Pit Stop

Occasionally I need a pit stop from riding in cars with my boys. The purpose of a pit stop is to refuel, check systems, a break from the race. A little talked about advantage of divorce is 2 weekends a month to spend however I would like. Honestly most are spent still on some field somewhere watching one of my athletes do their stuff. Sometimes though, it is truly about me. Like this one.

My marvelously, wonderful friend Jane & I are escaping to her New Hampshire hideaway to spend a girls weekend getting ready for the holidays. Jane is an amazing woman, you may have read about her as the mystery nurse who saved a child's life on a beach in Massachusetts by administering an Epi-pen. She casually mentioned her heroism as we were floating in the waters of Cancun several years ago on another pit stop. Thats Jane, national attention swept into her life for a brief period of time, then life goes on. I believe as a nurse, being exposed to the realities of the human condition in the most raw form, Jane has a certain acceptance and a lack of pretentiousness that is rare. And I treasure it.



Jane & I with too much forehead at the cape



Jane is the type of friend that I can count on for 100% honesty, crazy situations and hilarity. I actually refused to take her phone calls for a few days after a recent surgery because I knew she'd make me laugh and it would hurt too much. I can also count on her to keep me grounded. In telling her daughter why she would be missing her cheer competition this weekend due to our plans she told her." Life happens  and you need to make time to spend time with the people you care about and this is a traditions Cathy & I have done and want to carry on, and you will have other competitions I will see." I love her for that. She's also the second person, mom being first, to call me out on grammatical errors on this blog. She encourages me, challenges me, supports me and is a great example of juggling it all, successfully.



Take your pit stops, make sure you have an awesome pit crew, make time for the people you care about, including you.

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the next step

I have a sophomore & 1/3. My mind has already started to think about his future, his options, what his best choices can be. I hear from friends with older kids college visits are important. I have a hard time believing going to a campus can truly give you a feel for the college, but ok. This is a far cry from my college experience.

I was all set to go to SCSU, rooming with a friend from high school, a handful of us were going. I remember getting the tuition bill, I believe it was $2700 for the semester. I had some money saved but turned it over to my parents. My mother walked in my bedroom a week before I was supposed to leave for school and said, " We have no money to send you." I had already tried grants, had received a scholarship from Catholic Women's Charities ( I don't even remember signing up to be considered for it), I was counting on my parents to take care of the rest. With the news that my plan was not going to happen ( for the life of me I do not know why no one suggested I get a student loan) I took my transcript, drove to WCSU and enrolled in class there. I worked as a waitress during the days and took classes in the afternoon and evenings. For a while I lived at home, then with roommates. I made the tuition payment and ate ramen noodles for a month or so at a time. It was work, and very little fun.

With God as my witness, this will not be my sons' college experience. ( Ala Scarlett O'Hara)
So Sunday we sat down at the computer and looked at the on-line programs designed to help sort through the seemingly endless possibilities of schools. My hope was to generate a list of maybe 20 solid options and work that list down to ten when it is time to apply. As I read through the list of potential majors he was instructed to write down anything he thought sounded interesting. When I was done, he had two things on his list out of the 75 I read. I asked him about it and he said " Mom I have no idea what half those words mean". I tried taking another approach. I forget sometimes how young 15 is.
City or country? Within driving distance or far away? What sports are important for you to be able to play? Bowling, darts? Beach or mountains? Big school or small? & A whole lot of " I don't know"s.

So I took another stab at it.We (I) randomly picked schools and pulled up a screen that matched his GPA with their requirements. He has a strong GPA so it looked like that was not our best option for whittling down the list. As we do not have the PSAT scores yet, we were just fishing really. I looked over at my son, who was now curled up in the fetal position on the ottoman he had be perched upon, and asked him what he thought. Ha Ha Ha poor kid. We have an appointment with his guidance counselor next week.
But my question, more experienced parents, is how do you do this?

Teetering

Is anyone else teetering out there? I find myself lately suspicious of how good things are going. I know it's wrong. I actually have a certificate in how that is not the place to be. I'm neither here, nor now, which is were the joy and gratitude are present. I am teetering. Cause things are good, really good. So why am I feeling bad?
The kids rocked the first marking period. I mean unprecedented ROCKED it! My practice has never been better. I am surrounded by amazing women in my "Rent Tent", Mom's good, brother's, wives & offspring all good. Check Check Check.. And we are headed into my most Favorite time of the year. and yet
There's this nagging feeling with the teens, it's a bit of "what you see today may not be here tomorrow". All three boys are down in the man cave, two working on homework without one ounce of prompting from me, the third, homework finished, just returned from some good old fashioned leaf jumping with his neighborhood friend. I should be all "Ahhhhh". I want to be all " Ahhhhh" and yet.

Nanna & Poppop with Alex

I am in mourning, I keep forgetting. My gram, the largest single source of love in my life, passed away in January. And I keep forgetting, it still hurts. I still miss her, I'm still sad. And it's okay. I was worried, ever so cognisant of what loosing her here on earth meant to me, that I would feel this vacuum of love just leave me. Thankfully I didn't. I do feel her love with me, and I am still sad. I had to go on, we all have to go on. Strange how life doesn't stop when you want it to or think it ought to. I go through my days, building the practice. having my life and every once in a while when everything should be a major celebration ( they really rocked the marking period and I did so well last month I am off my graph chart for my practice) I can't seem to get there. And I realize, I am still sad and it's ok.
I know what she would say. I heard her talking to me last night while I was at her house, covering the windows for my mother. She said " That's good enough, Kitten, sit down and rest now" I was always Good Enough for her. How lucky was I to have had someone send me that message always? How I pray I am doing the same for the boys.
So I teeter, they are doing great, but will it continue? Have I given them what they need to keep going? Have I taken good enough care of myself? How do you do it parents of teens, how do you balance and let go  and be there all atthe same time?
I think I am going to pour some wine now.

outside the box birthdays

Years ago I decided I was not going to give my kids Birthday presents. I gave birth, you are welcome. Instead I though having them experience something they have never done before would be far more interesting  and exciting for the whole family. So each year, three times a year sometimes all of us, sometimes just the birthday boy, does something new. It is a fun process coming up with ideas, some are simple, some costly, all hopefully adding the memory banks of their fun.

Most recently Nick, my middle, spent his 14th birthday adventure camping out in the field under the stars behind out house. With four of his bravest or craziest friends. It was a right of passage of sorts for him. He was proud to have made it. Some of Nick's choices have been to go to a skate park, on a hot air balloon ride, which we managed to do before school one fall morning, have videos put up on Utube, have a surprise party, again pulled off before school. His friends showed up at 7:15, we had pancakes and everyone was to school by 9, It was pretty cool. Nick's first one was pretty funny. He wanted to take a plane ride over our house, luckily this can be achieved pretty easily at Danbury Airport, poor Nick feel asleep for the entire 20 minute ride, but Alex & their dad enjoyed the trip.

Alex's desires took us to a NBA game, unfortunately during a blizzard, but it's all good. He has gone ice fishing, had a whipped cream pie fight, silly string fight. I look forward each year to what they decide.
Michael had his first Big Mac one year, had ice cream for breakfast, met friends for ice cream for lunch, and an ice cream cake for dinner another. We went to a Monster Truck rally, had a surprise party yet another.

All in all, these traditions of new experiences valued over a gift, it's a good thing. I am approaching my 45th. What to do what to do......

My Daughter

I didn't even know I was pregnant. Certainly with three boys under 5 I was too tired to remember giving birth, or caring for her in those precious early days. As with most later born children, I didn't make her a Creative Memories Album, as I did the boys, I actually do not have any pictures of her. But it is an indisputable fact that at some point in time a girl child joined our family. And as with any child that is not given enough positive attention, she was TROUBLE.
Any broken toy was her doing, spilt drink, toilet paper draped in the bathroom sink,  tumbled over plant, back door left open for the dog to escape, missing car keys, all her. She was very busy. Her name was called out by far more often then all three of the boys combined, her FULL name, so you know what that means. We tried to include her, she has a Christmas stocking hung with the rest of the family. But she continues to wreck havoc in the house.


See I didn't even get her a dog



Oh her name.: "Not Me". I'm not big on the two names as a first name thing, but it seemed to fit for her. Actually "Not Me Lucy " she was declared one Christmas season as her stocking, which was doomed to be filled only with coal, again, was hung at the chimney.



For all of her naughtiness, Not Me Lucy was a huge help when the kids were little as well. Her easily taking responsibility for any less than appropriate behavior cleared the emotional energy from "The Blame Game". ones of my boys' favorites, to "The Solution Strategy", my personal fav. A conversation would occur that went something like this, " Well I understand Not Me took out all the toys and threw them around the playroom, but since I can't seem to find that girl, I guess it is up to us to clean it up, how should we approach it?" Then we could all grumble about that Not Me Lucy and what an inconsiderate child she was for leaving us with such a mess, but be together in cleaning it up and in on the joke, with no hard feeling bouncing back and forth between us. The boys were always very willing to help fix what Not Me created, which was my goal all the time. The boys still talk about her, most often when her stocking comes out. I do believe they appreciate her taking the heat, even if they really had to make her mistake right.

There will always be something, someone, some giant Not Me out there creating a situation.  They are in our lives everyday, in adult form even. Still wrecking havoc, taking no responsibilty and leaving the mess for others to clean up.We can spend our time looking for whose stocking deserves the coal, or we can just roll up our sleeves and make it better.I think the later is much more fun.

My Red Tent

If you are a woman, The Red Tent by Anita Diamant is a must read. Just as " Are you there God, it's me Margaret?" spoke the universal language of girls confronted with their changing lives, The Red Tent speaks to our inner world, our strength , our sisterhood. It speaks to biblical times and the lives of women, how their own community provided support and strength when children were born or died, or due to a husband's betrayal. Women caring for women, much like we do today. It works.

I am fortunate enough to have many amazing women in my tent. Although biologically sister less, my sisters today provide comfort, strength, guidance and laughter ( and they never stole my favorite jeans in high school
or pulled my hair) I recently needed to activate my sister friends while I was in need. and without flinching, or eye rolling they were there, doing more than I had asked, naturally. Because that's what they do. I cannot thank them enough, but to be there in their tent when their time comes. And the time comes for all of us.

We are there for each other to comfort and console, to listen and laugh, to tell someone to put the big girl panties on, or to commiserate at the injustice of the system, the world, life. We love each other's kids, see the possibilities, motivate, encourage and cheer on. We bounce off ideas, situations, help with carpooling, medical advice, mirror advice, shopping. We bring meals, organize people, make things happen. That's what we do. We are women, we are life.

I am frequently faced with frustrated women in my practice who have not taken the time to develop their tent of women, who are angry at their husband's or boyfriends for not fulfilling the role. And we talk, cause that's what we women folk do, we talk about all the great things men do and who they are, and we talk about what they are not, namely, women. Their socialization process is very different from ours, and it serves as equally valuable a purpose, even if not convenient to our own.  So it is up to us to make sure we have women in our tent, and equally important that we are in, and useful in the tent of others.

I see it with my mom and her friends, most divorced or widowed, in the autumn of their lives. They makes plan to go to the city together, if someone is on an errand to an unfamiliar destination, she finds a side kick to go with her. They have monthly gatherings to check in and daily talks to weave the web of connection. I worry less about her because I know she has them, as I am sure my boys worry less about me because they know of my strong and stable network of amazing women who support me.

So thank you all, and you know who you are, for being there for me. For picking me up, for making me laugh, for feeding me and cleaning up around me, for caring for and about my boys. Thank you for your love.

54 days

Don't hate me because I love the Christmas season, and judging by my middle son's selection in music when he was told to turn " that rap crap off" he does too. I am proud my kids can sing along with Perry, Dean and Bing. Perhaps not life skills, but certainly happiness skills. So I found out on facebook this morning we have 54 days till the big day. Anyone who knows me knows there is no one big day. From Thanksgiving on I am all Christmas all the time, from having the house decorated by the time the weekend is over, to a tacky clock in the kitchen that chimes a different carole on the hour. We got rid of the house phone recently so there will be no more festive jingle announcing our lack of availability to get the phone, that's a bummer. My brother Sean and his family come up which has the house bustling with extra people and another playmate for my dogs. I love the bustle.  I have always just enjoyed my affinity for the holiday, but recently wondered why the feelings only crop up this time of year for me.

So it all got me thinking, am I this simply to get sucked into the  commercial machine that builds this month up? What's different really? Why am I so much more open to happiness and love, kindness to strangers and childlike wonder? Years past, the Christmases of my childhood were filled with family, and family stress, delight and disappointment. There was something special in having Mom all to myself to baked cookies with, or to be called upon to help with decorations my brothers barely cared about. Perhaps it was that attention that has me looking forward with fondness to the season.

Years ago I remember complaining with a fellow therapist friend of all the things on my to-do list before the holidays, Just the sheer overwhelming quantity of stuff to get done. She stopped me and said, "If you insert the word " want" where you are saying " have" how does that change it?" And it did I wanted to buy presents, I wanted to bake cookies, I wanted to get a great picture card of my boys. It changed things greatly. ( good to have therapist friends)

I have adopted that strategy ever since.Without my own real daughter ( two goddaughters and Not Me aside.)* more about her to come, I have tried hard to give my boys traditions they appreciate without too much effort into things that do not matter to them. Gone are the days when I bake a different  batch of cookies each night, I just picked up two boxes of Alex's favorite Peanut butter Blossom mix at Costco. Nick loves the music and my " Elves Themselves" collection. Last year he created a power point presentation parody for the family of a favorite Dixie Chicks Holiday Classic. Michael is always willing to help in the kitchen, long after the other two have given up on cookie cutters and flour. So I do hope I am giving them memories that will last, and holidays filled with joy and love.

In our twenties, my friend Jane & I used to get together and wrap present watching Holiday movies, Holiday Inn is my favorite, but Elf is a close second.  We stared this practice again last year and it is a great excuse to pause life and spend time with someone who means the world to you. Jane reminds me of this often, she is a great example.


So for me, the next 54 days, and hopefully some time after will be a little more upbeat, a little more warm, a little more kind, a little more Christmas.
"Let me be the first to wish you Merry Christmas this year."-Steve & Edie