back in time

Over lunch today the boys and I opened up a time capsule I had created in 2000. We were supposed to have opened it this time last year, but um I forgot. Naturally they were babies, and could not remember anything they had put in it, but upon seeing the trinkets and notes they wrote to themselves again, I'd have to say, it was worth it.
The treasures we discovered included grocery flier ( strawberries were .99 a pint!) the News Times from that day, Can't remember any significant news. I traced each child's hand, and all three ft on a single 81/2 x 11! They enjoyed seeing how much they overlapped now. There were letters Alex & Nick dictated to me that I wrote for them and they signed. Alex's was mostly about Pokeman, specifically picachu ( sp?) and talked about his good friend David, who now lives in NC and Nick went on and on about some pre-schooler named Stephanie who allegedly kissed him for a long  long time. We had pictures from our recent Christmas party that we had held that year, each child sitting on Santa's lap. And also polaroids of each child just as 2000 began, sleeping in their respective beds. So sweet and innocent. Then there were three Kubone key chains, undoubtedly a happy meal toy. Kubone was a favorite of the boys' father, I'm not sure why.
I have kept  a lot of things from when they were small. Each child has their own over flowing bin in the basement filled with mementos of times gone by. Having only sons, my hope is that their wives will appreciate  my boys' history.The favorite outfits, toys, books and crafts, the art work and music that were all very real expressions of my love for them, I do hope one day someone will pull them out an say " This child was loved".
That's really all I can ask, as I face these current times, when my love often in expressed in a lot less fun manners, such as denying a privilege when one is acting out of line, or unlocking bedroom doors to revoke the cell  phone after having been told to "Bite Me" by an ornery teen.  Would a time capsule of today bring the same feeling of warmth the eleven year old one we opened up this afternoon brought? Or perhaps just a sense of relief that this time in our lives has passed. What on earth would we put in it? My oldest is currently into health food and working out, the second "rap crap" and socializing and the youngest loves his books, but I dare not take one to hide it away for a decade again. And where, or where will they all be on this eve at the ages of 25, 24 and 22. I am fairly confident I will not be their company that evening. With any luck I will be down at the beach near David's mom. But as long as they all text me at midnight, all will be good.


Happy New Year!

Cousining

Kaitlyn, Jake, Alanna, Alex, Colin, Mikayla, Nicholas, Ben, Max, Michael, Amanda, Madison, Quinn, Jarred, Ryan, Connor

Having had only 4 cousins that lived in another state, and whom we rarely saw, I  treasure that my kids have so many, and so close by. As siblings we make efforts to make sure the kids have opportunities to be together. Christmas Eve is a wonderful mad house with all 16 kids and respective parents. We have kept traditions, such as Santa arriving to give out books and signal the beginning of the present exchange, even when Santa was one of the cousins. For the past handful of summers we have had what we call " Cousin's Camp". an entire summer day set aside for fun activities together, ranging from Scavenger hunts in downtown Bethel, to a Grandma Bev relay which required the kids to go thru an approximation of what their grandmother's day was like between her two jobs and taking care of her parents. Always present was the egg toss, and food. And when Sean and his crew come to town you can plan on a few occasion's with everyone present.
As with any group of people, some get along better than others, certainly the girls born just two days apart at Danbury hospital have a very cool bond, but all, in their way, reach out to each other in sibling like fashion.You can tell by the giggles or screams coming from the" Man cave" in my house that stuff, good stuff, is going on. I hope the memories they have created together of comradiere and companionship serve them as the grow into adulthood. I am thinking with this many kids, there is very few occupations we will not have some sort of expertise in.  Hearing them share memory stories of vacations spent together, showing concern for each other when life happens is all great training ground for living and loving.
And of course, and an Aunt to such a great group of kids, it is fun to hang out with them all. My kids aren't even home and 8 nieces and nephews just left after spending the better part of the day playing games & hanging out, making memories and being a family

The official position on Santa Claus

The boys are 15, 14 and 12. I have heard stories from friends and family members about tearful realizations, anger and disbelief, sadness of childhood left behind. We have had no such conversations or questions here, ever. I've got three boys raise on a theory of  "If you don't believe in Santa Claus he won't believe in you", taken from a song from my childhood of a similar name. So the official position of the Roche boys is that of neither confirming nor denying the existence of the jolly old Elf. Given that my middle child is named  specifically after him, I think that is wise.
Yes Virginia, and Alex, Nick and Michael, there is a Santa Claus. There is no other way to explain the massive amount of work that goes in to creating the amazing morning we share each year. Who but Santa would know this was the year the forget about Alex's traditional orange flavored chocolate in favor of Gatorade energy stuff, or Micheal's newly reemerged love of all things nerf, or Nick's interest of Jeff Dunham? Who could possible wrap all that, bake all this, gather all things and create a sense of wonder and excitement?
And have energy to enjoy the morning with them?
As on of my favorite Raffi songs states : " Must be Santa".

I have to admit one of my biggest joys is watching they excitement they have in giving and receiving from each other. They are learning to know each other and what a thoughtful gift is. It is gratifying to see they may be almost as good as Santa at this. Almost. In this house, for this year, and hopefully many years to come. Santa rules.

Twas the week before Christmas

And all through the house, so little holiday cheer
"I have homework!" teenagers grouse.
The stocking were hung by the chimney, but who cares?
"We have essays and projects before we get there!"
The children are nestled all snug in the beds
With algebra, science and Spanish tests in their heads.
I don't wear a kerchief, & baseball is the only cap
A sinus headache keeps me from a nap.
When the boys are awake, usually such clatter
I often find myself asking " What is the matter?" ( with YOU????)
Tis the season for dolling out cash
Credit card bills I don't like to rehash.
I hear this Sunday we'll be getting some snow
I can feel my back hurting from deep down below
But that's ok, pretty lights will appear
Letting us know Christmas is near
Moving thru the streets, on ice we go quick
Not surprising in this house to hear me yell " Nick!"
"Leave him alone, Michael's his name!"
The constant teasing is really getting lame.
Get me on home, a cocktail I'll be mixin'
Remembering fondly days I felt like a vixen.
Ah, Christmas is not what it used to be at all,
So magical and warm when they were all small
They told me, those strangers, how time would fly
"Enjoy them now" They'd whisper as they'd walk by
And they were right, how the time flew
I was taller once, now shorter than two.
I still listen though,  for the noise on the roof,
Unfortunately it's leaks, never a hoof.
Each year at this time, my brother comes around
To CT for Christmas, reluctantly he is bound.
I'm always glad to have more under foot
Can't think of a line ending in soot.
Gifts from Grandma Bev will be breaking my back,
" I'm just doing stockings", turned into a Sack.
Each grandchild she made sure will be merry
lots of treats,  sundries and candies of cherry.
The house it is decorated, right down to the bow
On my iron chef in the kitchen, hanging for show
A tradition each year, new cleaners for their teeth,
New on the front door a self lighting wreath.
Cookie swap was today, loved the ones filled with jelly
Loved all of them actually, just look at my belly :-)
I really do try each year to be a bit more like an elf
As I age I take liberties with myself
Got some ideas for the future up In my head
Makes me feel like empty nesting is nothing to dread
I hear them calling, I must return to work,
" His name is Alex," I admonish "Don't call him a jerk"
Wishing for the power to lay a finger aside my nose

the good ol' days

Remembering mommy magic, from which all good things arose.
The sadness builds  inside me like a tea kettle whistle
Turning back time would be like finding a thistle ( in a hay stack)
I have to embrace today, for soon it will be out of sight.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Jury's out

This week I was lucky enough to go into NYC with Jane & her girls and one of their friends. Let me preface this by saying as a woman who had only brothers & now only sons, the girl thing intimidates me a little, Yes I know I am one, but dealing with them and being one is two very different beasts. I know the boy thing & the girl thing is different so it was kind of fun for me to compare ways in which we were.
No surprise to anyone, but living it is a different story, girls take WAYYYYYY longer to get ready. I am not one of them, perhaps having such a large family with military precision created my efficiency, but these little munchkins, not so much. Which is fine, but there's something to be said for 15 minutes from the bed to the car. Girls, well these girls, sing ou tloud in the car. I like that. My boys will do so on occasion, but not like this. As a matter of fact the girls were willing to sing in a singing restaurant, on the street, waiting in lines, in a non-singing restaurant while waiting again, or while eating dinner. All punishable by disownment from the boys but I was in my glory with the girls.  I like that. For me singing brings joy, and not just Christmas joy ala Buddy the elf, joy anytime of year. I like joy, joy's my favorite. So to recap, singing public loud singing girls YES boys No. Getting out the door in a timely manner, Boys Yes  Girls No.

Another thing I noticed is the gift shop phenomenon. With the boys we can get in and out of a building with a gift shop in about 2 minutes. They really do not want a pen with the Empire State Building lighting up when you turn it over, or anything else for that matter non food related anywhere else. After spending time, a good deal of time, waiting for the girls to explore every nic-nac  & bric a brac and charm available in EVERY gift shop we had the potential to investigate, as well as the one and only store in NY where you can get that ever elusive I heart NY t-shirt( I tried to tell them otherwise, I really did), I have a new appreciation for the males decisiveness and expedient nature when it comes to all things shopping. I do understand the females need to take in all information touch, look at and consider. To be fair, had we been to a store I too was interested in, like not the Bridal Shop at Macy's, ( spent some time waiting for them outside of there too. Did I mention they are pre-teens?) I may have wanted to wander a bit myself. But I remain confident no one I know needs a chocolate statue of the Empire State.This was after all their first trip to NYC so we waited. The boys would have HATED it. So perhaps God's plan of three sons does have it's benefit, I am not trying to keep a few calm while one window shops ever. Gift shops Girls Yes, Boys No.

admiring the tree

Picture taking. I am a big picture taker, my side entrance hallway is cover with my masterpieces ( of course that means semi focused pics of my babies) So when we go to NY , or anywhere, the kids know there will be a short amount of time they need to cooperate with picture taking before I go all Joan Collins on them.
" Smile G'D it!" "Act like you are having fun or no dinner!" Girls, or these girls I should say, found picture taking to be almost as intriguing as gift shop browsing. Any string of bright lights or however poorly costumed character they saw; was cause for a stop & take some pictures. I am sure Jane got some great ones, they were really cute all in their Santa hats all day ( another thing my boys, at these ages, would never do, although I did see a good many college aged young men sporting them, so perhaps they will grow into it) :-).  Pictures- Boys limited and contracted ( "You said only at the tree I don't care if they didn't come out or this is prettier, you said we only had to do it at the tree!") Girls -anytime any where "I am ready for my close-up Mr Demille"

All in all, both sexes have their strengths and weaknesses. Girls do appear to require more patience and boys more movement. Hey that's what I tell my clients in various ways every week Hmmmm. Happy Holidays all.

Oh one more thing. If you are going to the top of the Empire State Building, by pass the guys out front selling their version of the trip. Go inside & get it from the real guys. Lesson learned.

Day trips

Sometimes when riding in cars with boys we go on day trips. Truthfully whenever possible, partially because I believe it is a parents responsibility to expose their children to the outside world, and partially because whenever we are at home, for some strange reason there is challenging of the pecking order. If you have boys close in age, you know what I am talking about. If you don't, let me describe what happens. They cannot pass each other in the hallway without shoulder checking each other into the wall, fingers are wiggled in front of each others faces until someone looses it, pushing, shoving, taunting and yelling. Until someone declares some type of victory, or I have completely lost it. The boys have always been in the birth order they are today, they have always been each 19 months older or younger than the next one, no one has gained more age, height or weight on anyone else, why oh why is there a constant caveman like battle for power? Oldest wins, he's bigger and stronger, then the 2nd comes in 2nd , and the youngest is last. That's how it is,  & I think it will be for a good 5 or 6 years into the future. Nonetheless, every time we are alone together for a length of time,they have to test this basic principal.

So whenever we have a free day, I like to get them in the car, where punching each other takes a bit more effort as they can each command their own isle, and get out of dodge. This past weekend we went in to NYC and I heard from my 15 year old words I have been longing to hear for over ten years. We were standing in the middle of Time Square admiring the ball that will be dropping in a few short weeks, and he said "This is cool". He has never liked NYC, a place I LOVE.  He was freaked out by the crowds and the homeless people talking to themselves wandering in circles ( sounds a bit like me though on a bad day) I feel hopeful now that we can head in more often.
We had a great day. ( WARNING unlike in the movie "When in Rome", there are no taxidermy wolves running up the ramp at the Googenheim, which is what prompted me to bring the kids there) There are however lots of nude statues and paintings, which prompted our very quick visit and lots of apologizes from me to our co-ed group.
Oooops.

We went to Macy's, looked at the windows, went to the pop tart store, M&M's, Hershey, the Charmin bathroom stop complete with a video dance along and an MC chatting it up with people waiting in the lines for the facilities.We watched street performers saw the show on Saks exterior, saw the big tree. It was a very different experience for me with the girls than if it was just me & the boys.
And I am happy to say, it was a pleasure. The girls balanced out the day, far less jockeying for position went on, the boys were compliant with requests they would have strongly protested if I were alone with them. All in all a great Christmas success!

One of the dangers

Of riding in cars with boys, is when one of the boys starts to drive the car. Son 1 has been starting to practice. around the block 2-  3 times, in and out of the garage. The usual things to cut ones teeth on. Friday morning we were all off a bit and I asked him to take the van out of the garage. We don't have an easy garage, we have a pole right in the middle of it making getting in and out of the driver's door difficult ( and adding another reason why I am done having children to the list, NO way would a pregnant belly be able to navigate the 5 inches I have to squeeze thru) So on this morning I asked Number 1 to pull the car out while I was finishing getting the littler ones ready.

I came out side to find him out of the car, looking at it, since it was FREEZING out ( have I mentioned i abhor cold weather?) I asked him what was going on. He had no words, he pointed to the edge of the car and to the garage and to the edge of the car and to the garage. I walked around the car to find white paint in a 14 inch area on the car and a fairly good sized dent. A also saw a man/child who needed to get on the bus in two minutes and was close to loosing it. I quickly hugged him, told him it would be alright and got him in the car to get to the bus. He takes things pretty seriously so I tried to make light of it by saying "Everyone gets into an accident, perhaps that will be yours" and "You can actually stop if you think you are hitting something, you don't have to keep moving"  I wanted him to be ok and settled by the time he got to school. I did not think about the backlash.

The next time it was brought up, you know by his brother's to torment him, his response was : "What kind of a mother asks her 15 year old son to back out the the garage when the car is on a slant?" I was stunned. Have I gone so far to keep things calm around here & solution focused that he has no sense of personal responsibility? Or is taking that responsibility too much for him wholly right now?

I had him do what he could, after several friends suggested some magic white sponge that erases all kinds of stuff, ( Thank you again red tent) he spent 20 minutes getting all the paint off the car. He wasn't happy about it. My hope is he felt like he could have a positive impact on repairing something. Even by a cup of water and a sponge. It looks ok now, you'd have to look to see the impact.
Isn't that the truth with most of us? We look ok on the surface, & you really have to look to see the bumps and cracks :-).

So we "survived" his first accident, just like we survived his first B, his first hurts, stitches, surgery. We will go on, facing these risks, milestones and rights of passage. Surviving each in turn, but not without bumps and scratches

Precious moments

I was home alone with my first born tonight, and he was not up to his ears in homework. It was a rare occasion. We celebrated by making a few puzzles and playing the game Boggle. I tried the questions, you know about drugs sex  rock & roll, or rap to be more accurate. We have moved beyond grunting, " Thank you Lord!",

and actual sentences came out. It was lovely. It's beginning to look a lot like the most wonderful time of the year.

The puzzle was a picture I had taken of him when he was about 5 while we were on a hike. He has the best smile, always has. He used to be a lot more generous about sharing it, and it was there in it's full glory in the puzzle. I asked him if he remembered, if he remembered being that happy. Our trips to the farm, hiking, the silly games we played, the forts in the family room, all the years I gave him a piggyback to bed ( till 2008). If he remembered the favorite times of my life. I know he can't possibly remember all that, I do. I know that is part of the burden I chose when I decided to become a single mom, not that being in my marriage would have made it a shared memory/joy. But now there's no chance of anyone else in my life remembering that boy, these boys and their funny stories and
the quiet moments.
I'm a bit melancholy about time this week. My Grandfather's last surviving brother, Uncle Ace, passed away this week.That generation     is gone. We've had four death's in our family this year. It deserves acknowledging, that's a lot of grief.  And after I allow myself to dip into that pool of grief and loss, I know the antic dote is doing what I did tonight. A few clients talked of the older generation feeling left out of life this week. And I have as much compassion for their parents sense of loss, as I do for my clients' anger at feeling manipulated into feeling guilty about living their own lives and disappointing their parents. I also realized I still have over half my life left and there are days my body feels like it's 80. I'm 15 yrs away from being a grandma & my plan was to chase after those little buggers around and build forts in the family room again. I have plans to get my body working right again, I also plan to savor every minute, again, of my own boys, even if I'm the only one who remembers it.

Rain drops keep falling in my kitchen

I am an Aquarius. That's the only thing that makes sense to me when I have all the water issues I continually have in my homes. I don't know where it started, but as I place the bowls down on the towels in just the right spot to catch the newly fixed leaks in the kitchen I have major flashbacks. As I stated, these leaks have been fixed before, so when the rain stops & the roof dries we will go take a gander.
My worst water issue was a few years back when a house I owned sat unoccupied and unsold for months. After February break, I stopped by the house to check on it to find water inches deep on all but the top floor. The NEW furnace had shut off sometime while I was away and pipes froze then burst on two of the three floors. When the clean up was done, from the edge of the garage, you could clearly see the fireplace a floor up and on the other side of the house. Of course the kitchen, which could have used updating, was unharmed. I had to sell the house at a loss and insurance took 6 months before they gave me anything. I'm still looking for that plumber they said I could get for $55 an hour. Naturally the "professional cleaners" did not recover the parts of the furnace which would have proved a malfunction, cause they work for the insurance company.
I try not to think about.
In my new house, the leaking dishwasher was not noticed for weeks, as it leaked right under the the kitchen floor, and  but not down to the basement. I spent several hours with a crow bar and baseball bat removing the flooring to ready it for the new tiles my brother was putting down for me. I went up to take a long soak in the tub and came back to find the entire contents of the tub had emptied onto my kitchen counter. Apparently the Bath fitter guys didn't bother replacing the old rubber washer when they covered the old tub. Awesome.

It's December 1st. I was supposed to be making my Cranberry nut bread for the holidays. ARGHHH!! Momma said there'd be days like this.

OK ladies turn

Sorry, the holiday had me off track. To continue last weeks blog, let's talk about us girls.

You already know how we work. While we clean up the house, we start in the kitchen, as we are cleaning the counter, we notice Tommy left his baseball cap there. So we run it up to his room and put it on the dresser, close all the open drawers, make his bed, see his laundry is over flowing so we take it down to the laundry, start the load and notice no one cleaned up the mud  on the floor from the weekend so we go back to the kitchen to get the broom and see the dishes left in the sink that we were going to wash before we found that baseball cap. We wash the dishes and finish the counter when the washer is done, we head back to the laundry room, put the stuff in the dryer then remember we were going to sweep the floor from the weekend mud. Head back to the kitchen to get the broom and notice the magazines in the family room we had been promising ourselves we would go thru before we decorate for Christmas. We start to do through them, find a recipe we might like to try, rip it out and bring it to the kitchen and start looking for the ingredients. Oh yeah,we need to make that shopping list, looking for the pen & paper to start the list, go to the computer to check which store has the most of what you want on sale, realize you have not cleaned your computer screen in weeks, head back to the laundry room to get the screen cleaner, walk by the mud for the third time and vow to yourself you will go get that broom RIGHT now, but the dryer goes off and you want to fold  clothes before things get wrinkled...you get the picture. It's just how our brains work. One thing leads to another, in many a cross over pattern.

And no one knows better then our male significant others, while we hold his feet to the fire on a slight at the party last night, and bring up something that occurred over the summer while out on his friends boat. It makes perfect sense to us, cause as you see from the ball of yarn, it's all connected. Remember though, their brains are more like a chest of drawers, and to access what happened over the summer he has to head into the archives, and probably filed under "unpleasant stuff I do not want to recall". That file comes with automatic glue at the top.

Now, you & I know we are not crazy for making 6 month, 18 month, 32 year leaps in our complaints, cause it's all the same THEME...to us. To them , we are sooo confusing. We are as we are, going back to primitive brain, due to what the needs were for survival. While our he-man was out chasing down that zebra,  we "stood barefooted in my own front yard with a baby on my hip" ( ala Gretchen Wilson), tend the fire so we would not freeze at night, watched the older children, tended the garden and kept and eye out for the not so friendly saber-toothed tiger looking to make our young his snack. We HAD to multi-task for survival of the species, just as they HAD to be singularly focused for the same goal. These hard wirings are tough to break. Studies have shown men who are stay at home dads start to develop multi-tasking connections.* Please remember my original disclaimer of gross generalizations, however truthful.

Our option, as I see it, is to appreciate what each does for the good of the species and work very hard to be understanding of what we are dealing with,  you do not expect a bowling ball not to sink when you put it in water. and COMMUNICATE.

On a + note: I am very Thankful my oldest son spontaneously cleared off the tablecloth and PUT IT IN THE WASHING MACHINE WITHOUT BEING ASKED> yes I am yelling, if it weren't so cold, I'd be on a roof top.

On Men & Women- Men first

 It is sometimes hard for me to believe I have been a CT Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist for nearly 16 years. That sounds like a long time & I feel so young! LOL. Through out my professional career I have found a few ways to explain men & women to the couples in my practice. You dear reader, are getting some of my theories without a co-pay needed. Like a PSA, hopefully you will gain some useful information that assists you in finding peace in your everyday life. By the way, smoking cigarettes leads to cancer, don't do it.
I throw that one in with my kids whenever possible.
 So here goes : Men & Women
* Disclaimer gross generalizations, however truthful, are not meant to imply it is true for everyone.

God, in his infinite wisdom has a great plan for all of us. I consider it the original version of " Everybody Loves Raymond". We are created with completely different ways of processing information & emotions, we value different things, we problem solve differently, grieve differently, express ourselves differently, need different things, and yet, we need each other. The species will NOT continue without each other. It is the greatest exercise in stretching and growing a human being can have. Then he sits back & watches us struggle, and stretch, get frustrated and walk away, come back to it and try a different way. All in the name of survival of the human race. Beautifully really.

Lesson one: Men's brains are like a chest of drawer. When one drawer is open, that is the drawer they are currently involved in and dealing with. They may need to close that drawer in order to deal with another, except for when it comes to sex ( which is for the survival of the human race, there seems to be a potential for that in almost every drawer). Women find this incredibly frustrating until I use this description:

Way back when, when the survival of the family depended on the male to get the zebra, that was his single focus. If he noticed the pretty bouquet of wild flowers that Mrs Caveman would appreciate, he might loose sight of the zebra and therefore his family's food for the winter. Death. Therefore brains are hardwired for

singular focus. It's not that they don't want to help, they really DO NOT SEE IT.

Case in point:  Years ago,I took the air conditioner out of my bedroom window, but since I have a weak back, was only able to lay it down on the floor in front of the window. This space also happened to be right in front of my bathroom door. My male friend at the time walked over this 2 foot by 2 foot monstrosity several times, and got back in bed without offering to move it or anything! I was a bit perturbed by his lack of awareness, and I will admit, a bit snottily I said " Does anything in you think, "Hmm I wonder if Cathy wants that there?" He, ever so loving and gentle, propped himself up on one arm and said to me " I will carry that thing to the moon for you,  you only need to ask."

I may get jumped on for saying I am giving men a way out, a cop out perhaps. My experience both in and out of my office has been, men, real men, good men will help. If  only we ask. We need to help them open the drawer so they can help us with what we need. Women hate asking, we are used to being around other women and so much of that is about intuition. More on the females later. For now: ASK your man for what you want/need you may be surprised at what you need to thank him for.

The village needs a prayer

Madison is at 4 o'clock great smile

I guess this could mean a lot of different things. For now, most immediately, It is about my niece Madison, Maddy. She has some strange bacterial infection that landed her in the hospital yesterday and in surgery late last night. They are still working on finding the strain and getting her the correct antibiotic, and until then , we do what is one of the hardest things to do, we wait. And pray.
I am confident with Nanna & Poppop newly admited into Heaven that angels are surrounding the child. So I pray for my brother, and his sons, and Madison's mom. I pray for their patience and strength. Their sense of humor and sense of calm. Wisdom to advocate for their daughter in a health care system that can sometimes be motivated by efficiency instead of care.
We were all involved, as we Clearys are, when there is a crisis. The text messages activated and help given. till 11 last night and starting at 6:15 this morning. We were in touch, this is the season for staying in touch.
This is the time to lean back into those ties that connect us all and ask for prayers for my brother and his family.
Thank you

Side effects of riding in cars with boys

There was loads of advice when I was a new mom or even during my pregnancy,  Folic acid, stay away from the fish, be sure to allow people to help you when you get home form the hospital, it makes everyone feel good. My Gram offered "Eat chocolate. ( like I have to be told that) It will make you thirsty so you will drink more water and produce more milk" Gotta love my Grandma.  Or my personal fav from my Great Aunt Rita " Do not cross your legs when you are pregnant, the baby won't be able to breath" Love those Italian Women!

But no one, and I mean no one mentioned the loss of bladder control. I will admit I was a bit perturbed that peeing on yourself after the birth of your child was not in any of the " What to Expect" books. That it would be completely impossible to make it to the bathroom and get situated before my bladder let loose.  And that it would take weeks to return to a condition under which I dare leave the house, or ingest fluids. I had a sister-in-law that gave birth 6 weeks before I did that failed to mention it. But I had the backs of my other two sisters-in-law who gave birth 3 and 5 weeks after me. I told them. Someone should benefit from my lesson. My own Mom did not mention it! And she did this 6 times! I have since told every pregnant woman I see and to be certain I will not keep this information from my own daughters-in-laws.

So here I am, almost 16 years after learning that first vital lesson. And now I find myself older, having had 2 more children, & 16 years worth of gravitational pull. I am now as good as any of Pavlov's dogs. All I have to do is see a toilet, I am done. My body doesn't seem to care if my pants are on or off. Sitting is purely optional as well. All I need is the visual cue. God help me if I ever need to go to a plumbing supply store. I have taken to walking into the bathroom with my eyes shut until I am "ready".I don't even have to have the slightest awareness that I may need to take care of business in the next twenty minutes. I could have just TCB'd a few minutes earlier. It does not matter. Kegals be damned as well!  Good thing I work out of my house and my downstairs powder room doubles as the laundry room, that's all I am saying.

I know I am not alone, which is why I am saying this out loud. We are not alone, none of us. I have a friend who had her women's plumbing put in a sling, a hammock of sorts, to gently ride out the second half of her life with a little more support and a lot less leaking. I am thinking if they are making bladder hammocks, there is cause for it. Perhaps this too should be shared during that last prenatal visit, or the 6 week post delivery check-up. That there is hope. That there exists a sort of outdoor furniture that can be placed inside your body for comfort and ease. I'd have signed up right away, when I had insurance to cover it.

There's another well kept secret too, I recently found out about. When you are done having kids, and you know you are done. You can have a procedure that destroys the lining of your uterus and there by eliminating YOUR PERIOD. And it takes 90 seconds! 90 seconds- no period ever again! No pills- nothing! Amazing.

We should educated the sisterhood. Take out a billboard on I-84. Only no pictures of a toilet on it PLEASE! Anybody with me?

Strength of a woman

There's nothing like spending a weekend away with another mom to really appreciate all that we as moms do. A friend of mine sent me a song years ago by Shaggyhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mILsx_c-vXw&feature=artistob&playnext=1&list=TLLf4XEAZJZ8c, called Strength of a Woman. It's a great anthem. He's a good guy.

As Jane & I are busy trying to get whatever it is our kids hearts wanted for the holidays, including trips to similar stores repeated times to compare prices, on-line shopping, wrapping etc. we do it all, Jane mentions her son asking for just two things for Christmas, one of which was a diamond. She could have dismissed this obviously irrational wish, but no. She saw a large fake one at a store in her hometown that she was planning of getting for him, cause that's what we do, our hearts propel us toward what we think will make those we love happy.

The strength of a woman allows us to endure heartbreak and still love, entertain thoughts of running away ( as my mom often mentioned) and stick around to grocery shop another day. Be ready to strip a child from their most precious phone if one more rude remark comes out of his mouth, only to have my heart melt as I gazed upon that same child,who fell asleep at 7:45 last night, when I went to see if he had put his clothes away yet.

I have had the privilege of counseling women who have had to have the strength to bury their babies,or sister, or husband and get out of bed the next day.  The mother of a toddler who has the strength to endure cancer and divorce at the same time, and still find joy. Women who are so overwhelmed by life's demands, both real and perceived, that they are suffocating, and  yet fight their way back. One step at a time, with a little help from their red tent mates, to create a life where their needs matter as well.

It was Women's Weekend at Settler's Green in North Conway. We did not know this before hand, but saw groups of women, some in pink boas, some in devils horns, Purple feather hats, others tiaras.  We asked,it was a bit unusually so we asked, they were all symbolizing their red tent mates they brought with them to the Super Bowl for some women, Outlet Shopping. I thought about the purpose of our trip, and I am sure most of the other moms out there, and while only worrying about ourselves moment to moment was a treat, (Yes we did get matching sweaters for ourselves to wear too) we were there for others cause that's what we do. And for the most part, we do it gladly. We ask, we listen, we hold, we bury, we cry, we cook, we fix, we learn, we love, we set boundaries, we wrap, we bake, we decorate, we send the cards, we take care of the teachers, we hang the curtains.

As Jane's bumper sticker says " Moms Rock". Cause with the strength of a woman, that's what we do.

Public service reminder from the pit stop

Let's go over this again. When driving in the far left lane, otherwise known as the "passing lane" you should not have a clear lane in front of you to Canada. That means you have 100 cars behind you wanting you to move.
Going the speed limit in this lane is not "passing" speed up or move over.
If someone behind you flashes their lights. MOVE OVER.
If people are passing you on your right, you are going too slow, GET OUT OF THIS LANE!

That's all. I feel better. Having a great time learning about technology.
Have a good night!

Pit Stop

Occasionally I need a pit stop from riding in cars with my boys. The purpose of a pit stop is to refuel, check systems, a break from the race. A little talked about advantage of divorce is 2 weekends a month to spend however I would like. Honestly most are spent still on some field somewhere watching one of my athletes do their stuff. Sometimes though, it is truly about me. Like this one.

My marvelously, wonderful friend Jane & I are escaping to her New Hampshire hideaway to spend a girls weekend getting ready for the holidays. Jane is an amazing woman, you may have read about her as the mystery nurse who saved a child's life on a beach in Massachusetts by administering an Epi-pen. She casually mentioned her heroism as we were floating in the waters of Cancun several years ago on another pit stop. Thats Jane, national attention swept into her life for a brief period of time, then life goes on. I believe as a nurse, being exposed to the realities of the human condition in the most raw form, Jane has a certain acceptance and a lack of pretentiousness that is rare. And I treasure it.



Jane & I with too much forehead at the cape



Jane is the type of friend that I can count on for 100% honesty, crazy situations and hilarity. I actually refused to take her phone calls for a few days after a recent surgery because I knew she'd make me laugh and it would hurt too much. I can also count on her to keep me grounded. In telling her daughter why she would be missing her cheer competition this weekend due to our plans she told her." Life happens  and you need to make time to spend time with the people you care about and this is a traditions Cathy & I have done and want to carry on, and you will have other competitions I will see." I love her for that. She's also the second person, mom being first, to call me out on grammatical errors on this blog. She encourages me, challenges me, supports me and is a great example of juggling it all, successfully.



Take your pit stops, make sure you have an awesome pit crew, make time for the people you care about, including you.

.

the next step

I have a sophomore & 1/3. My mind has already started to think about his future, his options, what his best choices can be. I hear from friends with older kids college visits are important. I have a hard time believing going to a campus can truly give you a feel for the college, but ok. This is a far cry from my college experience.

I was all set to go to SCSU, rooming with a friend from high school, a handful of us were going. I remember getting the tuition bill, I believe it was $2700 for the semester. I had some money saved but turned it over to my parents. My mother walked in my bedroom a week before I was supposed to leave for school and said, " We have no money to send you." I had already tried grants, had received a scholarship from Catholic Women's Charities ( I don't even remember signing up to be considered for it), I was counting on my parents to take care of the rest. With the news that my plan was not going to happen ( for the life of me I do not know why no one suggested I get a student loan) I took my transcript, drove to WCSU and enrolled in class there. I worked as a waitress during the days and took classes in the afternoon and evenings. For a while I lived at home, then with roommates. I made the tuition payment and ate ramen noodles for a month or so at a time. It was work, and very little fun.

With God as my witness, this will not be my sons' college experience. ( Ala Scarlett O'Hara)
So Sunday we sat down at the computer and looked at the on-line programs designed to help sort through the seemingly endless possibilities of schools. My hope was to generate a list of maybe 20 solid options and work that list down to ten when it is time to apply. As I read through the list of potential majors he was instructed to write down anything he thought sounded interesting. When I was done, he had two things on his list out of the 75 I read. I asked him about it and he said " Mom I have no idea what half those words mean". I tried taking another approach. I forget sometimes how young 15 is.
City or country? Within driving distance or far away? What sports are important for you to be able to play? Bowling, darts? Beach or mountains? Big school or small? & A whole lot of " I don't know"s.

So I took another stab at it.We (I) randomly picked schools and pulled up a screen that matched his GPA with their requirements. He has a strong GPA so it looked like that was not our best option for whittling down the list. As we do not have the PSAT scores yet, we were just fishing really. I looked over at my son, who was now curled up in the fetal position on the ottoman he had be perched upon, and asked him what he thought. Ha Ha Ha poor kid. We have an appointment with his guidance counselor next week.
But my question, more experienced parents, is how do you do this?

Teetering

Is anyone else teetering out there? I find myself lately suspicious of how good things are going. I know it's wrong. I actually have a certificate in how that is not the place to be. I'm neither here, nor now, which is were the joy and gratitude are present. I am teetering. Cause things are good, really good. So why am I feeling bad?
The kids rocked the first marking period. I mean unprecedented ROCKED it! My practice has never been better. I am surrounded by amazing women in my "Rent Tent", Mom's good, brother's, wives & offspring all good. Check Check Check.. And we are headed into my most Favorite time of the year. and yet
There's this nagging feeling with the teens, it's a bit of "what you see today may not be here tomorrow". All three boys are down in the man cave, two working on homework without one ounce of prompting from me, the third, homework finished, just returned from some good old fashioned leaf jumping with his neighborhood friend. I should be all "Ahhhhh". I want to be all " Ahhhhh" and yet.

Nanna & Poppop with Alex

I am in mourning, I keep forgetting. My gram, the largest single source of love in my life, passed away in January. And I keep forgetting, it still hurts. I still miss her, I'm still sad. And it's okay. I was worried, ever so cognisant of what loosing her here on earth meant to me, that I would feel this vacuum of love just leave me. Thankfully I didn't. I do feel her love with me, and I am still sad. I had to go on, we all have to go on. Strange how life doesn't stop when you want it to or think it ought to. I go through my days, building the practice. having my life and every once in a while when everything should be a major celebration ( they really rocked the marking period and I did so well last month I am off my graph chart for my practice) I can't seem to get there. And I realize, I am still sad and it's ok.
I know what she would say. I heard her talking to me last night while I was at her house, covering the windows for my mother. She said " That's good enough, Kitten, sit down and rest now" I was always Good Enough for her. How lucky was I to have had someone send me that message always? How I pray I am doing the same for the boys.
So I teeter, they are doing great, but will it continue? Have I given them what they need to keep going? Have I taken good enough care of myself? How do you do it parents of teens, how do you balance and let go  and be there all atthe same time?
I think I am going to pour some wine now.

outside the box birthdays

Years ago I decided I was not going to give my kids Birthday presents. I gave birth, you are welcome. Instead I though having them experience something they have never done before would be far more interesting  and exciting for the whole family. So each year, three times a year sometimes all of us, sometimes just the birthday boy, does something new. It is a fun process coming up with ideas, some are simple, some costly, all hopefully adding the memory banks of their fun.

Most recently Nick, my middle, spent his 14th birthday adventure camping out in the field under the stars behind out house. With four of his bravest or craziest friends. It was a right of passage of sorts for him. He was proud to have made it. Some of Nick's choices have been to go to a skate park, on a hot air balloon ride, which we managed to do before school one fall morning, have videos put up on Utube, have a surprise party, again pulled off before school. His friends showed up at 7:15, we had pancakes and everyone was to school by 9, It was pretty cool. Nick's first one was pretty funny. He wanted to take a plane ride over our house, luckily this can be achieved pretty easily at Danbury Airport, poor Nick feel asleep for the entire 20 minute ride, but Alex & their dad enjoyed the trip.

Alex's desires took us to a NBA game, unfortunately during a blizzard, but it's all good. He has gone ice fishing, had a whipped cream pie fight, silly string fight. I look forward each year to what they decide.
Michael had his first Big Mac one year, had ice cream for breakfast, met friends for ice cream for lunch, and an ice cream cake for dinner another. We went to a Monster Truck rally, had a surprise party yet another.

All in all, these traditions of new experiences valued over a gift, it's a good thing. I am approaching my 45th. What to do what to do......

My Daughter

I didn't even know I was pregnant. Certainly with three boys under 5 I was too tired to remember giving birth, or caring for her in those precious early days. As with most later born children, I didn't make her a Creative Memories Album, as I did the boys, I actually do not have any pictures of her. But it is an indisputable fact that at some point in time a girl child joined our family. And as with any child that is not given enough positive attention, she was TROUBLE.
Any broken toy was her doing, spilt drink, toilet paper draped in the bathroom sink,  tumbled over plant, back door left open for the dog to escape, missing car keys, all her. She was very busy. Her name was called out by far more often then all three of the boys combined, her FULL name, so you know what that means. We tried to include her, she has a Christmas stocking hung with the rest of the family. But she continues to wreck havoc in the house.


See I didn't even get her a dog



Oh her name.: "Not Me". I'm not big on the two names as a first name thing, but it seemed to fit for her. Actually "Not Me Lucy " she was declared one Christmas season as her stocking, which was doomed to be filled only with coal, again, was hung at the chimney.



For all of her naughtiness, Not Me Lucy was a huge help when the kids were little as well. Her easily taking responsibility for any less than appropriate behavior cleared the emotional energy from "The Blame Game". ones of my boys' favorites, to "The Solution Strategy", my personal fav. A conversation would occur that went something like this, " Well I understand Not Me took out all the toys and threw them around the playroom, but since I can't seem to find that girl, I guess it is up to us to clean it up, how should we approach it?" Then we could all grumble about that Not Me Lucy and what an inconsiderate child she was for leaving us with such a mess, but be together in cleaning it up and in on the joke, with no hard feeling bouncing back and forth between us. The boys were always very willing to help fix what Not Me created, which was my goal all the time. The boys still talk about her, most often when her stocking comes out. I do believe they appreciate her taking the heat, even if they really had to make her mistake right.

There will always be something, someone, some giant Not Me out there creating a situation.  They are in our lives everyday, in adult form even. Still wrecking havoc, taking no responsibilty and leaving the mess for others to clean up.We can spend our time looking for whose stocking deserves the coal, or we can just roll up our sleeves and make it better.I think the later is much more fun.

My Red Tent

If you are a woman, The Red Tent by Anita Diamant is a must read. Just as " Are you there God, it's me Margaret?" spoke the universal language of girls confronted with their changing lives, The Red Tent speaks to our inner world, our strength , our sisterhood. It speaks to biblical times and the lives of women, how their own community provided support and strength when children were born or died, or due to a husband's betrayal. Women caring for women, much like we do today. It works.

I am fortunate enough to have many amazing women in my tent. Although biologically sister less, my sisters today provide comfort, strength, guidance and laughter ( and they never stole my favorite jeans in high school
or pulled my hair) I recently needed to activate my sister friends while I was in need. and without flinching, or eye rolling they were there, doing more than I had asked, naturally. Because that's what they do. I cannot thank them enough, but to be there in their tent when their time comes. And the time comes for all of us.

We are there for each other to comfort and console, to listen and laugh, to tell someone to put the big girl panties on, or to commiserate at the injustice of the system, the world, life. We love each other's kids, see the possibilities, motivate, encourage and cheer on. We bounce off ideas, situations, help with carpooling, medical advice, mirror advice, shopping. We bring meals, organize people, make things happen. That's what we do. We are women, we are life.

I am frequently faced with frustrated women in my practice who have not taken the time to develop their tent of women, who are angry at their husband's or boyfriends for not fulfilling the role. And we talk, cause that's what we women folk do, we talk about all the great things men do and who they are, and we talk about what they are not, namely, women. Their socialization process is very different from ours, and it serves as equally valuable a purpose, even if not convenient to our own.  So it is up to us to make sure we have women in our tent, and equally important that we are in, and useful in the tent of others.

I see it with my mom and her friends, most divorced or widowed, in the autumn of their lives. They makes plan to go to the city together, if someone is on an errand to an unfamiliar destination, she finds a side kick to go with her. They have monthly gatherings to check in and daily talks to weave the web of connection. I worry less about her because I know she has them, as I am sure my boys worry less about me because they know of my strong and stable network of amazing women who support me.

So thank you all, and you know who you are, for being there for me. For picking me up, for making me laugh, for feeding me and cleaning up around me, for caring for and about my boys. Thank you for your love.

54 days

Don't hate me because I love the Christmas season, and judging by my middle son's selection in music when he was told to turn " that rap crap off" he does too. I am proud my kids can sing along with Perry, Dean and Bing. Perhaps not life skills, but certainly happiness skills. So I found out on facebook this morning we have 54 days till the big day. Anyone who knows me knows there is no one big day. From Thanksgiving on I am all Christmas all the time, from having the house decorated by the time the weekend is over, to a tacky clock in the kitchen that chimes a different carole on the hour. We got rid of the house phone recently so there will be no more festive jingle announcing our lack of availability to get the phone, that's a bummer. My brother Sean and his family come up which has the house bustling with extra people and another playmate for my dogs. I love the bustle.  I have always just enjoyed my affinity for the holiday, but recently wondered why the feelings only crop up this time of year for me.

So it all got me thinking, am I this simply to get sucked into the  commercial machine that builds this month up? What's different really? Why am I so much more open to happiness and love, kindness to strangers and childlike wonder? Years past, the Christmases of my childhood were filled with family, and family stress, delight and disappointment. There was something special in having Mom all to myself to baked cookies with, or to be called upon to help with decorations my brothers barely cared about. Perhaps it was that attention that has me looking forward with fondness to the season.

Years ago I remember complaining with a fellow therapist friend of all the things on my to-do list before the holidays, Just the sheer overwhelming quantity of stuff to get done. She stopped me and said, "If you insert the word " want" where you are saying " have" how does that change it?" And it did I wanted to buy presents, I wanted to bake cookies, I wanted to get a great picture card of my boys. It changed things greatly. ( good to have therapist friends)

I have adopted that strategy ever since.Without my own real daughter ( two goddaughters and Not Me aside.)* more about her to come, I have tried hard to give my boys traditions they appreciate without too much effort into things that do not matter to them. Gone are the days when I bake a different  batch of cookies each night, I just picked up two boxes of Alex's favorite Peanut butter Blossom mix at Costco. Nick loves the music and my " Elves Themselves" collection. Last year he created a power point presentation parody for the family of a favorite Dixie Chicks Holiday Classic. Michael is always willing to help in the kitchen, long after the other two have given up on cookie cutters and flour. So I do hope I am giving them memories that will last, and holidays filled with joy and love.

In our twenties, my friend Jane & I used to get together and wrap present watching Holiday movies, Holiday Inn is my favorite, but Elf is a close second.  We stared this practice again last year and it is a great excuse to pause life and spend time with someone who means the world to you. Jane reminds me of this often, she is a great example.


So for me, the next 54 days, and hopefully some time after will be a little more upbeat, a little more warm, a little more kind, a little more Christmas.
"Let me be the first to wish you Merry Christmas this year."-Steve & Edie

MOATGAE

You may have wondered about my tag line. Well years ago when Neo-pets was a hot thing for my son's I was given a pet that Alex named MOATGAE. He said it stood for Mother of All Things Good and Evil. & that sounds both powerful and sad to me, as of course I do not like evil, yet from a child's view point, we are all powerful, and being sent to bed can feel like evil, I guess. So that's the name, sometimes, when " Mom" or " Cat" or " Cathy" or " Cat-dog" ( don't know where that came from, but I have a vague recollection of a disturbing children's cartoon with a tow headed animal by the same reference) I am referred to as Moatgae, I like Moatg myself.

Our job

Nature VS Nurture
By the time  my first son, Alex ,was born, I was a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 9 years experience working with families and children. I was still internally struggling with the Nature VS Nurture debate, but smugly leaning toward nurture. I worked in homes with children whose teeth were black and rotted out as they were growing in because they were given sweets to quiet them all day long.Young children who were out of control and disrespectful with parents distracted by their own needs to feel loved to bother providing the boundaries and guidance their offspring needed to feel safe and loved themselves. It was clear to me, with all the arrogant certainty of anyone who has never actually HAD a child can possess, that "it" was all in the nurture. A child would do thrive as long as they were given the "right" environment, simple, I thought.

I should mention I was pregnant at the same time as two of my sister-in-laws, so it was easy to have my own little N VS N case study. Our babies were born within a 5 week period of time.  We were different mom's in different situations, 2 of us had boys, 2 of us had Graduate degrees, one high school, 2 of us financially sound, one was living tight and going back to work after a few months off. I had quit drinking alcohol an entire year before I even got pregnant "preparing my self to be a vessel for life" was a common line I used at parties to ward off the wine. How I never had a beer thrown in my face is a testament to the good people in my life at the time. One was still smoking. One was very nervous, every article read meant a new potential disfigurement in her child or birth defect. I read everything I could find, was calm, excited and eager to meet my child.
I didn't even know I was in real labor when I went into the hospital, Alex was born 4 hours later.   A week early to boot!

And then my darling baby proceeded to cry and scream for the next    three    months    straight, stopping only to nurse, take cat naps or when I was driving him in the car. During that time a man was arrested for sticking a sock in his step son's mouth to stop him from crying, While I would never do anything like that, I completely understood the thought process. I understood loosing it. I went to the line. I got it. I thought things I never thought I'd think. I begged him to sleep. I cried, I bribed ( I 'm pretty sure one delusional 4 a.m. bout brought a negotiation involving a new car when he was 16). Too bad he didn't fall asleep, he's 16 in February. Colic is colic.

Meanwhile a few towns away I had a nephew who would sit in his swing for hours content to watch the birds or leaves out the window, and a niece one state over who would fall asleep while she simply sat on her mom's lap. Her mom had a lap, which means my sister-in-law could sit down, which means her child did not scream whenever she tried to sit down. I wondered what that was like.


Guess which one is Alex



Alex & I made it through and he taught me so much. And much to my satisfaction the remainder of his first year was spent with strangers approaching me in stores and on the street commenting on how happy he was. I learned what he needed and gave it to him. There was no formula for the "right" environment. Not one right environment. I learned  that our job as parents is to welcome our  child into the family, and make room for his or her own individual needs. Often times their needs makes us stretch and grow into more than who we are, and take us out of our box, challenge our fantasies. And we are the better for it. My mom used to say    " You don't go into their world, bring them into yours" I disagree, I believe you need to go to their world and understand your child's individual needs, even if it means you have to make compromises in your world. Children do not ask to be born. We decide to have them, the least we can do if figure out who they are and what they need and do our best to provide it.

Shooting Star

I saw a shooting star out of my bedroom window this morning. I know I have mentioned I have an awesome view out of that window, especially this time of year. So excited was I to see that shooting star that I did the first thing that came to mind. The Serenity Prayer. I guess I could have wished for a couple of things, that my children out live me with joy and good health, to win the lottery this evening, to be swept off my feet again,  (It's only happened 3 times in 44 years, I hear the average person falls in love 6 times over the course of a lifetime. I am due, come on lucky number 4) And I, perhaps lame-o that I am , jump right to the Serenity Prayer.
For those unfamiliar:
 God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

Short and sweet, that was my "wish upon a star"

Once we have the wisdom to know the difference, I find the rest falls into place. & I like mulling that part. What is important? What is my responsibility to change, what can I acknowledge I have no power over? What has to change? What can we live with, not what we don't want to live with? We all live with things we don't want to live with ( ie. Newtown property taxes) but somehow we manage to get comfortable in our  discomfort. I find, when I have moments of serenity, much of what I can allow myself to get anxious over falls away. When we know what to look for, other things become less important. And the really important stuff, like Nick asking us all to stay together last night to play with our Guiding Eyes Puppies, becomes apparent.

Alex W/ a Guiding Eyes Puppy

So my wish for you today, and Thank you again for reading, is too look for the love.

Between 5"10- 6"2' - stable job,emotionally stable, good sense of humor, must love kids& dogs, be affectionate, thoughtful and dance in the kitchen.:-)  - just kidding, but really if we all look it'll be easier.

No seriously, notice the love around you, did your kids Not kill each other over breakfast? That counts. Did your husband leave the seat down? There's another. Did someone call to ask you for help? Blessed be you that you are in a position to help another human being. Look for the love, it's there. Yes so are the problems, don't worry they won't go away if you are busy looking for love, so take the time anyway.  Change the things you can, accept what you cannot, this, I believe, is the path to peace.

And really , bald is fine, if he's handy around the house, that's a bonus- just saying.

Favorite Picture

So if you look to the right you will notice a new family picture. Well an old one, and my all time favorite. ( don't I look young?) My arms are full with Love and it shows on every one's face. This is the good stuff, the real stuff. Remember today while you are busy, we are all so busy, that all that really matters is what I have there in my arms, and you in yours, go get them, hug them.

To that end, I am not a proof reader. I apologize to those of you who are infinitely better at finding mistakes than I am , that I don't spend a lot of time on that. And I'm sorry but, I don't CARE.... My father was an 8th grade English teacher, please feel free to reread post of " What choice do we give them"  I failed 8th grade english. :-)
Ok so in therapy school they tell us that anything preceeded by a "but" is a lie. That's true, see above paragraph.

birth order laundry

2 friends+ a rain storm+ a slip & slide

The first few weeks of school are quite an adjustment for all of us, the kids are tired, overwhelmed and busy and I can be, frankly, bored. I miss them, I miss the bustle. I did the laundry with too much time on my hands. There are a few dangerous things about a woman with too much time on her hands, but this time it proved to be slightly amusing in a Reader's Digest kind of way.
First  born son's week worth of laundry consists of: 7 pairs of socks, 7 underwear, 7 shorts and 7 t-shirts, very organized, methodical, first child stuff.
My second born son's hamper contains shirts that I know he wore for 3 minutes, clothing from friends and neighbors , a bunch of miss matched socks, a few pair of underwear, some I am positive I did not purchase,
9 pair of shorts, and 2 sweatshirts he hasn't worn or hung up since last winter. Oh yeah, and some of the new school clothes with price tags still on them.
And my youngest son, 1 pair of underwear, 3 red shirts and 2 shorts. That's it.. I try not  to think about it.

On a serious side, birth order has great impact on all of us, how we partner up, parent, our expectations of ourselves and others. I encourage parents to read birth order books, Yes, they are generalizations, and yet so much of them pan out. I used to teach the Red Cross Babysitting Course when my boys were very young. I could, with about 90% accuracy, pick out the first born children and only children in the first 10 minutes of class. They are the ones, raising their hands, hushing the class, trying to engage with me.
I have had couples in my practice, and although they may be professional, working adults, in their relationship they both look to the other to make decisions.They get frustrated by the lack of direction, not realizing, as two last children, neither has had to take a lead. They can adjust and  quickly do, once they recognize the source of the misguided expectations. There are many variables that effect birth order, but basic knowledge of patterns can help people understand each other and ease the way for successful expectations and  more satisfying interactions.

Matt, my fourth

As I stated in my first post, I always wanted to have a house my kids were comfortable in, where their friends could hang-out. Growing up with 5 brothers there was always people around, and being that I was the only girl, my mom was generous about letting me have friends over frequently. We had Orly Ronan live with us for a year, when her family moved to New Jersey. Going from the only girl to sharing a 9 x 11 room with someone was a growth experience. My family had always "adopted" people. Several generations ago my Grandfather's cousin's came to live with him as children, as their parents could not care for them for a time. It's tradition.

So it is a natural extension that my house is usually busy. And I love it. I saw a home video recently that was 10 years old, pre-schoolers and early elementary kids jumping on my couches, standing and dancing on chairs. I remember my mother admonishing her grandkids exhuberant behavior with a " This is NOT Aunt Cathy's house" , when they spread their wings elsewhere. It's a house where kids can be kids, and nothing is too valueable that if you break it it really matters. We made the basement the "mancave" complete with a huge TV ( thanks Kevin) and a huge coach & small fridge ( thanks Tina). They are comfortable here. Not only do I get to enjoy my own boys interacting with their friends close up, I get to hear more about their lives.Once some of my sons' friends stopped by to grab a snack & go through my halloween costumes even though they knew my son wasn't home. They know the side door is open, and if you've been here more than once, you know just to come in. I want people to be comfortable here, so this leads me to Matt.



Matt, after his " Can a kid fit in a dryer "experiment- and yes he can



Matt is my son Nick's best friend and has become the  my first official unofficial-adopted child.  He calls me "Cat" or  "Cat-dog" don't remember where that's from. He has wonderful parents, and an older sister that he enjoys. But he & Nick seem to need each other,( Matt was away for a week after we were away for a week last summer. I thik it was the longest they had gone not seeing each other in years. This left Nick, grieving I think,  laying on the couch, watching old seasons of The Office so much that he talked only in Office quotes for several weeks) Frick & Frack my mom would say, I believe it's called a bro-mance today. So, he is here, a lot. The past two summers the boys were inseperable. He has come on vacation with us twice. He has been to family parties and took part in Cousin's Camp ( an annual tradition with the 16 grandkids) His presence is a given and in his absense he is missed. He is the seasoning to the oil and vinegar my children are without him here. All together, they make a nice combination. He pushes us all out of the box, we talk more to each other when Matt is around. He pitches in with chores, (he just set the table) he is helpful the way I hope my own kids are helpful when they are at someone else's house. He adds humor and laughter and feels like part of us. When his parents thank me for all the time he is here, or express concern that it is too much, I tell them, and I mean it, he makes us all better, together.

So thank you Stephanie & Laz for sharing your wonderful son with us. And Matt,  I hope this is good enough for you. I think the garbage in the basement needs to go out. I'd say " I love you like your one of my own", but you would say "eewww" and call me a "pedophile" so let's not go there.

What choice do we give them?

It is psychological and emotional task of a teenager to push away from the parents. To differentiate, to rebel, to be different from US. They drive us crazy,  make us wonder what happened to the wonderful, loving son or daughter we cared for. Who this alien is who is living with us, and just how early can we try to get them in for Early Admissions at college? That's exactly how it's supposed to be.

Generations ago this was easier, Pa wanted Johnny to stay on the farm and take over, Johnny wanted to go to the big city and to a place called college. Boom - rebellion. Mom wanted Sally to finish taking ballroom dance lessons  and learn how to sew, HELLOOOOO Elvis.  Boom-rebellion. Parents having ideas of what they want for their children start as soon as the rabbit died, or the little blue line appeared, if not sooner. This was good, this was right, this was as it should be. Somewhere along they way, and I think it may have been when the rebellion took the form of drugs and causal sex, topped off with the AIDS crisis, parents, some parents got this lame brain idea that all they wanted for their child was for the child to "be happy". 
I do believe this was born out of fear of what could be next after heroin, and HIV. A lot of bad ideas are born out of fear. Don't get me wrong. I want my boys to be happy.  More importantly, I want them to know what they need to do to take care of themselves so they can experience happiness. That means the ability to tolerate when life does not go your way, which is frequent. When what you want requires hard work and dedication, which is constant.And how to care for ones self when an actual trauma occurs in life, which is inevitable. And to know how to do the laundry and cook.
A friend of mine recently posted a facebook picture of her ex husband's new girlfriend's 14 yr old daughter, who shares a room every other weekend with her own 9 yr old. The girl was wearing a t-shirt with the word F*ck used in several grammatically incorrect ways, with a pretty smile on her face and a lip ring. My question is this: If this is ok, what will she have to do to rebel against her parent?We HAVE to give them something to rebel against. We have to say "NO" sometimes, We have to have expectations and rules and things that are not "ok".We cannot be afraid of them, if we are afraid of them, who is left to protect them?

A supervisor of mine, mother of 7 sons and 2 daughters. often told us stories. One of my favorite was how when her youngest was a teen, as the mom, she would find something benign to make a big deal out of , so her daughter could rebel safely. She blew a gasket whenever a comb or brush was brought into the kitchen. She could make a case for it, sanitation and all, but her underlying reasoning was to give her daughter a way to rebel without actually causing any harm or long term damage. The developmental task could be met, without the child becoming a social piranha, or harming herself..

I routinely monitor my kids facebook pages and in-box "Take it down" to anything inappropriate. They put it up there, (rebel), I reinforced the boundary,( parent). Think about it this way, if you help your child learn how to deal with the word "No" now,  when they go out into society and hear it often, as we all do, they will be better able to deal with it then, and therefore happier.
Now go out there & make your kid miserably today for a better tomorrow! :-)

Put your mask on first

She told me I looked great in everything, but bought herself nothing. She told me I could do anything, and then took over her boss' job at a fraction of the pay. She told me I was smart, strong and free, and she stayed trapped in an unhealthy relationship that not only damaged her, but her children as well. And as children do,  I followed her example of a woman's worth instead of absorbing her words as wishes for me. It took a crisis for me to learn this lesson.

"Put your mask on first", the flight attendant says, "before assisting others." As a young mother with three children on a flight I often smirked at this command. Like any woman in her right mind would make sure she was okay while her child struggled. And yet it is what we must do. In little ways, everyday.

But first, if you are like most women I know, you need to find out what "your mask" is.
 What brings you oxygen, life, joy?
What energizes you and makes it so you can return to your difficult and time consuming job of taking care of others?
Years ago, when I was training to be a therapist a speaker was brought in to a class for some comic relief, and to deliver a message. I always prefer my messages to be delivered with comic relief personally. I think they stick better. One of the things she told us was if we each made a list of ten things that nurtured us each day, and did them, we would never need therapy. My list has changed over the years as my life has changed, but I find I am in a better mood when I hit at least 8 out of my ten each day. They do not have to be big things, and they should be things you have some control over.

1. Look out the picture window in my bedroom, see the sunrise & thank God for it

Sunrise out that window-Room design- Linda Burhance
Paint- Adele Unger

2. Feel the softness of my pillowcases on my cheek

3. S-T-R-E-T-C-H

4. A mug of hot tea (several mugs, vats really)

5. Go for a walk

6. Talk to a few friends

7. Hug my boys *

8. Laugh out loud

9. Pet and baby talk my dogs

10. Do something from my to do list

11. Dance

12. Sing out loud

13. Connect with a family member

I have a few extra in case the weather doesn't cooperate with my sunrise or walking. I do these things everyday and they nourish me. Participating in these activities keeps me in the here & now. They keep me balance and available for those I love.

My mom did the best she could, and is now, possibly for the first time in her life, learning how to put her mask on first. I am grateful to her and proud to be her daughter. 

Now go, make your list of what nourishes you.  Then do them! :-)

Put your mask on first, so you can help your kids with theirs.

* By design, even with shared custody, there are only two days each month that I do not see them at some point during the day

And so it goes

The boys and I attended the memorial for my Great Uncle Seymour Brandman yesterday. Uncle Sey was married  to my Aunt Rita, my grandmother's baby sister and the youngest of the eleven children in my Grandmother's family. Since the time I was ten my childhood was marked by the passing of these family celebrities. At the time, naturally, I did not realize the significance of each passing. I was more aware of the new thing I was observing. Such as my Great Aunt Mary wailing " It should have been me",over and over at her younger sister's wake.  Aunt Josephine, who had passed, was 76 and the rumor ( My grandmother & her sister's told stories that sounded fascinating, or maybe they believed them) was the Aunt Joe died a virgin of cervical cancer, and of course the Doctor never needed to check there, since she was a virgin, so they did not catch the cancer soon enough. Maybe it was true. Something didn't sit right with my ten year old ears.
It seemed after Aunt Joe, another relative from that generation left us each year for a while. Until  there was Aunt Rita , Uncle Sey and my Grandparents left. I was so happy the couples had each other. Four people whose lives spanned 6 +decades together, their stories shared, their wisdom in common. The represented the Italian foundation of our family, and the inclusion of Uncle Sey's Jewish heritage left a mark of openness and against any bigotry, without even trying.
They were there, those four, celebrating our marriages and the births of our children. A rare things in this age of moving all over the country and the world, and relationship being cast aside. Our throw away society is going too far. There is a cost we aren't even aware we are paying. They supported each other, entertained each other, they were each other's people. They were my people. My children's people.
On the way down to the service Alex amazed me with his accurate description of Aunt Rita & Uncle Sey's house. Each room, what we did  in them how we would walk down to Silvermine Tavern and feed the ducks, climb the tree in her front yard, play pooh sticks. When I am an old lady I am going to have a tree kids can climb in my front yard. It has been years since we had been there.
First we lost Aunt Rita, far too soon for a woman who always had a kick in her step and never a gray hair. She claimed it was due to eating her vegetables as a child. Then on his 93rd birthday my Grandfather tidied up his life and gave one last wave. My grandmother left us on January 31st this year at 97 1/2 years old, at home as she wanted it. And now Uncle Sey, just short of his 90th birthday.

I knew Uncle Sey was a businessman, and Brandman Paint & Decorating Center was his, I knew he was a pilot and liked spending his winters in Florida. He was one of the few in the family who still referred to me as  "Cathy-Jo", after my Great Aunt Josephine.I can recall his familiar voice saying it as I write. I did not know Uncle Sey was in the Coast Guard Auxiliary, or that he was an integral part of the beginning Norwalk Oyster Fest. I found these things out at the service. We forget these people whose presence in our lives we take for granted do things before and after we visit them. They do interesting things. Talk to someone over 80. They have a life, they have seen things we will never see, they have done things we will never do. They are our precious roots. Care for them well. And to you four...I love you, I miss you and I'll be seeing you.