I realize I am a bit different but...

I was standing in line to get our clamming license when a woman walked in with her three year old ADORABLE son. Wistful as you know I am for those times, it bothered me a bit when she mentioned how she was " stuck" alone with him for 4 days until her parents came up. "Just me" she said,  "His dad didn't some with us".
I did not bother mentioning my current situation. 6 Teenagers & me, no dad for years, and one (unbeknown-st to me, tied up in the trunk of my van at that very moment ( Ah boys))
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She said, " I am so tired of hearing MOMMY come play with me"  , " Don't worry," I said smiling, " that will end". And I didn't bother to say what she could not appreciate anyway. I chalked it up to being a bit overwhelmed, which of course I was/am, at times still. Another woman joined us in our little cue, as the first was attempting to orient her son to why a man seemingly cut in front of us in line, much to the tot's loud protests of being unfair and wrong. She looked at the grandmotherly woman who walked in and said, " I can't wait for tomorrow, he is in camp from 9-1." The Grandmother nodded and said, " I have an 8 month old and a 3 year old at my house now, it gets old". The smiled sympathetically at each other. I walked away with a heavy heart for those children. Do these women not realize what a blessing they have? Would that mom like her son to be calling another woman "Mommy"? One who would hear that as music, or that Grandmother rather her grandkids don't visit her?
I left the office, only to find three of my teens in my car, & like I said, one tied up in the trunk. But that's another story.

We went clamming that afternoon and it struck me, while most of us walk along the beach searching for shells, or just enjoying the scenery. Shell fishermen are looking for specific signs in the sand, one you or I might simple walk over, as a sign that there is a clam to be dug here. We watched the sand intently, felt it with our feet, looked for the tell tail spitting sea water signs, or tiny whole that indicate potential for bounty. It was a very different experience of the beach. I could not help but make a connection to the folks who took their offspring for granted or the many parents that I see who do not know what to look for in their kids as signs of connection and need. Of course as I tried to share my insights with my shellfish hunting group, I got little response, mostly odd looks. So I will save it for another day for them, and give it to you today.

I think we appreciate it more when we know what to look for. Look for love peeps.

How long do you know someone till you know someone?

I love my mom, I do, I adore her. For years one of my traditions was to take her to a Broadway show a few times a year. Something we both love doing. We have not gone for a few years, times have been tough. This year I decided I was going to wait no longer, and I arranged my schedule so I could take her yesterday. So we went.

She was very patient while I disregarded what I knew ( the way to NYC) and listened to my Gamin which had us running in circles for an hour. Then we got to the Tickets booth. There were so many options, Billy Elliot, Mary Poppins, Jersey Boys, so many. And they are saying Broadway has never had a better year. Mom mentions Priscilla Queen of the Desert. She saw Bette Midler on the View talking about it. I am a Midler fan, but I also saw the movie version years ago. " Do you know what it's about mom?", I ask. "I know Bette Midler is behind it.".  She says smiling."Yes, but do you know it's about transvestites mom?" (I had in the recent past suffered through the raunchiness of the Joan Rivers "movie" with her recently and decided there is nothing good about hearing the "C" word or explicit sexual content while sitting next to your mom.) " Yeah I know". she says again, smiling, " And Bette Midler is behind it."

So we go, and we watch, and some of it is funny, and there were many fine looking males up there on that stage with little on (but again not something I want to experience next to my MOM). It was actually better for me than a female dancing cast which just makes me resent my short stumpy legs. And I did really love the dresses the older tranny wore, found myself really studying them, so I can find something like them, very feminine and flowing.

And then there was the scene that I forbid my kids to see in the "Hangover 2"- What those Asian girls do with ping pong balls! Really? Again? 
And she leans in to me and says "Thanks for coming with me, this is not something I could ever have brought my girlfriends to." And at once, I am flooded with two thoughts. One being " Really? that would have been uncomfortable for you?" And also, gratitude that I kept my mouth shut an let my mom have her experience.  I paused for a few moments and thought about all those trips to business trips to Vegas she took when I was a child. Perhaps there's more to Bev Jean than meets the eye. I certainly hope there is more to me than meets the eye. Not this necessarily.

My summer vacation???

So the boys were gone, then they were back, now they are gone again. Which is good cause, as the saying goes, I need a vacation from my vacation. 3 theme parks, camping & a white water rafting trip, AND I still saw clients. I am wiped out.
What I learned: One of our traditions has been to go to the Great Adventure Safari, I have pictures of the boys as toddlers, in matching safari print overalls ( yeah I was THAT mom). A few years ago, amidst protests from the youngest we went again, and saw a lioness stalk and kill a bird ( who gets to see that???) and this year, we were there early as we were going to the amusement park for the first time ever, and  watching animals does not get old. Go first thing in the am, before the heat makes them all lay down for comfort, they are up, we saw Kangaroos hopping, Rhino's policing traffic, bears eating. It was awesome.

I learned I can get thru anything ( like this) by couting. This was a 47 second-er.

My  kids & I are not the most coordinated paddlers in the world. There is a decent chance we would not have survived had we taken this trip as an outdoor adventure without help. While in the beginning of the trip, we were one of the rescue boats, pulling people & oars from the water, but then, our lack of coordination left us right by the sweep up boat most of the time, and eventually even he past us leaving the kayak sweeper to pull us off of several rocks. Ending with our entire boat flipping 30 feet off shore at the end of the trip. I almost cried, I worked really hard to not cry. Ok I cried while I was taking a shower in the camp a little later.

Just cause you are loud does not mean you are the boss. I knew this, what I learned was my middle son does not know this. It's a process I guess.

Group bulding activities does not always result in group building. But mom completely loosing it because there is no place to send someone who is misbehaving when you are on a boat and talking reason is not working, does buy 24 hours of " better" behavior.

Kids laugh about things much sooner than I think they are funny.The next morning at breakfast I was awake with the middle son, his BF and my oldest's GF. Over breakfast the middle, who attempted to run our boat with insults and yelling, was recapping what we did wrong the day before. I was ready to smack him with my pancake spatula, and the other teens just looked at him and laughed and said " Give it a rest already!" They laughed. I was still fuming. I needed to " give it a rest already" too. So I did.

And now, I have a week of rest before our next adventure begins. AHHHHHH!

Life is what you make it- Life is good

"My life is my own making." My old friend states full of remorse. Not immediately picking up on his affect ( Yes, I DO take off the therapist hat sometimes) I responded, " Yeah aren't they all?" smiling. He was patient with me, he cares  for me. " Yes", he responded, "and one day we look and say well do I like what I've created or don't I?" He is not happy, but as I look back in my mind, he was never what I would call "happy". It's been 30 years since I have seen him, funny how things do not change.

I have been accused of being happy too easily, well teased is more like it. And here I lay, on my clean, awesome smelling sheets, 3 hours before my boys & their entourages are due home after being away for over a week, 2 sessions in front of me and I am, as I often am, happy. My life is far from perfect, and at the same time, I am very blessed.

As old friends do, we talked of hopes, dreams, desires and how it turned out VS how we hoped it would. He is absolutely correct in saying to me, in 2001 I would never have dreamed of sitting at Meckaur Park on July 1 2011, divorced, with my own business, navigating the dating world and chatting with him. His point was not the beauty of life though. He is filled with regret and anger.I told him , hearing him speak, I was feeling sad, and he admonished me not to feel sad for him. He's right. That's disrespectful. He has made this life. Lessons to learn abound.

Earlier this week I had a talk with my brother about a book idea. All the things we all say we want to do but cannot due to time, money, obligations; what if it were possible? What if time stood still and no ones needs were going to go unmet, what would you do? It was fun to think about. It was gratifying to realize I want the life I have, yes I have dreams. My heart has hope for a great love and moving to the beach. Neither could be accomplished in stopping time for a day or even a few days. But while I tend to the every day things that make me happy, I am hopeful that the rest will take care of itself.