If you have nothing nice to say...

I've been quiet on here. I know. Funny stories are down, difficulties are up. I know, believe me, I am alive to bitch another day, ultimately it's a good thing. Nonetheless, I've been in a mood. For a while. Have done things I have never done before, not in a good exploratory way. No adventures except to the dark side.

I know where it's coming from, I know what it is all about. I wouldn't be a decent therapist if I couldn't;t do my own self discovery. I am not depressed, been there done that, for a number of years before I finally decided to get a divorce. This is different. But I am still crying a lot, well a lot for me. I save my crying for Kodak commercials, movies where children get hurt and the death of people I love. But now I am crying about 9/11, Lybia, Alex leaving, Alex being a jerk to me while he is here, my mistrust of financial institutions, my uncertainty of what else I want to do with my life, IFS training, DARC training, Montessori school training, Recreational Therapist certification??? I don't know! Nothing is popping out at me which leaves me sitting in uncertainty. Which is draining.

I realized today the last time I was this uncertain I found solace at the gym. Having someone tell me to do for an hour a day eased my mind, and I ended up a size four... So perhaps I do know my next step. and perhaps that step will lead me to the next. If not, I will at least feel a little more like I am giving gravity & mother nature a bit of a fight. Until then, I suggest if you see me, just nod & give me space, I'm not fun to be around.
I am not looking for sympathy. I am well aware it is only by going through these trying time that we appreciate the good, and learn & grow. It is only with the irritant of the sand that they oyster produces the pearl.

Momma said there'd be days like these

As Adele pointed out to me earlier in the week, some of my "problems" are not bad problems to have. Nonetheless they are mine, and this week has been especially riddled with them, starting with my 5th bout of Poison Ivy of the summer. My favorite season & my fauna enemy. I buckled this morning & called my DR for steriods, & pondered about how inexpensive this drug is. They really should mark this sucker up if they want to make some money. Between the asthmatics, poison ivy sufferers and gym rats I am seeing an untapped potential.  While this is annoying and tends to make me in a cruddy mood all week, I also dropped the ball, or didn't notice my youngest's struggle.

#3 & I spent 2 1/2 hours filling in his map of Europe on Labor Day, & what Labor it was. He complained " this is impossible" and putting 40 names into a map on standard paper in the appropriate places was very difficult, plus, he can't write legible at standard size let alone microscopic. It was pushing jello up a hill, and he was frustrated and angry and I was a bit grouchy myself. I haven't worked on homework with my kids since the house Alex & I made for Mr Ramsey's class in 7th grade fell to the floor as we walked in to school. But I was there walking him through it. Then Wednesday he came home needing to label and color another 8 1/2 by 11 piece of paper with Ancient Greek cities etc. Once again, he was frustrated and struggled & complained about how hard it was. I took over the writing so he would be able to read it later, but it was truly an act of tenaciousness. Then I went on power school and saw he was quizzed on the first map and did poorly. It dawned on me at that moment, he wasn't complaining, he was telling me. So I told the teacher, ( or reminded her again) about his 504 plan and if she wanted him to learn where these places were located he would & could, but to be required to do the fine motor skilled things he is required to do, well that was too much. She was great and we have a new plan going forward, but I dropped the ball & didn't listen to him. That 2 1/2 hours should never have happened.

Then my computer died, and one is already on life support.

Then I get daily pressure from my high schoolers (3) about getting iPhones because all their teachers will only be communicating via twitter, and morning announcements will also be tweets. Sure the school's website says in bold letters "you do not need a smart phone to follow our tweets", one suggestion they had was to go to a public library to look up the daily notices,~ yeah that's practical for a working family. My mortgage went up $10 a month, I didn't get a raise or anything, the town wants more, and wants to add pressure for me to spend another 1000 per year?
Clients adjusting to the new school schedule cancelled, the new computer is not staying connected to the network. #1 referred to me as a hag on day, not even able to process that yet. There was no malice in his tone, it was rather matter of fact. And to top it off I am pretty sure the three computer generated people I play Hearts with are actually friends because they seem to work together quite a bit. Although I did just shoot the moon on them ( take that Ramion, Latina & Jerguen!) So things are looking up. This too shall pass. and as Adele said, there are worse problems to have.

Hope you and yours are having a gentler itch free week!

That don't impress me much

A conversation I had with a teen aged client has made me reflect on my own cynicism, or lack of adoration. I will admit I never " got " the people who sent presents, or cards to celebrities they did not know, nor will ever know. The only fan club I was ever in was the "Trixie Belden Fan Club", a series of mystery books I loved in my pre-teen days. I think I received a monthly newsletter with puzzles and beauty tips in it. I liked getting mail. I still do. But celebrities, they don't impress me much.

This client, who talks about how he was shaking uncontrollable when he was hanging out with a rap star,( the name escapes me, a bunch of letters that don't sound like a real name if I recall correctly). I asked him , " Why? what about this stranger who you spent a few hours with, then both went on your merry way makes you nervous and giddy? "He turned the tables, teenagers are good at that.  He said,  you mean if Beyonce walked in here you would just be like " hey Beyonce". I said, " Well no, I would most likely not recognize her". I am sure I disappointed him. " Then I mentioned her small baby and wondered who was taking care of it, Blue, right? Is that a boys or a girl?

I was nervous once, of "big" people. I think I wrote about it, and my mother's great leveling tactic that made it easy to not see people as above or below me. Don't get me wrong, I was out of my skin when I met my babies, and every so often now an overpowering feeling occurs when I see them or we have a specifically poignant interaction. Or when on a date with someone I have a serious crush on, I can get giddy and girly. But not a celebrity.

I have a client who is a cardio-surgeon, he impresses me. Fire fighters, soldiers, National Guardsman, they impress me. The Duggars, that mom impresses me. She seems so calm and organized & I had once fantasized about home schooling my kids. Hats off to her, of whatever we see on camera ( I watch so little I don't even know her name tee-hee) Mom's who are at wits end. but hold it together impress me. Dad's who know the best thing to do for your children is love their mother ( that's love the verb), they impress me.

But I cannot work myself up to a swoon or shakes over a celebrity. I was next to a red carpet once, have grainy pictures of Henry Winkler, Chevy Chase and the girl from Lace, I was 21 and in Hollywood, not sure I swooned, it was much like going to the zoo. I think I need to figure out how to impress myself, maybe that is part of the problem. I'm gonna go work on that.