Teetering

Is anyone else teetering out there? I find myself lately suspicious of how good things are going. I know it's wrong. I actually have a certificate in how that is not the place to be. I'm neither here, nor now, which is were the joy and gratitude are present. I am teetering. Cause things are good, really good. So why am I feeling bad?
The kids rocked the first marking period. I mean unprecedented ROCKED it! My practice has never been better. I am surrounded by amazing women in my "Rent Tent", Mom's good, brother's, wives & offspring all good. Check Check Check.. And we are headed into my most Favorite time of the year. and yet
There's this nagging feeling with the teens, it's a bit of "what you see today may not be here tomorrow". All three boys are down in the man cave, two working on homework without one ounce of prompting from me, the third, homework finished, just returned from some good old fashioned leaf jumping with his neighborhood friend. I should be all "Ahhhhh". I want to be all " Ahhhhh" and yet.

Nanna & Poppop with Alex

I am in mourning, I keep forgetting. My gram, the largest single source of love in my life, passed away in January. And I keep forgetting, it still hurts. I still miss her, I'm still sad. And it's okay. I was worried, ever so cognisant of what loosing her here on earth meant to me, that I would feel this vacuum of love just leave me. Thankfully I didn't. I do feel her love with me, and I am still sad. I had to go on, we all have to go on. Strange how life doesn't stop when you want it to or think it ought to. I go through my days, building the practice. having my life and every once in a while when everything should be a major celebration ( they really rocked the marking period and I did so well last month I am off my graph chart for my practice) I can't seem to get there. And I realize, I am still sad and it's ok.
I know what she would say. I heard her talking to me last night while I was at her house, covering the windows for my mother. She said " That's good enough, Kitten, sit down and rest now" I was always Good Enough for her. How lucky was I to have had someone send me that message always? How I pray I am doing the same for the boys.
So I teeter, they are doing great, but will it continue? Have I given them what they need to keep going? Have I taken good enough care of myself? How do you do it parents of teens, how do you balance and let go  and be there all atthe same time?
I think I am going to pour some wine now.