Thank you!

91 more post reads and I will be at 5000. Not ever a real goal, just kind of cool, and have I mentioned?, my mom has NEVER read my blog. So she is not even stuffing the numbers with her friends!

I started this for a few reasons. most of which remain in tact today, which brings up a point. Every once in a while I like to evaluate " Why am I doing this?' " Is it still relevant?" " Do I still enjoy it?" ( Thus the pictures and scrapbook material spread across my dining room table, it has become a chore). I like to keep what works and get rid of what doesn't. I take my cue from Mother Nature.

Look how our bodies work, when working right. Take the good out of our food, get rid of what we don't need. And if we don't give ourselves enough, we suffer, and if we take more than we need, well, there's a system in place to let that be known as well. :-)
And how her great wind storms help clear the deadened branches from tress and make room for new.
It's a good system, and it works.
I like to do this with the family as well. Check the systems we have in place, are they working? what was their purpose? Do they need to be adjusted? One of the beautiful parts of this is including the boys' experiences in the conversation. Of course I am always in conflict with the youngest over my methods of discipline (see my post on Feedback), but on other ways, I want the boys' to know their opinions are important, all the while maintaining my truth of knowing more than they do about the world, and the "rammy" adolescent male brain.
I digress- Thank you, those who read, those who respond, those who tell me they read privately, those who find my posts worthy to pass on to others. I am honored and flattered- And this is still working.Thank you

Answering questions

I have had several inquiries as to why the Roches were absent from Newtown Middle School's 8th grade graduation at the O'Neill Center at WCSU. Most importantly, Nick had no interest in going. Had he, we would have been there with bells on and cameras flashing.

SOAPBOX WARNING: I am getting up on it, find something else to do if you don't want to hear it.

We have been, for years in this town crying about the budget. Threats of 28 student classroom sizes, loss of EA's, loss of sports programming. and yet year after year we spring to rent out WCSU for children who are legally required to do what they are doing, and for the most part will see each other in two short months.  It boggles my mind. We have stupidly, in my opinion, made our most vulnerable population, ( these same middle schoolers) get up as early as the high schoolers, ride the same buses, we release hordes of them into the streets and stores of Newtown at 2 in the afternoon (well that is only if you are walking, if your parent is there to pick you up, you are released in groups of 6 for your own safety) ( REALLY???) cause you have 7 hours before bedtime and mom & dad may not be home till 6 and they don't want you hanging out at home alone for three+ hours ( wisely). We have created problems for our commercial tax payers all in the name of saving money in the education budget, and yet we still do the FLUFF that is 8th grade graduation.

I don't know about you, but when times get tough financially around my house, fluff is the first thing that goes. Get rid of the extra car, no dinners out, no more Broadway shows, coupon cutting , unplug items when not in use, keep the thermostat down etc. But the 8th grade "graduation" ( again, it is a LEGAL requirement) must go on! I don't get it.

But if Michael wants to go to his next year, I will be there with bells on and camera flashing!

Cognitive Dissonance

 I was watching the news a few weeks ago and the newest finding of HPV causing throat cancer in males caught my attention.I new they had a vaccine for females, now they are offering it to males. Anything to protect. I called the DR to schedule an appointment to have all three boys vaccinated.

A few weeks later I found myself at the pediatrician's office with my young men in tow. There is something a bit strange about being in the same room where I naively tried to distract #1 from his first round of baby shots by breastfeeding him through them (( I am sure the nurses had a good laugh about that during their lunch break), he still screamed. Good thing he had no teeth!) and being there now, 16 years later getting shots to protect them from sexually transmitted diseases.

But that's not the half of it. Many of you have heard me say, my most favorite time of my life will be remembered only by me, as they were too young.

Well we had a brief trip down memory lane,

 waiting in this office, with boys who are now taller than me, when I discovered this book in the pile:

 PJ Funny Bunny was one of Alex's favorites. The look on his face was priceless! And the flood of memories of them sitting on my lap, reciting the "chorus" with me was joyful. It was as if it was yesterday. All three started recounting their favorite parts as PJ decides he is tired of being a bunny and tries to find other families to fit in with, ultimately deciding having a million brothers and sister and eating carrots is not so bad after all. They kept saying excitedly " I remember that page!" " I love that picture", and trying to guess which animals family PJ was going to try to join next. Clearly something about this book was bringing back the love & joy I remember so well from the hours we spent sitting on the carpet all huddled up reading about PJ Funny Bunny. ( YES!) So seldom am I included in their spontaneous expression of joy these days (Teen code)
It was a beautiful 10 minutes.
Then the nurse returned to inoculated my babies, I mean my teenagers, from a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE.
New appreciation for denial here.

Then again, thinking you are better off elsewhere to eventually decide, really, home is best, seems pretty appropriate for right now too. Thanks again PJ.

Truth

I miss my boys, I do, when they are with their dad. Like now, I will not see them until July1. & I'm a bit sad, so I thought I'd do a top ten to list to look on the bright side.

10. Got ALL the laundry done today
9.Cantina night!
8. My schedule and only my schedule
7. Jane's visit
6. no 6 a.m. wake up, unless I want to
5. My niece & brother are coming to visit
4. A week free of sibling rilvary ( #5 above potentially excluded)
3. House stays as clean as I want it to!
2. Seeing my friends I rarely get to see
 and the top reason to look on the bright side when the boys aren't home



                                         NO RAP MUSIC!!!!!

Feedback

Occasionally I get some feedback from the boys. Not the usual " You never PUNISH him when he annoys me" type. That I get daily. My youngest & I do not agree on "punishment" for his brother, he thinks electric shock, I say make him leave the dinner table is he's not behaving in a socially acceptable manner. I am talking more the broad range " How I ruined their lives" type of feedback.
My first exposure to this was when Alex was a freshman. After asking him for literally his entire 8th grade year to PLEASE let me take him to get a haircut, and being refused ( & I pick my battles, it's only hair); plus when I took him to the awards ceremony that year at school I saw almost all the boys had this mop things growing on their head, (not sure how many had mastered the gravity defying up bang curl that Alex was sporting though). So I said to myself, "OK, he needed to do this, it's a thing." But when in high school, he railed at me " How did you let me have my hair like that?"
 Really?      Really?
Was I going to throw him in the car ( he was taller than me at the time),,, drive to the barber in Bethel, drag him out of the car, strong arm him into the building and sit on his lap while someone sheered off his locks? Really? How did I?? I reminded him I had asked, offered and begged him to get his haircut. He said he didn't remember that. So I got smart. Michael has decided the mop top is in, he too has hair capable of defying gravity, must be from their dad's side of the family, blow drying , mousse and an entire bottle of hair spray cannot stop my hair from sticking to my scalp.
So I had Michael sign this: " I will not hold you accountable for how I looked in 7th grade, as you begged me to get my hair cut frequently." And he did, with a full eye roll. But now I have to find where I put the paper.
I'm just not going there again.
Last night Alex was reflecting on the past two years in high school. Being in a high school of close to 2000 kids, it is tough to get on the sports teams. Alex announced he can't wait to die and get reincarnated so he can stay in sports ( the child works out 6/7 days a week at a gym, and plays basketball in the winter). I am not even going to touch the onslaught of emotion I felt when my son says " I can't wait to die" He said he wished his father & I had "forced him to play sports".  "Forced him to play sport." ???
Now my recollection of the past 6 years goes something like, soccer, then baseball, basketball, then baseball, then basketball over the summer, then baseball again. His youngest brother did Lacrosse, football, basketball, baseball. Not sure what sports we were supposed to "FORCE" him to do. I do recall telling him to get back into soccer when he realized he was not the top 13 kids in his aged group for baseball. In Newtown if you are not the top 13, you are not in. His soccer coaches for years had asked up to have him come back, we did encourage him. He felt he had lost too much knowledge, guess he forgot that too. He had considered wrestling, then was turned off by the thought of rolling around in other people's sweat, I get that. I may need to have him sign something about it though.

Update: I have spent a week since I wrote this trying to find the legally binding document which prohibits Michael from complaining to me about his hair, and guess what he decided yesterday?

A number 2 all over- if you have a son you know what that means, it is not a BM.
The site is not allowing me to put up pictures, so I will put them on FB

Ladies Night

While ladies night is not a rare thing in my life, little talked about benefit of divorce is having two free from parenting weekends each month, having Adele join us out is a rare treat. When she called me up midday to find out what my evening plans were, to surprise me with the treat of her rare freedom ( she has NO free from parenting minutes) I screamed in the car. Michael, who was laying down in the back seat, looked at me like I was crazy. But ladies you know. You have lots of friends you love and enjoy, and you have a few who know exactly what you are thinking without you saying it. And who make you a better person just by being with you, and I crack her up, like tears streaming down her face crack her up, and that's pretty cool.

So she joined our posse and we headed to Splash down in Westport. The outside bar looked like the set & cast of Housewives of Fairfield County, with  ( any why haven't they added this?) a few dramatic gay couples thrown in for flavor. Entertaining. Inside was funky and cool, and after the waiter went to lengths to ask us how we wanted our food delivered, one of my  table mates chuckle. I asked her what was humorous, she said, "you will see". In spite of our well planned directions food was brought out willy nilly over the course of about 20 minutes, my crab cakes first , our shared dinner salad second to last. It was  a " we are SOOO cool that we can do this all ass backwards and you will still come back" NY kind of thing, It took Adele a good half hour to have her drink, which she ended up preparing for herself at our table made. Olives in one container, juice in another, ice in yet another and then there was the glass. LOL - or maybe they didn't want us to come back, not a bit of botox in our whole bunch. The 70 year old man making out with his pregnant 30 year old wife was really the icing on the cake for us.

So we went to check out some more of the local scene. I have to say the funniest part of the evening was watching some cougarettes fly into a flurry, animatedly pointing and whispering, when one of us "cougars" innocently enough started chatting it up with a male quasi attached to the group. Yes, we should have video'd it.  That was funny. Ahh the power of security VS insecurity...

Interestingly enough, the only member of our group hit upon by a male( not that we were looking for it) was the one member who has absolutely no use for the gender. As we were leaving this particular establishment he grabbed her at the door and started chatting her up, the rest of us walked into the street and I started to sing " One of these things is not like the others" Ala Sesame Street. I figured he'd figure it out sooner or later.
Maybe before I finished my song.

To be fair, one of our group was looking for a possibility. When discouraged at 1:30 she lamented" Where are all the good men?" I assured her that any man I would want to meet was probably at home, and sleeping at 1:30 in the morning, which is where I was hoping to be, soon. For me going out with the ladies, is really about enjoying their company and having a few laughs, - mission accomplished.

Crazy- like a fox

I took 9 boys to 6 Flags  New England this past weekend. The parents called me "crazy", they said I was " Soooo nice",or " Nuts".
One of my many little secrets, is, I am crazy, like a fox. What looks like a huge endeavor to the naked eye is a well planned cover for an experienced parenting agenda. I learned years ago, my kids require far less management when they each have a playmate, truly, the more the merrier. It costs in a few extra snacks & drinks, but that's what Costco is for after all. And the price for peace? Nothing really.
The boys & I got season passes at a discounted rate last year- paid for already 2 times over.
I had discount tickets agreement for my au pairs that I used for these kids, so I honestly even made out in gaining points with my credit card company, for money I did not even spend. - awesome.
It was the last Saturday I can plan something with them until July, with finals coming up.
It did cost me 140 miles worth of gas, so say $20?
Plus I was able to buy gas in Mass, which as we all know, is remarkably cheaper than CT gas, so I actually almost saved money, somehow in my money logic game.

The boys have a great time.
 I look like the hero for allowing them to bring their friends to a somewhat rare event, and I get to enjoy watching them with their friends, hearing them all sing in the car (one of my favorite things) eating lunch with them, having a few casual chats and mostly lounging by a pool.
Yep, lounging by a pool. And reading Victor Frankel's " Man's Search for Meaning" from cover to cover. It was on my summer's to do list. Am I crazy?? Really? LOL.  When is the last time you have time you had 4 hours to read a book while on a lounge chair on a sunny Saturday afternoon?

Had we stayed home, I can guarantee I would have done a lot more driving, a million times more refereeing and had no where near the amount of uninterrupted reading time. For years our weekends were brief stops at the house made in between baseball games. Next year Alex will be driving and I imagine MIA most weekends between work & friends.

So if your child is included in one of my crazy gaggle of boy plans, remember, I make out very well in these situations. Thank you for helping me.

the rope bridge

Lisa & Michael, Nick & Alex on the bridge

In 2002 the kids & I went to Hawaii. We met one of our old au pairs there for a wonderful week of exploring and fun. One of the most memorable parts of the week for me was when we discovered the Hanapepe swinging bridge. It was exhilarating walking across the bridge as it shifted from side to side, a slight sense of danger adding to the excitement. I remember clearly,  Nick, making his way a few yards in front of me, getting a kick out of the unsteady steps and crying out, "Please God don't let me die here! I'm a good person. I'm named after Santa Claus!" 

It's what we all want, "Please God don't let them die here." Adolescence is that swinging bridge. The steps are unsteady, and ever changing and the last thing we want them to do, is fall. But how do we support their travels from the safety of  the terra firma that we created for them, to the land of their own lives?

There are a lot of questions, ones I struggle with , ones my friends or clients struggle with. On somethings I am more than firm and clear. My priorities for my children and my support of my priorities for my children. Their first is school, going, doing what is required, doing the extra that is offered. This is all done to afford them the possibilities of choice when it comes to higher education and hopefully life. But that's not what I say, I say "it's your job, do it" .

The sticky ones are more about exposure to life. Alex asked me if I was going to make him abide by the laws about driving when he got his license. While I would LOVE for him to be able to drive his siblings around right away, if I say he is allowed to disobeyed, who am I to question when he disobeys my rules for him?

That being said, I speed sometimes. 25 mph is ridiculously hard to maintain. With that I accept the consequences for getting a potential ticket. I work for the money that will pay that ticket. I am an adult and am allowed to make that decision.

Alcohol is another issue. A former client contacted me. They had found several bottles of hard liquor in their son's bedroom and in the basement where he had recently hosted a post prom party. They were nearly empty.

In the course of our conversation, it was reveal that the parents had given the overt sign that beer (although illegal) was ok as long as they didn't see it, but hard alcohol was not. These parents were surprised their rules were not followed. I gave them a small education as to what they had to lose if, God forbid, someone who was at their houe left and was caught drunk driving or worse.These are intelligent, well intentioned, church going, professional, adults. Why they would open themselves up to this liability is hard to grasp.

I think, instead of remaining on terra firma, they joined their teenager on that swinging bring.Their desire to perhaps seem "cool" or stay "in touch" with their child made them lose perspective as to the job of a parent. As any one who has ever been on a swinging bridge knows, having more than one person on it makes navigating it more difficult.

I love my job. Earlier in the week I had to tell another set of parents that the only one who was allowed to act crazy while their daughter was a teenager was, the teenager. They seemed to understand what I was saying.

Stay on terra firma folks. The swinging bridge is for the kids.