I spoke to another therapist this morning, an old supervisee. She needed confirmation of the hours I spent supervising her (I was supposed to keep that?) Luckily she has that. We commiserated about parenting teens. Her daughter was just entering what we referred to as " the dark ages" and she was blown away when I told her I have the three all in the midst. We talked about how thankless the job is, how lonely it can feel, especially when you are a single mom, how emotionally painful it truly can be. And mostly we laughed at the insanity of it all.
About how asking my son one simply question results in a screaming " Why are you interrogating me?"
Or when a slight adjustment in my tone is met with "You don't have to freak out about it mom!" or
"Mom's freaking out about it"- they like saying that-collectively as if we are at war & I am the crazy one.
Luckily,? Nick has seen me in all out freak-out mode, Once- I opened a can of Costco sized Whoop Ass on him, and it had as much potency as can of Redi-whip. But it does serve as a marker, so when I am accused of '"Freaking Out" I can just turn to Nick, who lowers his head, or smirks and says, " Nope, um, no that is NOT her freaking out." & I feel validated by that, in a strange way.
So my friend shared how she would pay a taxi to take her daughter to the airport rather then endure the 30 minutes of berating and character assassination her daughter liked to load on her during car rides.
She told me of the moment she "knew". She was in the shower & her daughter stormed in the bathroom waving a shirt & screaming about it having been discolored in the wash. She informed her daughter of the obvious " Well I am taking a shower right now and we will discuss this when I am done in a few minutes."
When she went down the hall, dry and dressed, to speak with her daughter, her daughter was singing and dancing around the room, and greeted her with a cheerful " Hi mom". It was at this moment, she knew she wasn't in Kansas anymore.
I remember my moment also, I recall walking into MY office, while Alex was working on MY computer and asking him a question about his plans. I was met with the Teenage Anthem for the first time. " Mom, it's my life, back off". I believe he was 13 at the time also. I have to say, I covered my mouth so he would not see the smile. I know that is NOT the appropriate reaction for the Teen Declaration of Independence. but it was my first time, & I was naively excited for my overly obedient child to develop some chops.
She asked me how I get through it. I gave props to my Red Tent crew. I have the oldest kids of us all, so mostly they just nod and coo at my pain and suffering. The know their turn is coming. What I like best is how non-judgemental they are, and how when I am referring to my kids in less than favorable terms, they laugh and say, " I wonder what they would think if they knew you called them that." Especially me who, in my friend group, is the Mary Poppins of swears. It's the laughing that's the best part. The laughing that gets me through.
Like this morning, when I mentioned to Alex I was starting a detox program next week. And he said, "Oh are you getting rid of all the wrinkles in your face?" and you know I didn't even throw something at him, so I say "Yeah me." and laugh- he was thinking Botox, so that's good, I guess.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
am I a good parent?
Gosh, I'd like to think so. But boy can I think of lots of examples of how I'm not, or how my relationship with my kids is not all I wished it could be.
My last client of the evening, as she was leaving, remarked. "You must have an advanage over all of us, doing what you do, as a mom." I'm not sure what my expression was, I am thinking deer stuck in the headlights. I looked at her husband, who has an adult child, as well as their two little ones, and said.' Feel free to ask my kids in 10-15 years, I am sure they will have stories and opinions." He nodded acknowledgement of the marathon that is parenting, not the crazed sprint each day feels like when your kids are under 6.
Being a mom was something I knew I wanted to be as long as I could remember. I had names, first and middle, picked out for 6 kids in my diaries of my teen years. 6 kids ala the brady bunch. well except for the widowed part. Fish fish I got half my wish ( so far)
I guess I know some stuff. I took parent training classes in my early 20's & again when I actually had kids. (GEEK)And of course years of therapy in training to become a therapist. So yeah, I may no more then the average bear about some stuff. I was always fasinated by child development information or birth order, so I read alot.And I have a philosophy of parenting that appears to be working out so far.
But I also learn ,with great admiration , the ways other people do things. Some of my own clients, with affectionate & honest realationships with their teens, or listening to my sons' friends saying " love you mom" automatically when they hang up the phone (a phrase resevered for the last line of manipulating me in our house) make me feel as if I am doing something wrong. I know Alex's stoic personality, is who he is, and my job is to accept him as that and not focus on what I had hoped our realtionship would be & I feel Nick slipping into the adolescent abyss.
Luckily, on any given night, the judgement is not handed down. Parenting is a marathon and the jury is out for a while ( thank God) . So this stoic, abyss phase will hopefully pass, or atleast change bit before the third one steps off onto the swinging bridge. ( see older post) and with any luck over Thanksgiving dinner in a decade or so, I will get my report card from the boys, or maybe over a quick bite to catch up on their lives, I will hear what I did right, or wrong. How a moment I was not really thinking about mattered, and I got it perfectly for them, or laugh at how hard I tried and failed at other times.
What I have found, is that parents who atleast ask that question I posed above, are generally in really good shape. What I am sure of is we all do the best with what we know at the time, and when we know more, we do better.
Drink plenty of water and stretch we're going to be a while.
My last client of the evening, as she was leaving, remarked. "You must have an advanage over all of us, doing what you do, as a mom." I'm not sure what my expression was, I am thinking deer stuck in the headlights. I looked at her husband, who has an adult child, as well as their two little ones, and said.' Feel free to ask my kids in 10-15 years, I am sure they will have stories and opinions." He nodded acknowledgement of the marathon that is parenting, not the crazed sprint each day feels like when your kids are under 6.
Being a mom was something I knew I wanted to be as long as I could remember. I had names, first and middle, picked out for 6 kids in my diaries of my teen years. 6 kids ala the brady bunch. well except for the widowed part. Fish fish I got half my wish ( so far)
I guess I know some stuff. I took parent training classes in my early 20's & again when I actually had kids. (GEEK)And of course years of therapy in training to become a therapist. So yeah, I may no more then the average bear about some stuff. I was always fasinated by child development information or birth order, so I read alot.And I have a philosophy of parenting that appears to be working out so far.
But I also learn ,with great admiration , the ways other people do things. Some of my own clients, with affectionate & honest realationships with their teens, or listening to my sons' friends saying " love you mom" automatically when they hang up the phone (a phrase resevered for the last line of manipulating me in our house) make me feel as if I am doing something wrong. I know Alex's stoic personality, is who he is, and my job is to accept him as that and not focus on what I had hoped our realtionship would be & I feel Nick slipping into the adolescent abyss.
Luckily, on any given night, the judgement is not handed down. Parenting is a marathon and the jury is out for a while ( thank God) . So this stoic, abyss phase will hopefully pass, or atleast change bit before the third one steps off onto the swinging bridge. ( see older post) and with any luck over Thanksgiving dinner in a decade or so, I will get my report card from the boys, or maybe over a quick bite to catch up on their lives, I will hear what I did right, or wrong. How a moment I was not really thinking about mattered, and I got it perfectly for them, or laugh at how hard I tried and failed at other times.
What I have found, is that parents who atleast ask that question I posed above, are generally in really good shape. What I am sure of is we all do the best with what we know at the time, and when we know more, we do better.
Drink plenty of water and stretch we're going to be a while.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sleep-overs & couples therapy
It's not what you think. Me & 4 boys in my basement.
Wait that's not sounding right.
So I'm walking down the stairs to do a check on the 4 teens hanging out in my basement, when I am stopped on the stairs. " So Cat, ( I prefer that to Mrs Roche, who is my ex mother in-law, and not who I am at all) how do you break up with a girl?"
"Why do you ask?" I inquire.
"Mom. your calves are huge"- thanks Nick, I know, a genetic mutation, my calves are as huge as my brother's. No skinny jeans ( not that my hips cooperate with that anyway) or tall boots. Anyway, I digress.
In the future, I may start asking my son/s friends for copies of their insurance cards before they sleep-over.
Wait that's not sounding right.
So I'm walking down the stairs to do a check on the 4 teens hanging out in my basement, when I am stopped on the stairs. " So Cat, ( I prefer that to Mrs Roche, who is my ex mother in-law, and not who I am at all) how do you break up with a girl?"
"Why do you ask?" I inquire.
"Mom. your calves are huge"- thanks Nick, I know, a genetic mutation, my calves are as huge as my brother's. No skinny jeans ( not that my hips cooperate with that anyway) or tall boots. Anyway, I digress.Then I worked hard that hour, coaching on text responses, insisting of break ups being over the phone, if in person is not possible. Asking them to refrainn from the initial juvemile responses they had to the bait from the girls. It's fascinating watching them struggle through creating appropriate boundaries, trying to own their own emotions and weigh that against fear and potential.
" It just ends sometimes right?",one asks me." You can just not feel the same about someone"
"Yes" I say with more weight than I wished to convey. I recover quickly with a " At your age you are growing and changing and it makes sense to want to see who you are with different people."
When the texts got personal, blaming my son for ruining relationships he had nothing to do with, I needed to show the utmost appropriate response. " I would not even response do that dumb-ass( my new favorite word- sad I know) statement. How do you even talk to her?" ok so I got a little heated. But that was my baby she was bad-mouthing.
And I stand by- sometimes no response is the best response. Sad to say it took me years to learn that one.
An hour and a half later, fielding many adolescent questions and coaching through much confusion over the females responses. I went to bed.And I stand by- sometimes no response is the best response. Sad to say it took me years to learn that one.
In the future, I may start asking my son/s friends for copies of their insurance cards before they sleep-over.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Where were you?
I called my then husband to tell him. His response, was one of the nails in the coffin of our marriage.
I retrieved Nick from the one room building that had remained unaware of the world events until panic in the eyes of the moms coming to scoop up their babies tipped the teachers off.
Alex was in first grade. At a school he had been at for little more than a week, where I knew almost no one. How grateful I was to the Principal, a man I came to know well and grow very fond of ,who showed me on that day his philosophy of children coming first. He refused to allow radios playing on the buses and sent a teacher on each bus to make sure parents were given the choice to explain what they needed to to their kids. I spent the rest of the daytime, in our unpacked home, alternating watching my little ones play outside and running in to stand in front of the TV with the various tradesmen who were "working" at the house that day. We stood there, with our hands over our mouths at the horror on the screen. With our brains, struggling to understand. My heart was aching for lives lost, for the loved ones, for our country, and for my children's future.
It was a beautiful day, I remember that. I remember wanting to preserve the innocence of my children's right to a beautiful September afternoon. We made a picnic on the front lawn when Alex got home and they watched bugs crawl across it. In the days and weeks that followed, the country singers filled up the airwaves with tribute songs, songs of patriotism and retribution. American strength and God's power. And I cried.
Not wanting to traumatize the children, I seldom exposed them to the atrocities on TV. It seemed like a 24 hour news reel for a while. Information did leak out, they knew something bad had happened, and I explained it as plainly as I could to them.
I remember one day a few weeks after the attacks, Alex walked into the kitchen and said to me" Hey Mom, if Osama Bin Laden thinks that dying is so great ( Alex, understandably, had a hard time getting his 6 year old brain around why the terrorists would choose a suicide mission) then why is he hiding from us?"
An excellent question I thought. and a day I will never forget.
God bless all who have been lost, their families and friends, our children and God bless America.
Where were you when the world stopped turning?
Friday, September 9, 2011
The new car
How strange it is to drive behind your child. ( and balance a camera on the steering wheel)
Friday, September 2, 2011
Unexpected losses of the week
So I have thrown out my share of food, I have had clients not show, and they couldn't call to tell me. I expected this much. My son broke up with his girlfriend of a year, I did not expect that, nor did I expect how sad I am over it.
My mom warned me. She told me after my oldest brother ( still unmarried and facing half a century) brought girl after girl home, a different one to each of his siblings weddings, some longer term than others, she told me, "Don't get attached, it'll break your heart." She was particularly fond of one named Livy who was from Stamford. I think they were together for about a year. I also think Livy was married a year or so after she & my bro broke up.
Anyway, I get attached to their friends. Matt is like a fourth son, who I check on occasionally even when Nick is not hanging out with him, and use his full Christian name when I need to reprimand him. and now apparently to I will be doomed to getting attached to their girlfriends. He apparently picked a good one. She offered so much more then the much needed estrogen boost in my house. She is a lovely girl with a good heart and an easy going nature.She was not rattled by the crazy testosterone filled house I run. She, being female, understood my perspective on most things. It was nice to have some female back-up.
There's no place for my sadness.
My son made his decision based on his experiences and his understanding of his own needs. Neither of which I am privy to entirely. & my job is clearly to support him listening to his own voice and making decisions for himself.
I did express my extreme unhappiness with the whole Facebook relationship status thing, and his friends
" liking" his new single status. I made him take that down. He saw what I was saying after first protesting how much I "don't understand that it was just a joke" There are some teenage boy jokes I do not find funny.This was one of them.
I hope to teach him to be respectful, even when a decision is made to end a relationship. Especially when there was no fault to it ending.
I am sure I will see her around, and feel an overwhelming desire to hug her and take away the pain. I so clearly remember my first serious relationship break up, and the entire weekend I spent crying on my friend Terri's couch over Kenny. And how hard it was going back to school the next year and seeing him in the hall.
I guess that's what's easier about adult relationships breaking up, you don't have to run into that person.
I know he is hurting to, it was a hard decision, and he is not a kid who lightly hurts others ( except his brother). But this blog is not about him, it's about me.
As much as I didn't even want my kids to date until they had their college acceptance letter in hand, & I certainly wanted them to date multiple people to learn about themselves and have a lot of life experiences before finding just one. I reallllly liked this girl. and I will miss her.
My mom warned me. She told me after my oldest brother ( still unmarried and facing half a century) brought girl after girl home, a different one to each of his siblings weddings, some longer term than others, she told me, "Don't get attached, it'll break your heart." She was particularly fond of one named Livy who was from Stamford. I think they were together for about a year. I also think Livy was married a year or so after she & my bro broke up.
Anyway, I get attached to their friends. Matt is like a fourth son, who I check on occasionally even when Nick is not hanging out with him, and use his full Christian name when I need to reprimand him. and now apparently to I will be doomed to getting attached to their girlfriends. He apparently picked a good one. She offered so much more then the much needed estrogen boost in my house. She is a lovely girl with a good heart and an easy going nature.She was not rattled by the crazy testosterone filled house I run. She, being female, understood my perspective on most things. It was nice to have some female back-up.
There's no place for my sadness.
My son made his decision based on his experiences and his understanding of his own needs. Neither of which I am privy to entirely. & my job is clearly to support him listening to his own voice and making decisions for himself.
I did express my extreme unhappiness with the whole Facebook relationship status thing, and his friends
" liking" his new single status. I made him take that down. He saw what I was saying after first protesting how much I "don't understand that it was just a joke" There are some teenage boy jokes I do not find funny.This was one of them.
I hope to teach him to be respectful, even when a decision is made to end a relationship. Especially when there was no fault to it ending.
I am sure I will see her around, and feel an overwhelming desire to hug her and take away the pain. I so clearly remember my first serious relationship break up, and the entire weekend I spent crying on my friend Terri's couch over Kenny. And how hard it was going back to school the next year and seeing him in the hall.
I guess that's what's easier about adult relationships breaking up, you don't have to run into that person.
I know he is hurting to, it was a hard decision, and he is not a kid who lightly hurts others ( except his brother). But this blog is not about him, it's about me.
As much as I didn't even want my kids to date until they had their college acceptance letter in hand, & I certainly wanted them to date multiple people to learn about themselves and have a lot of life experiences before finding just one. I reallllly liked this girl. and I will miss her.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Come On Irene...& CL&P
I'm writing from Adele's Kitchen. I charge my phone & computers here, shower, curl my hair and get cold drinks here. Irene did not effect her electricity. We are not getting it till maybe next Thursday.
It's not bad really, our toilets flush, the kids' gym memberships provide warm showers for them. My electric bill is going to be almost on existent next month, that's good. Of course I've more than made up for it in buying ice while we eat thru the contents of the freezer.
Oh yeah Adele has a cat, & I'm allergic, she just ventured out to see who was sitting in the kitchen, & tried to rub up against my legs the way cats do. Yuck.
So the upside of Irene:
We were all home & together for 36 hours. We played board games in my bed, the sunniest room in the house, thanks to my picture window that wakes me up at 5 am most mornings. The house has been filled with kids ( which I love). I have read instead of watching Chelsea Lately at night. Nick is reading his second book of the summer, Michael finished his 5th. I got one out of Alex & I am thankful for that. He found merit in " The Old Man & The Sea" - go figure. damn cat is back...
They jump on things, counters & such . It's grosse.
Anyway Adele found me in her driveway the other morning. I had forgotten the code to get in and no one was answering their phones at 7 am. Luckily she has four outlets by her garage so I plugged in my cell phone, two lap tops to charge & my curling iron, It was going well, I was sitting on the ground in front of my car finishing watching " The Horse Whisperer" on DVD, when she opened the front door to the spectacle and said " What the hell are you doing?" LOL
They say Thursday of next week. The boys are with me for the duration since their dad doesn't have flushing toilets. It's like camping, only not as much fun. But It's all good. OK my eyes are getting itchy- I've got to go. hang in there everyone, worse things have happened. NBD ( that's for Adele)
It's not bad really, our toilets flush, the kids' gym memberships provide warm showers for them. My electric bill is going to be almost on existent next month, that's good. Of course I've more than made up for it in buying ice while we eat thru the contents of the freezer.
Oh yeah Adele has a cat, & I'm allergic, she just ventured out to see who was sitting in the kitchen, & tried to rub up against my legs the way cats do. Yuck.
So the upside of Irene:
We were all home & together for 36 hours. We played board games in my bed, the sunniest room in the house, thanks to my picture window that wakes me up at 5 am most mornings. The house has been filled with kids ( which I love). I have read instead of watching Chelsea Lately at night. Nick is reading his second book of the summer, Michael finished his 5th. I got one out of Alex & I am thankful for that. He found merit in " The Old Man & The Sea" - go figure. damn cat is back...
They jump on things, counters & such . It's grosse.
Anyway Adele found me in her driveway the other morning. I had forgotten the code to get in and no one was answering their phones at 7 am. Luckily she has four outlets by her garage so I plugged in my cell phone, two lap tops to charge & my curling iron, It was going well, I was sitting on the ground in front of my car finishing watching " The Horse Whisperer" on DVD, when she opened the front door to the spectacle and said " What the hell are you doing?" LOL
They say Thursday of next week. The boys are with me for the duration since their dad doesn't have flushing toilets. It's like camping, only not as much fun. But It's all good. OK my eyes are getting itchy- I've got to go. hang in there everyone, worse things have happened. NBD ( that's for Adele)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)