28 years, or so he said. If they lie about their age, what else? He claimed to be retired due to solid investments and was spending his time figuring out what he wanted to do, which is cool I guess, I just can't relate. Then he pulled out the eye drops, in front of me    at the     table.
Not having contacts, I don't know if it's normal behavior. I was not digging him pulling his eyelids apart. But I stayed and chatted, trying to see if there was something. That's when he launched into his ex. I don't even rememberhow it started, but experience has told me, not good first date info. He was animated about the questions he still had for her; how long was she with the other guy before she told him, what had he done so wrong, how hard it is to be in the same room with her, etc. They've been divorced 15 years. Check please! I made a deal with myself that when meeting a man starts to feel like a therapy session, I would go, so I did.

I woke up to an equally long winded email from him about all the possible reasons I may have ended the date. He wasn't looking for my input as much as going on yet another rant. Thank God for delete buttons. I should have just told him to get therapy, still or again, but dating was something he is clearly not yet ready for, but I didn't. Just pressed DELETE. Ahhhhh

#9 was a nice surprise. 2 hour notice, quick stop at a coffee shop and it was enjoyable. Really enjoyable. So we shall see. I was told even if I meet a real good one, I have to keep on dating. I am psyched to be almost half way done with the challenge so soon! Onward and upward  or at least sideways.

The new rebellion

Let me start by saying I appreciate what I have. Three healthy amazing boys, almost all teenagers ( a few weeks for the youngest) and being so it is natural for them to rebel, but I never expected this. As a therapist I always had a concern in the back of my head that their rebellion would be something very public and poor behaviorish ( I write this knowing I'm not out the woods yet by any stretch). I'm prepared for that. Understanding the reasons they need to exercise their differentiation from the family helps ease the blow. Plus I had some excellent guidance.

My supervisor in my MFT program saw her 9 kids thru adolescents. By the last two she had it figured out. She knew there had to be something for them to push up against.,needed to exasperate you and get you bent out of shape. What self respecting teen doesn't want to see their parent on the brink? So what she did was create something to make an issue out of. For the two girls it was leaving brushes in the kitchen. While it might be annoying, she took it to the nth degree just so the girls knew they were satisfying their need to stick it to mom. I have families all the time, so willing to accept everything about their teen for fear of alienating them with disapproval, that the kid has to go to near life threatening measures before the parents stand up and clearly say "NO". They need us to push back, they want us to.

So here's my dilemma. I brought my kids up purposefully not denying them of sweets or junk food. We didn't over do, but it was around. I wanted them to learn how to balance choices, and not covet it when they were allowed to pick their own foods as I did. (Check the last post for my financial references.) Sleepovers always included a tray of brownies. Their friends stop by when my kids aren't here, just to raid my pantry.

So here's the deal. #1 is newly into only health food. Damn it. It's been going on for a while now. We threw out his Easter candy right before Christmas, Last night he came into my room trying to sell me his candy from Christmas. He will only only eat healthy, did I say that? As in, "Mom, is this good for me?" "Damn Alex just eat it it won't kill you! Everything in moderation, you can have a piece of cake on your birthday for crying out loud." And to make matters worse, twiddlededee & twiddlededum are following in his footsteps. Salads for dinner, every night, protien, lowfat milk and vegetables.

So that's it. The gig is up. Any sugar in my household is my doing. I can no longer hide behind having these kids as my excuse. If you see me in Big Y or Caraluzzi's with cookies in the cart, they are not for the boys. You can give me that look, I deserve it.Could they think of a better way to stick it to me but to make me own up to my own sugar addiction? And like all teens, there is nothing purposeful, or with awareness, about their rebellion. It just so happens to point parents in the direction of self reflection, if parents choose to look. 

And I'm looking at the 6 boxes of girl scout cookies delivered to my house this past week, with apparently only my name on them. What a great opportunity to grow, just have to decide if it's going to be my hips or my self.

Women & Body Image

Women, we walk & we talk and we criticize and bemoan. We can't rid of this, that's too big, too jiggly. I remember one time in my life where I was happy with my body image. Unfortunately it was a very low point of my life, and I was not eating and I was exercising, hard, 6-10 hours a week. And not eating, and breastfeeding. That's when I thought I looked my best. How sad.

All through high school I thought I was fat. This was high school graduation. When I look back at this young woman now, there's so much I would tell me.
Not the least of which was to enjoy this body, appreciate it. Most of my friends were very petite, but by many standards I was petite as well, barely 5'4". But they were barely 5', so I felt like an over sized giant. It's all perspective.

This was me during my college years on a trip to Aspen. Again, I thought I was fat. I did not enjoy this body either, I was critical and angry that I did not have the long waist and gradually sloping hips pasted on the cover of magazines. I did not ever notice what I did have, just what I didn't. Do you see how the sweater has so much blousing space between my bust & waist.?  I didn't notice.

And after giving birth to three kids, I felt fat in Hawaii. Yes, I wore a bikini, with a constant cover up. I remember all that week feeling self conscious and lumbering. What was I thinking? What are we thinking?

There have been times I have indeed been fat. My last year of Grad school while I saw over 25 clients a week, plus drove 6 + hours, plus sat in classes for another 6 and ate only at fast food resturants, I was fat. I have the graduation pictures to prove it. After a break-up a few years ago I spent a  while drowning in peanut m&m's. I got fat then too. Since the new year I have been working hard on loosing weight and exercising more. It took 7 weeks to lose the first three pounds. I cannot give up, not just for the weight, but for the health. I have decided that on a day to day basis today, I need to feel good about myself.

I , we, will never be any younger than we are today. Today is a day to choose to feel good about the body we have and all the things it does for us. Even if. No,  no "even if". 

Less criticizing, more appreciating. 

Navigating the curves

We all know it, when we give birth to these beautiful creatures, that they eventually grow into the sexual beings capable themselves of giving birth. We know it, but we don't like to think about it. Just as they get grossed out thinking about what we did to create them. As much as I hope each of my sons have a fulfilling and healthy sex life (and gives me granddaughters :-) ) It has come to my attention that it is time to step up the Driver's Ed on navigating the curves ( otherwise known as girls). But with it comes many a question.

I have, for a long time, held a simple belief about adolescence. It was shared with me by a fellow mental health clinician, who himself had four of these youths at the time. He said, " I tell them I completely trust them and their judgement until they do something that makes me get involved in their lives. Then I will take whatever steps needed to keep them safe so they can go forward again, without me involved." I liked it. It's simple and straight forward. Obvious I trust you to go to parties, until I find out you are puking your brains out in the bathroom, then we reassess. You can use the car, until you get a ticket, reassess. So as long as they remain "successful" , at either keeping their mischief from me( as we did with our parents) or in doing what's right, they continue to get room to grow.

In our day, we could go to a party and play spin the bottle, or suffer through "7 minutes in Heaven" and our parents were none the wiser. We could for the most part, experiment with our sexuality, learn about our bodies, practice being sexual beings, innocently and without our parents knowing about it. And they didn't need to know about it, usually. It now it seems that things are at once both slower and faster. My sons' are not at boy-girl parties on a regular basis, and to my knowledge no one has shown up drunk to the last day of school in 8th grade ( Can you believe that? And in Bethel in 1980?) We have kept them busy enough, sequestered enough.


Then there was Facebook. Now a days our all-to-anxious-to-write about it kids share intimate details on the public forum, leading me to the question, "When now do we get involved?" When a friend tells us what's on her son's FB stream? Is that reason enough?
 I recently learned, for some, oral sex is now "3rd Base". As I recall, oral sex wasn't even on the playing field 30 years ago ( oh God did I just do that math correctly?). yep, that sucks.About that math I mean.
I'm cracking myself up here. sorry. Back to the subject.

I am fairly confident my boys' are still relatively innocent. Notice all the uncertainty in my word choice. They are really not given much opportunity to have alone time with a girl, that I am certain of.  What I am hearing is the change seems to be in the girls' ( no one specific) eagerness, willingness to almost be used by boys. Is this the backlash to feminism? So we need to thank Snookie? We are owning our own sexuality at 13? And are willing to give BJ's to anyone? I know there were girls, troubled girls, like this then. It seems now it is more the norm. So as a mom, with new information I would not have had 30 yrs ago as a parent, what do I do?
I know what I would do if I had a daughter, that daughter specifically who is so willing to have her value debased. But I don't. I have testosterone pumping boys. The ones you used to have to watch out for.

And because of Facebook, I now have information my parents would not have had and therefore feel I am required to act. But my kids didn't do anything. So am I?
 So we talk. We talk about sex, and respect, and their plans for their futures. We talk about unfortunate girls who give themselves over for the wrong reasons( there is NO right reason at 13, 14, 15, 16...!) We talk about responsibility and self-control. Feelings, and frustrations. Relationships and communication.We talk about diseases and my unwillingness to raise another child. We use our slogan "Sex can wait, masturbate". And I keep them busy. And in groups with other boys.
They are not doing anything "wrong". But life altering things happen. I have a friend who was date raped at 15 by one of our other "friends", another with a pregnancy scare at 14. One of my ex-boyfriends became a father at 17 & and some girls had abortions & we were the "good kids".
 I know my arsenal is mostly full of stalling techniques. But isn't that the best we can do for something that is inevitable? That, and educate them on navigating the curves.

SNOW DAYS!

Love em or hate em, if you live in CT, you get them. You may have guessed I love them. Anytime to play more with my kids is a bonus for me. I am very aware that three years from now Alex's " Snow days" will be on a campus somewhere, where hopefully he will be doing what he is doing right now, which is sleeping in his bed. Only I will not get the privilege of making breakfast for him that day. Yep, I said it, privilege. Being able to do something for someone you love, to me, is a privilege. And while the time is passing, without my consent or even consultation, I will , with "God as my witness" ( Ala Scarlett O'Hara) joyfully make them breakfast, play a game, referee their fights and whatever else a snow day requires.

I remember when they were little, I divide my life with the boys by the houses we lives in, and this was the "big house" in Ridgefield. Snow days there meant helping everyone on with their gear as they could not do it themselves, hide and seek in the house, painting, baking and me drinking a whole 2 litre bottle of diet coke. One winter we apparently had so many of them that my breasts began to hurt. My midwife told me it was the caffeine, and I'd need to find another way to keep up with three little boys on snow days. Apparently we were not meant to drink the entire bottle in one day.

Once again, we have a snow day sans snow, so far. But that still works for me. I exposed two of my sons to a foreign film, with subtitles. They had previously not known this was one of their mother's interests. And we had a talk about the state of men & women around the world, and old traditions and religion. and if we had any bacon I could make with their pancakes for breakfast. By the way, the movie is called "Water" it was beautiful, fascinating, terrifying. And once again made me thankful for the privilege of caring for my kids, and for love in all of it's forms.

I can smell bacon burning. Gotta run. Have fun today and be safe.

Side effects of riding in cars with boys

There was loads of advice when I was a new mom or even during my pregnancy,  Folic acid, stay away from the fish, be sure to allow people to help you when you get home form the hospital, it makes everyone feel good. My Gram offered "Eat chocolate. ( like I have to be told that) It will make you thirsty so you will drink more water and produce more milk" Gotta love my Grandma.  Or my personal fav from my Great Aunt Rita " Do not cross your legs when you are pregnant, the baby won't be able to breath" Love those Italian Women!

But no one, and I mean no one mentioned the loss of bladder control. I will admit I was a bit perturbed that peeing on yourself after the birth of your child was not in any of the " What to Expect" books. That it would be completely impossible to make it to the bathroom and get situated before my bladder let loose.  And that it would take weeks to return to a condition under which I dare leave the house, or ingest fluids. I had a sister-in-law that gave birth 6 weeks before I did that failed to mention it. But I had the backs of my other two sisters-in-law who gave birth 3 and 5 weeks after me. I told them. Someone should benefit from my lesson. My own Mom did not mention it! And she did this 6 times! I have since told every pregnant woman I see and to be certain I will not keep this information from my own daughters-in-laws.

So here I am, almost 16 years after learning that first vital lesson. And now I find myself older, having had 2 more children, & 16 years worth of gravitational pull. I am now as good as any of Pavlov's dogs. All I have to do is see a toilet, I am done. My body doesn't seem to care if my pants are on or off. Sitting is purely optional as well. All I need is the visual cue. God help me if I ever need to go to a plumbing supply store. I have taken to walking into the bathroom with my eyes shut until I am "ready".I don't even have to have the slightest awareness that I may need to take care of business in the next twenty minutes. I could have just TCB'd a few minutes earlier. It does not matter. Kegals be damned as well!  Good thing I work out of my house and my downstairs powder room doubles as the laundry room, that's all I am saying.

I know I am not alone, which is why I am saying this out loud. We are not alone, none of us. I have a friend who had her women's plumbing put in a sling, a hammock of sorts, to gently ride out the second half of her life with a little more support and a lot less leaking. I am thinking if they are making bladder hammocks, there is cause for it. Perhaps this too should be shared during that last prenatal visit, or the 6 week post delivery check-up. That there is hope. That there exists a sort of outdoor furniture that can be placed inside your body for comfort and ease. I'd have signed up right away, when I had insurance to cover it.

There's another well kept secret too, I recently found out about. When you are done having kids, and you know you are done. You can have a procedure that destroys the lining of your uterus and there by eliminating YOUR PERIOD. And it takes 90 seconds! 90 seconds- no period ever again! No pills- nothing! Amazing.

We should educated the sisterhood. Take out a billboard on I-84. Only no pictures of a toilet on it PLEASE! Anybody with me?

Put your mask on first

She told me I looked great in everything, but bought herself nothing. She told me I could do anything, and then took over her boss' job at a fraction of the pay. She told me I was smart, strong and free, and she stayed trapped in an unhealthy relationship that not only damaged her, but her children as well. And as children do,  I followed her example of a woman's worth instead of absorbing her words as wishes for me. It took a crisis for me to learn this lesson.

"Put your mask on first", the flight attendant says, "before assisting others." As a young mother with three children on a flight I often smirked at this command. Like any woman in her right mind would make sure she was okay while her child struggled. And yet it is what we must do. In little ways, everyday.

But first, if you are like most women I know, you need to find out what "your mask" is.
 What brings you oxygen, life, joy?
What energizes you and makes it so you can return to your difficult and time consuming job of taking care of others?
Years ago, when I was training to be a therapist a speaker was brought in to a class for some comic relief, and to deliver a message. I always prefer my messages to be delivered with comic relief personally. I think they stick better. One of the things she told us was if we each made a list of ten things that nurtured us each day, and did them, we would never need therapy. My list has changed over the years as my life has changed, but I find I am in a better mood when I hit at least 8 out of my ten each day. They do not have to be big things, and they should be things you have some control over.

1. Look out the picture window in my bedroom, see the sunrise & thank God for it

Sunrise out that window-Room design- Linda Burhance
Paint- Adele Unger

2. Feel the softness of my pillowcases on my cheek

3. S-T-R-E-T-C-H

4. A mug of hot tea (several mugs, vats really)

5. Go for a walk

6. Talk to a few friends

7. Hug my boys *

8. Laugh out loud

9. Pet and baby talk my dogs

10. Do something from my to do list

11. Dance

12. Sing out loud

13. Connect with a family member

I have a few extra in case the weather doesn't cooperate with my sunrise or walking. I do these things everyday and they nourish me. Participating in these activities keeps me in the here & now. They keep me balance and available for those I love.

My mom did the best she could, and is now, possibly for the first time in her life, learning how to put her mask on first. I am grateful to her and proud to be her daughter. 

Now go, make your list of what nourishes you.  Then do them! :-)

Put your mask on first, so you can help your kids with theirs.

* By design, even with shared custody, there are only two days each month that I do not see them at some point during the day