These M & M's aren't good for you either 

So I understand I am "old", and just like parents of the 50's were concerned about Elvis and his gyrating pelvis, I have concern about my children and what they listen to. I played Raffi, and classical music in the background while they were growing up. When we wanted to rock out, the Wiggles were there for us to dance party to. "Hip Hop Noel" was a favorite from Disney at the holidays.

I have not liked, but have tolerated, to a point( three swear words and the son must be changed, sometimes we don't make it thru the first stanza) my very white, a little preppy, health conscious and academically responsible boys' affinity for Hip Hop & Rap. I even went so far as to take one of them & their friends to a concert. But what I heard yesterday just threw me over the edge. It did.

When the boys were young we often sang the duet of  Carly Simon & James Taylors' " Mocking Bird" when I was putting them to bed. It was fun, and a good memory. Some nights when we had more time we played a game where they would throw out a word and I would sing a song that had that word in it. That was pretty cool as well. Until, well #2, always a precocious child,one night he threw out  "Testicles" ( we were anatomy appropriate in my house no "gaslapogus", or "vajay jee" for us)  & I had to admit defeat. I knew of no song, nor did I ever care to know of a song, that contained the word testicles. it's not melodic

So we are driving yesterday and he puts on his rap crap and I hear the word "vagina"  in a song, yep, "Vagina"  Are you kidding me? There are not enough words in the English language to use we now have to use basic anatomy words for songs? Are we singing about ovaries yet? How about a pancreas?

What gets me more then this, is what does the future hold? The sexual innuendos of my youth : "Afternoon Delight" prove too cryptically challenging to figure out for today's youth? They have to have it spelled  out with directions of what to put where and details on how things work? What sounds to anticipate and where to leave your number as you leave? Am I being old?

And most importantly, What the heck are my grandchildren going to listen to?

Calling Red Tenters

I know a lot of you read this, but don't follow it or comment on it. Good thing there is a counter & I know close to 8000 reader's have checked out what I write. My brother's would assume I keep reading myself over & over again to drive up the numbers. But I know you are out there, so I  am looking for help, and it was too much to put in a comment on Facebook.
A dear friend of mine, after 18 years of raising her son, told me , upon the moment of release at college, "I had nothing, 18 years of raising him; this is the moment, sending him off to the world, & I was blank. So I hugged him and said, "Be good". " BE GOOD! that's all I could come up with. Then I cried the whole way home."
Ice ran through my veins. I've already imagined Nick driving and Michael keeping me in constant supply of puffs as we drive back from the drop off, but I hadn't considered the " MOMENT". I don't have a lot of Momisms for the kids to live by. There's not gonna be " My momma always said.." except for a favorite spanish idiom that the kids swear does not mean what I told them it meant. " Aunque le mone se vista de seda, mona se queda". It is a huge stress reliever when said with real emotion, even if it means nothing.
I decided I am going to prepare. I am going to give that highly charged emotional moment its proper due.So I am going to thank him for the ride. And I have decided there's not just one comment I can leave him with, so I am making a full calendar for him. If your mom or dad gave you a gem of wisdom, please leave the comment for me, I plan on filling everyday in his freshman year.

Jane's been sending me some. Please add your thoughts!

WWYD?

So this whole it takes a village thing. I love it, I believe in it, and I am wondering to what extent it goes. What would you do?

One of my son's friends was given alcohol, which he showed to my son. OK, I am going light , he brought it, with my son's permission, over. Luckily they decided not to partake & were discovered, cause my kids are pretty bad at being bad. His father & I handled our son, and after my encouragement, his father made sure the other family was made aware of their child's actions. I would want to know.

Dear Newtownians,
     If you see any of the Roche children step over the line, feel free to both reprimand them,  & then PLEASE call me.

Thanks,
Cathy

But what about the older teen who gave my son's friend the alcohol. I want that name. I want his/her parents to know. I want to assume, they would want to know that their kid gave alcohol to a 14 year old.
My son's friend is clammed up, but he'll want to come over sooner or later and he will have to look me in the eye, I'm thinking I can get it out of him, but should I?

If I don't I feel like I am part of the turn your head & look the other way society. If I do.....I risk being seen as an even worse "that Mom" than the kids already see me as. & rippled social effects on my kids.

Thoughts???
Sorry no pictures, not feel it tonight.

On-line dating

The world of online dating is complicated when you are a therapist. I found this out shortly after I was divorced when one of my clients found my profile on a dating site and inboxed me through it to ask to change his appointment time. When you are supposed to be, at times, not much more than a reflecting mirror, the last thing I needed was to have my personal life, and lame attempts at explaining " What I am looking for in a partner", and all the goofiness profiles ask you to lay out there, read by someone who was coming in to pay me to hear his life's trauma. He now knew too much and the balance shift was uncomfortable. I enjoy being a little, a lot, anonymous with my clients. Two seperate worlds- works for me:-).

Then there was the experience of when I had stopped at a deli to grab a snack with my boys prior to dropping them at their dad's house. A man recognized me from the site. I did not used my name in it, but a profile Id, he assumed it was related to my real name and started calling for me across the deli. I did not respond because, well he wasn't calling my name. So he walked over and asked me about the site, and if I was who he thought I was. Mind you my three elementary aged kids are hip high around me. I told him I was, but I was not able to chat at that time as I had the kids & was getting a snack then dropping them off. He did not take the hint. He stood near me trying to talk about how weird it was "that we bumped into each other at this place", and we should really talk. Meanwhile my little cubs were wondering why they didn't have mom's attention & who this intrusive guy was. As I was paying for their snacks, he said, " Now say 'Thank you' to your mom boys". And still asked if we could get together .I am sure it was coming from a well meaning place. After I dropped off the kids I went home and took my profile down again. ick.

I was off the market for a while, but am back semi-looking. My good friend Sue found someone right after her last child got their driver's license, she said it could not have worked out any better. I have a feeling it will be that way for me too. It's way too complicated to mesh three teenaged boys with any other type of family, or maybe I just like how things are running here just fine. Besides Nick's has been after me to become a foster mom for an  infant, and I am seriously considering it. Now that's a date breaker for sure.
Perhaps I need a little more time just here, just us , just enough.

But Chemistry.com is free this weekend, and looking can't hurt.

Christmas for dummies

Don't hate me becuase I am done. Done with the shopping, wrapping and labelling. The radio station is permanently on 97.5 for Christmas music all the time. Working on the cards, to add letter or not to add letter, that is the question....But don't hate me because I am done. This is my favorite time of year, and what with honors classes, my two jobs, sports etc, I find the time to actually enjoy the season with my boys gets more and more difficult, so I try to be "done" by Thanksgiving to squeeze any moment of Christmas cheer out of  our month of December. The halls are decked, the house smells like pine, I have forgotten what half of the presents I got for the boys are ( making the unwrapping exciting for me as well!)
I was dismayed recently to hear my youngest God-daughter no longer believes in Santa. Dismayed is an understatement. My own children still believe in Santa, or atleast have never admitted to me anything otherwise, and Wise of them that is. I found out her mom has some fairly ametuer Christmasing skills, you'd never know she also has a 15 year old with the rookie mistakes she has been making. So I thought I'd share a few of my personal tips, as in my family Christmas is synoymous with "Aunt Cathy", I feel as if I know a little something about this.

First of all, I suggest every parent learn this song, and sing it as often as White Christmas or Deck The Halls:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1_qhKppEDo

It was one of my best memories from my Grandmother's apartment in Queens when I was a child.

Next: Make sure your children know you believe in Santa. Naming my second child after him helped in my house.

Next: Have "Santa Sacks" A pillow case decorated for each child for Santa to place their unwrapped presents in. This way it is clear what is from Santa and what is from other family members. Plus it saves the ol' guy & the elves from wrapping gifts, VERY GREEN of you!

Next: Believe Believe in magic, and love, believe in possibility and delight. Believe in the spirit of Christmas and children, in fun and innocence. They are children for such a short time, let it last as long as possible.


And remember what Santa brings, more than the toys or gadgets, the socks and jewelry, is a reminder that honoring our children, symbolized by one specific baby boy, who, as I heard in a funny movie reference a few weeks ago " Just happened to be born on Christmas Day", is really what this time of year is all about.They are, after all, the greatest gift.

Parenting is not for the faint at heart

 Client 1. Daughter (14) has met boy from different town (16) Mom & Dad come in to lay down ground rules.
Completely reasonable & a little more lenient than me- there are no members of the opposite sex allowed in my kids' bedrooms. I do not have time to stand watch at a door, so I refuse to set the situation up. ( Alex says I am way too strict- ah well) So said client's teenaged daughter grumbles at the rules, and mom looks at me flustered  "See I get attitude" " So what?" I say, yep that's what 5 years in a Masters program in family therapy prescribes for these situations, " So what?"

If I had to wait until my children LIKED what I told them to do, we'd be over run by garbage, the lawn would never be cut, & Michael would still be wearing the same clothes he wore the first day of school. You get the picture.

Family 2: Divorced parents came in together, their 8 year old was on-line video chatting at a friends house and the 14 year old boy they were talking to convinced them to do some untoward stuff. Dad said " This is exactly why I did not want to have a daughter." His fear was palpable.

http://www.parentingteensinfo.com/2011/08/12/dont-allow-yourself-to-become-isolated-2-minute-tip-for-parenting-teens-168/

There's a great website above. You are not alone, whatever you are going through. & they put us through alot.

Parenting through fear or love?

I spoke with Bev Jean for a brief moment yesterday. But you know how it is, when you speak with a loved one, a brief moment, can speak volumes. All the words tend to count. I had given her a book by Nora Ephron, something about neck wrinkles, I glanced through it prior to handing it over, ( That's not officially regifting is it?) So Bev Jean says to me " I finished the book you gave me, and I have earmarked something I want to share with you & talk about." I asked her to share at the moment as I was familiar with the book. She says" The part where she talks about parenting. & how you parents today, and you know I think you bend over backwards for those kids ( THOSE kids? you mean mine? The ones I chose to bring into this world?- thoughts not spoken words) well, she says you know how parents today say something like "I know you didn't mean to break mommy's lamp when you threw the ball" well it's just to much" I remarked on the obvious literary license Ephron used, but let her know I understood what she was getting at.
"Mom you mean because this generation talks to their kids more than yours did? Cause we'd get hit first and asked questions later? " And sometimes hit with a belt for just being in the general area of the mishap.
"Yeah, I'm not sure it's working" Sometimes I think she forgets what I do for a living.
"So Mom, because some parents have tried to not shame their children for child-like behavior, you think we are all parenting wrong? Is it possible the adults who were those kids who got hit first and questioned later didn't like that parenting method?"
" Well in my generation" I  have to admit I interrupted this one "You got hit and no questions later?"
" No" she said, "we didn't do it because we were told not to"  So somehow, magically, at 2, 3 & 4 years old children of two generations ago had a far superior sense of self control and logic? Or did they know they'd get hit if they did something wrong? And where did that lead them?

We have had the conversation many times over of raising kids through fear or through mutual respect. She'd criticize me frequently for not applying some " psychology to the seat of their pants", when the boys were small.
I agreed with her, that I see in my practice some parents, who, not wanting to repeat what was done to them,  shift the balance to allowing the child too much power, which is as damaging as not considering them enough, and again stated, " While I know the jury is out on my own parenting for another 20 years, I am comfortable with having three straight A students who seem basically kind, are interested in eating health & exercising "
What I didn't say was, at 16, 14, and 13, to my knowledge, my kids have not gotten involved with drugs, alcohol, have not had depression , anxiety or issues stealing, and I am fairly confident no one is sexually active, all of which is more than I can say for her children at those ages.

So, yes the jury is out, and I know as a future grandma I will need to bite my tongue a million times over regarding what I think is the best way to raise children ( PLEASE breastfeed & one of you stay home with them for the first two years!!!)- but it'll be none of my business.
I hope the old adage of " you do the best with what you know at the time, and when you know more, you do better" holds. Here's to learning more about child development, and bonding, human interaction.

Thank you!

91 more post reads and I will be at 5000. Not ever a real goal, just kind of cool, and have I mentioned?, my mom has NEVER read my blog. So she is not even stuffing the numbers with her friends!

I started this for a few reasons. most of which remain in tact today, which brings up a point. Every once in a while I like to evaluate " Why am I doing this?' " Is it still relevant?" " Do I still enjoy it?" ( Thus the pictures and scrapbook material spread across my dining room table, it has become a chore). I like to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I take my cue from Mother Nature.

Look how our bodies work, when working right. Take the good out of our food, get rid of what we don't need. And if we don't give ourselves enough, we suffer, and if we take more than we need, well, there's a system in place to let that be known as well. :-)
And how her great wind storms help clear the deadened branches from tress and make room for new.
It's a good system, and it works.
I like to do this with the family as well. Check the systems we have in place, are they working? what was their purpose? Do they need to be adjusted? One of the beautiful parts of this is including the boys' experiences in the conversation. Of course I am always in conflict with the youngest over my methods of discipline (see my post on Feedback), but on other ways, I want the boys' to know their opinions are important, all the while maintaining my truth of knowing more than they do about the world, and the "rammy" adolescent male brain.
I digress- Thank you, those who read, those who respond, those who tell me they read privately, those who find my posts worthy to pass on to others. I am honored and flattered- And this is still working.Thank you

Cognitive Dissonance

 I was watching the news a few weeks ago and the newest finding of HPV causing throat cancer in males caught my attention.I new they had a vaccine for females, now they are offering it to males. Anything to protect. I called the DR to schedule an appointment to have all three boys vaccinated.

A few weeks later I found myself at the pediatrician's office with my young men in tow. There is something a bit strange about being in the same room where I naively tried to distract #1 from his first round of baby shots by breastfeeding him through them (( I am sure the nurses had a good laugh about that during their lunch break), he still screamed. Good thing he had no teeth!) and being there now, 16 years later getting shots to protect them from sexually transmitted diseases.

But that's not the half of it. Many of you have heard me say, my most favorite time of my life will be remembered only by me, as they were too young.

Well we had a brief trip down memory lane,

 waiting in this office, with boys who are now taller than me, when I discovered this book in the pile:

 PJ Funny Bunny was one of Alex's favorites. The look on his face was priceless! And the flood of memories of them sitting on my lap, reciting the "chorus" with me was joyful. It was as if it was yesterday. All three started recounting their favorite parts as PJ decides he is tired of being a bunny and tries to find other families to fit in with, ultimately deciding having a million brothers and sister and eating carrots is not so bad after all. They kept saying excitedly " I remember that page!" " I love that picture", and trying to guess which animals family PJ was going to try to join next. Clearly something about this book was bringing back the love & joy I remember so well from the hours we spent sitting on the carpet all huddled up reading about PJ Funny Bunny. ( YES!) So seldom am I included in their spontaneous expression of joy these days (Teen code)
It was a beautiful 10 minutes.
Then the nurse returned to inoculated my babies, I mean my teenagers, from a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE.
New appreciation for denial here.

Then again, thinking you are better off elsewhere to eventually decide, really, home is best, seems pretty appropriate for right now too. Thanks again PJ.

Crazy- like a fox

I took 9 boys to 6 Flags  New England this past weekend. The parents called me "crazy", they said I was " Soooo nice",or " Nuts".
One of my many little secrets, is, I am crazy, like a fox. What looks like a huge endeavor to the naked eye is a well planned cover for an experienced parenting agenda. I learned years ago, my kids require far less management when they each have a playmate, truly, the more the merrier. It costs in a few extra snacks & drinks, but that's what Costco is for after all. And the price for peace? Nothing really.
The boys & I got season passes at a discounted rate last year- paid for already 2 times over.
I had discount tickets agreement for my au pairs that I used for these kids, so I honestly even made out in gaining points with my credit card company, for money I did not even spend. - awesome.
It was the last Saturday I can plan something with them until July, with finals coming up.
It did cost me 140 miles worth of gas, so say $20?
Plus I was able to buy gas in Mass, which as we all know, is remarkably cheaper than CT gas, so I actually almost saved money, somehow in my money logic game.

The boys have a great time.
 I look like the hero for allowing them to bring their friends to a somewhat rare event, and I get to enjoy watching them with their friends, hearing them all sing in the car (one of my favorite things) eating lunch with them, having a few casual chats and mostly lounging by a pool.
Yep, lounging by a pool. And reading Victor Frankel's " Man's Search for Meaning" from cover to cover. It was on my summer's to do list. Am I crazy?? Really? LOL.  When is the last time you have time you had 4 hours to read a book while on a lounge chair on a sunny Saturday afternoon?

Had we stayed home, I can guarantee I would have done a lot more driving, a million times more refereeing and had no where near the amount of uninterrupted reading time. For years our weekends were brief stops at the house made in between baseball games. Next year Alex will be driving and I imagine MIA most weekends between work & friends.

So if your child is included in one of my crazy gaggle of boy plans, remember, I make out very well in these situations. Thank you for helping me.

Transition

Remember that time during labor when you are waiting for the cervix to dilate to 10 cm? The contractions are getting worse, stronger, longer and closer together.  The pain is fairly excruciating. The light at the end of the tunnel is hard to focus on because the now, well it sucks. Well if there is the equivalent in the launching process for adolescence, I think we have hit it.
Don't get me wrong. My kids are any parents dream. ( if I say so myself) They help around the house, ( not without grunting, but I expect grunting) the are excellent students, they are physically active and respectful, most of the time. Their music is horrendous, but I think that's a right of passage too. Michael asked me this morning why I listen to "my" music, kind of why am I stuck on " Don't worry be Happy". I told him most of us get caught into our generation's music, and he will too, unless he realizes Emminem is badly in need of yoga & therapy.

So to my son:
When you were born, driving home from the hospital, I had this overwhelming feeling of fear and inadequacy. They let me take a baby out of the hospital. I have to keep him alive or a lot of people will be really mad at me. Then I fell head over heels in love with you and I had to keep you alive, and protect you for you and for me.

So you did not have honey until you were past one.
You were breastfed until you were 15 months old.
I gladly gave up my career to be there for you, and facilitate your learning and playing and well being.
There were no gates in our house, as I walked beside you when you learned to navigate the stairs.
I watched you climb, knowing you could get hurt, and knowing your mastery was as important.
I did not let you watch the news after 9/11, why expose you to a world you could not control.
I did not tell you about Columbine, see above.
When you heard about Elizabeth Smart, you had trouble sleeping for weeks for fear someone would take you out of your bed. I wish you hadn't heard about her.
I gave you the keys to the car when we walked out of the DMV after you passed your permit test, you drove home. I knew we could get hurt, your mastery was as important.
You rarely hear "NO" because you have earned so many yeses. Your time is yours 90% of the time, you make so many of your own decisions, because you consistently make good ones. And you are a teenager, so that can change at any given point in time. I know your dad & I did not consistently make good decisions when we were teenagers.
And yes because you are in a divorced family, there is an unreal aspect to our lives. I do my own thing when you are gone, and I make sure I am available when you are here, and that's odd, to you. & I will admit it is, your friends parents fit their social life into their schedule and sometimes it overlaps with the kids lives, I don't need to do that.
And yes, if I think women popping ping pong balls out of their vagina's is a vulgar image you don't need to be exposed to, we are walking out of the movie when that scene comes on. And if that is enough to make you mad at me for an entire night, maybe just maybe I am doing my job right. And maybe, just maybe transition is hard for both parent and child.
I wonder what it is like for that baby, getting pushed & squeezed, over & over making it's way down the birth canal. I am sure there is terrific relief when it is over, but I bet the process is not fun for them either.
And it is always harder for the first one, for both of us.

So even while I am proud of your work and who you are and how you conduct yourself, it is still my job to ease you out into the world, and protect you from unnecessary things. I have surrendered so much already

The end of an era

I knew it would happen. I told his brothers it would happen, although that did not lesson the teasing or taunting as I had hoped. Gone forever,  I fear, is the carefree just "being" of little boys. You know, when brushing your teeth or wearing matching clothes are just not on the radar. Moving, being out in the sunshine, climbing trees or conquering mythical creations are by far more important that how one looks to others.There is actually no awareness of how one looks to others. Michael was my only child who truly encapsulated all that was wonderful and innocent about boyhood wonder in this way. #1 was too busy, well, being a first born, to allow himself such freedom. #2 was always WAAAAYYY to into the tender gender to allow himself to relax on his appearance. He was a metro sexual before the word was invented.

Meantime Michael could wear the same clothes for days on end, if I let him, or never brush his teeth, again, if I let him. He did not care that we could smell his breath across the table, or that his peers might have a problem with it. He was ok with rust colored shorts and a red or orange shirt. He was ok with one pair of socks worn for a week straight, or not brushing his hair & I loved all of that about him. His brothers didn't. Far to aware of the social rules or their own self-imposed hygiene mandates, Micheal's casual neglect of all things hygienic was a constant source of battle with them. In part because they felt it reflected badly upon them. " When's the last time you took a shower?", " Mom, he wore those shorts yesterday!", " My God your breathe is disgusting". While I hated the teasing, or pleading for change, I told them it would happen, in his time, not theirs. I silently applauded him for not being swayed by their pressure.

Last night- ten p.m.- I had to tell him to put down the toothbrush & go to bed. He had been at it for a while, coming to my bedside breathing on me to have a breathe check. Scraping, flossing and brushing, then checking again. I though maybe it was due to the dentist today, then this morning, before school, not only did he have ALL new clothes in, he wet down his hair and brushed it.

I think there's a girl in the picture... "and so it goes, and so it goes. And so will you soon I supposed."

All is right with the world

I know, it was supposed to end on Saturday. I made a cheesecake for the occasion. But 9 teenagers were playing hockey in my driveway Saturday morning, with makeshift goals and using brooms as sticks when our supply ran low, and all was right with the world. They organized themselves, and included everyone. Yeah, there was a good deal of ribbing and complaints intermingled with the triumphant goals and blocks, but they did it. Some were on roller blades, some in sneakers. With out fancy equipment, or overzealous coaches giving them pointers to teach them the "right" way to have a good time, they played for over an hour. They played. I had teenagers "playing" in my driveway. & it was one of those moments I wrapped in my heart to remember.

Like everyone else, we are rushed -rushed to get homework done, haircuts, chores, play dates, get to commitments, the gym, work. My kids have the added pressure of being " rushed" between two homes, a definate downside of a divorce. But on this Saturday morning, they got to do what kids, in my opinion, are supposed to do, organize themselves, use their budding adult skills to create order and have fun. I got yelled at for taking pictures. I get yelled at a lot for taking pictures. & in the words of  Beverly Jean, my mother, "TS". I know they don't get it, not my job to teach them. Life will show them, in 20 years, the importance of pictures on a Saturday morning when you are playing hockey with your school friends in your driveway. ( the blog is not letting me upload these pictures right now, don't know why.sorry)

In someways, with the impending end of the world, it reminded me of 9/11. THE 9/11. And while our future is as uncertain today as it was on that tragic day, I wanted to hold in my heart the innocence of my children's world. I remember, after spending the better part of that day glued to the horror on television, in the company of the electrician who was working at our house, when Alex came home from school I turned the TV off and we put a blanket out on the front yard. We had a picnic and followed bugs as they traversed the orange blanket his father's family has had for years. They watched in wonder and amazement as these tiniest of creatures made their long journey over our picnic tablecloth and focussed on what was important. Life. Now.

Those boys in my driveway. One just got his license last Friday. I am calling DMV to set up Alex's appointment today. They are all on the cusp. Dangers they don't let their teenage brains dwell on. Let alone the hopeful happy ending to it all,- in two years they will be headed out. Out to that world that could end for any of them in an instant. I do not mean to be morose. I find keeping reality in mind helps me appreciate everyday moments and embrace more joy.

And on last Saturday morning, while 9 boys played hockey in my driveway, and yes crushed my spring flowers, all was right in the world.

This one it let me load...go figure

Shout out to my Bros

Mom's 70th Bday Party

I write a lot about my Red Tent Mates, and was comprising yet another metaphor filled blog about them last night when it occurred to me, after one of my brother's saved my technological life yet again, I've not given them enough Kudos, so here goes:

Kevin, Brian, Sean, Cathy, Matthew, Glen, Kevin, Brian, Sean, Cathy, Matthew, Glen, Kevin, Brian, Sean....I remember repeating our names over and over as a kid, trying to get the time down quickly. As I have said in previous a previous blog, my mom did a really good job naming us, I always thought( Matthew would disagree citing himself as the only on not ending with the "n" sound, and there's that white Christmas stocking standing apart from our red ones, but that's his story to tell). Kevin, Brian, Sean, Cathy, Matthew, Glen. The connections that last a lifetime. Our siblings are generally the longest relationships we have in our lives, and studies have shown both longevity and late life happiness are related to these relationships, and why shouldn't they be?

Ok, I am getting girly wordy and this ones for the boys, so I will bring it in:

Kevin: when I have been physically threatened is my bodyguard- who else can say that? Plus at family gatherings he organizes the kids into athletic games-which rocks ( even when he has to show up 12 yr olds)

Brian : is my own Geeks Squad- he amazes me at his abilities and patience talking me through untangling whatever I have currently tangled on my computer- countless hours and patience he has given me

Sean- My rock & my amusement- He held me up with weekly phone calls when I was going through the hardest time of my life, undauntedly. His multiply yearly visits are highlight of my year every year & he is soo funny. He comes and asks for a list of things he can do for me, he teaches my boys how to do thing ( hanging a shelf in Alex's room promoted a " Uncle Sean knows everything". Not the PhD from Columbia, the carpentry skills- kids.

Matthew- closest in age to me, we have shared so much, too much to mention- he is my soul connection, hours of conversation about life and support

Glen- Last but never least- He is my 911 on everything else, and there's a lot of 911 he has been there for. Like when I walked into my vacant house to find 3 inches of water everywhere & it raining from the ceilings- Glen is my go to guy. He simply says" Alright I'm coming" whenever I call.

Can a girl get any luckier than me?

Love you guys

I must have done something good

I really connected with that song from the Sound of Music. I used to fantasize about playing it at my wedding. And while my Captain Von Trap remains MIA, I found myself humming it the other day with the same sense of peace I always imagined I would have. And while not the romantic whirl around the gazebo Maria encountered, it was good. And  it was prompted by Michael, my youngest.

Poor kid was home a few days this week suffering from his spring allergies, which apparently are immune to even RX medications. Poor kid. He was miserable. But during our two days together, in between my clients, we chatted, and played games and watched some TV. And he appreciated me, and he told me so. But that's not it.

 He approached me in the kitchen one day and told me he wanted to tell me something, but he didn't want me to be disappointed. Isn't that just about the perfect lure for a mother, right up there with " I have to tell you something but you have to promise not to get mad."  So I bit. He told me while I was out with his brothers on the trampoline the other night he logged on to a local radio station and nominated me as " Mother of the Year". Disappointed? Seriously? He said he didn't know if I would win. LOL. As I wrapped him in my arms, I told him I already had won.This is one occasion when it truly is an honor, just to be nominated.

Cue music "Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could. So somewhere in my youth, or childhood. I must have done something good."

Launching

Imagine the amount of energy used to launch the Space Shuttle into orbit. Past the gravitational pull of the earth, free to fly it's mission. I would not want to be under that thing, see all the fire? and yet...

Imagine the amount of energy used to launch a child out into their lives. Past the gravitational pull of their family, free to fly their own course. A woman I truly see as one of the best mothers I know came to me when her oldest daughter was entering her senior year of high school, in tears. Her heart was heavy with the knowledge that it was the last real summer as a whole family, and except for fortunate times ahead, counting on being together, was over. When we spoke in May she had a very different attitude, more like, " Here's your hat, don't let the door hit you on the way out!" Mother Nature provides for us a shift so we can let them go, it gets harder to live together. They lunge for their freedom, we miss what has been lost. Conflicting needs, desires and viewpoints abound.

As the Aunt of 13 I am in a position to view this several times before living it fully. Although I am quite aware of the torturous process of the slow death of childhood in my own home, I have a 19 year old niece who is on the launching pad and the countdown has begun. There were some problems with the initial launch, which is why she is still on the pad a few months before her 20th birthday. And according to my brother, it is all very painful. Now we can choose to stay in the moment and argue about cleaning rooms and stealing clothes from siblings and curfews, or we can acknowledged what is really happening. She is leaving, as children are supposed to do, and it hurts. It is far easier and more distracting to stay focused on the daily irritations, but I think we all miss out on something if we do that. She is leaving, and it hurts. It hurts us both, the pushing off of and pulling away from the gravitational pull of the family. Neither side in unscathed. But we can make it easier on both sides if we take the time to acknowledge our children a gift that life has given us. We were only promised that gift for a time period, and then the gift has to take what we gave it and go, and become. And if we are lucky, they will want to return to visit from time to time.

It is our job to make sure the launching pad is in good shape, without chunks missing so as to delay launch.
We need to make sure we are capable to do our job and be a solid force for them to push off of, just as they leaned against us when that was required.

I know Alex is on the blocks being driven to the launch site. I am thankful to have the two short years in front of me to look for last minute tweaking double check all systems ready, and enjoy him. I know those years will be marked only by moments of togetherness just like the check lists for the final count down. I look forward to our vacations together as the time approached where Spring Break will take the place of April vacations. I hope and pray I have done all I can do to create a launch pad for him to push off of, knowing that push will be more painful than the first pushes that gave him life. Already the contractions are "You are too tight on me", he said. "What do you mean?", I  inquiry. He almost never hears no to any request because he does all I could ever ask of him. He sleeps out most weekends, both nights, goes to parties, has already kissed the garage with my car and basically runs his own life ( brilliantly I might add).      " It's just a feeling" he says. And to myself I say "And you are too far away...:-( " But that's what is supposed to happen.

In the meanwhile, I am going to invest in a fire retardant suit.  Oh wait, I already have one, my dreams,my plans for the future are what I am wrapped in while each child pushes off of me. Get your launch pad ready folks, like it or not, they are going.

Mantras

I deal with them all the time. So many of us run our lives by unaware mantras softly whispered in the back of our minds. So softly that we often can't hear them until faced with the silence of a therapist's office.  I am an escavator of those mantras, introjects as we call them in my field. Thoughts so firmly and deeply planted in our minds they form how we approach life. " I am worthless", " I don't count", " I am unlovable". I am on my current soapbox after just hanging up with a woman friend of mine. Great woman, well educated, beautiful, funny as all get out, loving mom. And she forgot.

She forgot all that she is. A bump in a relationship left her shroud in self doubt and feeling ugly and worthless. A bump. In a relationship hardly out of it's embriotic phase. We women need a swift kick in the arse sometimes. So we talked, & I got tough, (who lil' o me?). She said she needed to know where the relationship was at, he hasn't been as attentive the past few days as he was before she revealed something a little vulnerable about herself. He also told her he was heading into a very busy time with work and finishing up his post secondary education this week. I told her she was being a " girl". Groan ! we tend to get off balance too easily, look too much for their response to us,( forget we are also in a position of choosing) , think we must have done something wrong ( illussion of control) and frequently look for the meta message as opposed to taking a man at his word. "he was heading into a very busy time with work and finishing up his post secondary education this week."
 " But I need to know" she cried. So I got really tough- " All you need to know, all that all of us need to know,  all we can know, is we can handle whatever comes our way." There are no assurances in life, anyone we love may/ will disappoint us, betray us, leave us. But we can handle it. We are enough.

Physician heal thyself. And I have come along way. Leaving an abusive relationship, ( took years) picking myself up off the ground after loosing a huge love (again took years), wrestled with self doubt. Good thing life is a marathon, and not a sprint. Plenty of time to learn the lessons put in front of us and reap the benefits of peace and contentment. Yep that's it Peace & Contenment. No awards, financial gains, or infamy. It's really rather undramatic.

I expect I will take another turn around the self -doubt bend again before my life is over. But for now, I am firmly planted, I am enough, and so are you.

Parenting- not for wimps

I went to a parent seminar today, and ran into a high school friend. She admonished me immediately,  "Parenting sucks  why didn't you warn me!". I tried to be supportive, " yes it's hard" I said.
"No", she replied," It sucks., You told me giving birth was hard you didn't tell me parenting sucks!"

I had apparently called her ( my memory is what sucks) a week before she gave birth to her first and told her everything no one told me about giving birth.  But I know I have often said, "There is more opportunity for joy per minute from 0-6 yrs old than anytime thereafter", I reminded her of this, she said I never told her. I told her I was probably busy savoring the joy with my kids. LOL  But yep, now that hers' are a teen and pre-teen and mine are all teens, ( in 9 days) parenting is hard. Really HARD.

Luckily my scolding was cut short by the speaker. John Hamilton LMFT ( Like me yeah!) spoke about a whole host of parenting concepts, not the least of which is it is not about US. US as in the adults. Parenting is about our kids. He even gave us questions, a report card of sorts to ask our kids. ( more about that later) He  did say, "Suck it up, grown up, act like an adult and do what you are supposed to do. Be there for your kid, have their backs," and teach them how to be functional adults.  He did not say this should be fun for you ( that was those first 6 years,I swear) . As a matter of fact what he described sounded exhausting. Pay attention to our non-verbal as well as verbal messages, keep your emotions in check, don't over react, accept them where they are at, know when to get involved, when to let go, listen to them, allow them room to be who they are without our expectations weighing them down. Hold them accountable, lovingly. Be a positive role model for them and their friends. Get involved, but not overly  involved. You got to be a teenager once, now it is their turn. Catch them being good, let them know you caught them, be realistic, support them WHEW!!!!!

I got so much good info, ways of saying things, out of his lecture, that I cannot wait to share. Stay tuned!
And put the big girl panties on cause this mom thing, it is not for sissies.

The new rebellion

Let me start by saying I appreciate what I have. Three healthy amazing boys, almost all teenagers ( a few weeks for the youngest) and being so it is natural for them to rebel, but I never expected this. As a therapist I always had a concern in the back of my head that their rebellion would be something very public and poor behaviorish ( I write this knowing I'm not out the woods yet by any stretch). I'm prepared for that. Understanding the reasons they need to exercise their differentiation from the family helps ease the blow. Plus I had some excellent guidance.

My supervisor in my MFT program saw her 9 kids thru adolescents. By the last two she had it figured out. She knew there had to be something for them to push up against.,needed to exasperate you and get you bent out of shape. What self respecting teen doesn't want to see their parent on the brink? So what she did was create something to make an issue out of. For the two girls it was leaving brushes in the kitchen. While it might be annoying, she took it to the nth degree just so the girls knew they were satisfying their need to stick it to mom. I have families all the time, so willing to accept everything about their teen for fear of alienating them with disapproval, that the kid has to go to near life threatening measures before the parents stand up and clearly say "NO". They need us to push back, they want us to.

So here's my dilemma. I brought my kids up purposefully not denying them of sweets or junk food. We didn't over do, but it was around. I wanted them to learn how to balance choices, and not covet it when they were allowed to pick their own foods as I did. (Check the last post for my financial references.) Sleepovers always included a tray of brownies. Their friends stop by when my kids aren't here, just to raid my pantry.

So here's the deal. #1 is newly into only health food. Damn it. It's been going on for a while now. We threw out his Easter candy right before Christmas, Last night he came into my room trying to sell me his candy from Christmas. He will only only eat healthy, did I say that? As in, "Mom, is this good for me?" "Damn Alex just eat it it won't kill you! Everything in moderation, you can have a piece of cake on your birthday for crying out loud." And to make matters worse, twiddlededee & twiddlededum are following in his footsteps. Salads for dinner, every night, protien, lowfat milk and vegetables.

So that's it. The gig is up. Any sugar in my household is my doing. I can no longer hide behind having these kids as my excuse. If you see me in Big Y or Caraluzzi's with cookies in the cart, they are not for the boys. You can give me that look, I deserve it.Could they think of a better way to stick it to me but to make me own up to my own sugar addiction? And like all teens, there is nothing purposeful, or with awareness, about their rebellion. It just so happens to point parents in the direction of self reflection, if parents choose to look. 

And I'm looking at the 6 boxes of girl scout cookies delivered to my house this past week, with apparently only my name on them. What a great opportunity to grow, just have to decide if it's going to be my hips or my self.

Taxi Log Sat Feb 26th

7 am - see first client
8 am - make N breakfast  drive to NYA for 9 am game
9 am- second client
10 am - wake other two, feed and drive to NYA for work outs
spend next 90 minutes running errands in car
12:00- pick up freshly sweating teens and take to posh Panara eatery while they fight the whole way there, getting #3 so upset he refuses to come in to eat with us until I tempt him with some mac & cheese lunch.

12:45 return home- throw laundry in
want desperately to lie down to sleep...
1:45  bring only gainfully employed child to job, pay a ridiculous amount of money to fill up the car with gas and return home

2:30...sneak in a little nap while #3 excitedly writes master piece story of an epic battle between pens & pencils.

4 pm... pick up gainfully employed child who asks to be returned to NYA to hang out with his crew, and asks for some money for food, while he tucks his earnings in the glove box.

Drop irresistibly brilliant child off at NYA -return home. Help #3 edit his masterpiece ( me help edit, now that's funny)

Start dinner for other children and field a request from #2 about dropping him off in SANDY HOOK ( might as well be Cape Cod) at 10 pm that evening after his buddy is done with his sporting events. I think I started to cry.

5:10- NYA- pick up #1 bring him to Middle School for his next game.
6:30 #1's friends have shown up at NMS, discusses evening plans. They are sleeping somewhere, maybe going to a movie.( Quite loosey goosey for young men without licenses). Bring #1 home for shower & nutritious dinner of 2 PB&J's - found out #2 is content to stay in for the evening with neighborhood friend ( yeah for neighborhoods!)
7:15 back to NYA so can catch up with his crew, who have yet to decide where they will be laying down their heads.

8 pm- pellet stove empty, only place to get pellets is over-priced local grocery store. While out I contact #1, who has now ascertained a sleeping dwelling, and better yet, one he is willing to walk to. A big part of me said, "Go pick up those boys, it's a busy road, and they are not wearing proper reflective clothing".
I told her to "just shut up" and went home.