the dangers of dating in the age of internet

It is hard enough dating with a therapist's knowledge ( ok the red tenters let your giggles and guffaws subside). I see things, quickly, others don't want to see them. I imagine "love" could come quicker if I was a little less educated, but like Popeye, "I am's what I am's" And that is, sitting across from you, with eyes, and ears more open than most. I wish I could turn it off, and yes the Red Tenters in joint chorus would proclaim, " for a certain someone you are blinder and more naive than a 13 year old with her first crush" and yes they would say it together in chorus, I've been frustrating them so long by this. But no more, as I stated in my last Blog, Mr Big is where he should be.
Leaving me wide eyed and hopeful, except for http://www.jud.ct.gov/jud2.htm. Do you know what a date ruin er this site is? Is it too much to ask for someone with integrity? Who does not need to be brought into court and FORCED to pay child support?
It is bad enough I see more than i want to in a few minutes, but to have access to more than I need to know at the push of a few buttons? Between googling someone, and facebooking them, it is too tempting to ignore and yet...

A male friend of mine sent me a story about dating and an apple tree, what I remember most is I have to wait for the guys willing to climb to the top of the tree, where I am perched, ripe for the picking. Good thing I like hanging out in the sun.

I've been holding out on you

I am up to date 6.  I have placed Mr Big in his appropriate place in my life, like the reruns of SITC, nice to bump into occasionally, but not going looking for it. And date number 6, well it gave me hope.

4 was nice enough. Said good things about his parents, and grandparents and kids. I was a bit turned off by the obvious dropping of " I have an in ground pool". Been there done that. Money is not what moves me, not that  there's anything wrong with having it, it was fun while I had it, it's just I need more, and using it as a lure, probably does impress some women, not me. And "dropping" that you have it..gag

Date 5 almost had me giving up on the bet, and asking to see his insurance card so I can get reimbursed by his company's mental health plan. Note to the guys: Mentioning the word depression 6 times in an hour is a turn off on a first date.

Date 6 shows promise. It came about differently, a mutual acquaintance suggested it. Lovely conversation, two way! and interesting. He is more than his job, and kids, and no mention of anything hateful about the ex wife.
And followed up with an email that evening...hmmmm  perhaps there is still hope. :-)

Driver's Ed

I remember the first day of Driver's Ed. I remember Mr Tarrant telling all of us we will be driving a two ton killing machine. I remember being appropriately afraid. Scaring the daylights out of teens who naturally think they are invinsible is a good thing. Gory pictures of people with poles sticking out of their bodies. Heart wrenching poems from kids allegedly bleeding out written to the moms they left behind, those were GOOD things!
Today I had to sit in with Alex's first driver's ed class. He will remember almost falling asleep, twice. There was no jarring.....wake up you could kill someone! There was a whole lot of going over the new laws in CT, twice written a third time read thru each written and then finally a video put out by the state, and even though we are in a state of the art auditorium, we watched it on the same portable TV I watch my lame videos on.

There was lengthy explanation that they had to wait an hour after each beer to drive ( REALLY??? these are TEENAGERS!) There was a few minutes making jokes about how crack, weed and booze don't mix with driving. How about they don't do your body any good either ?? and oh yeah, they are illegal, he may have mentioned that off hand. The primary message to parents was if your kid screws up and totals the car, do not run out and get them a new car. a duh??? I don't know maybe someone in the room needed to hear that.
I just feel that if the state of CT wants 2 hours of my time, please make it worth it. It could have been covered in 30 minutes. I think the boys' dad & I will draw straws for the next one.

I want my son to learn how to drive, carefully. I want there to be a machine set up to lower his teststerone once he gets behind the wheel. These classes need to do more than drone, after all, these kids have been sitting for 6 hours already. When we were walking out Alex asked me how many more he had to take, I hated telling him he would be sitting thru 15 more classes like that. Hopefully not like that. They are being taught skills to navigate the largest weapon, with any luck, most of them will ever encounter. I do hope he will be engaged and able to focus. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Women & Body Image

Women, we walk & we talk and we criticize and bemoan. We can't rid of this, that's too big, too jiggly. I remember one time in my life where I was happy with my body image. Unfortunately it was a very low point of my life, and I was not eating and I was exercising, hard, 6-10 hours a week. And not eating, and breastfeeding. That's when I thought I looked my best. How sad.

All through high school I thought I was fat. This was high school graduation. When I look back at this young woman now, there's so much I would tell me.
Not the least of which was to enjoy this body, appreciate it. Most of my friends were very petite, but by many standards I was petite as well, barely 5'4". But they were barely 5', so I felt like an over sized giant. It's all perspective.

This was me during my college years on a trip to Aspen. Again, I thought I was fat. I did not enjoy this body either, I was critical and angry that I did not have the long waist and gradually sloping hips pasted on the cover of magazines. I did not ever notice what I did have, just what I didn't. Do you see how the sweater has so much blousing space between my bust & waist.?  I didn't notice.

And after giving birth to three kids, I felt fat in Hawaii. Yes, I wore a bikini, with a constant cover up. I remember all that week feeling self conscious and lumbering. What was I thinking? What are we thinking?

There have been times I have indeed been fat. My last year of Grad school while I saw over 25 clients a week, plus drove 6 + hours, plus sat in classes for another 6 and ate only at fast food resturants, I was fat. I have the graduation pictures to prove it. After a break-up a few years ago I spent a  while drowning in peanut m&m's. I got fat then too. Since the new year I have been working hard on loosing weight and exercising more. It took 7 weeks to lose the first three pounds. I cannot give up, not just for the weight, but for the health. I have decided that on a day to day basis today, I need to feel good about myself.

I , we, will never be any younger than we are today. Today is a day to choose to feel good about the body we have and all the things it does for us. Even if. No,  no "even if". 

Less criticizing, more appreciating. 

16 Years ago today

I met a boy. A boy who would change my life in profound and delightful ways. I never felt more right. More tired, more frustrated, more love, more joy, more worry. And nothing and everything has changed.

I labored, and had no idea I was in labor with my Bichon at my side, watching "Arthur" on TV at 2 am. When I woke up Alex's dad at 5:00, we still had no idea it was real. We got to the hospital at 7:30 and Alex made his appearance of 11:03 a.m.( do not be jealous, every subsequent child took longer) The nurse chided me for having natural child birth.(B*&ch)

As a first time mom, I didn't think to protest when they took him from me to warm him under the fake lights. By my second baby I knew to hold him next to my skin to achieve the same result in a more loving fashion. And to challenge standard hospital procedure in favor of what was best for my child. He made me stronger. It was surreal, I was expected at work, he was a week early.

I had heard things, like you loose all sense of modesty...and I did, anyone and everyone who could help me figure out breastfeeding was welcome to observe, manipulate and assist. I remember standing bare chested at the hospital window waiting for the lactation consultant, when I realized I was bare chested looking out the hospital window. Hello down there in the parking lot! Nothing mattered, well nothing but him. I recall being driven home and realizing people, like my mom, and my grandparents, and siblings, and husband and his family and friends, all expected me to keep this baby alive. Holy Crap!  It was overwhelming, and I was 28 with a Masters degree! I prayed every night that year, that he was alive when I woke up in the morning. Lucky for both of us he didn't actually believe in sleeping at night, for the full year.

There are many things no one tells you, cause you wouldn't believe them. And I know Alex has no way of knowing how profoundly his coming into my life effected me, and he will not know until a someone places his child in his own arms. The depth and ability to love we humans are capable of. It is magnificent.

16 years later and I know Panda, you don't get why sometimes I just need to see you, look at you and just absorb your presence every once in a while.That I miss carrying you to bed by piggy back, which I did until your legs were longer than mine. That I miss how easy just snuggling and cuddling was, but how happy I am for you about the pride you take in your nutrition and maturing body. I know you look to the future full of hope, excitement and great possibilities. And I wake from a dead sleep in a full sweat at the thought of you driving on our windy New England roads. And I do my best to smile for you, encourage you forward and keep the tears and worry to myself.

Roots & Wings my mom always said, "Give them roots, then give them wings". And a job done well means they leave you. This kind of sucks, no one tells you that.

Happy Valentine's Day

I have single friends who are getting together tonight to shred pics of love lost. I have single friends who HATE this day because it reminds them of a perceived hole in their lives. I know married people who also loathe this day, as "it's" not what Hallmark is trying to sell us.

What I know is, Love is everywhere. I went thru the phase of  bemoaning the holiday when I was not in a relationship 4 years ago. Seeing couples EVERYWHERE, especially in commercials. Just as moving into a new home is now where near as fun as commercials make it out to be ( boy was I disappointed when I found that out!) all those couples in the restaurant are not living what you don't have.
And the absence of a significant other on this one day, is not enough to make me ignore all the love from all the other sources in my life. Although at one point in time it would have.

We all have love around us and within us. We are whole and enough, We just need to notice it. And if you aren't noticing it, I have one question for you. Are you being lovable? To yourself, to others.

So Happy Valentine's Day to the singles & the married, happily & working on it. To the deeply involved and the friends forever. It's a day to celebrate love in all it's forms!

It's HEEERRRRREEEEEE

I tried, for as long as possible, to hold on to hope that Alex would be "back" before Michael started adolescents. Well I tried. But It's here. The Big It. The boys equivalent to " that time of the month" puberty. The signs were coming the past few months, his eyes bugging out of his head whenever scantily clad women were on TV, his guffaws under his breathe when an innuendo was heard lately he has joined his bothers in holding to the family jewels as if they were dangling by a thin being of tatter skin off their pelvis'. CONSTANTLY. As much as I have reassured them that, to my knowledge, only Lorraina Bobbet was successful as removing the valued apendage, they apparently think 24 hour security is the only truly safe measure to take. I do not recall my brothers doing this, nor remember the 15 years of living with their father being fraught with fear that " it" would fall off. Our sons do not share this confidence, or it just feels to good to let go! ( Good thing they don't read my blog)! To be fair, Alex is a gentleman, he just checks occasionally to make sure it's there still.

So back to my adieu to their childhood and heave ho! into teenagerdom. Yesterday morning, in no less than 30 minutes Michael defied me 7 times. It was tell tale signs, I said, "would you please put your shoes on before you eat", he said " later". I do not tend to micro manage my kids, they have done really well with responsibility being placed squarely on their shoulders, but Michael is my pokey puppy absent-minded professor. Maybe defied is too strong of a word. But as my last hold out of a child who mostly listens and actively tries to please, it stung. The final straw, when I knew clearly I was no longer dealing with my sweet little boy, even with all the data I have already reported was what I will refer to as the " Throw Down". His adolescence decided to make sure I knew it was here in the car on the way to school. Michael has always tended to wear his food on his face. It baffled me how I could accurately tell at 5 p.m. what he had had for breakfast & lunch, with the social stigma's of Middle School hard to shake, I thought it important to point out to him the orange ring around his mouth. I handed him a tissue to wipe his face in the car, and  wait for it.
He defiantly threw it on the floor. That's when I knew. It's over. 9 weeks shy of his 13th birthday, he's a teen.
God help me.

Name Game

I think for all parents naming your children is something you do not enter into lightly. Every Evan, Moon Beam Zappa and Taylor came after some consideration, Whether it be family tradition handed down 14 generations such as my neighbor,or  a couple's story, as in the case with Sunday Kidman Urban, or a lucky draw from the baby name book. Each has a story. Here is ours:
My first born was supposed to be Sarah. In my heart of hearts that baby was a girl. Everyone but his future Godmother whose is also my Goddaughter Alexandra, thought he was a she. So when his head popped out and the Dr took one look at his long eyelashes and declared him a boy even before the bits were revealed, he took after her and there he goes. His middle name honors my Grandfather.

When Sarah was a no show the first time, she was moved to second string for the second child, being trumped by Rebecca. Since there was a good chance this too would be a boy child I wanted to be ready. I remember so clearly the day I sat on the family room floor with the baby book open scouring for boy names I liked. I was struggling. Patrick? Douglas? Then it hit me. My favorite guy of all time, ever...St Nicholas. What a wonderful legacy to be handing down to a child. Named after the best guy, the best spirit of children. Done. He too took on a grandfather's middle name, that just so happened to also be his dad's name.

By the time the third child rolled around, having gone into the birthing room blind twice, we decided to get that ultra sound that removed any doubt. We still had Sarah, Rebbecca and now Ally floating around waiting for a little princess to name. Alas, an appendage was spotted and we would have no wedding to pay for in the future. Knowing this would be the last child there was a brief moment of      oh     but quickly all the fun and ease of same sex family came to mind. And I felt blessed.

Around this time a neighbor stopped by. I think it was something about borrowing tools. Anyway, as I stood in the front door with a very large belly, a baby on a hip and one running around my legs, he asked about their names.When I told him he said, " Oh you are going with the Russian Czars! How great!" I tried very hard to  keep my ignorance from showing and just smiled and nodded, "Yeah that's right." The relief of this chance encounter was I now had a focus for my third boy. As I researched I found Catherine The Great, Alexander The Great, his son Nicholas the Bold, and a whole bunch of generations where they kept passing their names back and forth. I also found a Simon, we already had a Bichon by that name so we were set there. I was left with Peter and Mikhail. That seemed easy. I could not go from such strong names as Alexander & Nicholas to simply Peter, so Michael it was. And again, a grandfather's name follows his first.

It felt right, complete. Then I met people, many people who had stories, well warnings actually, about "Michael". And they swarmed me. And acted like this was a well known fact, like the law of gravity. What goes up comes down, name a kid Michael and you will have a run for your money. One women, while I was still pregnant and at her husband's 50th birthday party took me aside and said "Don't do it, I married one and I named one, don't do it". Well I did not want to look like a dope to my neighbor; I had made a commitment to my fake intelligence after all, so we did it.
And he was a bit    different.  He was the only child I had to harness, in his high chair,& in his stroller, serious 5 point restraint. I had to actually buy him a different car seat, because unlike his two big brothers who never attempted to get out of theirs, he fashioned himself a regular Houdini.  At 2,  when Michael said he wanted to wear his red shirt, he would put on every red shirt he had in his closet. He was my only child who climbed out of his crib. I will forever remember the night I heard a strange grunting coming from the hall only to find my baby straddling the gate at his bedroom door. Yes, I had to but a gate at his bedroom door. 
While waiting in the line for the ferry to Block Island one year he took off away from me at full speed, I went running after him in between cars, any of which could move or open a door in an instant. A man stepped out 50 yards in front of me and swooped my son up in his arms. As he handed him back to me he smiled and shook his head " Michael?" He asked. I breathlessly nodded and he said " I am a high school principal, more trouble with Micheals than any other name. "  UGH.  A year or so later we were at the Irish Festival in Danbury. The boys were with their cousins all pre-school and toddler aged. The adults, FOUR of us, were standing outside the blow-up obstacle course the kids were running through. We kept looking, kept counting. 1 2 3 4 5 6... 1 2 3 4 5 6... Then when it was time to end their turn we only had five. Leaving the older boys with their Aunt & Uncle his dad & I fanned out across the Westconn campus. The panic in my heart is impossible to describe. I ran one way, he ran another.There were families everywhere, cooking tents, cars, the stage. and at this time no cells phones. About 25 minutes later we found him, he had toddled down to the amphitheater and climbed up on some man's lap to watch. ( The very kind gentleman said he was suspicious since the child had only socks on, that his parents might not know where he was)  As I took him from the police, and held him in my arms, he simply said "I wanted to hear the music" His breakfast food of choice has been chicken noodle soup since he was 5, ( he rarely gets sick). He's My Michael. He may very well be the death of me.
In a house full of Russian Czars, perhaps I should not be so surprised by the amount of territorial fighting. Maybe somehow I set that up. I should look up who wins, I hope it's Catherine the Great.

Close Encounters with Cougar Bait

So we went out last night. I will admit I am not much for the bar scene. My feet hurt from the shoes, you cannot actually hear what anyone is saying, and I am way to practical to blow ten bucks on one drink.But I do like to dance, so we went out last night and wow...

I was deep into a conversation with a female acquaintance when a strapping young man placed his elbows on the chairs we were both sitting on and asked for permission to ( and I quote) " Hit on us". Points obviously for honesty and frankness. Amused I granted him permission to " Give us your best shot" He countered with " I am 6 feet tall and a lawyer". Not a bad opening, if you are into tall, successful men.

When I asked him what possessed him to interrupt what was clearly an intense conversation ( I know it sounds rude, he didn't get it)  His response was merely, "I think you are attractive."  OK. Then he told me he'd been practicing law for one year. ONE YEAR. making him ??25? 26?

After that, it kind of went down hill.. I found out he lives in my town ( small world) and I was afraid to ask anymore as I felt it there was a good possibility he still lived with his mom and dad. After he declared his work life as off limits, claiming it is way too boring to talk about ( Tax attorney) and apparently unaware that he too could ask some questions he just kind of sauntered away. He was yummy though, in a Lifetime Movie outdoorsy brilliant kind of way.


We met up again on the dance floor. Michael Jackson's "Thriller" was on. He stopped short of declaring I should know all the moves since it came out, in " my time" He did stop short of saying that, but just short of saying it, as in..." How do you not know all the moves wasn't this ...." If he wasn't so damn tall I would have put him over me knee.

My friend & I, on the way home disagreed about what name we thought he told us. So this morning when she looked up on the MLS an Ed or Kenny buying a house 7 months ago in our town, she came up empty. Maybe we should have gotten his dad's name.

P.S. I put the shoes on half an hour before we went out. They hurt too much. 

Off the hook- 20 date challenge

Well I almost had date 4 & 5 locked up. Almost as in, doesn't count unless you are playing horseshoes. Then, they fell off the hook, or perhaps I inadvertently took the hook out of their mouths. #4 seemed somewhat promising. The first time we spoke, not only did he make me laugh, but at the time he was COOKING....for a party he was going to. You had me at spatula.  Then, when I was unable/ unwilling to ditch my children on my BIRTHDAY to meet him for drinks, he disappeared back into the murk of the pond. Seriously, I do think he was asking a lot. Maybe some women would have done it. Not me, he doesn't get me.

Number 5 was even more of a mystery. After constant texting for two days, and a quick but sweet phone call, I woke up on my Bday to a text stating he woke up with a smile on his face thinking about me. Now my Red Tent mates all went "Awww" when I shared this with them. Several made jokes about what a " Smile on my face thinking about you" was a metaphor for.  But not a one got my alarm, then again none of them have their Master in Marriage & Family Therapy.  I know too much. And if I can make someone who has never seen me or met me smile, well that has just about nothing to do with me. We still chatted a bit that day, I was rolling with it.
Then Sunday evening, after the kids & I returned from hearing my favorite folk artist, Kevin Briody, playing at the Wilton library, I received a " Cathy, are you ok?" text. Apparently he had an expectation to hear from me sooner. Pretty sure I had not said it was a possibility. I knew what my day entailed. And I felt strangled. I do not need to be checking in with someone I have not even met yet to let them know my whereabouts. You know? Back off buddy. I've got three busy kids and two jobs, a life and until I know you are worth moving things around for, you get what I can give. Funny thing is, we did recover again from this and last I heard we bid each other Good Night on Sunday, then he disappeared back into the pond.

So the truth is, you never do know what's in that pond, what baggage they are swimming around with. Which other hooks they are potentially eyeing. And maybe, some of this is just out of my hands and at the right time
for me & for him, a fish that fits will be near my hook just when I am ready to pull it out of the water.

What should have been number 6, but now is number 4 is Sunday.. Stay tuned

The importance of school & Netflix

Notice I said school. not education. That's a whole other blog entry.

School is important because siblings are away from each other for 6 hours of the day, annoying, most likely not annoying, other people. Separate buildings or separate classrooms should not be underrated.They are finding out about themselves in the relationship to others, top dog, under dog... caveman pecking order..with their peers. And they keep it contained, no adult intervention needed. That's a good thing for me especially.

I lost it on Sunday, and I rarely loose it. I used words I am sure my kids thought I did not even know. Not only that, I completely disregarded my previous post about " Just shutting up" and I drew energy from down deep within me to continue to go on. Man I felt better!It felt sooooo Good!  Had to suppress a giggle when I was done. It was THAT good. And it bought me a silent car ride and 3/4 of a peaceful birthday lunch with their Grandma, not bad...I just don't want to do it again anytime soon and these snow days, are not helping.

School is important because my floor stays clean from 7 am till 4 pm. No snow /ice and salt tracks abound.
Not washing every beach towel we own that has been used, again, to soak up the melting mess we now know as CT. Less laundry too.

School is important because I don't have to think about food from 6:30am till 4 pm. How is it they are hungry every hour when they are home and make it through 6 hours at school without goldfish and cookies and apples and grapes and soup and hot chocolate?

School is important because the kitchen does not need to get cleaned again until after dinner. Saving on water, dish detergent and aggravation. The build up of dishes and drinks! How they make it thru a school day is beyond me.

School is important because they have a host of other adults praising them, keeping them in line, saying much the same things I say to them. I have my back-up. & I appreciate those good men & women.

Now Netflix.....well I have a whole new appreciation for that as well now :-) Enjoy the next two days folks..47 days till spring.