Riding the storm out

Long ago, when there was a wicked storm, we would make tents in the family room, bake cookies, play games and watch movies. There was a joy and innocence to candle light, cuddling and bad weather. Flash forward to Irene. The impending storm has us grounded, in the same house at least for 30 hours. That , lately, is a treat, in and of itself.
Forced togetherness.

Lately, I am a taxi driver. and now that Alex has his own car to drive, his home is more like a Bed  & Breakfast, except not so much the bed part, just a shower and breakfast. Of course the Italian part in me likes that he comes home for food atleast.

So Irene thank you. I'm not sure about what will happen when we don't have power for a few days & between you & me, God forbid we get that phone call from the school's emergency response system saying school opening will be delayed. But for now, Come on Irene!

Lessons on Kayaking

Years ago I went kayaking at my friend Lisa's beach cottage. The kids had taken a boat to go bridge jumping & Lisa & I were following behind in the kayaks. I struggled, can't exactly explain what the trouble was,but as Lisa glided thru the water seemingly effortlessly making fast movement toward the bridge, I was in mortal combat against stagnant water and directionless momentum. At one point Lisa called to me from across the way," I'm really enjoying watching you try to do this".   LOL

It looks so peaceful doesn't it?

Fast forward,we go to Eastham every year, and there is only so much to do in the cape, the point I suppose, nonetheless, I like to do a little something when on vacation. This year I decided the littlest ones were only enough and we rented Kayaks. My lucky co-pilot was Alex.

As soon as we set off there were signs of trouble. Mainly the littlest kids were leaving us in the dust and the older kids were already out of sight and we were barely a kayaks length from the dock.

Alex said, "I can't believe they just pushed us off without giving us directions ( true first born)". I said, "we can do this!" I was wrong.
I was with the strongest one in our group, and we could barely go a kayak's length in a straight line (I am starting to understand the problems we encountered while white water rafting). There has been no physical challenge Alex could not count on his body to meet, except apparently kayaking.

After 2 hours of painfully slow forward, veer right, go in a circle, try again, veer right. repeat.  Paddle backwards for a while,  hook up with the little kids and ask them to tow us,  one goes one one side, one the other, two strokes on the left side, one on the right. we tried everything. Nothing that worked. His frustration level, and my patience were are cross roads & we decided to head back in. Watching his little brother & his friend glide by us effortlessly was demoralizing. We even studied their technique to try to replicate it- nothing. All the while I felt it my job to buoy my son's drive.
" We can do this Alex!, Every stroke is one closer to home! Come on , we can figure this out. Eye on the prize" I cheered on.
 For part of the trip Alex walked through ozzing mud/sand mixture pulling our kayak. whenever he could ,for as long as he could. Once the water was too deep, he declared he was no longer helping & it was up to me to get us home. He quit. He put his paddle on his lap and sat there, allowing me to try to navigate the beast the rest of the way to the dock. Believe me I contemplated pulling up to shore ( since the stupid boat kept heading that way anyway) and hitch hiking back to the rental store a few times. but get there we did.

Later that night, over the bonfire in the back yard, Alex felt comfortable enough to tell me he felt like hitting me with the paddle because I was so " damn positive, you were annoying. Just admit it mom," it sucked" he begged. And I did.  " Oh it sucked bud," I said. " but what good  does that do us? What are you going to do in college when you are overwhelmed by your work load or don't know how to figure it out?I don't want you to give up, I want you to know you can do it"

"I will have a rubric" He says. Point taken. Maybe had I admitted how much, how very much the experience sucked, and how many times I was thinking of pulling the &^%$ kayak out of the water & walking back, maybe I wouldn't have done the last leg on my own, maybe, had I joined him, he would have joined me.

In my desire to teach him a life lesson, I believe he taught me one.

Parenting is not for the faint at heart

 Client 1. Daughter (14) has met boy from different town (16) Mom & Dad come in to lay down ground rules.
Completely reasonable & a little more lenient than me- there are no members of the opposite sex allowed in my kids' bedrooms. I do not have time to stand watch at a door, so I refuse to set the situation up. ( Alex says I am way too strict- ah well) So said client's teenaged daughter grumbles at the rules, and mom looks at me flustered  "See I get attitude" " So what?" I say, yep that's what 5 years in a Masters program in family therapy prescribes for these situations, " So what?"

If I had to wait until my children LIKED what I told them to do, we'd be over run by garbage, the lawn would never be cut, & Michael would still be wearing the same clothes he wore the first day of school. You get the picture.

Family 2: Divorced parents came in together, their 8 year old was on-line video chatting at a friends house and the 14 year old boy they were talking to convinced them to do some untoward stuff. Dad said " This is exactly why I did not want to have a daughter." His fear was palpable.

http://www.parentingteensinfo.com/2011/08/12/dont-allow-yourself-to-become-isolated-2-minute-tip-for-parenting-teens-168/

There's a great website above. You are not alone, whatever you are going through. & they put us through alot.

Parenting through fear or love?

I spoke with Bev Jean for a brief moment yesterday. But you know how it is, when you speak with a loved one, a brief moment, can speak volumes. All the words tend to count. I had given her a book by Nora Ephron, something about neck wrinkles, I glanced through it prior to handing it over, ( That's not officially regifting is it?) So Bev Jean says to me " I finished the book you gave me, and I have earmarked something I want to share with you & talk about." I asked her to share at the moment as I was familiar with the book. She says" The part where she talks about parenting. & how you parents today, and you know I think you bend over backwards for those kids ( THOSE kids? you mean mine? The ones I chose to bring into this world?- thoughts not spoken words) well, she says you know how parents today say something like "I know you didn't mean to break mommy's lamp when you threw the ball" well it's just to much" I remarked on the obvious literary license Ephron used, but let her know I understood what she was getting at.
"Mom you mean because this generation talks to their kids more than yours did? Cause we'd get hit first and asked questions later? " And sometimes hit with a belt for just being in the general area of the mishap.
"Yeah, I'm not sure it's working" Sometimes I think she forgets what I do for a living.
"So Mom, because some parents have tried to not shame their children for child-like behavior, you think we are all parenting wrong? Is it possible the adults who were those kids who got hit first and questioned later didn't like that parenting method?"
" Well in my generation" I  have to admit I interrupted this one "You got hit and no questions later?"
" No" she said, "we didn't do it because we were told not to"  So somehow, magically, at 2, 3 & 4 years old children of two generations ago had a far superior sense of self control and logic? Or did they know they'd get hit if they did something wrong? And where did that lead them?

We have had the conversation many times over of raising kids through fear or through mutual respect. She'd criticize me frequently for not applying some " psychology to the seat of their pants", when the boys were small.
I agreed with her, that I see in my practice some parents, who, not wanting to repeat what was done to them,  shift the balance to allowing the child too much power, which is as damaging as not considering them enough, and again stated, " While I know the jury is out on my own parenting for another 20 years, I am comfortable with having three straight A students who seem basically kind, are interested in eating health & exercising "
What I didn't say was, at 16, 14, and 13, to my knowledge, my kids have not gotten involved with drugs, alcohol, have not had depression , anxiety or issues stealing, and I am fairly confident no one is sexually active, all of which is more than I can say for her children at those ages.

So, yes the jury is out, and I know as a future grandma I will need to bite my tongue a million times over regarding what I think is the best way to raise children ( PLEASE breastfeed & one of you stay home with them for the first two years!!!)- but it'll be none of my business.
I hope the old adage of " you do the best with what you know at the time, and when you know more, you do better" holds. Here's to learning more about child development, and bonding, human interaction.

And I had been doing so well on my diet today

Momma says " If you want to play with the air soft guns, you must wear your helmet!" Why does momma say this? Cause she wants to be difficult? Make you look uncool? Take all the fun out of everything? To make you sweat even more on these hot August days?
Nope, Momma says this because, selfishly, she feels pain when she hears you cry, or worries about you while she is trying to work, she doesn't want to take you to two Doctors and have to cancel clients, then make room in her overbooked schedule for daily Dr appointments until the blood dissipates from inside your eyeball.
Cause she is basically selfish I guess. Let's not talk about the co-pays and gas and oh yeah, You could have cause serious PERMANENT DAMAGE! My shoulders ache from the stress of the day & I am on a hunt for some chocolate. And I had done really well on the healthy eating today.

To be fair, he was coming inside to get the helmets, when his buddy took the shot at him ( thinking the gun was empty) Never in a million years could this child have planned on lodging a plastic pellet in my son's eye socket, but he did. They were like pirates who found the treasure chest when they excitedly told me that what I thought was swelling under his eye from early reports of getting hit there, was actually a pellet that had been  swallowed up by the eye lid. They were truly as proud as any boy would be at first, proving mom wrong "You were wrong mom, that swelling you thought I had actually was the pellet pushing my skin out, I pushed it up and it popped out. It's on the floor in the basement" ( great kid, one point for you)    Thinking the crisis had been handled, life went on, until the real pain set in. a whole 15 minutes later, 4 minutes before my next client arrived.

Long & short, scratched corneas, while painful, apparently heal overnight. And he will have to get reconditioned for football again, as he is most likely out for the rest of this week. I am pretty sure he will forever wear his helmet, and his brothers too, and any of his team mates on the football team. It takes someone taking a hit, before we parents hold a level of credibility in our kids eyes.

Alex goes for his driver's test on Thursday. Any hints on helping him believe that he too is mortal?

Shhhhh! Please do NOT repeat these!

I am only doing this because the kids swear they do not read my blog. But this stuff is PRICELESS!!

Kind of a litmus test for knowing you child still needs you to help navigate their way a bit.

1. We are in P-town on Friday evening. The local bank is "Seaman's Bank". now you & I know why it is called that, but with the sexually charged town, with testosterone filled boys, you know where they went with it. As I tried to convince my youngest that it's meaning was for fisherman, he came back to me with, " MOM, no, they did that on purpose"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
" Underneath the name, it says F' dick. They shouldn't do that, it's a bank."
I will admit I was perplexed for a moment and asked him to show me what he was talking about. He walked me to the sign, and sure enough,
under Seaman Bank it says FDIC.

2. A child tells me he wants ice cream. I hand him 5 singles. After making his selection he turns to me and hands me 4 back. I look quizzically at him, and the sign trying to find out what this bargain of the year was in P-town, where you can't get a single scoop without breaking a Lincoln. I ask, he points to a waffle cone in a display case that has a sticker on it that reads 75 cents. Oh if the world were only so sweet. I hand him back the 4 dollars. He gets it.

3. We are eating at some outdoor type food court. Not wanting to walk 6 boys to individual stalls to order their various meals, I become a flurry of handing out 10's & 20's. One takes a ten, but is slow to order anything. He as actually walking in circles, while everyone else was sitting down. I approached him and asked if he had found anything he like. He a said he did, but he was not going to buy it because it was a rip off. "What do you mean?" I asked. He says, "What I want costs $5 but they are going to charge me $10, so I am not buying it."  Again, I am saying "show me". We walk into the store and this lovely money conscious child points to the sign at the register that reads " Minimum charge $10".-

aside from giving me moments of extreme, albiet private, laughter,  these incidents were a reminder of the innocence, and the work yet in front of me.

Echos of the Breakfast Club

I have been in this field for close to 20 years. YIKES! In 1992 I graduated as a Marriage & Family Therapist. My experiences in the four years I was absorbed in the program at SCSU were life changing.One of the largest lessons, that I had already had the seed of, (planted by my friend Aimee in high school, who also became an MFT), but was confirmed was simply " We are more alike than different" Thank you John Hughes-

Each summer I attend a conference at the Cape to meet my continuing education requirements. And each year I come back with an appreciation for the depth and thoroghness of the education I recieved at SCSU. And I ususally write a note of thanks to  Drs. Barbara & Ed Lynch, thanking them again for the enormous impact they had on my life.

Once again this year, sitting in a room, of generally older therapist, psychologists and social workers, I was struck by what appeared to be the presentation and understanding of this simple concept. Underneath it all, we are not so different after all. This thought was echoed again and again, with a sense of surprise, by my classmates, as we watched videos and experienced live sessions. On a side note, Adele was amused by how excited I was to get to watch live therapy sesssions, hey I admit I am different. Probably akin to her seeing a huge deal close. Anyway, it struck me, if those of us blessed enough to be given the opportunity to see each other in all of our naked emotional vulnerability need to be reminded, underneath it all we are all made out of similar cloth, that probably everyone needs to be reminded.

Not color, not religion, not socio economic status, not age, not ethnicity, not prestige, nor poverty change the fact that we all want to be included, want to be loved,  we feel pain, sadness and fear. We all have been hurt, perhaps even traumatized, we have lost, we suffer. We also feel love, hope, tenderness and compassion. Look at the children, I have often held the belief that they are nearest to God, therefore nearest to our most perfect state. Before our socialization techniques, and Life, create the changes that often come to mar the most beautiful form of SELF. Look at them, they know compassion, and curiosity, creativity, calm and caring. It is inate, it is who we are meant to be. All of us.

I am very excited about this theraputic technique I was exposed to, ready to do another scrubbing of my own interior psyche and have more tools to use with my own clients. I will keep you posted!

Whales, Snails & Puppy Dogs tails



our snail from our bay catch



Lots of whale tail in P-town

 that's what our vacation was made of. We did our annual trek to the cape. Me & 6 boys. I naively brought a bag of magazines to read in my down time. Only things is, there is no down time with 6 boys.

Nolan & Penzi

I'm not complaining, just always surprised at how little I remember from year to year about the possibilities.

It was an awesome week, best educational week ever for me ( I take therapisty courses while I am there) & barring loosing 2 of the children for 5 hours while kayaking, and a few injuries, it was a all good. The food, the location and the humor the company. Jane came with her kids for the last two days. ( I have daughter envy)
And each time I am thankful for this chance to hang with my boys, get a little sunshine and learn a bit more about them. Hope you all are enjoying your summer too!