Momma said there'd be days like these

As Adele pointed out to me earlier in the week, some of my "problems" are not bad problems to have. Nonetheless they are mine, and this week has been especially riddled with them, starting with my 5th bout of Poison Ivy of the summer. My favorite season & my fauna enemy. I buckled this morning & called my DR for steriods, & pondered about how inexpensive this drug is. They really should mark this sucker up if they want to make some money. Between the asthmatics, poison ivy sufferers and gym rats I am seeing an untapped potential.  While this is annoying and tends to make me in a cruddy mood all week, I also dropped the ball, or didn't notice my youngest's struggle.

#3 & I spent 2 1/2 hours filling in his map of Europe on Labor Day, & what Labor it was. He complained " this is impossible" and putting 40 names into a map on standard paper in the appropriate places was very difficult, plus, he can't write legible at standard size let alone microscopic. It was pushing jello up a hill, and he was frustrated and angry and I was a bit grouchy myself. I haven't worked on homework with my kids since the house Alex & I made for Mr Ramsey's class in 7th grade fell to the floor as we walked in to school. But I was there walking him through it. Then Wednesday he came home needing to label and color another 8 1/2 by 11 piece of paper with Ancient Greek cities etc. Once again, he was frustrated and struggled & complained about how hard it was. I took over the writing so he would be able to read it later, but it was truly an act of tenaciousness. Then I went on power school and saw he was quizzed on the first map and did poorly. It dawned on me at that moment, he wasn't complaining, he was telling me. So I told the teacher, ( or reminded her again) about his 504 plan and if she wanted him to learn where these places were located he would & could, but to be required to do the fine motor skilled things he is required to do, well that was too much. She was great and we have a new plan going forward, but I dropped the ball & didn't listen to him. That 2 1/2 hours should never have happened.

Then my computer died, and one is already on life support.

Then I get daily pressure from my high schoolers (3) about getting iPhones because all their teachers will only be communicating via twitter, and morning announcements will also be tweets. Sure the school's website says in bold letters "you do not need a smart phone to follow our tweets", one suggestion they had was to go to a public library to look up the daily notices,~ yeah that's practical for a working family. My mortgage went up $10 a month, I didn't get a raise or anything, the town wants more, and wants to add pressure for me to spend another 1000 per year?
Clients adjusting to the new school schedule cancelled, the new computer is not staying connected to the network. #1 referred to me as a hag on day, not even able to process that yet. There was no malice in his tone, it was rather matter of fact. And to top it off I am pretty sure the three computer generated people I play Hearts with are actually friends because they seem to work together quite a bit. Although I did just shoot the moon on them ( take that Ramion, Latina & Jerguen!) So things are looking up. This too shall pass. and as Adele said, there are worse problems to have.

Hope you and yours are having a gentler itch free week!

That don't impress me much

A conversation I had with a teen aged client has made me reflect on my own cynicism, or lack of adoration. I will admit I never " got " the people who sent presents, or cards to celebrities they did not know, nor will ever know. The only fan club I was ever in was the "Trixie Belden Fan Club", a series of mystery books I loved in my pre-teen days. I think I received a monthly newsletter with puzzles and beauty tips in it. I liked getting mail. I still do. But celebrities, they don't impress me much.

This client, who talks about how he was shaking uncontrollable when he was hanging out with a rap star,( the name escapes me, a bunch of letters that don't sound like a real name if I recall correctly). I asked him , " Why? what about this stranger who you spent a few hours with, then both went on your merry way makes you nervous and giddy? "He turned the tables, teenagers are good at that.  He said,  you mean if Beyonce walked in here you would just be like " hey Beyonce". I said, " Well no, I would most likely not recognize her". I am sure I disappointed him. " Then I mentioned her small baby and wondered who was taking care of it, Blue, right? Is that a boys or a girl?

I was nervous once, of "big" people. I think I wrote about it, and my mother's great leveling tactic that made it easy to not see people as above or below me. Don't get me wrong, I was out of my skin when I met my babies, and every so often now an overpowering feeling occurs when I see them or we have a specifically poignant interaction. Or when on a date with someone I have a serious crush on, I can get giddy and girly. But not a celebrity.

I have a client who is a cardio-surgeon, he impresses me. Fire fighters, soldiers, National Guardsman, they impress me. The Duggars, that mom impresses me. She seems so calm and organized & I had once fantasized about home schooling my kids. Hats off to her, of whatever we see on camera ( I watch so little I don't even know her name tee-hee) Mom's who are at wits end. but hold it together impress me. Dad's who know the best thing to do for your children is love their mother ( that's love the verb), they impress me.

But I cannot work myself up to a swoon or shakes over a celebrity. I was next to a red carpet once, have grainy pictures of Henry Winkler, Chevy Chase and the girl from Lace, I was 21 and in Hollywood, not sure I swooned, it was much like going to the zoo. I think I need to figure out how to impress myself, maybe that is part of the problem. I'm gonna go work on that.

Negotiating Freedom

I had the pleasure of the company of my 17 year old for 26 hours a few days ago. We went on an overnight ride down to look at a few colleges in VA. I also had the pleasure of once again getting a parental evaluation from him. Aside from being banned from all sporting events that he plays in for over a year, and the prerequisite " you don't get it mom" that I hear weekly, this time I was criticized for sheltering them too much.  This from a young man who leaves home on a Friday morning, and unless he has a lot of homework, I generally don't see him til dinner on Sunday as he hops around with his friends.

He was comparing our family with his friends,and granted the fact that both myself and his father own our own businesses gives us better flexibility than most people. I work my schedule around what they need, and certainly being divorced, I do my socializing when the kids are with their dad, and I suspect he does the same. So when they are with either of us, we are generally there ( apparently that is specifically annoying) He surmised that the kids whose parents are less available will be better able to adjust to real life. He suggested I do too much for them. okay, I'm game.

I asked if he was ready to start doing his own laundry. To which he replied, " Mom, I have 5 AP classes this year. With working out and homework , how can I do that?" I said, " Okay I would rather you focus on school work anyway." Then I threw out another idea." How about you wake yourself up in the morning, make your own breakfast & lunch so I can work out first thing."  " NO, not that" ,he says,"I have to get up soo early and there's no way I can be that organized first thing in the morning." "Oh, okay sooo you want me to back off, but do everything for you?" " I can make my own lunch on the weekends, " he offers.
 I have to admit, I do worry about him, a year from now , without me to point out you may have to move the milk to find they ketchup in the fridge, or to put down the lid of the washing machine if you want it to clean our clothes. Luckily it seems these colleges hold their hands in some ways, sounds like the food choices are plentiful, he will find the gym immediately, and there are advisers available. yeah he will be okay. Even after being ruined by an over-protective parent like me.

Lessons from mother nature

Check out this great MSN video - Bear Cubs Rescued From Dumpster

I will admit, may have already admitted this, when the boys were babies, I watched animal planet a lot. I figured they have been doing this parenting thing for a long time without the need for prescription meds, therapists, and a juvenile court system. So, I turned in and paid attention.

Certainly three boys can appear like bear cubs. My family room cushions were on the floor more than they were on the couches, clothing was optional a good deal of the time, affectionate wrestling , warrior yells and pretending were all common occurrences. I think, for the most part, so far Mother Nature was a good mentor.
So I watched this video, and was reminded of some of the basic tenets I  embarrassed when they were small. Don't do things for them they can do for themselves. Sometimes you have to stand nearby pacing and watch them struggle. Help can come from unexpected places, be open to it. Never turn your back on danger. As soon as the strongest is safe, start leading again, your movement will send a message to the weaker ones that you expect they can handle it. Trust that deep down inside, despite their adolescent stubbornness, they know they should follow you because you are wise, you are strong , you are the momma bear.

Alex had his senior pictures yesterday. I cried ( not a big cry, teary that's all), he said " Stop it". :-)

She keeps teaching

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."` Emerson This poem was used as part of the eulogy for my Supervisor Jane Lobdell. You would have thought it was written about her. I aspire to have it be true about me as well. Thank you Jane for guiding me, even after you've passed.

The tough job of being an adult

*I wrote this in the week leading up to the last game, a game they played hard but ultimately did not win. That fact does not change the points in this, what is likely to be, an unpopular post.

Decisions decisions. So much of parenting is about decisions making, Breast or bottle?, time outs or distraction? pre-school? Montessori? Force them to wear hats & gloves or let them learn what cold feels like?
I made my life somewhat easier in that the boys mostly make my decisions for me, by their behavior. Early on I realized the power of natural consequences, and luckily for all of us, they do their homework, chores, get the good grades, so I rarely have to say "No " to anything.
Now I am faced with a decision I resent having to make. My 8th graders' football team is doing really well. One win away from being invited to the National Championships in Florida. Kudos to them, they work hard. And this is my problem, what adult or group of adults felt that 8th graders NEED a National Championship? What group of football lovers thought 13 year old's time is better spent, out of school, playing football, at great  financial expense to the adults in their lives? And for what? An Uncle Rico moment of reliving what they had when they were 13?
These boys, from Newtown CT, are most likely NOT going to the NFL. We have some talented players, don't get me wrong. I am sure more than one football scholarship is in the making on this team. But is this extravagance necessary? Can't we have 50 state winners? Where has youth sports lost all perspective?
My son is not one of scholarship eligible, but I am confident I would feel the same if he got in more than his 4-6 plays a game. It's football- not brain surgery. I hate that some group of adults have made a decision that forces me to make a decision of having him participate in something I do not believe in.
I grew up with football. All 5 of my brothers played for all or most of their childhood & high school years. Heck, I was the mascot for my high school team when I was a senior. I understand the game, I enjoy watching it. My brother, a former football star in his own right, also thinks youth sports has lost all perspective, feels my son should go, even though he is likely to get in only 8 plays, because he is part of a team.
I won't go, I cannot lose a weeks worth of clients in between Thanksgiving and the Christmas holiday. But that doesn't mean he can't go, his dad may take him, or he can be sent with another family on the team, both of which makes me feel like crap. Certainly to fly down for the final game is cost prohibitive and ridiculous. Why do we adults do this to each other & to our children?
I am assured it will be fun. I am a big lover of the fun. Aargh.....
Why do we amp up the ridiculous? I remember hearing a dad justifying travel baseball, where you have to spend weekends at hotels, as necessary for the kids to learn how to travel. Are you kidding me? And what is the effect on the child? I get complaints all the time from parents that kids "these days" have no perspective. Well gee, when  athletically blessed kids get to take a week off of school to stay in hotels to play a few games, what can we expect of them?
To make matters worse, an elaborate plan of basically begging for money at churches and companies was quickly being put into play,(if we won). I was embarassed that it was being asked of the kids. There are families out of work, for years, families in need of food , heat, clothes,the Holidays are coming and we are going to set out 35 boys at ask for support so they can go on a trip to Florida, to play football ? Really? And the KIDS have lost perspective?

These M & M's aren't good for you either 

So I understand I am "old", and just like parents of the 50's were concerned about Elvis and his gyrating pelvis, I have concern about my children and what they listen to. I played Raffi, and classical music in the background while they were growing up. When we wanted to rock out, the Wiggles were there for us to dance party to. "Hip Hop Noel" was a favorite from Disney at the holidays.

I have not liked, but have tolerated, to a point( three swear words and the son must be changed, sometimes we don't make it thru the first stanza) my very white, a little preppy, health conscious and academically responsible boys' affinity for Hip Hop & Rap. I even went so far as to take one of them & their friends to a concert. But what I heard yesterday just threw me over the edge. It did.

When the boys were young we often sang the duet of  Carly Simon & James Taylors' " Mocking Bird" when I was putting them to bed. It was fun, and a good memory. Some nights when we had more time we played a game where they would throw out a word and I would sing a song that had that word in it. That was pretty cool as well. Until, well #2, always a precocious child,one night he threw out  "Testicles" ( we were anatomy appropriate in my house no "gaslapogus", or "vajay jee" for us)  & I had to admit defeat. I knew of no song, nor did I ever care to know of a song, that contained the word testicles. it's not melodic

So we are driving yesterday and he puts on his rap crap and I hear the word "vagina"  in a song, yep, "Vagina"  Are you kidding me? There are not enough words in the English language to use we now have to use basic anatomy words for songs? Are we singing about ovaries yet? How about a pancreas?

What gets me more then this, is what does the future hold? The sexual innuendos of my youth : "Afternoon Delight" prove too cryptically challenging to figure out for today's youth? They have to have it spelled  out with directions of what to put where and details on how things work? What sounds to anticipate and where to leave your number as you leave? Am I being old?

And most importantly, What the heck are my grandchildren going to listen to?