These M & M's aren't good for you either 

So I understand I am "old", and just like parents of the 50's were concerned about Elvis and his gyrating pelvis, I have concern about my children and what they listen to. I played Raffi, and classical music in the background while they were growing up. When we wanted to rock out, the Wiggles were there for us to dance party to. "Hip Hop Noel" was a favorite from Disney at the holidays.

I have not liked, but have tolerated, to a point( three swear words and the son must be changed, sometimes we don't make it thru the first stanza) my very white, a little preppy, health conscious and academically responsible boys' affinity for Hip Hop & Rap. I even went so far as to take one of them & their friends to a concert. But what I heard yesterday just threw me over the edge. It did.

When the boys were young we often sang the duet of  Carly Simon & James Taylors' " Mocking Bird" when I was putting them to bed. It was fun, and a good memory. Some nights when we had more time we played a game where they would throw out a word and I would sing a song that had that word in it. That was pretty cool as well. Until, well #2, always a precocious child,one night he threw out  "Testicles" ( we were anatomy appropriate in my house no "gaslapogus", or "vajay jee" for us)  & I had to admit defeat. I knew of no song, nor did I ever care to know of a song, that contained the word testicles. it's not melodic

So we are driving yesterday and he puts on his rap crap and I hear the word "vagina"  in a song, yep, "Vagina"  Are you kidding me? There are not enough words in the English language to use we now have to use basic anatomy words for songs? Are we singing about ovaries yet? How about a pancreas?

What gets me more then this, is what does the future hold? The sexual innuendos of my youth : "Afternoon Delight" prove too cryptically challenging to figure out for today's youth? They have to have it spelled  out with directions of what to put where and details on how things work? What sounds to anticipate and where to leave your number as you leave? Am I being old?

And most importantly, What the heck are my grandchildren going to listen to?

Things you can count on

So I had a rare opportunity of spending some time with Bev Jean tonight. Michael was " graduating", I use the term loosely, from 8th grade. And true to my word, I would go if he wanted to go. As mom & I are heading over to the campus, she confidently tells me this is the month I will meet " Someone". You know the "someone" the friends & family of a single person hope for for the single person. And the "Someone" a single person hopes will be funny, and love their kids and be a good guy, a really good guy. So Mom said I will meet this someone in an unusual place, and she encouraged me to go to the Unitarian Church I have been talking about checking out. I said, " Cool" and got to preoccupied with her heavy breathing and holding up people behind us while walking to the ceremony, to worry more about men in unusual places.

While in the ceremony Mom was comparing it to my niece's ceremony that she had attended last week. She commented on what I should do the " next" time I attend an 8th grade graduation. I reminded her that this was my last child. She smiled at me and said, " you never know, you might get your girl". I am sure my face was a bit screwed up at that suggestion. I reminded her (I seem to remind her of things a lot), that I am 46 and my child bearing years were probably behind me, despite of my heart's willingness. I did a quick calculation, I don;t want to be 66 at a graduation. She just smiled and said" You never know".

As we were leaving the ceremony I allowed my curiosity over my mother's confident assertions to
be voice. My mom spends a good deal of time talking to relatives who have passed, & wrapping my kids, and I am sure myself, in Angels, and she's a daily parishioner at ST Greg's, so I thought maybe there was some divine communication she was operating off of. So I said, " Mom, where are you getting this information about me meeting someone from?"  " TV Guide" is her response.

" TV Guide horoscope" She cautioned me it wasn't in effect until the 22nd.  I laughed, come on you would laugh too!

Then I thought about it. TV Guide does accurately predict what is on TV 24 hours a day 7 days a week, maybe it's as good as any. Or maybe the confidence, if you can call it that, from her confidence, will project to the universe and Voila!  He will be here.....Of course, you will be the first to know! After TV Guide that is.

Bitterness Warning HIGH!!! Don't read if you can't handle honesty

So many years ago, when I was in a better financial situation than today, someone who I have been friends with since early childhood was in a very tough spot. She was faced with loosing her home to foreclosure. Against my attorney's suggestion, I loaned her over 20K, yep, 20K. It kept her kids in their home, and she promised to pay it back within 3 years.

5 years later, she had a new car, new carpeting, a running pool , an entire new wardrobe and new furniture, actively donated to causes that gave her good exposure and I had nothing. I had heard rumors from other people that she was shady when it came to money, stories of stiffed carpet companies, and questions about her integrity in caring for a family member. But I lead with the heart and I believed her when she talked about how important our friendship was.
My friends were furious at me for being a patsy. I made as many excuses for her as she did at  times. While she took her kids out for dinner, bought ball gowns, sent out the Christmas photo cards each year, she gave me zip. She started paying, a little , sometimes, when she felt like it. But by then I had had enough. I needed to look at the patterns of picking people who were abusive, and not speaking up until the relationship was too far gone. I had to severe all ties to get any kind of regular payment, and even that, after having the numbers run, was equating to $15 per month off of principle.
God do I feel like an idiot.

Fast forward a year, roughly  $170 from the original loan has been payed back. Her current arrangement ( that she is willing to do) is $35 per week, except when it doesn't come in each week. Like it hasn't for the past 5 weeks. She is full of excuses and not "understanding" how it keeps happening. I don't know, but she was the person who turned me on to on-line banking 8 years ago. I have never had the type of issues she has been having with her bank. Oh yeah, except it's my bank too, sooooo

So tonight, after once again getting no money from her, when she texted me that she ran into my children out having dinner, and I didn't take well to her complimenting how good they look, ( I need money from her, not her opinion of my children's good looks) I was told I was "bitter."

I'm working two jobs & on weekends because she has not paid me back, yeah I am bitter. If I had that money, I would not be bitter. I would not ever be friends with her again, as she is unscrupulous, selfish, dishonest and lacks integrity. Oh but she doesn't want me questioning her decisions, or lack of commitment to repaying the loan,  that kind of stuff cause it makes her feel bad.
The last thing you want to do to a person who takes advantage of a friendship, and does not honor their responsibilities is make them feel bad about themselves.
Yes it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth:
So I googled it :
A lack of, or change in, taste often occurs when something interferes with the normal taste process.

THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. THE NORMAL PROCESS WOULD HAVE BEEN TO HONOR THE GIFT I GAVE AND PAY IT BACK IN TIME AND FORGO PERSONAL WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
The wonderful woman I wrote about it my last blog once said "No good deed goes unpunished" How right she was.

There's another star in the sky tonight

One of the ten most important women in my life passed away. She suffered for a long time, and lived a long full life, yet I ache.

I was told about her before I met her. I was told, " If you want to be a great therapist, you go to Southern." Tales of the tough, no nonsense program director spread like any good gossip, and created a charged atmosphere that I am pretty sure she enjoyed. I was 22 when I went for the interview, with her grad assistant, not with her, but she had to maneuver around the chair near the grad assistant's desk where I was. After the third maneuver, she looked at me and said, "You are in my way!" I was shocked, (it was their set up) and amused, and scared. I am pretty sure I spent the next four years, as my respect and admiration for her grew, vacillating between those emotions.
 Barbara sparkled. When she was pleased or excited, like if someone replenished the fireballs, she sparkled. When you "got" a concept you had struggled with, she sparkled, or she walked away to let you absorb it without your ego needing her admiration.

She challenged me, she spoke the truth. She supported me. She showed me options I did not know existed. She taught me a math game to help keep minds sharp, and was hers ever! She was funny. She delighted me with stories of child rearing, I felt like I had a glimpse of Divine getting to listen to her. She cared about people, and worked for the children, and the children's children.

I remember after one of my last one way mirror sessions ( I'm the therapist with the couple on one side, a group of students & Barbara on the other), we would follow up with brief supervision meetings. I was nervous, as I always was with Barbara behind the one way, she could require you to justify why you did anything you did in session. She walked away & said, " I have nothing to say." I was confused, oh yeah, I spent a good deal of time confused, just one of many spots on the road to growth. Pats on the back were not handed out, but not needing to go over a session, that was about as good as it got, (I was told by a more experienced student.) I had spent four years challenged, confronted, supported and respected. & I had the time of my life.
After I graduated, I was able  to have Barbara continue to supervise me. It was such a blessing. She was this first person I told I was pregnant, and the one I told about my ambivalence of being pregnant.  She responded," I expect nothing but complete honesty from you, you are incapable of anything else. Most women would not want to admit that." And after 28 years of being told I was supposed to be " Nice" Barbara, indirectly,  helped me find my inner bitch, and assured me every woman should have control over hers as a very necessary part of oneself. She met my boys, I know they will never remember, I wanted her to see them. And them to be near the woman who made me a better mother than I could have ever hoped to be without knowing her.
After I stopped working I kept in touch via Christmas cards & emails. And a yearly thank you note I would send after I attended yet another conference that taught me just how much she already taught me. She was always there when I needed words of wisdom, support or  a reality check. She seemed to always be there at challenging times of my life. She read a tribute I wrote about my grandmother after she passed away, and said, she can only hope someone would have such wonderful things to say about her at her time. I can't hope to effect the thousand's of people Barbara's life effected, but I will try for hundreds, in her honor.
And last Thursday, when my 8 am client said about a challenging conversation, " & I heard your voice in my head". I smile knowingly. I am blessed to have Barbara's voice in my head, I hope to have a spec of her wisdom in my brain, and a portion of her ability to love in my heart. And when I am feeling a little sloppy as therapist, I pretend I have to justify my every move to her, and she makes me a better person.

Calling Red Tenters

I know a lot of you read this, but don't follow it or comment on it. Good thing there is a counter & I know close to 8000 reader's have checked out what I write. My brother's would assume I keep reading myself over & over again to drive up the numbers. But I know you are out there, so I  am looking for help, and it was too much to put in a comment on Facebook.
A dear friend of mine, after 18 years of raising her son, told me , upon the moment of release at college, "I had nothing, 18 years of raising him; this is the moment, sending him off to the world, & I was blank. So I hugged him and said, "Be good". " BE GOOD! that's all I could come up with. Then I cried the whole way home."
Ice ran through my veins. I've already imagined Nick driving and Michael keeping me in constant supply of puffs as we drive back from the drop off, but I hadn't considered the " MOMENT". I don't have a lot of Momisms for the kids to live by. There's not gonna be " My momma always said.." except for a favorite spanish idiom that the kids swear does not mean what I told them it meant. " Aunque le mone se vista de seda, mona se queda". It is a huge stress reliever when said with real emotion, even if it means nothing.
I decided I am going to prepare. I am going to give that highly charged emotional moment its proper due.So I am going to thank him for the ride. And I have decided there's not just one comment I can leave him with, so I am making a full calendar for him. If your mom or dad gave you a gem of wisdom, please leave the comment for me, I plan on filling everyday in his freshman year.

Jane's been sending me some. Please add your thoughts!

WWYD?

So this whole it takes a village thing. I love it, I believe in it, and I am wondering to what extent it goes. What would you do?

One of my son's friends was given alcohol, which he showed to my son. OK, I am going light , he brought it, with my son's permission, over. Luckily they decided not to partake & were discovered, cause my kids are pretty bad at being bad. His father & I handled our son, and after my encouragement, his father made sure the other family was made aware of their child's actions. I would want to know.

Dear Newtownians,
     If you see any of the Roche children step over the line, feel free to both reprimand them,  & then PLEASE call me.

Thanks,
Cathy

But what about the older teen who gave my son's friend the alcohol. I want that name. I want his/her parents to know. I want to assume, they would want to know that their kid gave alcohol to a 14 year old.
My son's friend is clammed up, but he'll want to come over sooner or later and he will have to look me in the eye, I'm thinking I can get it out of him, but should I?

If I don't I feel like I am part of the turn your head & look the other way society. If I do.....I risk being seen as an even worse "that Mom" than the kids already see me as. & rippled social effects on my kids.

Thoughts???
Sorry no pictures, not feel it tonight.

Wonders of the world

 I had to go all the way to Puerto Rico to get back into my blog. For some reason in CT I have been locked out.. I apparently had to go all the way to Puerto Rico to see Nick willingly read a book, Alex cuddle Michael, and some other wonders of the world!

This has simply been one of the best vacations of my life. Except for the sibling rivalry which apparently came with our carry-ons, and started on the the plane when #3 did not get the window seat he wanted. & #1&#2 thought he was fair game to use as their joint pillow. Luckily my ditziness tends to keep their focus elsewhere ( like their own personal safety) most of the time. This trip started with me misplacing my car keys in the JFK parking lot at 4:30 in the morning. We dumped every bag I handled in order to find them. Which made us late, way late like, as the nice flight attendant said to me as I ran onto the place " You almost lost your seat", I glanced back to a family of four eying me like hyenas at the watering hole. The door shut behind my rushing ass. not a good sign.
But we got here and packed so much into a week. When my kids were little I was discouraged that they did not enjoy the beach as I did, well, no longer true. Yeah! And we hiked ( and they didn't complain) 45 minutes straight up ( and they didn't complain) and they saved Michael from non fatal or potential drowning, yet they reached out their arms to him, and that counts as something. And we Zip lined, and saw Flamenco dancers, we did not died in a car accident, which is nothing short of a miracle they way these people drive.
We kayaked, in the dark, with only glow bracelets showing the way, under trees with thick branches jutting out, and we didn't kill each other. And my kids saw family dynamics first hand in our fellow passengers, and had thoughful comments " Why would you spend the money to do something like this drunk out of your head? What a waste of money, they won't even remember it!"
And the stoic Alex talked a lot, and smile, and sang & for a little while I had my boy back, before school takes him away, and then college really takes him away. & they walked with their arms around me, and we had conversations about politics and morals, and health & sexuality ( & once again I am saying Newtown School system, you give them too much information when they are too young to process it!, by virtue of the conversation he had at dinner the other night.)
And then there was the best line of the week, as I missed the exit to our hotel and was struggling to find our way back. Nick says" Oh I recognize this place!" " You do? I ask, hopefully. " Yeah," he says, " it's called Lost, we've been here a thousand times before."
And while I missed my friends and was at times frustrated with the boys, I am sure when I am away with my friends in a few weeks, I will wish my boys were with me again.