What have I (We) done?

I say "I" because it is personal. I say "we" because I know I am not alone. I have too many young adult clients who echo the words I have heard in my own home. Is it possible we have create a generation of young people who think the good times of their life have tapped out at 18? Time and time again I hear clients ask, "What's the point?" (of living). Just today a young woman, a bright, graduated early with an engineering degree type of bright, young woman who said " I don't know how my parents have done this for 30+ years, work 9 hours a day, go home exhausted and go to bed so they can do the same thing tomorrow, I did it for a summer and I couldn't stand it." She is currently taking some time off from Grad school. I have heard in my own home, "You work to pay bills, to work to pay bills". I know I am lucky and LOVE my work, so it seldom feels like work, I hope I have conveyed that accurately.But that hasn't seemed to make a difference. My droning about " Doing something you love so it doesn't feel like work" is as effective as the cheer squad calling a " Block-that-Kick" cheer. It sounds nice, but has nothing to do with the outcome. I remember as a 14 year old looking enviously at the Junior girls with their car keys flipping around in their hands. I could not wait to get my license and walk the halls of the school with the confidence I decided those older girls must have. Yet, I have nieces and nephews with NO desire to get drive a car. I also remember being so excited about getting older and freer, able to make my own decisions and do what I want. I started collecting kitchenware in preparation for my own apartment when I was 16 (I do know that was odd). I couldn't wait to stay up as late as I want, not have to tell someone where I was going to be, and did not have a problem having to pay for it on my own. There were lean months, when tuition was due, ramen noodles and budgeting for food was key.I knew it was going t be work, and hard and I COULD NOT WAIT! Now I find many young people who are disenchanted with what life has to offer. Have we made them think the best years are behind them? I, like most people in my community, have spent the better part of the past decade with my life built around the needs of my children. Sports practices that begin at 5 pm (Hello, we are still at the office!),causing people to scramble to adjust their WORK schedule for their children's schedule. Games that take place in the mornings during traditional religious worship times (not a factor for my family, but I am sure others). I have seen families pay more than they can afford to take a 10 year olds to football championships in Florida! Our behavior elevates their importance, the importance of recreational sports, over family time. We take them out of school for these events, out of school, for a sporting event, for days..... When will they get to, in their adult world, get to miss work to play with their friends, for days, all expenses paid? I have had a nephew who had to cancel a college visit, because, while his school allows for missing days to check out a college, his position on his team was endangered if he missed a practice?? WTH? What is the message we are giving them? Why are we giving it? Is it effective in the way we want it to be? I will never say my marriage failed because it was a backseat to the children, it's actually because of the children that it lasted as long as it did. I do, though, have plenty of clients who tell me, "of course" their marriage comes after the children's needs. They make sure they spend time with their children, and do family things with their parental counterpart. They have forgotten, it's because of that counter-part that the children are there to begin with. I hear that they don't know what their children would do for 20 minutes or so that they can talk to their husband/wife privately, daily. Or they have not gone out on a date, they have not shown their children that every once in a while you get dressed nice and spend alone time with the person you fell in love with, and THEY stay home and watch a movie with the babysitter or Au pair ( www.croche.aupairnews.com). If children get the message that THEY are the most important people in the family, what's to grow up to? Becoming the not most important person? Having to give up what you like for your children? Is it a wonder we have a generation who is more comfortable making the commitment to have a child than they are making a commitment to a marriage? How have we made the idea of committing to one person look like it's a benefit? I know for myself, one failed long term relationship after my divorce made me commit to children first until they were grown. I didn't want them to experience another loss in case a relationship didn't work, yet I wonder what that decision made them believe about relationships.

I am alone in that car now. All three boys have achieved levels of independence that I can count on two hands the number of times we are all in a car together. I am very much thinking the best is yet to come for myself. I did have a ball when my children were young (true confessions, adolescent years will never go down as my favorite or best mothering). I just know now that I am more sure of myself, more open about possibilities and eager and able to knock off some bucket list items. I know my future will be more about me than the last 50 years have been, and I am excited about that. I hope that energy helps my sons see that adulthood can be awesome.