I'm at war

My God Daughter Alex & Michael

Is it just me, or does everyone else with kids over 11 feel like finding time to "be" with our kids is an impossibility? We are on the move, & my kids are not over scheduled. it's just life. Life. My oldest work about 6 hours a week, far less than I did at his age, yet he is busier than I ever remember being. Yes my middle is now on the Freshman Basketball team ( way to go Nick!) but it is not more time than his daily gym time, and the youngest, now that football season is over, is committed to  only 2 1/2 hours a week. Yet, it took 2 weeks to find time to decorate the Christmas tree, and even that was done in record time. Less than 15 minutes I think. All the while Alex worked hard to position himself so his face was never in a picture.

My Elf NIck, Alex, avoiding a direct face camera shot

I know, if the worst thing my son does is grunt at me and not let me take his picture, I am sure I will look back at his adolescence with a sense of relief, but for now, it is SO annoying!
 But I am trying to fight the good fight. Trying to make sure we eat dinner together more often than not, atleast for the 15 minutes I can get them to sit down.  We are planing a holiday outing for this weekend. But do I have to kidnap them and take them out of state for us all to be together?

So where does this time go? For my part I am happy to say my practice is busier than ever, so some time in the evening goes there. Mostly though it's homework. and studying and I don't know. I just want to yell " Stop".
So I am changing my Christmas list, all I want for Christmas is time with my kids, sitting by the tree, playing some board games, Just being with each other, that's all, and um if they can not try to kill each other, that would be AWESOME. But I don't want to be greedy.

Christmas for dummies

Don't hate me becuase I am done. Done with the shopping, wrapping and labelling. The radio station is permanently on 97.5 for Christmas music all the time. Working on the cards, to add letter or not to add letter, that is the question....But don't hate me because I am done. This is my favorite time of year, and what with honors classes, my two jobs, sports etc, I find the time to actually enjoy the season with my boys gets more and more difficult, so I try to be "done" by Thanksgiving to squeeze any moment of Christmas cheer out of  our month of December. The halls are decked, the house smells like pine, I have forgotten what half of the presents I got for the boys are ( making the unwrapping exciting for me as well!)
I was dismayed recently to hear my youngest God-daughter no longer believes in Santa. Dismayed is an understatement. My own children still believe in Santa, or atleast have never admitted to me anything otherwise, and Wise of them that is. I found out her mom has some fairly ametuer Christmasing skills, you'd never know she also has a 15 year old with the rookie mistakes she has been making. So I thought I'd share a few of my personal tips, as in my family Christmas is synoymous with "Aunt Cathy", I feel as if I know a little something about this.

First of all, I suggest every parent learn this song, and sing it as often as White Christmas or Deck The Halls:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1_qhKppEDo

It was one of my best memories from my Grandmother's apartment in Queens when I was a child.

Next: Make sure your children know you believe in Santa. Naming my second child after him helped in my house.

Next: Have "Santa Sacks" A pillow case decorated for each child for Santa to place their unwrapped presents in. This way it is clear what is from Santa and what is from other family members. Plus it saves the ol' guy & the elves from wrapping gifts, VERY GREEN of you!

Next: Believe Believe in magic, and love, believe in possibility and delight. Believe in the spirit of Christmas and children, in fun and innocence. They are children for such a short time, let it last as long as possible.


And remember what Santa brings, more than the toys or gadgets, the socks and jewelry, is a reminder that honoring our children, symbolized by one specific baby boy, who, as I heard in a funny movie reference a few weeks ago " Just happened to be born on Christmas Day", is really what this time of year is all about.They are, after all, the greatest gift.

It's not your mother's Chiddy Bang

So for Nick's 15th birthday he wanted to go to a concert. His current favorite artist is a group called Chiddy Bang. We found they were playing at Gettysburg College ( just a short 6 hour drive) on November 4th. After many difficult attempt to find out how to get tickets we scored an handful for Nick and his closest buds.
$25 each- gotta love at least that.

ChiddyBang

So at the end of a ridiculous week sans electricity we ventured off ( at least they didn't have to leave school early), I sprung for a hotel room just for the warm shower. Driving 6 hours with 5  14/15 year old boys- my friends called occasionally, it was a nice reprieve from the rap music. I cannot handle the swears or graphic references. Since when did the F -word become melodic?  or the how-to's of sex acts become fodder for lyrics? Am I old???  What happened to insinuated sex, like "afternoon delight" or "lay me down in the tall grass & let me do my stuff" The boys were concerned about how I would react at the concert,(my nephew was supposed to chaperon, but had to work, lucky me) I told Nick I brought soap to put in their mouths if they swore ( YOU know I'm kidding right?) He looked at me in earnest and said, " Mom, he (Chiddy) had a really rough life up to now, you shouldn't do that" 
I swear, as smart as my boys are......
Well old fashioned me entertained the troops for a bit with some logic games, " I'm going on a picnic..." etc. & they begged for more.
Gettysburg is lovely,what I saw of it. Definitely have to go check it out when I have more time. We were told to go to the college early to get in line- it was a standing performance in a ballroom, yeah!!!! So we stood, 1/1/2 hours before the concert started. Meanwhile, Nick was suffering from whatever Alex had at the beginning of the week, poor guy. He was really uncomfortable & dragging. There were two other acts before the main attraction. I am pretty sure I was the oldest person in the room except for a few of the security guards.& equally as confident that every rapper who came to our side of the stage, (we scored front row standing) looked at me like " What are you doing here old lady?" I had a lot of eye contact with confused rappers that night.
One song that I particularly despise repeats the word " ass" like 28 times as the opening chords. The kids found out I hated it on the ride down. So when one of the acts started singing it. the newest member of our crew looked at me for my reaction. I leaned into him and said, " I didn't bring enough soap for the whole place." He apparently also believed me, as several days later he shared this story with Alex, who could not join us due to his SAT schedule. Damn serious life.

Chiddy came out, Nick perked up, I lifted my head from the resting position on my arm. Thank God there was a rail there to hold me up. Is that rude? To be in the front row at a concert and take a quick nap before the main act? Heck, I'm old, give me a break. Standing for 4 1/2 hours is not fun or easy. The boys had a bit of an education about college students. One particularly low self esteemed co-ed was screaming next to us offering her body up to Chiddy for carnal purposes, although her offer was much less classier than the way I phrased it. and loud, and repetitious. And in front of my 14/15 year olds. Ah well, concerts are different than I remember in the 80's. I was concerned about drunk students or wafting weed, neither were there ( thank God) So in hindsight I could have dropped them off and layed on a bed watching TV for a few hours and the worst they would have been exposed to was the co-eds rubbing their dancing bods up against their backs.
I had a rather loud and obnoxious one falling into me, and screaming in my ear~ I didn't want to be  "THAT MOM" as Nick calls me, but I also had some tummy issues that night,  so she cleared out rather quickly. Don't mess with a middle aged woman chicky.
Oh you Chitty Chitty Bang Bang . Pretty Chitty Bang Bang I love you.

Don't mess with mother's instinct

So, I have been waiting for this to happen, the innocence of adolescence to have it's inevitable break-off into rebellion. For as much as #1 takes his space, he does (did) always stay in between the lines. Until last night. & I had a feeling... Gotta love Mother's instinct. It warns, it protects. It teaches you the silence you sometimes hear is a cry for help, tells you to go back home, even though it doesn't make sense to, and draws on the deep connection between parent & child. So last night, when he was around me, and his energy was a buzz, I had a feeling, and I did nothing. It has to happen, I cannot control all, nor should I, so I did nothing.

But this morning, when the feeling was still there I cruised by the house he was supposed to have been at- no car, then his regular sleep-over haunts, after each one, no car. Then I called his dad. He confessed to me later, he initially thought I was crazy for driving by all the houses. I could have called #1- but I knew he would not be up. So instead I called the parents of all the regulars.

What I uncovered was an elaborate web of attempted deceit. Bill was allegedly slept at Mark's, Mark allegedly slept at Brian's, Brian was supposed to be at Robert's etc. The result was a large amount of angered parents, in disbelief, at this man hunt for my son, and then their own. One mom went to check bed's to see if maybe someone was there. But no such luck. & at the same time- classic

So the next step was finding him. He was where he usually is, at NYA working out, or on his way there. He knew, when he picked up the phone & I said, " stay where you are I am on my way". The gig was up. His Dad beat me there, and I arrived to a shaking, pacing teenager, and his dad standing in the parking lot. There had been a party they wanted to go to. He thought I'd have said "NO", apparently the entire friend group decided their parents would say "no" so instead of giving us a chance, they took matters into their own hands and lied. On top of it, he drove, w/ people in the car. I think I was most upset about his lack of giving me a chance.

So consequences have been handed out. Hugs and apologies made. & I am sure I have sprouted a gray hair or two this morning. And we add another thread to this complicated quilt of our relationship and lives together. & mostly I thank God it took until he was 16 1/2 before anything like this has happened & I had the trust in my gut instinct to risk looking like a fool as I drove all over town searching for him.

Thank God for the village-

Nick's response to the whole thing;" He should have parked his car at the house he told you he was going to be at then gotten a ride to the party." - I think I am in trouble with that one.

lesson's on the road

Nick's best bud & my part time son, Matt, had a devastating event happen in his life. It's not mine to tell, and in some ways, the event is  no where near as important as the lesson the boys learn from it all. Stuff that kids should never have to deal with, adults either for that matter, but somehow we are supposed to be tougher.

It was like every other day, well almost every other day. Laz, Matt's dad, dropped Matt, Nick & their crew off at Blue Jays to go apple picking. The boys wanted to do traditional fall activities, I was working a booth for Cultural Care Au Pair ( contact me for info)

 and gave Nick a 20 and sent them off to the orchards. When they were done they wanted to go get wings at a local sports & wings hang out place. It was really an  enjoyable afternoon. We got home & the kids went out on the trampoline. a regular old beautiful Sunday afternoon.
The Matt's mom called. I could tell immediately something was wrong. Everyone was ok, but I took Matt home for  few hours. Nick texted periodically with appropriate comments. " What can we do?", " Tell them I am here for them" The important moment came when we got home.

While Matt was getting things situated in the kitchen, Nick was in the Man Cave. I was curious why he did not come upstairs. I went down to see him . he was playing a game on his itouch. " He's back" I said. Nick nodded. " You need to go upstairs and see him." He ignored me. Playing his game. I started getting annoyed.
I did not want my sons to shy away from feelings. Feelings may be  uncomfortable but they can be managed & I was flooded with all the adult men in my practice who will do just about anything but feel an uncomfortable feeling. And all the women who sit in my office, feeling alone with their husband sitting 3 inches away from them. I was not going to let him lose this opportunity to feel bad and handle it. So I said. " You are not going to leave him hanging up there. You are going up stairs, giving him a hug and saying " I'm sorry"" Nick had tears in his eyes, and wasn't moving. "Now" I said. 

He walked by me wordless, and wiped his tears as he went up the stairs. A few minutes later I walked in on the besties hugging it out in my kitchen. Not a word was spoken, but none were needed. Being there- is- being there.

When I went in to say good night to Alex, I said to him, "Have you seen Matt?"  " Is he here?" he asked.
" Yeah , he is downstairs."  " Oh," says Alex.  Not breaking his stride in getting into bed. " I feel really bad for him."  Oy vey- " You could tell him that," I coach, " Go downstairs, he's here." 
" Nay, that would be awkward:" he responds, pulling the covers up to his neck.
One at a time I guess.
I'm proud of Nick, really proud. we all need to teach our children they can handle their emotions, even the difficult ones. Just feel them, do not be afraid of them.
And the lesson, besides Nicks, is that life changes in an instant, any instant. I had complained to two different people about being a little bored lately that very morning. - no more. I was reminded that day of how precious our blessings are, and how they can be taken away in an instant.

Imagine

I spoke to another therapist this morning, an old supervisee. She needed confirmation of the hours I spent supervising her (I was supposed to keep that?) Luckily she has that. We commiserated about parenting teens. Her daughter was just entering what we referred to as " the dark ages" and she was blown away when I told her I have the three all in the midst. We talked about how thankless the job is, how lonely it can feel, especially when you are a single mom, how emotionally painful it truly can be. And mostly we laughed at the insanity of it all.

About how asking my son one simply question results in a screaming " Why are you interrogating me?"
Or when a slight adjustment in my tone is met with "You don't have to freak out about it mom!" or
"Mom's freaking out about it"- they like saying that-collectively as if we are at war & I am the crazy one.
Luckily,? Nick has seen me in all out freak-out mode,  Once- I opened a can of Costco sized Whoop Ass on him, and it had as much potency as can of Redi-whip. But it does serve as a marker, so when I am accused of  '"Freaking Out" I can just turn to Nick, who lowers his head, or smirks and says, " Nope, um, no that is NOT her freaking out." & I feel validated by that, in a strange way.

So my friend shared how she would pay a taxi to take her daughter to the airport rather then endure the 30 minutes of berating and character assassination her daughter liked to load on her during car rides.

She told me of the moment she "knew". She was in the shower & her daughter stormed in the bathroom waving a shirt & screaming about it having been discolored in the wash. She informed her daughter of the obvious " Well I am taking a shower right now and we will discuss this when I am done in a few minutes."

When she went down the hall, dry and dressed, to speak with her daughter, her daughter was singing and dancing around the room, and greeted her with a cheerful " Hi mom". It was at this moment, she knew she wasn't in Kansas anymore.
I remember my moment also, I recall walking into MY office, while Alex was working on MY computer and asking him a question about his plans. I was met with the Teenage Anthem for the first time. " Mom, it's my life, back off". I believe he was 13 at the time also. I have to say, I covered my mouth so he would not see the smile. I know that is NOT the appropriate reaction for the Teen Declaration of Independence. but it was my first time, & I was naively excited for my overly obedient child to develop some chops.

She asked me how I get through it. I gave props to my Red Tent crew. I have the oldest kids of us all, so mostly they just nod and coo at my pain and suffering. The know their turn is coming. What I like best is how non-judgemental they are, and how when I am referring to my kids in less than favorable terms, they laugh and say, " I wonder what they would think if they knew you called them that." Especially me who, in my friend group, is the Mary Poppins of swears. It's the laughing that's the best part. The laughing that gets me through.
Like this morning, when I mentioned to Alex I was starting a detox program next week. And he said, "Oh are you getting rid of all the wrinkles in your face?" and you know I didn't even throw something at him, so I say "Yeah me." and laugh- he was thinking Botox, so that's good, I guess.

am I a good parent?

Gosh, I'd like to think so. But boy can I think of lots of examples of how I'm not, or how my relationship with my kids is not all I wished it could be.
My last client of the evening, as she was leaving, remarked. "You must have an advanage over all of us, doing what you do, as a mom." I'm not sure what my expression was, I am thinking deer stuck in the headlights. I looked at her husband, who has an adult child, as well as their two little ones, and said.' Feel free to ask my kids in 10-15 years, I am sure they will have stories and opinions."  He nodded acknowledgement of the marathon that is parenting, not the crazed sprint each day feels like when your kids are under 6.

Being a mom was something I knew I wanted to be as long as I could remember. I had names, first and middle, picked out for 6 kids in my diaries of my teen years. 6 kids ala the brady bunch. well except for the widowed part. Fish fish I got half my wish ( so far)
I guess I know some stuff. I took parent training classes in my early 20's & again when I actually had kids. (GEEK)And of course years of  therapy in training to become a therapist. So yeah, I may no more then the average bear about some stuff. I was always fasinated by child development information or birth order, so I read alot.And I have a philosophy of parenting that appears to be working out so far.
 But I also learn ,with great admiration , the ways other people do things. Some of my own clients, with affectionate  & honest realationships with their teens, or listening to my sons' friends saying " love you mom" automatically when they hang up the phone (a phrase resevered for the last line of manipulating me in our house) make me feel as if I am doing something wrong. I know Alex's stoic personality, is who he is, and my job is to accept him as that and not focus on what I had hoped our realtionship would be & I feel Nick slipping into the adolescent abyss.

Luckily, on any given night, the judgement is not handed down. Parenting is a marathon and the jury is out for a while ( thank God) . So this stoic, abyss phase will hopefully pass, or atleast change bit before the third one steps off onto the swinging bridge. ( see older post) and with any luck over Thanksgiving dinner in a decade or so,  I will get my report card from the boys, or maybe over a quick bite to catch up on their lives, I will hear what I did right, or wrong. How a moment I was not really thinking about mattered, and I got it perfectly for them, or laugh at how hard I tried and failed at other times.

What I have found, is that parents who atleast ask that question I posed above, are generally in really good shape. What I am sure of is we all do the best with what we know at the time, and when we know more, we do better.
Drink plenty of water and stretch     we're going to be a while.

Sleep-overs & couples therapy

It's not what you think. Me & 4 boys in my basement.
Wait that's not sounding right.
So I'm walking down the stairs to do a check on the 4 teens hanging out in my basement, when I am stopped on the stairs. " So Cat, ( I prefer that to Mrs Roche, who is my ex mother in-law, and not who I am at all) how do you break up with a girl?"

"Why do you ask?" I inquire.

"Mom. your calves are huge"- thanks Nick, I know, a genetic mutation, my calves are as huge as my brother's. No skinny jeans ( not that my hips cooperate with that anyway) or tall boots. Anyway, I digress.

Then I worked hard that hour, coaching on text responses, insisting of break ups being over the phone, if in person is not possible. Asking them to refrainn from the initial juvemile responses they had to the bait from the girls. It's fascinating watching them struggle through creating appropriate boundaries, trying to own their own emotions and weigh that against fear and potential.

" It just ends sometimes right?",one asks me." You can just not feel the same about someone"

"Yes" I say with more weight than I wished to convey. I recover quickly with a " At your age you are growing and changing and it makes sense to want to see who you are with different people."

When the texts got personal, blaming my son for ruining relationships he had nothing to do with, I needed to show the utmost appropriate response. " I would not even response do that dumb-ass( my new favorite word- sad I know) statement. How do you even talk to her?" ok so I got a little heated. But that was my baby she was bad-mouthing. 
And I stand by- sometimes no response is the best response. Sad to say it took me years to learn that one.

An hour and a half later, fielding many adolescent questions and coaching through much confusion over the females responses. I went to bed.

In the future, I may start asking my son/s friends for copies of their insurance cards before they sleep-over.

Where were you?

I remember growing up, hearing people talk about what they remember about the day Kennedy was shot, or MLK. I know what they are talking about. There is something keen in my memory about that day. I had dropped Nick off for his 90 minute intro to Montessori school, and was at my mother's house, around the corner, when the first plane hit. My sister in law & I watched in horror and disbelief, like everyone else. The beginning of this tragic event joining our nation was happening in what was actually my childhood bedroom, where a small TVsat on a high dresser.
I called my then husband to tell him. His response, was one of the nails in the coffin of our marriage.
 I retrieved Nick from the one room building that had remained unaware of the world events until panic in the eyes of the moms coming to scoop up their babies tipped the teachers off.
Alex was in first grade. At a school he had been at for little more than a week, where I knew almost no one. How grateful I was to the Principal, a man I came to know well and grow very fond of ,who showed me on that day his philosophy of children coming first. He refused to allow radios playing on the buses and sent a teacher on each bus to make sure parents were given the choice to explain what they needed to to their kids. I spent the rest of the daytime, in our unpacked home, alternating watching my little ones play outside and running in to stand in front of the TV with the various tradesmen who were "working" at the house that day. We stood there, with our hands over our mouths at the horror on the screen. With our brains, struggling to understand. My heart was aching for lives lost, for the loved ones, for our country, and for my children's future.
It was a beautiful day, I remember that. I remember wanting to preserve the innocence of my children's right to a beautiful September afternoon. We made a picnic on the front lawn when Alex got home and they watched bugs crawl across it. In the days and weeks that followed, the country singers filled up the airwaves with tribute songs, songs of patriotism and retribution. American strength and God's power. And I cried.

Not wanting to traumatize the children, I seldom exposed them to the atrocities on TV. It seemed like a 24 hour news reel for a while. Information did leak out, they knew something bad had happened, and I explained it as plainly as I could to them.
I remember one day a few weeks after the attacks, Alex walked into the kitchen and said to me" Hey Mom, if Osama Bin Laden thinks that dying is so great ( Alex, understandably, had a hard time getting his 6 year old brain around why the terrorists would choose a suicide mission) then why is he hiding from us?"

An excellent question I thought. and a day I will never forget.
God bless all who have been lost, their families and friends, our children and God bless America.

Where were you when the world stopped turning?

The new car

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP-Sxfntdb4


How strange it is to drive behind your child. ( and balance a camera on the steering wheel)

Unexpected losses of the week

So I have thrown out my share of food, I have had clients not show, and they couldn't call to tell me. I expected this much. My son broke up with his girlfriend of a year, I did not expect that, nor did I expect how sad I am over it.
My mom warned me. She told me after my oldest brother ( still unmarried and facing half a century) brought girl after girl home, a different one to each of his siblings weddings, some longer term than others, she told me, "Don't get attached, it'll break your heart." She was particularly fond of one named Livy who was from Stamford. I think they were together for about a year. I also think Livy was married a year or so after she & my bro broke up.

Anyway, I get attached to their friends. Matt is like a fourth son, who I check on occasionally even when Nick is not hanging out with him, and use his full Christian name when I need to reprimand him. and now apparently to I will be doomed to getting attached to their girlfriends.  He apparently picked a good one. She offered so much more then the much needed estrogen boost in my house. She is a lovely girl with a good heart and an easy going nature.She was not rattled by the crazy testosterone filled house I run. She, being female, understood my perspective on most things. It was nice to have some female back-up.
 There's no place for my sadness.
 My son made his decision based on his experiences and his understanding of his own needs. Neither of which I am privy to entirely. & my job is clearly to support him listening to his own voice and making decisions for himself.
 I did express my extreme unhappiness with the whole Facebook relationship status thing, and his friends
" liking" his new single status. I made him take that down. He saw what I was saying after first protesting how much I "don't understand that it was just a joke" There are some teenage boy jokes I do not find funny.This was one of them.

I hope to teach him to be respectful, even when a decision is made to end a relationship. Especially when there was no fault to it ending.
I am sure I will see her around, and feel an overwhelming desire to hug her and take away the pain. I so clearly remember my first serious relationship break up, and the entire weekend I spent crying on my friend Terri's couch over Kenny. And how hard it was going back to school the next year and seeing him in the hall.
I guess that's what's easier about adult relationships breaking up, you don't have to run into that person.

I know he is hurting to, it was a hard decision, and he is not a kid who lightly hurts others ( except his brother). But this blog is not about him, it's about me.
  As much as I didn't even want my kids to date until they had their college acceptance letter in hand, & I certainly wanted them to date multiple people to learn about themselves and have a lot of life experiences before finding just one. I reallllly liked this girl. and I will miss her.

Come On Irene...& CL&P

I'm writing from Adele's Kitchen. I charge my phone & computers here, shower, curl my hair and get cold drinks here. Irene did not effect her electricity. We are not getting it till maybe next Thursday.

It's not bad really, our toilets flush, the kids' gym memberships provide warm showers for them. My electric bill is going to be almost on existent next month, that's good. Of course I've more than made up for it in buying ice while we eat thru the contents of the freezer.

Oh yeah Adele has a cat, & I'm allergic, she just ventured out to see who was sitting in the kitchen, & tried to rub up against my legs the way cats do. Yuck.

So the upside of Irene:

We were all home & together for 36 hours. We played board games in my bed, the sunniest room in the house, thanks to my picture window that wakes me up at 5 am most mornings. The house has been filled with kids ( which I love). I have read instead of watching Chelsea Lately at night. Nick is reading his second book of the summer, Michael finished his 5th. I got one out of Alex & I am thankful for that. He found merit in "  The Old Man & The Sea" - go figure.  damn cat is back...

They jump on things, counters & such . It's grosse.
 Anyway Adele found me in her driveway the other morning. I had forgotten the code to get in and no one was answering their phones at 7 am.  Luckily she has four outlets by her garage so I plugged in my cell phone, two lap tops to charge & my curling iron, It was going well, I was sitting on the ground in front of my car finishing watching " The Horse Whisperer" on DVD, when she opened the front door to the spectacle and said " What the hell are you doing?" LOL

They say Thursday of next week. The boys are with me for the duration since their dad doesn't have flushing toilets. It's like camping, only not as much fun. But It's all good. OK my eyes are getting itchy- I've got to go. hang in there everyone, worse things have happened. NBD ( that's for Adele)

Riding the storm out

Long ago, when there was a wicked storm, we would make tents in the family room, bake cookies, play games and watch movies. There was a joy and innocence to candle light, cuddling and bad weather. Flash forward to Irene. The impending storm has us grounded, in the same house at least for 30 hours. That , lately, is a treat, in and of itself.
Forced togetherness.

Lately, I am a taxi driver. and now that Alex has his own car to drive, his home is more like a Bed  & Breakfast, except not so much the bed part, just a shower and breakfast. Of course the Italian part in me likes that he comes home for food atleast.

So Irene thank you. I'm not sure about what will happen when we don't have power for a few days & between you & me, God forbid we get that phone call from the school's emergency response system saying school opening will be delayed. But for now, Come on Irene!

Lessons on Kayaking

Years ago I went kayaking at my friend Lisa's beach cottage. The kids had taken a boat to go bridge jumping & Lisa & I were following behind in the kayaks. I struggled, can't exactly explain what the trouble was,but as Lisa glided thru the water seemingly effortlessly making fast movement toward the bridge, I was in mortal combat against stagnant water and directionless momentum. At one point Lisa called to me from across the way," I'm really enjoying watching you try to do this".   LOL

It looks so peaceful doesn't it?

Fast forward,we go to Eastham every year, and there is only so much to do in the cape, the point I suppose, nonetheless, I like to do a little something when on vacation. This year I decided the littlest ones were only enough and we rented Kayaks. My lucky co-pilot was Alex.

As soon as we set off there were signs of trouble. Mainly the littlest kids were leaving us in the dust and the older kids were already out of sight and we were barely a kayaks length from the dock.

Alex said, "I can't believe they just pushed us off without giving us directions ( true first born)". I said, "we can do this!" I was wrong.
I was with the strongest one in our group, and we could barely go a kayak's length in a straight line (I am starting to understand the problems we encountered while white water rafting). There has been no physical challenge Alex could not count on his body to meet, except apparently kayaking.

After 2 hours of painfully slow forward, veer right, go in a circle, try again, veer right. repeat.  Paddle backwards for a while,  hook up with the little kids and ask them to tow us,  one goes one one side, one the other, two strokes on the left side, one on the right. we tried everything. Nothing that worked. His frustration level, and my patience were are cross roads & we decided to head back in. Watching his little brother & his friend glide by us effortlessly was demoralizing. We even studied their technique to try to replicate it- nothing. All the while I felt it my job to buoy my son's drive.
" We can do this Alex!, Every stroke is one closer to home! Come on , we can figure this out. Eye on the prize" I cheered on.
 For part of the trip Alex walked through ozzing mud/sand mixture pulling our kayak. whenever he could ,for as long as he could. Once the water was too deep, he declared he was no longer helping & it was up to me to get us home. He quit. He put his paddle on his lap and sat there, allowing me to try to navigate the beast the rest of the way to the dock. Believe me I contemplated pulling up to shore ( since the stupid boat kept heading that way anyway) and hitch hiking back to the rental store a few times. but get there we did.

Later that night, over the bonfire in the back yard, Alex felt comfortable enough to tell me he felt like hitting me with the paddle because I was so " damn positive, you were annoying. Just admit it mom," it sucked" he begged. And I did.  " Oh it sucked bud," I said. " but what good  does that do us? What are you going to do in college when you are overwhelmed by your work load or don't know how to figure it out?I don't want you to give up, I want you to know you can do it"

"I will have a rubric" He says. Point taken. Maybe had I admitted how much, how very much the experience sucked, and how many times I was thinking of pulling the &^%$ kayak out of the water & walking back, maybe I wouldn't have done the last leg on my own, maybe, had I joined him, he would have joined me.

In my desire to teach him a life lesson, I believe he taught me one.

Parenting is not for the faint at heart

 Client 1. Daughter (14) has met boy from different town (16) Mom & Dad come in to lay down ground rules.
Completely reasonable & a little more lenient than me- there are no members of the opposite sex allowed in my kids' bedrooms. I do not have time to stand watch at a door, so I refuse to set the situation up. ( Alex says I am way too strict- ah well) So said client's teenaged daughter grumbles at the rules, and mom looks at me flustered  "See I get attitude" " So what?" I say, yep that's what 5 years in a Masters program in family therapy prescribes for these situations, " So what?"

If I had to wait until my children LIKED what I told them to do, we'd be over run by garbage, the lawn would never be cut, & Michael would still be wearing the same clothes he wore the first day of school. You get the picture.

Family 2: Divorced parents came in together, their 8 year old was on-line video chatting at a friends house and the 14 year old boy they were talking to convinced them to do some untoward stuff. Dad said " This is exactly why I did not want to have a daughter." His fear was palpable.

http://www.parentingteensinfo.com/2011/08/12/dont-allow-yourself-to-become-isolated-2-minute-tip-for-parenting-teens-168/

There's a great website above. You are not alone, whatever you are going through. & they put us through alot.

Parenting through fear or love?

I spoke with Bev Jean for a brief moment yesterday. But you know how it is, when you speak with a loved one, a brief moment, can speak volumes. All the words tend to count. I had given her a book by Nora Ephron, something about neck wrinkles, I glanced through it prior to handing it over, ( That's not officially regifting is it?) So Bev Jean says to me " I finished the book you gave me, and I have earmarked something I want to share with you & talk about." I asked her to share at the moment as I was familiar with the book. She says" The part where she talks about parenting. & how you parents today, and you know I think you bend over backwards for those kids ( THOSE kids? you mean mine? The ones I chose to bring into this world?- thoughts not spoken words) well, she says you know how parents today say something like "I know you didn't mean to break mommy's lamp when you threw the ball" well it's just to much" I remarked on the obvious literary license Ephron used, but let her know I understood what she was getting at.
"Mom you mean because this generation talks to their kids more than yours did? Cause we'd get hit first and asked questions later? " And sometimes hit with a belt for just being in the general area of the mishap.
"Yeah, I'm not sure it's working" Sometimes I think she forgets what I do for a living.
"So Mom, because some parents have tried to not shame their children for child-like behavior, you think we are all parenting wrong? Is it possible the adults who were those kids who got hit first and questioned later didn't like that parenting method?"
" Well in my generation" I  have to admit I interrupted this one "You got hit and no questions later?"
" No" she said, "we didn't do it because we were told not to"  So somehow, magically, at 2, 3 & 4 years old children of two generations ago had a far superior sense of self control and logic? Or did they know they'd get hit if they did something wrong? And where did that lead them?

We have had the conversation many times over of raising kids through fear or through mutual respect. She'd criticize me frequently for not applying some " psychology to the seat of their pants", when the boys were small.
I agreed with her, that I see in my practice some parents, who, not wanting to repeat what was done to them,  shift the balance to allowing the child too much power, which is as damaging as not considering them enough, and again stated, " While I know the jury is out on my own parenting for another 20 years, I am comfortable with having three straight A students who seem basically kind, are interested in eating health & exercising "
What I didn't say was, at 16, 14, and 13, to my knowledge, my kids have not gotten involved with drugs, alcohol, have not had depression , anxiety or issues stealing, and I am fairly confident no one is sexually active, all of which is more than I can say for her children at those ages.

So, yes the jury is out, and I know as a future grandma I will need to bite my tongue a million times over regarding what I think is the best way to raise children ( PLEASE breastfeed & one of you stay home with them for the first two years!!!)- but it'll be none of my business.
I hope the old adage of " you do the best with what you know at the time, and when you know more, you do better" holds. Here's to learning more about child development, and bonding, human interaction.

And I had been doing so well on my diet today

Momma says " If you want to play with the air soft guns, you must wear your helmet!" Why does momma say this? Cause she wants to be difficult? Make you look uncool? Take all the fun out of everything? To make you sweat even more on these hot August days?
Nope, Momma says this because, selfishly, she feels pain when she hears you cry, or worries about you while she is trying to work, she doesn't want to take you to two Doctors and have to cancel clients, then make room in her overbooked schedule for daily Dr appointments until the blood dissipates from inside your eyeball.
Cause she is basically selfish I guess. Let's not talk about the co-pays and gas and oh yeah, You could have cause serious PERMANENT DAMAGE! My shoulders ache from the stress of the day & I am on a hunt for some chocolate. And I had done really well on the healthy eating today.

To be fair, he was coming inside to get the helmets, when his buddy took the shot at him ( thinking the gun was empty) Never in a million years could this child have planned on lodging a plastic pellet in my son's eye socket, but he did. They were like pirates who found the treasure chest when they excitedly told me that what I thought was swelling under his eye from early reports of getting hit there, was actually a pellet that had been  swallowed up by the eye lid. They were truly as proud as any boy would be at first, proving mom wrong "You were wrong mom, that swelling you thought I had actually was the pellet pushing my skin out, I pushed it up and it popped out. It's on the floor in the basement" ( great kid, one point for you)    Thinking the crisis had been handled, life went on, until the real pain set in. a whole 15 minutes later, 4 minutes before my next client arrived.

Long & short, scratched corneas, while painful, apparently heal overnight. And he will have to get reconditioned for football again, as he is most likely out for the rest of this week. I am pretty sure he will forever wear his helmet, and his brothers too, and any of his team mates on the football team. It takes someone taking a hit, before we parents hold a level of credibility in our kids eyes.

Alex goes for his driver's test on Thursday. Any hints on helping him believe that he too is mortal?

Shhhhh! Please do NOT repeat these!

I am only doing this because the kids swear they do not read my blog. But this stuff is PRICELESS!!

Kind of a litmus test for knowing you child still needs you to help navigate their way a bit.

1. We are in P-town on Friday evening. The local bank is "Seaman's Bank". now you & I know why it is called that, but with the sexually charged town, with testosterone filled boys, you know where they went with it. As I tried to convince my youngest that it's meaning was for fisherman, he came back to me with, " MOM, no, they did that on purpose"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
" Underneath the name, it says F' dick. They shouldn't do that, it's a bank."
I will admit I was perplexed for a moment and asked him to show me what he was talking about. He walked me to the sign, and sure enough,
under Seaman Bank it says FDIC.

2. A child tells me he wants ice cream. I hand him 5 singles. After making his selection he turns to me and hands me 4 back. I look quizzically at him, and the sign trying to find out what this bargain of the year was in P-town, where you can't get a single scoop without breaking a Lincoln. I ask, he points to a waffle cone in a display case that has a sticker on it that reads 75 cents. Oh if the world were only so sweet. I hand him back the 4 dollars. He gets it.

3. We are eating at some outdoor type food court. Not wanting to walk 6 boys to individual stalls to order their various meals, I become a flurry of handing out 10's & 20's. One takes a ten, but is slow to order anything. He as actually walking in circles, while everyone else was sitting down. I approached him and asked if he had found anything he like. He a said he did, but he was not going to buy it because it was a rip off. "What do you mean?" I asked. He says, "What I want costs $5 but they are going to charge me $10, so I am not buying it."  Again, I am saying "show me". We walk into the store and this lovely money conscious child points to the sign at the register that reads " Minimum charge $10".-

aside from giving me moments of extreme, albiet private, laughter,  these incidents were a reminder of the innocence, and the work yet in front of me.

Echos of the Breakfast Club

I have been in this field for close to 20 years. YIKES! In 1992 I graduated as a Marriage & Family Therapist. My experiences in the four years I was absorbed in the program at SCSU were life changing.One of the largest lessons, that I had already had the seed of, (planted by my friend Aimee in high school, who also became an MFT), but was confirmed was simply " We are more alike than different" Thank you John Hughes-

Each summer I attend a conference at the Cape to meet my continuing education requirements. And each year I come back with an appreciation for the depth and thoroghness of the education I recieved at SCSU. And I ususally write a note of thanks to  Drs. Barbara & Ed Lynch, thanking them again for the enormous impact they had on my life.

Once again this year, sitting in a room, of generally older therapist, psychologists and social workers, I was struck by what appeared to be the presentation and understanding of this simple concept. Underneath it all, we are not so different after all. This thought was echoed again and again, with a sense of surprise, by my classmates, as we watched videos and experienced live sessions. On a side note, Adele was amused by how excited I was to get to watch live therapy sesssions, hey I admit I am different. Probably akin to her seeing a huge deal close. Anyway, it struck me, if those of us blessed enough to be given the opportunity to see each other in all of our naked emotional vulnerability need to be reminded, underneath it all we are all made out of similar cloth, that probably everyone needs to be reminded.

Not color, not religion, not socio economic status, not age, not ethnicity, not prestige, nor poverty change the fact that we all want to be included, want to be loved,  we feel pain, sadness and fear. We all have been hurt, perhaps even traumatized, we have lost, we suffer. We also feel love, hope, tenderness and compassion. Look at the children, I have often held the belief that they are nearest to God, therefore nearest to our most perfect state. Before our socialization techniques, and Life, create the changes that often come to mar the most beautiful form of SELF. Look at them, they know compassion, and curiosity, creativity, calm and caring. It is inate, it is who we are meant to be. All of us.

I am very excited about this theraputic technique I was exposed to, ready to do another scrubbing of my own interior psyche and have more tools to use with my own clients. I will keep you posted!

Whales, Snails & Puppy Dogs tails



our snail from our bay catch



Lots of whale tail in P-town

 that's what our vacation was made of. We did our annual trek to the cape. Me & 6 boys. I naively brought a bag of magazines to read in my down time. Only things is, there is no down time with 6 boys.

Nolan & Penzi

I'm not complaining, just always surprised at how little I remember from year to year about the possibilities.

It was an awesome week, best educational week ever for me ( I take therapisty courses while I am there) & barring loosing 2 of the children for 5 hours while kayaking, and a few injuries, it was a all good. The food, the location and the humor the company. Jane came with her kids for the last two days. ( I have daughter envy)
And each time I am thankful for this chance to hang with my boys, get a little sunshine and learn a bit more about them. Hope you all are enjoying your summer too!

I realize I am a bit different but...

I was standing in line to get our clamming license when a woman walked in with her three year old ADORABLE son. Wistful as you know I am for those times, it bothered me a bit when she mentioned how she was " stuck" alone with him for 4 days until her parents came up. "Just me" she said,  "His dad didn't some with us".
I did not bother mentioning my current situation. 6 Teenagers & me, no dad for years, and one (unbeknown-st to me, tied up in the trunk of my van at that very moment ( Ah boys))
.
She said, " I am so tired of hearing MOMMY come play with me"  , " Don't worry," I said smiling, " that will end". And I didn't bother to say what she could not appreciate anyway. I chalked it up to being a bit overwhelmed, which of course I was/am, at times still. Another woman joined us in our little cue, as the first was attempting to orient her son to why a man seemingly cut in front of us in line, much to the tot's loud protests of being unfair and wrong. She looked at the grandmotherly woman who walked in and said, " I can't wait for tomorrow, he is in camp from 9-1." The Grandmother nodded and said, " I have an 8 month old and a 3 year old at my house now, it gets old". The smiled sympathetically at each other. I walked away with a heavy heart for those children. Do these women not realize what a blessing they have? Would that mom like her son to be calling another woman "Mommy"? One who would hear that as music, or that Grandmother rather her grandkids don't visit her?
I left the office, only to find three of my teens in my car, & like I said, one tied up in the trunk. But that's another story.

We went clamming that afternoon and it struck me, while most of us walk along the beach searching for shells, or just enjoying the scenery. Shell fishermen are looking for specific signs in the sand, one you or I might simple walk over, as a sign that there is a clam to be dug here. We watched the sand intently, felt it with our feet, looked for the tell tail spitting sea water signs, or tiny whole that indicate potential for bounty. It was a very different experience of the beach. I could not help but make a connection to the folks who took their offspring for granted or the many parents that I see who do not know what to look for in their kids as signs of connection and need. Of course as I tried to share my insights with my shellfish hunting group, I got little response, mostly odd looks. So I will save it for another day for them, and give it to you today.

I think we appreciate it more when we know what to look for. Look for love peeps.

How long do you know someone till you know someone?

I love my mom, I do, I adore her. For years one of my traditions was to take her to a Broadway show a few times a year. Something we both love doing. We have not gone for a few years, times have been tough. This year I decided I was going to wait no longer, and I arranged my schedule so I could take her yesterday. So we went.

She was very patient while I disregarded what I knew ( the way to NYC) and listened to my Gamin which had us running in circles for an hour. Then we got to the Tickets booth. There were so many options, Billy Elliot, Mary Poppins, Jersey Boys, so many. And they are saying Broadway has never had a better year. Mom mentions Priscilla Queen of the Desert. She saw Bette Midler on the View talking about it. I am a Midler fan, but I also saw the movie version years ago. " Do you know what it's about mom?", I ask. "I know Bette Midler is behind it.".  She says smiling."Yes, but do you know it's about transvestites mom?" (I had in the recent past suffered through the raunchiness of the Joan Rivers "movie" with her recently and decided there is nothing good about hearing the "C" word or explicit sexual content while sitting next to your mom.) " Yeah I know". she says again, smiling, " And Bette Midler is behind it."

So we go, and we watch, and some of it is funny, and there were many fine looking males up there on that stage with little on (but again not something I want to experience next to my MOM). It was actually better for me than a female dancing cast which just makes me resent my short stumpy legs. And I did really love the dresses the older tranny wore, found myself really studying them, so I can find something like them, very feminine and flowing.

And then there was the scene that I forbid my kids to see in the "Hangover 2"- What those Asian girls do with ping pong balls! Really? Again? 
And she leans in to me and says "Thanks for coming with me, this is not something I could ever have brought my girlfriends to." And at once, I am flooded with two thoughts. One being " Really? that would have been uncomfortable for you?" And also, gratitude that I kept my mouth shut an let my mom have her experience.  I paused for a few moments and thought about all those trips to business trips to Vegas she took when I was a child. Perhaps there's more to Bev Jean than meets the eye. I certainly hope there is more to me than meets the eye. Not this necessarily.

My summer vacation???

So the boys were gone, then they were back, now they are gone again. Which is good cause, as the saying goes, I need a vacation from my vacation. 3 theme parks, camping & a white water rafting trip, AND I still saw clients. I am wiped out.
What I learned: One of our traditions has been to go to the Great Adventure Safari, I have pictures of the boys as toddlers, in matching safari print overalls ( yeah I was THAT mom). A few years ago, amidst protests from the youngest we went again, and saw a lioness stalk and kill a bird ( who gets to see that???) and this year, we were there early as we were going to the amusement park for the first time ever, and  watching animals does not get old. Go first thing in the am, before the heat makes them all lay down for comfort, they are up, we saw Kangaroos hopping, Rhino's policing traffic, bears eating. It was awesome.

I learned I can get thru anything ( like this) by couting. This was a 47 second-er.

My  kids & I are not the most coordinated paddlers in the world. There is a decent chance we would not have survived had we taken this trip as an outdoor adventure without help. While in the beginning of the trip, we were one of the rescue boats, pulling people & oars from the water, but then, our lack of coordination left us right by the sweep up boat most of the time, and eventually even he past us leaving the kayak sweeper to pull us off of several rocks. Ending with our entire boat flipping 30 feet off shore at the end of the trip. I almost cried, I worked really hard to not cry. Ok I cried while I was taking a shower in the camp a little later.

Just cause you are loud does not mean you are the boss. I knew this, what I learned was my middle son does not know this. It's a process I guess.

Group bulding activities does not always result in group building. But mom completely loosing it because there is no place to send someone who is misbehaving when you are on a boat and talking reason is not working, does buy 24 hours of " better" behavior.

Kids laugh about things much sooner than I think they are funny.The next morning at breakfast I was awake with the middle son, his BF and my oldest's GF. Over breakfast the middle, who attempted to run our boat with insults and yelling, was recapping what we did wrong the day before. I was ready to smack him with my pancake spatula, and the other teens just looked at him and laughed and said " Give it a rest already!" They laughed. I was still fuming. I needed to " give it a rest already" too. So I did.

And now, I have a week of rest before our next adventure begins. AHHHHHH!

Life is what you make it- Life is good

"My life is my own making." My old friend states full of remorse. Not immediately picking up on his affect ( Yes, I DO take off the therapist hat sometimes) I responded, " Yeah aren't they all?" smiling. He was patient with me, he cares  for me. " Yes", he responded, "and one day we look and say well do I like what I've created or don't I?" He is not happy, but as I look back in my mind, he was never what I would call "happy". It's been 30 years since I have seen him, funny how things do not change.

I have been accused of being happy too easily, well teased is more like it. And here I lay, on my clean, awesome smelling sheets, 3 hours before my boys & their entourages are due home after being away for over a week, 2 sessions in front of me and I am, as I often am, happy. My life is far from perfect, and at the same time, I am very blessed.

As old friends do, we talked of hopes, dreams, desires and how it turned out VS how we hoped it would. He is absolutely correct in saying to me, in 2001 I would never have dreamed of sitting at Meckaur Park on July 1 2011, divorced, with my own business, navigating the dating world and chatting with him. His point was not the beauty of life though. He is filled with regret and anger.I told him , hearing him speak, I was feeling sad, and he admonished me not to feel sad for him. He's right. That's disrespectful. He has made this life. Lessons to learn abound.

Earlier this week I had a talk with my brother about a book idea. All the things we all say we want to do but cannot due to time, money, obligations; what if it were possible? What if time stood still and no ones needs were going to go unmet, what would you do? It was fun to think about. It was gratifying to realize I want the life I have, yes I have dreams. My heart has hope for a great love and moving to the beach. Neither could be accomplished in stopping time for a day or even a few days. But while I tend to the every day things that make me happy, I am hopeful that the rest will take care of itself.

Thank you!

91 more post reads and I will be at 5000. Not ever a real goal, just kind of cool, and have I mentioned?, my mom has NEVER read my blog. So she is not even stuffing the numbers with her friends!

I started this for a few reasons. most of which remain in tact today, which brings up a point. Every once in a while I like to evaluate " Why am I doing this?' " Is it still relevant?" " Do I still enjoy it?" ( Thus the pictures and scrapbook material spread across my dining room table, it has become a chore). I like to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I take my cue from Mother Nature.

Look how our bodies work, when working right. Take the good out of our food, get rid of what we don't need. And if we don't give ourselves enough, we suffer, and if we take more than we need, well, there's a system in place to let that be known as well. :-)
And how her great wind storms help clear the deadened branches from tress and make room for new.
It's a good system, and it works.
I like to do this with the family as well. Check the systems we have in place, are they working? what was their purpose? Do they need to be adjusted? One of the beautiful parts of this is including the boys' experiences in the conversation. Of course I am always in conflict with the youngest over my methods of discipline (see my post on Feedback), but on other ways, I want the boys' to know their opinions are important, all the while maintaining my truth of knowing more than they do about the world, and the "rammy" adolescent male brain.
I digress- Thank you, those who read, those who respond, those who tell me they read privately, those who find my posts worthy to pass on to others. I am honored and flattered- And this is still working.Thank you

Answering questions

I have had several inquiries as to why the Roches were absent from Newtown Middle School's 8th grade graduation at the O'Neill Center at WCSU. Most importantly, Nick had no interest in going. Had he, we would have been there with bells on and cameras flashing.

SOAPBOX WARNING: I am getting up on it, find something else to do if you don't want to hear it.

We have been, for years in this town crying about the budget. Threats of 28 student classroom sizes, loss of EA's, loss of sports programming. and yet year after year we spring to rent out WCSU for children who are legally required to do what they are doing, and for the most part will see each other in two short months.  It boggles my mind. We have stupidly, in my opinion, made our most vulnerable population, ( these same middle schoolers) get up as early as the high schoolers, ride the same buses, we release hordes of them into the streets and stores of Newtown at 2 in the afternoon (well that is only if you are walking, if your parent is there to pick you up, you are released in groups of 6 for your own safety) ( REALLY???) cause you have 7 hours before bedtime and mom & dad may not be home till 6 and they don't want you hanging out at home alone for three+ hours ( wisely). We have created problems for our commercial tax payers all in the name of saving money in the education budget, and yet we still do the FLUFF that is 8th grade graduation.

I don't know about you, but when times get tough financially around my house, fluff is the first thing that goes. Get rid of the extra car, no dinners out, no more Broadway shows, coupon cutting , unplug items when not in use, keep the thermostat down etc. But the 8th grade "graduation" ( again, it is a LEGAL requirement) must go on! I don't get it.

But if Michael wants to go to his next year, I will be there with bells on and camera flashing!

Cognitive Dissonance

 I was watching the news a few weeks ago and the newest finding of HPV causing throat cancer in males caught my attention.I new they had a vaccine for females, now they are offering it to males. Anything to protect. I called the DR to schedule an appointment to have all three boys vaccinated.

A few weeks later I found myself at the pediatrician's office with my young men in tow. There is something a bit strange about being in the same room where I naively tried to distract #1 from his first round of baby shots by breastfeeding him through them (( I am sure the nurses had a good laugh about that during their lunch break), he still screamed. Good thing he had no teeth!) and being there now, 16 years later getting shots to protect them from sexually transmitted diseases.

But that's not the half of it. Many of you have heard me say, my most favorite time of my life will be remembered only by me, as they were too young.

Well we had a brief trip down memory lane,

 waiting in this office, with boys who are now taller than me, when I discovered this book in the pile:

 PJ Funny Bunny was one of Alex's favorites. The look on his face was priceless! And the flood of memories of them sitting on my lap, reciting the "chorus" with me was joyful. It was as if it was yesterday. All three started recounting their favorite parts as PJ decides he is tired of being a bunny and tries to find other families to fit in with, ultimately deciding having a million brothers and sister and eating carrots is not so bad after all. They kept saying excitedly " I remember that page!" " I love that picture", and trying to guess which animals family PJ was going to try to join next. Clearly something about this book was bringing back the love & joy I remember so well from the hours we spent sitting on the carpet all huddled up reading about PJ Funny Bunny. ( YES!) So seldom am I included in their spontaneous expression of joy these days (Teen code)
It was a beautiful 10 minutes.
Then the nurse returned to inoculated my babies, I mean my teenagers, from a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE.
New appreciation for denial here.

Then again, thinking you are better off elsewhere to eventually decide, really, home is best, seems pretty appropriate for right now too. Thanks again PJ.

Truth

I miss my boys, I do, when they are with their dad. Like now, I will not see them until July1. & I'm a bit sad, so I thought I'd do a top ten to list to look on the bright side.

10. Got ALL the laundry done today
9.Cantina night!
8. My schedule and only my schedule
7. Jane's visit
6. no 6 a.m. wake up, unless I want to
5. My niece & brother are coming to visit
4. A week free of sibling rilvary ( #5 above potentially excluded)
3. House stays as clean as I want it to!
2. Seeing my friends I rarely get to see
 and the top reason to look on the bright side when the boys aren't home



                                         NO RAP MUSIC!!!!!

Feedback

Occasionally I get some feedback from the boys. Not the usual " You never PUNISH him when he annoys me" type. That I get daily. My youngest & I do not agree on "punishment" for his brother, he thinks electric shock, I say make him leave the dinner table is he's not behaving in a socially acceptable manner. I am talking more the broad range " How I ruined their lives" type of feedback.
My first exposure to this was when Alex was a freshman. After asking him for literally his entire 8th grade year to PLEASE let me take him to get a haircut, and being refused ( & I pick my battles, it's only hair); plus when I took him to the awards ceremony that year at school I saw almost all the boys had this mop things growing on their head, (not sure how many had mastered the gravity defying up bang curl that Alex was sporting though). So I said to myself, "OK, he needed to do this, it's a thing." But when in high school, he railed at me " How did you let me have my hair like that?"
 Really?      Really?
Was I going to throw him in the car ( he was taller than me at the time),,, drive to the barber in Bethel, drag him out of the car, strong arm him into the building and sit on his lap while someone sheered off his locks? Really? How did I?? I reminded him I had asked, offered and begged him to get his haircut. He said he didn't remember that. So I got smart. Michael has decided the mop top is in, he too has hair capable of defying gravity, must be from their dad's side of the family, blow drying , mousse and an entire bottle of hair spray cannot stop my hair from sticking to my scalp.
So I had Michael sign this: " I will not hold you accountable for how I looked in 7th grade, as you begged me to get my hair cut frequently." And he did, with a full eye roll. But now I have to find where I put the paper.
I'm just not going there again.
Last night Alex was reflecting on the past two years in high school. Being in a high school of close to 2000 kids, it is tough to get on the sports teams. Alex announced he can't wait to die and get reincarnated so he can stay in sports ( the child works out 6/7 days a week at a gym, and plays basketball in the winter). I am not even going to touch the onslaught of emotion I felt when my son says " I can't wait to die" He said he wished his father & I had "forced him to play sports".  "Forced him to play sport." ???
Now my recollection of the past 6 years goes something like, soccer, then baseball, basketball, then baseball, then basketball over the summer, then baseball again. His youngest brother did Lacrosse, football, basketball, baseball. Not sure what sports we were supposed to "FORCE" him to do. I do recall telling him to get back into soccer when he realized he was not the top 13 kids in his aged group for baseball. In Newtown if you are not the top 13, you are not in. His soccer coaches for years had asked up to have him come back, we did encourage him. He felt he had lost too much knowledge, guess he forgot that too. He had considered wrestling, then was turned off by the thought of rolling around in other people's sweat, I get that. I may need to have him sign something about it though.

Update: I have spent a week since I wrote this trying to find the legally binding document which prohibits Michael from complaining to me about his hair, and guess what he decided yesterday?

A number 2 all over- if you have a son you know what that means, it is not a BM.
The site is not allowing me to put up pictures, so I will put them on FB

Ladies Night

While ladies night is not a rare thing in my life, little talked about benefit of divorce is having two free from parenting weekends each month, having Adele join us out is a rare treat. When she called me up midday to find out what my evening plans were, to surprise me with the treat of her rare freedom ( she has NO free from parenting minutes) I screamed in the car. Michael, who was laying down in the back seat, looked at me like I was crazy. But ladies you know. You have lots of friends you love and enjoy, and you have a few who know exactly what you are thinking without you saying it. And who make you a better person just by being with you, and I crack her up, like tears streaming down her face crack her up, and that's pretty cool.

So she joined our posse and we headed to Splash down in Westport. The outside bar looked like the set & cast of Housewives of Fairfield County, with  ( any why haven't they added this?) a few dramatic gay couples thrown in for flavor. Entertaining. Inside was funky and cool, and after the waiter went to lengths to ask us how we wanted our food delivered, one of my  table mates chuckle. I asked her what was humorous, she said, "you will see". In spite of our well planned directions food was brought out willy nilly over the course of about 20 minutes, my crab cakes first , our shared dinner salad second to last. It was  a " we are SOOO cool that we can do this all ass backwards and you will still come back" NY kind of thing, It took Adele a good half hour to have her drink, which she ended up preparing for herself at our table made. Olives in one container, juice in another, ice in yet another and then there was the glass. LOL - or maybe they didn't want us to come back, not a bit of botox in our whole bunch. The 70 year old man making out with his pregnant 30 year old wife was really the icing on the cake for us.

So we went to check out some more of the local scene. I have to say the funniest part of the evening was watching some cougarettes fly into a flurry, animatedly pointing and whispering, when one of us "cougars" innocently enough started chatting it up with a male quasi attached to the group. Yes, we should have video'd it.  That was funny. Ahh the power of security VS insecurity...

Interestingly enough, the only member of our group hit upon by a male( not that we were looking for it) was the one member who has absolutely no use for the gender. As we were leaving this particular establishment he grabbed her at the door and started chatting her up, the rest of us walked into the street and I started to sing " One of these things is not like the others" Ala Sesame Street. I figured he'd figure it out sooner or later.
Maybe before I finished my song.

To be fair, one of our group was looking for a possibility. When discouraged at 1:30 she lamented" Where are all the good men?" I assured her that any man I would want to meet was probably at home, and sleeping at 1:30 in the morning, which is where I was hoping to be, soon. For me going out with the ladies, is really about enjoying their company and having a few laughs, - mission accomplished.

Crazy- like a fox

I took 9 boys to 6 Flags  New England this past weekend. The parents called me "crazy", they said I was " Soooo nice",or " Nuts".
One of my many little secrets, is, I am crazy, like a fox. What looks like a huge endeavor to the naked eye is a well planned cover for an experienced parenting agenda. I learned years ago, my kids require far less management when they each have a playmate, truly, the more the merrier. It costs in a few extra snacks & drinks, but that's what Costco is for after all. And the price for peace? Nothing really.
The boys & I got season passes at a discounted rate last year- paid for already 2 times over.
I had discount tickets agreement for my au pairs that I used for these kids, so I honestly even made out in gaining points with my credit card company, for money I did not even spend. - awesome.
It was the last Saturday I can plan something with them until July, with finals coming up.
It did cost me 140 miles worth of gas, so say $20?
Plus I was able to buy gas in Mass, which as we all know, is remarkably cheaper than CT gas, so I actually almost saved money, somehow in my money logic game.

The boys have a great time.
 I look like the hero for allowing them to bring their friends to a somewhat rare event, and I get to enjoy watching them with their friends, hearing them all sing in the car (one of my favorite things) eating lunch with them, having a few casual chats and mostly lounging by a pool.
Yep, lounging by a pool. And reading Victor Frankel's " Man's Search for Meaning" from cover to cover. It was on my summer's to do list. Am I crazy?? Really? LOL.  When is the last time you have time you had 4 hours to read a book while on a lounge chair on a sunny Saturday afternoon?

Had we stayed home, I can guarantee I would have done a lot more driving, a million times more refereeing and had no where near the amount of uninterrupted reading time. For years our weekends were brief stops at the house made in between baseball games. Next year Alex will be driving and I imagine MIA most weekends between work & friends.

So if your child is included in one of my crazy gaggle of boy plans, remember, I make out very well in these situations. Thank you for helping me.

the rope bridge

Lisa & Michael, Nick & Alex on the bridge

In 2002 the kids & I went to Hawaii. We met one of our old au pairs there for a wonderful week of exploring and fun. One of the most memorable parts of the week for me was when we discovered the Hanapepe swinging bridge. It was exhilarating walking across the bridge as it shifted from side to side, a slight sense of danger adding to the excitement. I remember clearly,  Nick, making his way a few yards in front of me, getting a kick out of the unsteady steps and crying out, "Please God don't let me die here! I'm a good person. I'm named after Santa Claus!" 

It's what we all want, "Please God don't let them die here." Adolescence is that swinging bridge. The steps are unsteady, and ever changing and the last thing we want them to do, is fall. But how do we support their travels from the safety of  the terra firma that we created for them, to the land of their own lives?

There are a lot of questions, ones I struggle with , ones my friends or clients struggle with. On somethings I am more than firm and clear. My priorities for my children and my support of my priorities for my children. Their first is school, going, doing what is required, doing the extra that is offered. This is all done to afford them the possibilities of choice when it comes to higher education and hopefully life. But that's not what I say, I say "it's your job, do it" .

The sticky ones are more about exposure to life. Alex asked me if I was going to make him abide by the laws about driving when he got his license. While I would LOVE for him to be able to drive his siblings around right away, if I say he is allowed to disobeyed, who am I to question when he disobeys my rules for him?

That being said, I speed sometimes. 25 mph is ridiculously hard to maintain. With that I accept the consequences for getting a potential ticket. I work for the money that will pay that ticket. I am an adult and am allowed to make that decision.

Alcohol is another issue. A former client contacted me. They had found several bottles of hard liquor in their son's bedroom and in the basement where he had recently hosted a post prom party. They were nearly empty.

In the course of our conversation, it was reveal that the parents had given the overt sign that beer (although illegal) was ok as long as they didn't see it, but hard alcohol was not. These parents were surprised their rules were not followed. I gave them a small education as to what they had to lose if, God forbid, someone who was at their houe left and was caught drunk driving or worse.These are intelligent, well intentioned, church going, professional, adults. Why they would open themselves up to this liability is hard to grasp.

I think, instead of remaining on terra firma, they joined their teenager on that swinging bring.Their desire to perhaps seem "cool" or stay "in touch" with their child made them lose perspective as to the job of a parent. As any one who has ever been on a swinging bridge knows, having more than one person on it makes navigating it more difficult.

I love my job. Earlier in the week I had to tell another set of parents that the only one who was allowed to act crazy while their daughter was a teenager was, the teenager. They seemed to understand what I was saying.

Stay on terra firma folks. The swinging bridge is for the kids.

Transition

Remember that time during labor when you are waiting for the cervix to dilate to 10 cm? The contractions are getting worse, stronger, longer and closer together.  The pain is fairly excruciating. The light at the end of the tunnel is hard to focus on because the now, well it sucks. Well if there is the equivalent in the launching process for adolescence, I think we have hit it.
Don't get me wrong. My kids are any parents dream. ( if I say so myself) They help around the house, ( not without grunting, but I expect grunting) the are excellent students, they are physically active and respectful, most of the time. Their music is horrendous, but I think that's a right of passage too. Michael asked me this morning why I listen to "my" music, kind of why am I stuck on " Don't worry be Happy". I told him most of us get caught into our generation's music, and he will too, unless he realizes Emminem is badly in need of yoga & therapy.

So to my son:
When you were born, driving home from the hospital, I had this overwhelming feeling of fear and inadequacy. They let me take a baby out of the hospital. I have to keep him alive or a lot of people will be really mad at me. Then I fell head over heels in love with you and I had to keep you alive, and protect you for you and for me.

So you did not have honey until you were past one.
You were breastfed until you were 15 months old.
I gladly gave up my career to be there for you, and facilitate your learning and playing and well being.
There were no gates in our house, as I walked beside you when you learned to navigate the stairs.
I watched you climb, knowing you could get hurt, and knowing your mastery was as important.
I did not let you watch the news after 9/11, why expose you to a world you could not control.
I did not tell you about Columbine, see above.
When you heard about Elizabeth Smart, you had trouble sleeping for weeks for fear someone would take you out of your bed. I wish you hadn't heard about her.
I gave you the keys to the car when we walked out of the DMV after you passed your permit test, you drove home. I knew we could get hurt, your mastery was as important.
You rarely hear "NO" because you have earned so many yeses. Your time is yours 90% of the time, you make so many of your own decisions, because you consistently make good ones. And you are a teenager, so that can change at any given point in time. I know your dad & I did not consistently make good decisions when we were teenagers.
And yes because you are in a divorced family, there is an unreal aspect to our lives. I do my own thing when you are gone, and I make sure I am available when you are here, and that's odd, to you. & I will admit it is, your friends parents fit their social life into their schedule and sometimes it overlaps with the kids lives, I don't need to do that.
And yes, if I think women popping ping pong balls out of their vagina's is a vulgar image you don't need to be exposed to, we are walking out of the movie when that scene comes on. And if that is enough to make you mad at me for an entire night, maybe just maybe I am doing my job right. And maybe, just maybe transition is hard for both parent and child.
I wonder what it is like for that baby, getting pushed & squeezed, over & over making it's way down the birth canal. I am sure there is terrific relief when it is over, but I bet the process is not fun for them either.
And it is always harder for the first one, for both of us.

So even while I am proud of your work and who you are and how you conduct yourself, it is still my job to ease you out into the world, and protect you from unnecessary things. I have surrendered so much already