Appreciating what you have

There's a popular saying, "Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have." and as you know, I am generally a happy lady. That is not to say I don't, at times, feel sad, lonely, unappreciated, and empty. I am, as a lot of us are, in this limbo place where I want to be available to my kids. I don't feel comfortable committing myself to something that would compete with that, a romantic relationship, a Phd, etc. That being said, my patchwork quilt of a life at times feels rich & full and at others, lonely and empty.

A big part of that richness is Adele. I know I wrote about her last week, & while I was writing that tribute, unbenownst to me, she was working her magic with my kids behind my back! Adele has frequently stepped in and supported the kids to show their appreciation and appropriate behavior when they were not given that guidance elsewhere. One Mother's Day, when they were young and particularly incapable of doing things on their own, she helped them create a Mother's Day redo, complele with breakfast in bed & a painted plate. She checked in with them at Christmas time, Mother's Day & my birthday to make sure they have bases covered. As Alex ia almost 17, I had not thought she was still doing that.

Well while I was busy avoiding her these last two weeks to have her suprise party go off without her catching me in a lie, she was busy contacting my boys getting them organized to give me a beautiful framed appreciation tribute for my birthday. It was a flowing poem of our memories and acknowledgement of what I represent for them. " your ridiculous dancing in the car". Most importantly she supported them to be better men.
I wish you all an "Adele", in your life. But not mine, she's taken.

Angels among us

There are people that inspired each of us to be who we are. One of them was my Girl Scout Leader when I was in elementary school. She was the mom of my classmate & friend Judy. Simply put~ she saw me. It sounds strange doesn't it? but in reality, where I came from, that was rare.
My Grandmother saw me, and on Tuesday she will be celebrating her 2nd anniversary of her freedom in Heaven. One of the many lessons I learn from my Grandmother is you are never too old to be valuable to someone. She was well in her 50's when we met, an entire lifetime lived before my existence, and yet she was one of the most profound influence in my life.
Her sister, my Aunt Rita, was another. Her attention , love, kindness, and companionship when I was a stay at home mom with three little boys got me through many difficult times. My children's lives, the good parts of me, would not be here with out these people.



Mrs Johnstone was different. With no family relation binding us, her gift to me was free and unexpected. As a sad and lonely little girl living in a frightening household, the Wednesdays I got to take the bus to Judy's, have dinner with them and stay till our Girl Scout meeting was over, was a peace and warmth I did not often experience. She made me feel worthwhile. She had time for me. Even when I exasperated her by being done quickly with any of our projects, the sit-up-on, the plates we made to commemorate the troupe, she would affectionately tease me and taught me how to twiddle my thumbs while I waited for the rest of the girls to finish.  It became a joke between us. I would hurry up and finish something and ask her what to do next, and she would tell me to twiddle my thumbs. I can still hear her voice singing " Day is done" and I remember the hand squeeze that ended every meeting. I don't know if she knew, the respite I received while in her care. Judy seemed to know I needed her mom. She called me a few days ago to let me know another one of my angels was going to return to heaven soon.  Suffering should end, and freedom granted. I know this is true, and after watching my own end of life for my Grandparents, I do look at death differently. And I am horribly sad for Judy and her family. Especially Judy's little girl, who will not get to know the woman who had so much enthusiasm and adventure in her heart ( any woman will to take a bunch of girls into the woods to cook over an open fire and sleep in A framed tents ROCKS).

The take away~ be someone's angel.  Best case scenario, be your own kids' angel. Being someone else's kid's angel is pretty awesome to. That's what these people taught me, and part of the reason I do what I do,

Thank you Mrs Johnstone and "good night scouts".

Ode to Adele

So last night I pulled off, with much help, an amazing feat. I surprised one of the sharpest women I know with an early Birthday Party. And I had two shots, so two big things in one night. If you have ever planned a surprise birthday party you know how anxiety provoking pulling it off can be. In the last hour I didn't know if she was clueless or torturing me with her 5 phone calls and a text, thus the first shot. The second one was to prove to her I did the first as she has never seen me have a shot before. And now I am not saying alcohol is the answer, but my xanax was at home. ( Hmm is she serious???)

Anyway it was a wonderful success, completely blindsided her. Having her bake the birthday cake helped, and the fact that her birthday is actually 5 months away. One of the activities of the evening was a sharing circle where people shared memories or said wonderful things, all with the intent of making the birthday girl well up with emotion & cry some more (we used to get extra points in therapy school if we got, I mean made room for,  our clients to cry during a session, without inflicting physical harm, that was frowned upon) As we were going around the room sharing, it came to my turn. I started telling the story about how Adele & I met & how it was instant admiration, and respect. She interrupted my story, as she always does to highlight the points she found important ( the fact that I just bought her dream house in town,) and I would have to wrestled away control to tell my side ( she verbally shred a woman who inadvertently put down a man I had the hots for) & the fact that Adele didn't know I had the hots for this guy and still shared my unexpressed opinion, I knew she was a keeper. My story got interrupted again by someone else taking the invisible talking stick and I was left with much to say and no subtle way to get the floor. I find I frequently get interrupted and lose speaking room in a group. Thus the blog I guess.

What I was going to say was Adele is the most amazing woman I have ever had the privilege to know. If I was stranded on a desert island, or going to Costa Rica, there is no one in the world I would rather be with. She is loyal to a fault (you know who you are) , brilliant, determined, compassionate, I make her laugh till she cries ( gotta love someone who thinks you are that funny,) honest, positive and a true presence. She has overcome unthinkable odds and created a strong and safe foundation for her children. She is a woman who is truly beautiful both inside and out. I would never have guessed, going to the mutual friend's shower so many years ago that I would have met a person who would change my life forever. But I did. And I am better for knowing her, as is anyone else whose life she touches. To you Adele & the next 50!
* That is not a reflection of her current age but more an estimation of how many more years I will be alive to enjoy her presence in my life~ felt like I needed to clarify that.

The gifts

 I imagine Christmas has always been daunting for my mom. What with 6 kids, 5 of them BOYS~ ( girls are so much easier to buy for ) plus she would always make sure she had gifts for the cousins, and someone from works daughter's niece's new baby. That's mom.
For several years (26 to be exact) our Christmas present had to match a certain letter of the alphabet. What you wanted was not exactly relevant, only if it matched her preordained sense of order. It was fun sometimes.,My brother Sean & I overtly competed for the coolest stocking stuffer following her rules. And the Z year was the first time I ever bought a " Zero" candy bar. God forbid you needed underwear any time other than the 21st year, it would not be coming your way. I am pretty sure the tree trunk was fairly bare during the x year.
Once mom finished her plan, she was left to her own devices. During that time my vegetarian sister-in law received cow PJ's complete with an udder and hoofed socks. I never clearly followed her thought process.
In 2010, following the death of her mother, mom got busy wrapping tons, literally tons, of little things for the bunch of us. The grandkids were given personalized Navy sized duffle bags filled with ~ well stuff. The guys were given 5 gallons buckets also filled with stuff( apparently fairly useful) and the women, a gift bag filled with , well~ things. Lets just say I trotted that bag out at more than one party looking for someone to try to help me make sense of the collection of zip lock bagged Chinese restaurant mints, fridge magnets, ceramic scary smiley faced flowers, neon colored light up floaty flowers a scrubby sponge, Pam, chachka etc etc etc.
My 6 year old Goddaughter found several things she was delighted with.
This year I came home one day to a box of mini cheese from Swiss Colony. The creation above was done by my niece Mikayla. She made an igloo with some other squeeze cheese that was in the box. I also received a black crew neck sweatshirt that reads Moms Of Marvelous Sons. that I threatened to wear to my kids sporting events if they don't behave.
And I know, all of her gifts come from the heart,and from a catalog that should be banned.
And I also know, my true gift from my mother, is the gift I have for my own children, loving them with all my heart, always. She loves me when I am funny, and needy and bitchy and down. She loves me when I don't feel loveable,and when I am on top of the world.  She listens whenever I call and even though she NEVER reads this blog, is my biggest fan.
So bring on the dollar store presents and the tacky sweatshirts. I will lovingly wear them to bed at night and think of your love surrounding me, keeping me warm.

The Bet

So I didn't win the bet. I stopped dating at number 15. To be fair, the last 6 weeks of the year were really busy, things I would rather be doing than meeting strangers. Also though, I was so dissappointed when my amazing 2 1/2 hour preliminary conversation turned into a dud of a date 3 days later, I am sure that lead to me dragging my feet at the end of the year. Tina said my punishment was to buy her a skinny grande latte at Starbucks & say nice things about her. I told her it sounded like she wanted a first date with me.

But, it's a New Year, so I hopped on to eharmony for the free weeekend to see what I could see. Well as luck would have it, you are not allow to see anything on a free weekend. I have 187 matches. Most of which have not been active for 3 years and no pictures. So basically it was overwhelming with a few signs of hope.

As my business grows ( REALLY GOOD THING!) I spend more time alone at work with people I cannot date( not such a great thing) So the internet seems like a reasonable choice. A friend did pursue a dating service, only to not get called by them to confirm the appointment, so she bagged them. If they can't confirm an appointment how are they going to get her a date?

So I signed up. Just a 3 month membership with an astronomical upgrade in price when I forget to cancel. So I wrote CANCEL on my calendar the week beforeit is needed. Now if I only remember what I am cancelling. Someone write me and remind me, will you?
With the purchase I get pictures. And I am not so sure that that was a good thing. I have some questions about it actually. What's with the motorcycles? With & without riders on them? And the fish? What's with the fish? Is it a hobby thing? Do they really want to see pictures of me scrapbooking? Or of a finished page of my scrapbook? Or maybe the back of my head with a view of the TV in front of it with one of my favorite old Hepburn & Tracy movies on?
For some of the guys, to answer the question " What are you most passionate about?" the answer is often a sports team. I asked my brother about this, he said it was more about them testing if I would tolerate them liking a sports team. With I have 5 brothers and three sons,  I get it.  A Sunday to go do whatever I want? Works for me. Heck, I can even sometimes curl up and watch some with them, as long as I can have my Oprah magazine nearby.
Wait, should I take a picture with that?

Christmas Bonus

This is the first year I ever received a Christmas bonus. It was very exciting. All of my families from Cultural Care Au Pair were given a survey and then a formula was attached to it, and I received some money based on how I scored. It was fun, & I bought myself a little something something with that. I'm feeling like a grown up.

That's not the Christmas bonus I am talking about though. Also not included were the wonderful presents from my boys ( special shout out to Nick & Mike for thoughtfulness this year) or my family or friends, although the sandal shaped can opener is already packed for the Cape & I cannot wait for the trip to see "Wicked" with Adele. My bonus, my real bonus, came from my clients.

The card from the client who I sat with for months while she grieved the loss of the child she had to give birth to after she had been told it had died. The card from the middle aged man who picked me< he admitted my proximity between work and home was a large part of his choosing process( I'll take it)> to share the story of the sexual and  physical abuse he had undergone as a boy, speaking of it for the frst time in his life. And the clients who, in sharing their stories,  unwittingly spoke to the turmoill in my own life, in ways that eased my own concerns about living with teen aged boys. The compliment of being given referrals, and lastly a client I hadn't seen in two years calling me and asking me to Skype therapy, as she wanted continue with me as a new crisis had come up in her life.
As my mother would say, money comes & goes. These things, these compliments, these people's faith in me, will last forever. I'm pretty sure I will ruin my coach bag before the warm feelings dissipate. Don't get me wrong, I am not a toot my own horn type of person. I am an example of that adage about the "problem with women is that they don;t realize how important they are". I am generally horrible at self marketing. But this year 2012. I decided it's time to own a bit more of who I am , and with the cards, and thank you's from clients who worked so hard to make their own lives better behind me, I can say with mostly utmost confidence: Sometimes, I really know what I am doing. And with this Christmas bonus, without a doubt, I must have done something good.