Report card time

How often do those quarterly pieces of paper validate, frustrate, reward, condemn, inform and celebrate our children? Somehow as parents, we take those letters and the mathematical signs accompanying them as a reflection of our success as parents. Who doesn't want to see that their child is a "pleasure to have in class", I will admit, I am awed by my own children's grades. And proud, although I take little credit. I am amazed by them. They have out done my expectations and bewilder me( in a good way). But make no mistake about it, They are not a measure of my success as a mom. They are a measure of my kids' ability to learn and follow rules. That is such a small part of my job, and mostly done by others, cause Lord knows I could not teach them to spell to save my life!
John Hamilton, LMFT ( my people) gave us a report card to use with our children. A real look into what our job is as a parent and hopefully some honest assessment from the most important work of our lives.
Here it is:
How am I doing as your parent?
What am I doing well?
What could I do better?
Who believes in you?
What are the messages I give you that tell you I believe in you?
Is there anything I do now that influences you?
Do you feel you can tell me anything?
What do I do that gets in the way of you talking with me?

Do you feel I am honest with you? ( Careful about the literalness of a 12 year old and a chocolate delivering bunny)

Do you feel you know me?

Is there anything you would like to know about me, like what I was like as a teenager?

There was a good deal of discussion about levels of honesty. My rule is, relevant disclosure only. Your child is mostly asking because they have been exposed to something bigger than they have had to deal with before or they are curious about their life. BALANCE : be human, but not full exposure where your child will not know how to process what you tell them.

A few years ago #2 asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I knew he didn't need an age, he needed to shock me ( succeeded), and he needed to hear what I did say which was "We can talk about anything you want to about sex, the emotions, responsibilities, potential hazards, morals, my hopes for you, the nuts and bolts of it, so to speak, but under no circumstance is my sex life ever any of your business." And we have talked about it all, do so almost every other week, there's alot of ground to cover, and I'd much rather he cover it with me than out there.
 This report card, the one for your child to give you, is a great resource. I hope you all make the honor roll!

Parenting- not for wimps

I went to a parent seminar today, and ran into a high school friend. She admonished me immediately,  "Parenting sucks  why didn't you warn me!". I tried to be supportive, " yes it's hard" I said.
"No", she replied," It sucks., You told me giving birth was hard you didn't tell me parenting sucks!"

I had apparently called her ( my memory is what sucks) a week before she gave birth to her first and told her everything no one told me about giving birth.  But I know I have often said, "There is more opportunity for joy per minute from 0-6 yrs old than anytime thereafter", I reminded her of this, she said I never told her. I told her I was probably busy savoring the joy with my kids. LOL  But yep, now that hers' are a teen and pre-teen and mine are all teens, ( in 9 days) parenting is hard. Really HARD.

Luckily my scolding was cut short by the speaker. John Hamilton LMFT ( Like me yeah!) spoke about a whole host of parenting concepts, not the least of which is it is not about US. US as in the adults. Parenting is about our kids. He even gave us questions, a report card of sorts to ask our kids. ( more about that later) He  did say, "Suck it up, grown up, act like an adult and do what you are supposed to do. Be there for your kid, have their backs," and teach them how to be functional adults.  He did not say this should be fun for you ( that was those first 6 years,I swear) . As a matter of fact what he described sounded exhausting. Pay attention to our non-verbal as well as verbal messages, keep your emotions in check, don't over react, accept them where they are at, know when to get involved, when to let go, listen to them, allow them room to be who they are without our expectations weighing them down. Hold them accountable, lovingly. Be a positive role model for them and their friends. Get involved, but not overly  involved. You got to be a teenager once, now it is their turn. Catch them being good, let them know you caught them, be realistic, support them WHEW!!!!!

I got so much good info, ways of saying things, out of his lecture, that I cannot wait to share. Stay tuned!
And put the big girl panties on cause this mom thing, it is not for sissies.

Son #1 has his permit!

I don't remember ever being more nervous than sitting at DMV today waiting for him to get his permit. Then the fun starts. Guess which one is me:

"I guess I should carry a wallet now"

"OMG I forgot my seat belt"

'BRAKE!'

"Which way do I go?'

"Brake!"

" Can you move to the middle of the road a bit"

" Which way do I turn?"

" I like going down hill, that's fun!"

" They can't pull out right? I have the right of way?"

" BRAKE!"

" Mom, if you keep telling me to brake, I'm going to slam on the brake."

"I'd rather you slam on the brake than hit the car in front of us."

" But you'll go flying"

" I don't care"

"Ut oh, there's a cop"

"LOL it's okay you are not doing anything wrong"

"No, you can't go I have the right of way" ( he willed this to every car we passed waiting to turn onto the main road.

"Can you move to the middle a little more?" (as I see the grass under the car on the right)

" But the guy said you have to line up the yellow lines with the bottom of the front window. I think they are lined up, I don't know, your books are in the way"

"OMG give me the books"

Doing a transfer at NYA. #2 who is waiting for us thinks it would be a hoot to stand in the middle of the road as his brother approaches.

" OMG mom, I am going to hit him. Nick WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

" I was a pedestrian obstacle"
LOL



Wine anyone?

Dates 7 8 & 9

Ehhh     Ugh    and      Hmmmm

Basically a shy person here, so the challenge handed to me by my friend Tina, to date 20 different men this year is a great way to break out of the comfort coziness of my contented life. The challenge has focused me in a rare way I have not experienced in my single life.

#7 was very nice, really easy to talk to, 90 minutes went by in a flash, but  I don't know...

#8 is much easier to talk about, cause it was like being in a science fiction movie, or SNL skit. He claimed to have been only 46. His face was as leathery as a horse saddle, and the wrinkles were deep and long. If he was a cowboy I would have believed his claim, but he worked in an office for 28 years, or so he said. If they lie about their age, what else? He claimed to be retired due to solid investments and was spending his time figuring out what he wanted to do, which is cool I guess, I just can't relate. Then he pulled out the eye drops, in front of me    at the     table.
Not having contacts, I don't know if it's normal behavior. I was not digging him pulling his eyelids apart. But I stayed and chatted, trying to see if there was something. That's when he launched into his ex. I don't even rememberhow it started, but experience has told me, not good first date info. He was animated about the questions he still had for her; how long was she with the other guy before she told him, what had he done so wrong, how hard it is to be in the same room with her, etc. They've been divorced 15 years. Check please! I made a deal with myself that when meeting a man starts to feel like a therapy session, I would go, so I did.

I woke up to an equally long winded email from him about all the possible reasons I may have ended the date. He wasn't looking for my input as much as going on yet another rant. Thank God for delete buttons. I should have just told him to get therapy, still or again, but dating was something he is clearly not yet ready for, but I didn't. Just pressed DELETE. Ahhhhh

#9 was a nice surprise. 2 hour notice, quick stop at a coffee shop and it was enjoyable. Really enjoyable. So we shall see. I was told even if I meet a real good one, I have to keep on dating. I am psyched to be almost half way done with the challenge so soon! Onward and upward  or at least sideways.

The new rebellion

Let me start by saying I appreciate what I have. Three healthy amazing boys, almost all teenagers ( a few weeks for the youngest) and being so it is natural for them to rebel, but I never expected this. As a therapist I always had a concern in the back of my head that their rebellion would be something very public and poor behaviorish ( I write this knowing I'm not out the woods yet by any stretch). I'm prepared for that. Understanding the reasons they need to exercise their differentiation from the family helps ease the blow. Plus I had some excellent guidance.

My supervisor in my MFT program saw her 9 kids thru adolescents. By the last two she had it figured out. She knew there had to be something for them to push up against.,needed to exasperate you and get you bent out of shape. What self respecting teen doesn't want to see their parent on the brink? So what she did was create something to make an issue out of. For the two girls it was leaving brushes in the kitchen. While it might be annoying, she took it to the nth degree just so the girls knew they were satisfying their need to stick it to mom. I have families all the time, so willing to accept everything about their teen for fear of alienating them with disapproval, that the kid has to go to near life threatening measures before the parents stand up and clearly say "NO". They need us to push back, they want us to.

So here's my dilemma. I brought my kids up purposefully not denying them of sweets or junk food. We didn't over do, but it was around. I wanted them to learn how to balance choices, and not covet it when they were allowed to pick their own foods as I did. (Check the last post for my financial references.) Sleepovers always included a tray of brownies. Their friends stop by when my kids aren't here, just to raid my pantry.

So here's the deal. #1 is newly into only health food. Damn it. It's been going on for a while now. We threw out his Easter candy right before Christmas, Last night he came into my room trying to sell me his candy from Christmas. He will only only eat healthy, did I say that? As in, "Mom, is this good for me?" "Damn Alex just eat it it won't kill you! Everything in moderation, you can have a piece of cake on your birthday for crying out loud." And to make matters worse, twiddlededee & twiddlededum are following in his footsteps. Salads for dinner, every night, protien, lowfat milk and vegetables.

So that's it. The gig is up. Any sugar in my household is my doing. I can no longer hide behind having these kids as my excuse. If you see me in Big Y or Caraluzzi's with cookies in the cart, they are not for the boys. You can give me that look, I deserve it.Could they think of a better way to stick it to me but to make me own up to my own sugar addiction? And like all teens, there is nothing purposeful, or with awareness, about their rebellion. It just so happens to point parents in the direction of self reflection, if parents choose to look. 

And I'm looking at the 6 boxes of girl scout cookies delivered to my house this past week, with apparently only my name on them. What a great opportunity to grow, just have to decide if it's going to be my hips or my self.

16 ain't what it used to be

So Son #1 turned 16 a few weeks ago. As much as the thought of him driving has woken me from a deep sleep in a cold sweat, his lack of interest in it is concerning as well. I know it's not what it used to be. I remember as a Freshman seeing upperclasman walking around with car keys and feeling as if that was going to be the greatest feeling in the world. FREEDOM! Independence!  As soon as I had my license ( after the second try) my brown Omega was filled up with girlfriends heading off to a high school sporting event. Alex will have to wait a full year after getting it to enjoy such freedom.  And I have to wait a full 6 months after he gets it to have him help drive his brothers around. Don't get me wrong, there are few things more tragic than hearing about teenagers dying due to poor driving, and I think the state has a well thought out graduated plan on this. I just wish the boy would want to start the clock running atleast.

I got a job 3 days after I turned 16 and wasn't without one until it morphed into the non-cash return of motherhood. Alex works one Saturday a week for four hours, he seems ok with that. As OK as he is in not going for his learners permit.

Is this a good thing? Will, when we look back and see how this generation turned out, we wonder where all the excitement of getting older and more independent went? Will we see where we went off course?

I had to pay my own way, as Alex will have to, but somehow even though a Hershey bar was 20 cents back then and it is a $1 now ( I know some people use bread and milk for these examples, I just being honest about my knowledge base), the fact that my insurance was doable at $600 a year and his seems insurmountable at $1300 is very real. Well I guess when you are only bring home 24 dollars a week, it is.

All 16 this year, none interested in driving anytime soon

He will work more, once summer comes, but his first job is school. I cannot image him putting in hours elsewhere too. Were we all better at time management? Is school harder? Or is the payoff the thousands of dollars in scholarship he will hopefully get for having these rocking grades?

My nephew who turned 16 a few weeks ago is ok with his parents driving him around too, and my niece, what with her 7 weeks of summer sleep away camp and 2 plays she is in before then, cannot find the time or interest to pursue it either.

And is this just another one of those times I have to follow my own advise and " just shut up"?

I dreamed a dream of time gone by

I am corny.. Very corny.  I wear it proudly, not ashamed.  But I digress, this is about my dream,
So you know I am getting one into launch position. I do realize the separation process started over 16 years ago. While there was a day when anything important had to be shared with me, and a whole lot of not important but precious was shared, now a days, not so much.

So I had this dream. I was standing across from number one, who was sitting, and rubbing the outside of his leg while he spoke to me. (Now you know I was dreaming, as any attempts of affection from me are rebuked) He was sharing something, I was listening. BLISS! Then, as I rubbed his leg, he got smaller, and younger and next thing I knew the man/boy sitting across from me was a baby in my arms cuddled on my shoulder. AH Bliss! and as much as I immediately felt flooded with the love for that infant, I instantly felt the loss of that man/boy. And I regretted my selfishness and wanted my man/boy who is leaving me, who has to leave me, back. In leaving me, he validates my job done well. Doesn't that just beat all?

Kiss today good-bye the sweetness & the sorrow. Won't forget, can't regret,what I did for love.

Sometimes even I feel too sticky sweet.

Taxi Log Sat Feb 26th

7 am - see first client
8 am - make N breakfast  drive to NYA for 9 am game
9 am- second client
10 am - wake other two, feed and drive to NYA for work outs
spend next 90 minutes running errands in car
12:00- pick up freshly sweating teens and take to posh Panara eatery while they fight the whole way there, getting #3 so upset he refuses to come in to eat with us until I tempt him with some mac & cheese lunch.

12:45 return home- throw laundry in
want desperately to lie down to sleep...
1:45  bring only gainfully employed child to job, pay a ridiculous amount of money to fill up the car with gas and return home

2:30...sneak in a little nap while #3 excitedly writes master piece story of an epic battle between pens & pencils.

4 pm... pick up gainfully employed child who asks to be returned to NYA to hang out with his crew, and asks for some money for food, while he tucks his earnings in the glove box.

Drop irresistibly brilliant child off at NYA -return home. Help #3 edit his masterpiece ( me help edit, now that's funny)

Start dinner for other children and field a request from #2 about dropping him off in SANDY HOOK ( might as well be Cape Cod) at 10 pm that evening after his buddy is done with his sporting events. I think I started to cry.

5:10- NYA- pick up #1 bring him to Middle School for his next game.
6:30 #1's friends have shown up at NMS, discusses evening plans. They are sleeping somewhere, maybe going to a movie.( Quite loosey goosey for young men without licenses). Bring #1 home for shower & nutritious dinner of 2 PB&J's - found out #2 is content to stay in for the evening with neighborhood friend ( yeah for neighborhoods!)
7:15 back to NYA so can catch up with his crew, who have yet to decide where they will be laying down their heads.

8 pm- pellet stove empty, only place to get pellets is over-priced local grocery store. While out I contact #1, who has now ascertained a sleeping dwelling, and better yet, one he is willing to walk to. A big part of me said, "Go pick up those boys, it's a busy road, and they are not wearing proper reflective clothing".
I told her to "just shut up" and went home.