Mantras

I deal with them all the time. So many of us run our lives by unaware mantras softly whispered in the back of our minds. So softly that we often can't hear them until faced with the silence of a therapist's office.  I am an escavator of those mantras, introjects as we call them in my field. Thoughts so firmly and deeply planted in our minds they form how we approach life. " I am worthless", " I don't count", " I am unlovable". I am on my current soapbox after just hanging up with a woman friend of mine. Great woman, well educated, beautiful, funny as all get out, loving mom. And she forgot.

She forgot all that she is. A bump in a relationship left her shroud in self doubt and feeling ugly and worthless. A bump. In a relationship hardly out of it's embriotic phase. We women need a swift kick in the arse sometimes. So we talked, & I got tough, (who lil' o me?). She said she needed to know where the relationship was at, he hasn't been as attentive the past few days as he was before she revealed something a little vulnerable about herself. He also told her he was heading into a very busy time with work and finishing up his post secondary education this week. I told her she was being a " girl". Groan ! we tend to get off balance too easily, look too much for their response to us,( forget we are also in a position of choosing) , think we must have done something wrong ( illussion of control) and frequently look for the meta message as opposed to taking a man at his word. "he was heading into a very busy time with work and finishing up his post secondary education this week."
 " But I need to know" she cried. So I got really tough- " All you need to know, all that all of us need to know,  all we can know, is we can handle whatever comes our way." There are no assurances in life, anyone we love may/ will disappoint us, betray us, leave us. But we can handle it. We are enough.

Physician heal thyself. And I have come along way. Leaving an abusive relationship, ( took years) picking myself up off the ground after loosing a huge love (again took years), wrestled with self doubt. Good thing life is a marathon, and not a sprint. Plenty of time to learn the lessons put in front of us and reap the benefits of peace and contentment. Yep that's it Peace & Contenment. No awards, financial gains, or infamy. It's really rather undramatic.

I expect I will take another turn around the self -doubt bend again before my life is over. But for now, I am firmly planted, I am enough, and so are you.

Parenting- not for wimps

I went to a parent seminar today, and ran into a high school friend. She admonished me immediately,  "Parenting sucks  why didn't you warn me!". I tried to be supportive, " yes it's hard" I said.
"No", she replied," It sucks., You told me giving birth was hard you didn't tell me parenting sucks!"

I had apparently called her ( my memory is what sucks) a week before she gave birth to her first and told her everything no one told me about giving birth.  But I know I have often said, "There is more opportunity for joy per minute from 0-6 yrs old than anytime thereafter", I reminded her of this, she said I never told her. I told her I was probably busy savoring the joy with my kids. LOL  But yep, now that hers' are a teen and pre-teen and mine are all teens, ( in 9 days) parenting is hard. Really HARD.

Luckily my scolding was cut short by the speaker. John Hamilton LMFT ( Like me yeah!) spoke about a whole host of parenting concepts, not the least of which is it is not about US. US as in the adults. Parenting is about our kids. He even gave us questions, a report card of sorts to ask our kids. ( more about that later) He  did say, "Suck it up, grown up, act like an adult and do what you are supposed to do. Be there for your kid, have their backs," and teach them how to be functional adults.  He did not say this should be fun for you ( that was those first 6 years,I swear) . As a matter of fact what he described sounded exhausting. Pay attention to our non-verbal as well as verbal messages, keep your emotions in check, don't over react, accept them where they are at, know when to get involved, when to let go, listen to them, allow them room to be who they are without our expectations weighing them down. Hold them accountable, lovingly. Be a positive role model for them and their friends. Get involved, but not overly  involved. You got to be a teenager once, now it is their turn. Catch them being good, let them know you caught them, be realistic, support them WHEW!!!!!

I got so much good info, ways of saying things, out of his lecture, that I cannot wait to share. Stay tuned!
And put the big girl panties on cause this mom thing, it is not for sissies.

just shut up

Oh I know it's not the kindest phrase, and in reality not one I use too much, if at all. I am far more likely to yell "Jimeny Crickets", much to the embarrassment of some, than the other popular JC phrase. There are times though, many times, that we as parents need to do just that. "Just shut up". With all do respect and reverence to the sacred and critical act of parenting. There are times we get in our own way. And make it worse. We have the power to make it much much worse.

My dear friend, and red tent buddy, Jane & I have joked for years that I should write a parenting book by that name. Not sure how many people would flock to pay to be insulted by that title.Then again the "For idiots" books sell well... I digress. I have seen very often in my practice and in life when parents are impeding the growth and development of our young with our own"stuff:", and that stuff often comes out spewed in moments of anger, frustration or disgust. Many times prolonging what should have been, could have been, a quick logical lesson for our offspring into a emotionally charged  & traumatic event,. Sometimes so much so that the original lesson is completely lost. It is, at these times, that I say to myself and to you, fellow traveler on the road to grand-parenthood, "Just Shut Up".
Prime example: A parent was having trouble getting the four year old to keep open the basement door. The cat litter box was kept on the steps to the basement and it was important for them to have access to their "potty". To make matters worse, the cats had adopted her large "wedding plant" as their substitute lu. This was a beautiful plant, the focal point of the entryway and significant to the parent in that the plant had been a wedding gift and was thriving, symbolically of the marriage. It was getting poisoned by the cats.  After dealing with this for a while, she was frustrated her reminders were not effective in helping her child remember what to do. So one rainy afternoon (we are all a little crankier in the rain aren't we?) she had had it. She went into her regular speech about how important it is to keep the door open, and the standard " How many times do I have to tell you..." ending with  "If I find you shut that door again, I am going to.. to---poop on you!"  That was a time, where " Just shut up" would have come in handy. All three of her kids got a bit wigged out by the statement.
We all do it.We take a simple message and send it down the river of anger which coats it with our own frustrated unresolved issues and dump it on the heads of the vulnerable and dependent. And if we all did it just a little less, the world would be a better place.  My mom had one, something she said when she was beyond frustrated " Don't come to my grave when I die, I will sit up and spit on you".  The images I remember floating around in my head after this statement as a 9 year old child. Oye!  Just not saying anything would have been a better option, or "Jimeny Crickets" could have worked. Recent studies suggest swearing when injured actually relieves pain. That would have been better. Although there is a difference between stubbing your toe and telling a kid to brush their teeth 15 times.
Years ago I adopted a phrase that sounds powerful but means very little, in Spanish, the only one I remember from Spanish class, that I would say that let the boys know I was nearing the end of my rope. It was never a put down to them or a threat. Just a statement that means "we only have a few strings left here on mom's rope.." I am going to hack it up trying to remember the phonetics 30 years later, but it was something like "Anque le mona se vista de seda, mona se queda." Translation, although the monkey wears a dress, it is still a monkey. Anyone who knows Spanish feel free to comment with editorial help. It means nothing really, but feels really good to say.

There are other times we parents need to "Just shut up", namely at our kids sporting events where we run the gambit from just mildly embarrassing them by calling them by their nickname,  (sorry panda), to getting  an entire group of spectators for the team thrown out of the gymnasium by our bad behavior ( that one was not me). Mother nature has a pretty good plan here, she teaches us from the birth of our children that we will be painfully letting of them from that moment on. We do not need to add to the pain with our own unresolved issues. We can maintain a level of dignity and respect for ourselves and our kids and "Just Shut Up."

And get therapy. :-)

Side effects of riding in cars with boys

There was loads of advice when I was a new mom or even during my pregnancy,  Folic acid, stay away from the fish, be sure to allow people to help you when you get home form the hospital, it makes everyone feel good. My Gram offered "Eat chocolate. ( like I have to be told that) It will make you thirsty so you will drink more water and produce more milk" Gotta love my Grandma.  Or my personal fav from my Great Aunt Rita " Do not cross your legs when you are pregnant, the baby won't be able to breath" Love those Italian Women!

But no one, and I mean no one mentioned the loss of bladder control. I will admit I was a bit perturbed that peeing on yourself after the birth of your child was not in any of the " What to Expect" books. That it would be completely impossible to make it to the bathroom and get situated before my bladder let loose.  And that it would take weeks to return to a condition under which I dare leave the house, or ingest fluids. I had a sister-in-law that gave birth 6 weeks before I did that failed to mention it. But I had the backs of my other two sisters-in-law who gave birth 3 and 5 weeks after me. I told them. Someone should benefit from my lesson. My own Mom did not mention it! And she did this 6 times! I have since told every pregnant woman I see and to be certain I will not keep this information from my own daughters-in-laws.

So here I am, almost 16 years after learning that first vital lesson. And now I find myself older, having had 2 more children, & 16 years worth of gravitational pull. I am now as good as any of Pavlov's dogs. All I have to do is see a toilet, I am done. My body doesn't seem to care if my pants are on or off. Sitting is purely optional as well. All I need is the visual cue. God help me if I ever need to go to a plumbing supply store. I have taken to walking into the bathroom with my eyes shut until I am "ready".I don't even have to have the slightest awareness that I may need to take care of business in the next twenty minutes. I could have just TCB'd a few minutes earlier. It does not matter. Kegals be damned as well!  Good thing I work out of my house and my downstairs powder room doubles as the laundry room, that's all I am saying.

I know I am not alone, which is why I am saying this out loud. We are not alone, none of us. I have a friend who had her women's plumbing put in a sling, a hammock of sorts, to gently ride out the second half of her life with a little more support and a lot less leaking. I am thinking if they are making bladder hammocks, there is cause for it. Perhaps this too should be shared during that last prenatal visit, or the 6 week post delivery check-up. That there is hope. That there exists a sort of outdoor furniture that can be placed inside your body for comfort and ease. I'd have signed up right away, when I had insurance to cover it.

There's another well kept secret too, I recently found out about. When you are done having kids, and you know you are done. You can have a procedure that destroys the lining of your uterus and there by eliminating YOUR PERIOD. And it takes 90 seconds! 90 seconds- no period ever again! No pills- nothing! Amazing.

We should educated the sisterhood. Take out a billboard on I-84. Only no pictures of a toilet on it PLEASE! Anybody with me?

My Red Tent

If you are a woman, The Red Tent by Anita Diamant is a must read. Just as " Are you there God, it's me Margaret?" spoke the universal language of girls confronted with their changing lives, The Red Tent speaks to our inner world, our strength , our sisterhood. It speaks to biblical times and the lives of women, how their own community provided support and strength when children were born or died, or due to a husband's betrayal. Women caring for women, much like we do today. It works.

I am fortunate enough to have many amazing women in my tent. Although biologically sister less, my sisters today provide comfort, strength, guidance and laughter ( and they never stole my favorite jeans in high school
or pulled my hair) I recently needed to activate my sister friends while I was in need. and without flinching, or eye rolling they were there, doing more than I had asked, naturally. Because that's what they do. I cannot thank them enough, but to be there in their tent when their time comes. And the time comes for all of us.

We are there for each other to comfort and console, to listen and laugh, to tell someone to put the big girl panties on, or to commiserate at the injustice of the system, the world, life. We love each other's kids, see the possibilities, motivate, encourage and cheer on. We bounce off ideas, situations, help with carpooling, medical advice, mirror advice, shopping. We bring meals, organize people, make things happen. That's what we do. We are women, we are life.

I am frequently faced with frustrated women in my practice who have not taken the time to develop their tent of women, who are angry at their husband's or boyfriends for not fulfilling the role. And we talk, cause that's what we women folk do, we talk about all the great things men do and who they are, and we talk about what they are not, namely, women. Their socialization process is very different from ours, and it serves as equally valuable a purpose, even if not convenient to our own.  So it is up to us to make sure we have women in our tent, and equally important that we are in, and useful in the tent of others.

I see it with my mom and her friends, most divorced or widowed, in the autumn of their lives. They makes plan to go to the city together, if someone is on an errand to an unfamiliar destination, she finds a side kick to go with her. They have monthly gatherings to check in and daily talks to weave the web of connection. I worry less about her because I know she has them, as I am sure my boys worry less about me because they know of my strong and stable network of amazing women who support me.

So thank you all, and you know who you are, for being there for me. For picking me up, for making me laugh, for feeding me and cleaning up around me, for caring for and about my boys. Thank you for your love.

Mothering

It is my utmost pleasure to be mothering three terrific and a few part-time boys. I grew up with 5 brothers and often notice while I am driving with my sons, I am again surrounded by 5 males, sometimes more.

As a family therapist I am fascinated by familial patterns and our unconscious abilities to recreate our families of origin with those around us. I am equally pleased with my ability to also be different, in the here and now, with my own kids, and the off-spring of others. My house is the fun house, the house of plenty, plenty of Oreos, of  ice cream, of time for the kids, of laughter and advise, of respect and responsibility,  and of love. And that was what I had always wanted it to be.

My reasons for this blog are two-fold, one is, as a single mom I have no one particular person witnessing my life. Plenty of friends and dear people who have been  very intimately involved for periods of time, with whom memories are made and shared and treasured. But there is no one constant who will remember. This blog is my living journal of my parenting of my three sons.And you kind reader, if you please, shall be my witness. My second reason is because in my own psychotherapy practice I have been asked to share parenting knowledge, advice, and to write about topics we share in common and perhaps are not comfortable sharing in person, out loud, where we feel vulnerable. And alone.

 But we are not alone. I believe in  the Breakfast Club. I believe superficiality separates us.I believe fear and shame separate us. And I know loneliness is a plague,  with side effects of depression and anxiety.  I also know, "We are not alone, cause when you cut down to the bone, we're really not so different after all".

It is my hope reading this will also help someone feel less alone. Even if that someone is me sometimes.:-)
A huge thank you to Kate Mayer for helping me set this up after months of sitting on the title page! Check out Kate's blog at returntoworkmom.blogspot.com