Eyes Wide Open

My heart is broken. Dumb ass #1 &#2 decided to be adolescent cliches. I thought they were better than that. I was wrong. I go away once per year with a friend for some pre holiday elfin goodness up in New Hampshire. We shop the outlets, decorate her house for the Holiday, have Christmas music playing & wrap everything in sight. We've been doing it for several years now. So we plan it on a weekend they are with their dad. #1 was assigned to take care of our dogs. he will be 18 in ten weeks, I thought is was something he could handle.

What I did not count on was the phone call at 1:20 am that the police were at my house, which was filled with 17 or so teenagers, and looking for someone who had knocked over a mailbox. I wasn't sure if it was about my mailbox, or why the police did not care about 17 kids being in MY HOUSE without adult supervision. They knew I was in New Hampshire, I am told.

#2 devised a plan to be unsupervised and do all the things unsupervised adolescents do. He had worked this up for a while ahead of time.

#1Stopped the car for the mailbox tackler, and brought his array of friends to also do the things unsupervised adolescents do. They did this without knowledge of each other intent I am told, and as evidenced by #1 dropped #2 off where he had lied to his father he was staying.

The mailbox can be fixed, the holes punched in my in my wall in the basement will be fixed. No charges will be filed in the days before the college acceptance emails come in, so WHEW.

Then there is the level of betrayal that is harder to fix, and the utter denial on the part of the parents that is mind blowing. I called every parent  whose number I could find, whose child was at my house, Univited by me, and unknown by me. I informed them of what I was aware of about what adoelscent activities had taken place. The younger parent sect, most of them, responded appropriately, and I have gotten , what I am sure were hand shaking phone calls from most of the kids to apologize for disrespecting  me  and  my home.  I give them credit for that and hope it was a growing experience. What they do to and with their bodies is between them & their parents. I did have one woman demand that I have FACTS ( about an event I was not present at) before she asked her son about his participation. I understand, coincidentally, the flu that had him throwing up in her fridge helped her change her mind. That was not a fact, it's what I heard.

What frightened me MORE was the lack of response from the parents of DRIVING teens. " Oh no, not my son" was the response from more than one. I got a " we don't have that in my house." from one mom. to which I responded , "It didn't happen at your house!". I had a 45 minute conversation with parents ( Jane said it sounded like I was doing therapy) who wanted to understand why I was so upset and wanted to know where the kids had gotten the " stuff:" from. They felt better to let it go and assume teens will be teens. I told them I was not interested in attending any child's funeral or sentencing hearing, so I was not comfortable with their stated philosphy that no matter what we do they will find away around it ~so do nothing.
I am aware a teens' job is to find a way around it,  I also believe our job is to make the OBSTACLE COURSE AS DIFFICULT AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.  Then after much deliberation with each other,  they told me of a few incidents this summer, but the kids were told not to do it again, so they felt like they had handled it. I nearly lost it. Jane sid she didn't hear a single " Jimminy Crickets," my choice swear word, out of me all weekend and actually while we were wrapping present I actually told her to put something in the F"ing Christmas bag". Point being I was as close to loosing it as I have ever been. My brother even called me several times as I was making the five hour drive back to CT to make sure I was safe because I was so upset.

We are NOT helping each other by pretending our kids aren't making bad choices and endangering their futures. We are NOT being the villiage I want to be in when we laugh at teenage hijinx. You know what mom always said " It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, or killed, or raped, or pregnant"  I am not keeping this quiet to avoid embarrassment. I have nothing to be embarrassed about, neither do you, unless you gave your child what they brought to my house. That would be a different conversation, and one better had with police and your own therapist. The only way to keep them safe is to be open with them and each other about what is going on.

 As anyone who reads this knows, I do a lot with and for my kids, & their friends. I place a lot of value on the preventative activities. And it still happened.

My children are being dealt with, it will be a long, difficult road. Their father & I will be right beside them for a while making sure they relearn the steps they are supposed to be taking, and reinforcing why the ones the took were not in their best interest. ( Sound ominous doesn't it?) What concerns me are the kids who also made really bad choices who will be out this Friday and Saturday night, repeating the behaviors from last weekend because their parents do not want to admit what their kids are up to.

Their is big talk over this damn mailbox., even the parents were hyperfocussed on that.  Forgive me, I understand tackling a mailbox ( dumbass~ you know who you are & I know you read my posts) is a federal offense. Mailboxes can get fixed in no time compared to the potential ramifications of babies, or drunk driving or drug dependency ( these are not facts, just here say). WAKE UP FOLKS! I know my eyes are wide open now.

I am angry, mindblowingly dissappointed ,sad & feel betrayed. My kids are on radio silence ( so stop texting them)  & lockdown indefinately. Gone are the days of Mrs Roche's chocolate chip pancakes on a Saturday morning, and " Sure you can have them over". Gone are the bring a friend with you trips to Cape Cod, or NYC or anywhere for that matter. And that really makes me sad. I like these kids, but I am not taking on anymore liability than I have to.

Most of the parents I have spoken to end the call by saying " they are good kids". I am not sure if they are Sure they are, good kids make bad choices, it's what it's all about, I am in what my friend  wise older therapist friend Betsy calls the " homocidal stage" still. I trust it will pass, at some point. A broken heart has jagged edges and my kids will be feeling those edges for sometime to come.

Don't hate me cause I'm into Christmas

I've been getting flack, from all different places. Some people who know me well know Christmas is a month long celebration in my house. I wish I could completely explain why I am happier, smiling more, dancing around the house & singing for the whole month of December. I can't explain it, but it ain't broken & I am not going to fix it. A good many of my presents are wrapped thanks to the first snow storm of the season ruining an entire evening of clients, I wrapped all of Adele's gifts also, cause I was going through withdrawal. Nick and I spent the day putting up Christmas lights yesterday. He was awesome! Never a moment of frustration or swearing at the Christmas lights. Several trips to the store to add more lights to our collection, listening to Christmas carols all the way. I could not get my other two to come out and admire. They complained " it's not even Thanksgiving!"  Comments on facebook were the same. But lets break this down folks.

Thanksgiving for ( most) women: Up early cooking, cooking cooking, setting a pretty table, cooking, back ache, timing things to come out so most things will be warm, over eating, clearing the table, cooking dessert,  cooking some more , eating dessert then cleaning ~& lots of that. More back ache.

For guys ( most) _ football food~ it's all good.

Since I am the former gender, I prefer to skip this particular holiday and concentrate on the fun , excitement and good mood I enjoy for the rest of holiday season. Maybe if I loved to cook I might feel differently. I prefer singing, wrapping presents, thinking about what will make someone surprised and happy.

Christmas Letter 2012

Imagine the writing inside this lovely background

                For Stacey,

Twas the weeks before Christmas and all through Facebook

“Hey I didn’t get a letter?!” was the posting ,   what a hook!

So out to the computer I flew like a flash

Opened up Microsoft word, 2012 to rehash

Perhaps embarrassed by good fortune the author delayed,

Puerto Rico, Costa Rica & Cape Cod she had stayed

One trip was all women friends celebrating a big 4 Oh,

Although with 50 around the corner, wondering where we will again go

College trips with #1, pressure and tension,

“I feel stress whenever I see you!,” was his exclamation

Luckily that is over, accepted already,

Waiting on a few more .  Marketing for #2 coming in steady.

All three boys are in high school, and will finally be a team

Basketball for the winter, happy they seem.

Business is booming, and changes perhaps coming

As long as referrals keeps my electricity humming

Alex is slowly returning from teen cavedom, as Michael descends

Oh well, it was fun While it lasted, these parenting  trends

 After all, our children aren’t ours

We just pay for their lessons, medical bills & cars

Michael is now fencing, Alex & Nick work

Scorekeeping at basketball, responsibilities not to shirk

Not much planned for the New Year

College decisions to make

Watching him go, I know, my heart , it will break

New adventures for Alex, & for us left behind

I may be crying in next year’s letter, hope you don’t  mind.

With gratitude & appreciation for your friendship and fun

Hoping your holiday season is a wonderful one!

Merry Christmas!

Firsts!

Okay, I'm gonna say it. It's weird I know but I had a first last week. While we were battening down the hatches, & I was arguing with my 17 year old that " NO, there will be no driving to a friends house in the midst of a hurricane, and OKay call me crazy! " . I had my very first, legend had preceded it, my very first, celebrated & nutty.. Hot Flash!

I was in the kitchen cooking something for someone ( how strange) and all of a sudden, I said to the waiting bellies in front of me, " Is anyone hot?". Now if you know me and have been at my house you know Heat does not happen here. My house is all electric so keep a sweatshirt on. But out of nowhere, I was HOT! When the teens all assured me they were comfortable and maybe a bit chilly ( put on another sweatshirt) , I was standing in the kitchen sweating. Beads of sweat on my forehead, no lie. & I laughed. My kids looked at me strangely, wondering out loud if I was crazy because they thought it was something women were upset about. I think, after knowing me for all these years, asked = answered. Anyway I don't know why I was thrilled in this moment. Perhaps it's just a matter of crossing the threshold into a club. I have heard many of my friends talk about Hot Flashes, & I can laugh with them at the stories of stripping down to their skivvies in moments, or being the one in the bed who is hot instead of running cold. But now I was a member. I had my own experience, well just one to date.. but in a week of being displaced, frustrated, cranky with the superintendent and ring leader of an out of town excursion with 4 teen aged boys, I was also connected to womanhood in all it's phases.

That is something to celebrate!

What is happening out there?

In the last two weeks three females, that we know of, have gone missing and were found dead. At the hands of males, and worse 2 of them were killed by teenagers. What are we doing wrong?
My stomach sickens at the thought of this. I guess we could easily assume we are dealing with sociopaths, it seems like a statistical anomaly to have that many in this short of a time. Is there something more?
What are the seeds of misogyny? How do we show the lack of value in human life time and time again such that these children, the ages of my children, can commit these mind crushing acts?

My 17 year old spent last night filling out his last college application , my 16 year old spent the better part of an hour working on his boy band Halloween costume for a party he is going to this weekend. The thought of them spending a moment of their lives extinguishing the life of another is unfathomable.
But these three teens, charged with, confessing to, their horrific crimes, were too once little boys who worked on the Halloween costumes, who picked flowers , dandelions, for their moms at one point in time. who watch their dad's across the dinner table. Where did they veer of course. I read the parents turned the boys in, kudos to them for taking that hard step. Were there other hard steps they have taken? Was it a relief to have their kids out of their homes? Why am I not hearing more public out cry that these are teenagers TEENAGERS! Killing little girls?

I have heard some feedback, " keep your kids inside", " they should not be allowed to ride their bikes". My own son has said he wished he was born at the time of life I was, when he father would take off with his friends for day long bikes rides 15 miles from his home, or my brothers & I would venture off into the woods behind our house until the street lights came on. I get the  " what" of what we are loosing. I do not get the " Why" and can somthing be done about it?

Will" going outside to play", be something my grandchildren see on old movies?

Mistakes were made, by me

I was playing a therapeutic game with a client the other day. He picked a card asking him to express the biggest mistake in his life. He's 9. As he pondered his " mistake" I was flooded with all MY mistakes and had to shake my head at trying to decipher the biggest one.

Clearly not thinking the physics thing through, leaving my 3 month old on a hammock while I planned to mow the lawn is up there. My stupidity hit me in time to turn around and see him slide onto the long, soft grass. That was one of the first ones that flooded my mind. No grass mowing for a while.
Then there are the car accidents, none severe, but moments of taking my eyes off the road, to reprimand a child, take a sip of a drink, could have been much worse.


After the session I spent some time thinking over my list. The above aside, most of my mistakes have come from succumbing to my fear instead of living large. The first house I lived in in Newtown was amazing, but after the divorce I was overwhelmed by the 36 entrances & exits on the first floor and being a single mom, so I moved. That's a regret. It had a prefect set up for my office, and a pool. Ah Well.

Holding on to people or things too long, allowing myself to get treated poorly or accept less than I deserve for fear of being alone, in both love and friendship.

Things I wish I had had the self control to hold my tongue instead of saying, but many more things I wish I had had the guts to say in the moment.

I see over and over life is full of choices, some of which will be mistakes. And at 46 sometimes I wish I didn't have to be the one making those choices, but I am, by choice and not mistake.

What I apparently need to learn, is live a little larger.
Oh my client, his was singing loudly the wrong words to a song. To be young again...

If you have nothing nice to say...

I've been quiet on here. I know. Funny stories are down, difficulties are up. I know, believe me, I am alive to bitch another day, ultimately it's a good thing. Nonetheless, I've been in a mood. For a while. Have done things I have never done before, not in a good exploratory way. No adventures except to the dark side.

I know where it's coming from, I know what it is all about. I wouldn't be a decent therapist if I couldn't;t do my own self discovery. I am not depressed, been there done that, for a number of years before I finally decided to get a divorce. This is different. But I am still crying a lot, well a lot for me. I save my crying for Kodak commercials, movies where children get hurt and the death of people I love. But now I am crying about 9/11, Lybia, Alex leaving, Alex being a jerk to me while he is here, my mistrust of financial institutions, my uncertainty of what else I want to do with my life, IFS training, DARC training, Montessori school training, Recreational Therapist certification??? I don't know! Nothing is popping out at me which leaves me sitting in uncertainty. Which is draining.

I realized today the last time I was this uncertain I found solace at the gym. Having someone tell me to do for an hour a day eased my mind, and I ended up a size four... So perhaps I do know my next step. and perhaps that step will lead me to the next. If not, I will at least feel a little more like I am giving gravity & mother nature a bit of a fight. Until then, I suggest if you see me, just nod & give me space, I'm not fun to be around.
I am not looking for sympathy. I am well aware it is only by going through these trying time that we appreciate the good, and learn & grow. It is only with the irritant of the sand that they oyster produces the pearl.