Firsts!

Okay, I'm gonna say it. It's weird I know but I had a first last week. While we were battening down the hatches, & I was arguing with my 17 year old that " NO, there will be no driving to a friends house in the midst of a hurricane, and OKay call me crazy! " . I had my very first, legend had preceded it, my very first, celebrated & nutty.. Hot Flash!

I was in the kitchen cooking something for someone ( how strange) and all of a sudden, I said to the waiting bellies in front of me, " Is anyone hot?". Now if you know me and have been at my house you know Heat does not happen here. My house is all electric so keep a sweatshirt on. But out of nowhere, I was HOT! When the teens all assured me they were comfortable and maybe a bit chilly ( put on another sweatshirt) , I was standing in the kitchen sweating. Beads of sweat on my forehead, no lie. & I laughed. My kids looked at me strangely, wondering out loud if I was crazy because they thought it was something women were upset about. I think, after knowing me for all these years, asked = answered. Anyway I don't know why I was thrilled in this moment. Perhaps it's just a matter of crossing the threshold into a club. I have heard many of my friends talk about Hot Flashes, & I can laugh with them at the stories of stripping down to their skivvies in moments, or being the one in the bed who is hot instead of running cold. But now I was a member. I had my own experience, well just one to date.. but in a week of being displaced, frustrated, cranky with the superintendent and ring leader of an out of town excursion with 4 teen aged boys, I was also connected to womanhood in all it's phases.

That is something to celebrate!

What is happening out there?

In the last two weeks three females, that we know of, have gone missing and were found dead. At the hands of males, and worse 2 of them were killed by teenagers. What are we doing wrong?
My stomach sickens at the thought of this. I guess we could easily assume we are dealing with sociopaths, it seems like a statistical anomaly to have that many in this short of a time. Is there something more?
What are the seeds of misogyny? How do we show the lack of value in human life time and time again such that these children, the ages of my children, can commit these mind crushing acts?

My 17 year old spent last night filling out his last college application , my 16 year old spent the better part of an hour working on his boy band Halloween costume for a party he is going to this weekend. The thought of them spending a moment of their lives extinguishing the life of another is unfathomable.
But these three teens, charged with, confessing to, their horrific crimes, were too once little boys who worked on the Halloween costumes, who picked flowers , dandelions, for their moms at one point in time. who watch their dad's across the dinner table. Where did they veer of course. I read the parents turned the boys in, kudos to them for taking that hard step. Were there other hard steps they have taken? Was it a relief to have their kids out of their homes? Why am I not hearing more public out cry that these are teenagers TEENAGERS! Killing little girls?

I have heard some feedback, " keep your kids inside", " they should not be allowed to ride their bikes". My own son has said he wished he was born at the time of life I was, when he father would take off with his friends for day long bikes rides 15 miles from his home, or my brothers & I would venture off into the woods behind our house until the street lights came on. I get the  " what" of what we are loosing. I do not get the " Why" and can somthing be done about it?

Will" going outside to play", be something my grandchildren see on old movies?

Mistakes were made, by me

I was playing a therapeutic game with a client the other day. He picked a card asking him to express the biggest mistake in his life. He's 9. As he pondered his " mistake" I was flooded with all MY mistakes and had to shake my head at trying to decipher the biggest one.

Clearly not thinking the physics thing through, leaving my 3 month old on a hammock while I planned to mow the lawn is up there. My stupidity hit me in time to turn around and see him slide onto the long, soft grass. That was one of the first ones that flooded my mind. No grass mowing for a while.
Then there are the car accidents, none severe, but moments of taking my eyes off the road, to reprimand a child, take a sip of a drink, could have been much worse.


After the session I spent some time thinking over my list. The above aside, most of my mistakes have come from succumbing to my fear instead of living large. The first house I lived in in Newtown was amazing, but after the divorce I was overwhelmed by the 36 entrances & exits on the first floor and being a single mom, so I moved. That's a regret. It had a prefect set up for my office, and a pool. Ah Well.

Holding on to people or things too long, allowing myself to get treated poorly or accept less than I deserve for fear of being alone, in both love and friendship.

Things I wish I had had the self control to hold my tongue instead of saying, but many more things I wish I had had the guts to say in the moment.

I see over and over life is full of choices, some of which will be mistakes. And at 46 sometimes I wish I didn't have to be the one making those choices, but I am, by choice and not mistake.

What I apparently need to learn, is live a little larger.
Oh my client, his was singing loudly the wrong words to a song. To be young again...

If you have nothing nice to say...

I've been quiet on here. I know. Funny stories are down, difficulties are up. I know, believe me, I am alive to bitch another day, ultimately it's a good thing. Nonetheless, I've been in a mood. For a while. Have done things I have never done before, not in a good exploratory way. No adventures except to the dark side.

I know where it's coming from, I know what it is all about. I wouldn't be a decent therapist if I couldn't;t do my own self discovery. I am not depressed, been there done that, for a number of years before I finally decided to get a divorce. This is different. But I am still crying a lot, well a lot for me. I save my crying for Kodak commercials, movies where children get hurt and the death of people I love. But now I am crying about 9/11, Lybia, Alex leaving, Alex being a jerk to me while he is here, my mistrust of financial institutions, my uncertainty of what else I want to do with my life, IFS training, DARC training, Montessori school training, Recreational Therapist certification??? I don't know! Nothing is popping out at me which leaves me sitting in uncertainty. Which is draining.

I realized today the last time I was this uncertain I found solace at the gym. Having someone tell me to do for an hour a day eased my mind, and I ended up a size four... So perhaps I do know my next step. and perhaps that step will lead me to the next. If not, I will at least feel a little more like I am giving gravity & mother nature a bit of a fight. Until then, I suggest if you see me, just nod & give me space, I'm not fun to be around.
I am not looking for sympathy. I am well aware it is only by going through these trying time that we appreciate the good, and learn & grow. It is only with the irritant of the sand that they oyster produces the pearl.

Momma said there'd be days like these

As Adele pointed out to me earlier in the week, some of my "problems" are not bad problems to have. Nonetheless they are mine, and this week has been especially riddled with them, starting with my 5th bout of Poison Ivy of the summer. My favorite season & my fauna enemy. I buckled this morning & called my DR for steriods, & pondered about how inexpensive this drug is. They really should mark this sucker up if they want to make some money. Between the asthmatics, poison ivy sufferers and gym rats I am seeing an untapped potential.  While this is annoying and tends to make me in a cruddy mood all week, I also dropped the ball, or didn't notice my youngest's struggle.

#3 & I spent 2 1/2 hours filling in his map of Europe on Labor Day, & what Labor it was. He complained " this is impossible" and putting 40 names into a map on standard paper in the appropriate places was very difficult, plus, he can't write legible at standard size let alone microscopic. It was pushing jello up a hill, and he was frustrated and angry and I was a bit grouchy myself. I haven't worked on homework with my kids since the house Alex & I made for Mr Ramsey's class in 7th grade fell to the floor as we walked in to school. But I was there walking him through it. Then Wednesday he came home needing to label and color another 8 1/2 by 11 piece of paper with Ancient Greek cities etc. Once again, he was frustrated and struggled & complained about how hard it was. I took over the writing so he would be able to read it later, but it was truly an act of tenaciousness. Then I went on power school and saw he was quizzed on the first map and did poorly. It dawned on me at that moment, he wasn't complaining, he was telling me. So I told the teacher, ( or reminded her again) about his 504 plan and if she wanted him to learn where these places were located he would & could, but to be required to do the fine motor skilled things he is required to do, well that was too much. She was great and we have a new plan going forward, but I dropped the ball & didn't listen to him. That 2 1/2 hours should never have happened.

Then my computer died, and one is already on life support.

Then I get daily pressure from my high schoolers (3) about getting iPhones because all their teachers will only be communicating via twitter, and morning announcements will also be tweets. Sure the school's website says in bold letters "you do not need a smart phone to follow our tweets", one suggestion they had was to go to a public library to look up the daily notices,~ yeah that's practical for a working family. My mortgage went up $10 a month, I didn't get a raise or anything, the town wants more, and wants to add pressure for me to spend another 1000 per year?
Clients adjusting to the new school schedule cancelled, the new computer is not staying connected to the network. #1 referred to me as a hag on day, not even able to process that yet. There was no malice in his tone, it was rather matter of fact. And to top it off I am pretty sure the three computer generated people I play Hearts with are actually friends because they seem to work together quite a bit. Although I did just shoot the moon on them ( take that Ramion, Latina & Jerguen!) So things are looking up. This too shall pass. and as Adele said, there are worse problems to have.

Hope you and yours are having a gentler itch free week!

That don't impress me much

A conversation I had with a teen aged client has made me reflect on my own cynicism, or lack of adoration. I will admit I never " got " the people who sent presents, or cards to celebrities they did not know, nor will ever know. The only fan club I was ever in was the "Trixie Belden Fan Club", a series of mystery books I loved in my pre-teen days. I think I received a monthly newsletter with puzzles and beauty tips in it. I liked getting mail. I still do. But celebrities, they don't impress me much.

This client, who talks about how he was shaking uncontrollable when he was hanging out with a rap star,( the name escapes me, a bunch of letters that don't sound like a real name if I recall correctly). I asked him , " Why? what about this stranger who you spent a few hours with, then both went on your merry way makes you nervous and giddy? "He turned the tables, teenagers are good at that.  He said,  you mean if Beyonce walked in here you would just be like " hey Beyonce". I said, " Well no, I would most likely not recognize her". I am sure I disappointed him. " Then I mentioned her small baby and wondered who was taking care of it, Blue, right? Is that a boys or a girl?

I was nervous once, of "big" people. I think I wrote about it, and my mother's great leveling tactic that made it easy to not see people as above or below me. Don't get me wrong, I was out of my skin when I met my babies, and every so often now an overpowering feeling occurs when I see them or we have a specifically poignant interaction. Or when on a date with someone I have a serious crush on, I can get giddy and girly. But not a celebrity.

I have a client who is a cardio-surgeon, he impresses me. Fire fighters, soldiers, National Guardsman, they impress me. The Duggars, that mom impresses me. She seems so calm and organized & I had once fantasized about home schooling my kids. Hats off to her, of whatever we see on camera ( I watch so little I don't even know her name tee-hee) Mom's who are at wits end. but hold it together impress me. Dad's who know the best thing to do for your children is love their mother ( that's love the verb), they impress me.

But I cannot work myself up to a swoon or shakes over a celebrity. I was next to a red carpet once, have grainy pictures of Henry Winkler, Chevy Chase and the girl from Lace, I was 21 and in Hollywood, not sure I swooned, it was much like going to the zoo. I think I need to figure out how to impress myself, maybe that is part of the problem. I'm gonna go work on that.

Negotiating Freedom

I had the pleasure of the company of my 17 year old for 26 hours a few days ago. We went on an overnight ride down to look at a few colleges in VA. I also had the pleasure of once again getting a parental evaluation from him. Aside from being banned from all sporting events that he plays in for over a year, and the prerequisite " you don't get it mom" that I hear weekly, this time I was criticized for sheltering them too much.  This from a young man who leaves home on a Friday morning, and unless he has a lot of homework, I generally don't see him til dinner on Sunday as he hops around with his friends.

He was comparing our family with his friends,and granted the fact that both myself and his father own our own businesses gives us better flexibility than most people. I work my schedule around what they need, and certainly being divorced, I do my socializing when the kids are with their dad, and I suspect he does the same. So when they are with either of us, we are generally there ( apparently that is specifically annoying) He surmised that the kids whose parents are less available will be better able to adjust to real life. He suggested I do too much for them. okay, I'm game.

I asked if he was ready to start doing his own laundry. To which he replied, " Mom, I have 5 AP classes this year. With working out and homework , how can I do that?" I said, " Okay I would rather you focus on school work anyway." Then I threw out another idea." How about you wake yourself up in the morning, make your own breakfast & lunch so I can work out first thing."  " NO, not that" ,he says,"I have to get up soo early and there's no way I can be that organized first thing in the morning." "Oh, okay sooo you want me to back off, but do everything for you?" " I can make my own lunch on the weekends, " he offers.
 I have to admit, I do worry about him, a year from now , without me to point out you may have to move the milk to find they ketchup in the fridge, or to put down the lid of the washing machine if you want it to clean our clothes. Luckily it seems these colleges hold their hands in some ways, sounds like the food choices are plentiful, he will find the gym immediately, and there are advisers available. yeah he will be okay. Even after being ruined by an over-protective parent like me.