Eyes Wide Open

My heart is broken. Dumb ass #1 &#2 decided to be adolescent cliches. I thought they were better than that. I was wrong. I go away once per year with a friend for some pre holiday elfin goodness up in New Hampshire. We shop the outlets, decorate her house for the Holiday, have Christmas music playing & wrap everything in sight. We've been doing it for several years now. So we plan it on a weekend they are with their dad. #1 was assigned to take care of our dogs. he will be 18 in ten weeks, I thought is was something he could handle.

What I did not count on was the phone call at 1:20 am that the police were at my house, which was filled with 17 or so teenagers, and looking for someone who had knocked over a mailbox. I wasn't sure if it was about my mailbox, or why the police did not care about 17 kids being in MY HOUSE without adult supervision. They knew I was in New Hampshire, I am told.

#2 devised a plan to be unsupervised and do all the things unsupervised adolescents do. He had worked this up for a while ahead of time.

#1Stopped the car for the mailbox tackler, and brought his array of friends to also do the things unsupervised adolescents do. They did this without knowledge of each other intent I am told, and as evidenced by #1 dropped #2 off where he had lied to his father he was staying.

The mailbox can be fixed, the holes punched in my in my wall in the basement will be fixed. No charges will be filed in the days before the college acceptance emails come in, so WHEW.

Then there is the level of betrayal that is harder to fix, and the utter denial on the part of the parents that is mind blowing. I called every parent  whose number I could find, whose child was at my house, Univited by me, and unknown by me. I informed them of what I was aware of about what adoelscent activities had taken place. The younger parent sect, most of them, responded appropriately, and I have gotten , what I am sure were hand shaking phone calls from most of the kids to apologize for disrespecting  me  and  my home.  I give them credit for that and hope it was a growing experience. What they do to and with their bodies is between them & their parents. I did have one woman demand that I have FACTS ( about an event I was not present at) before she asked her son about his participation. I understand, coincidentally, the flu that had him throwing up in her fridge helped her change her mind. That was not a fact, it's what I heard.

What frightened me MORE was the lack of response from the parents of DRIVING teens. " Oh no, not my son" was the response from more than one. I got a " we don't have that in my house." from one mom. to which I responded , "It didn't happen at your house!". I had a 45 minute conversation with parents ( Jane said it sounded like I was doing therapy) who wanted to understand why I was so upset and wanted to know where the kids had gotten the " stuff:" from. They felt better to let it go and assume teens will be teens. I told them I was not interested in attending any child's funeral or sentencing hearing, so I was not comfortable with their stated philosphy that no matter what we do they will find away around it ~so do nothing.
I am aware a teens' job is to find a way around it,  I also believe our job is to make the OBSTACLE COURSE AS DIFFICULT AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.  Then after much deliberation with each other,  they told me of a few incidents this summer, but the kids were told not to do it again, so they felt like they had handled it. I nearly lost it. Jane sid she didn't hear a single " Jimminy Crickets," my choice swear word, out of me all weekend and actually while we were wrapping present I actually told her to put something in the F"ing Christmas bag". Point being I was as close to loosing it as I have ever been. My brother even called me several times as I was making the five hour drive back to CT to make sure I was safe because I was so upset.

We are NOT helping each other by pretending our kids aren't making bad choices and endangering their futures. We are NOT being the villiage I want to be in when we laugh at teenage hijinx. You know what mom always said " It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, or killed, or raped, or pregnant"  I am not keeping this quiet to avoid embarrassment. I have nothing to be embarrassed about, neither do you, unless you gave your child what they brought to my house. That would be a different conversation, and one better had with police and your own therapist. The only way to keep them safe is to be open with them and each other about what is going on.

 As anyone who reads this knows, I do a lot with and for my kids, & their friends. I place a lot of value on the preventative activities. And it still happened.

My children are being dealt with, it will be a long, difficult road. Their father & I will be right beside them for a while making sure they relearn the steps they are supposed to be taking, and reinforcing why the ones the took were not in their best interest. ( Sound ominous doesn't it?) What concerns me are the kids who also made really bad choices who will be out this Friday and Saturday night, repeating the behaviors from last weekend because their parents do not want to admit what their kids are up to.

Their is big talk over this damn mailbox., even the parents were hyperfocussed on that.  Forgive me, I understand tackling a mailbox ( dumbass~ you know who you are & I know you read my posts) is a federal offense. Mailboxes can get fixed in no time compared to the potential ramifications of babies, or drunk driving or drug dependency ( these are not facts, just here say). WAKE UP FOLKS! I know my eyes are wide open now.

I am angry, mindblowingly dissappointed ,sad & feel betrayed. My kids are on radio silence ( so stop texting them)  & lockdown indefinately. Gone are the days of Mrs Roche's chocolate chip pancakes on a Saturday morning, and " Sure you can have them over". Gone are the bring a friend with you trips to Cape Cod, or NYC or anywhere for that matter. And that really makes me sad. I like these kids, but I am not taking on anymore liability than I have to.

Most of the parents I have spoken to end the call by saying " they are good kids". I am not sure if they are Sure they are, good kids make bad choices, it's what it's all about, I am in what my friend  wise older therapist friend Betsy calls the " homocidal stage" still. I trust it will pass, at some point. A broken heart has jagged edges and my kids will be feeling those edges for sometime to come.

Don't hate me cause I'm into Christmas

I've been getting flack, from all different places. Some people who know me well know Christmas is a month long celebration in my house. I wish I could completely explain why I am happier, smiling more, dancing around the house & singing for the whole month of December. I can't explain it, but it ain't broken & I am not going to fix it. A good many of my presents are wrapped thanks to the first snow storm of the season ruining an entire evening of clients, I wrapped all of Adele's gifts also, cause I was going through withdrawal. Nick and I spent the day putting up Christmas lights yesterday. He was awesome! Never a moment of frustration or swearing at the Christmas lights. Several trips to the store to add more lights to our collection, listening to Christmas carols all the way. I could not get my other two to come out and admire. They complained " it's not even Thanksgiving!"  Comments on facebook were the same. But lets break this down folks.

Thanksgiving for ( most) women: Up early cooking, cooking cooking, setting a pretty table, cooking, back ache, timing things to come out so most things will be warm, over eating, clearing the table, cooking dessert,  cooking some more , eating dessert then cleaning ~& lots of that. More back ache.

For guys ( most) _ football food~ it's all good.

Since I am the former gender, I prefer to skip this particular holiday and concentrate on the fun , excitement and good mood I enjoy for the rest of holiday season. Maybe if I loved to cook I might feel differently. I prefer singing, wrapping presents, thinking about what will make someone surprised and happy.

Christmas Letter 2012

Imagine the writing inside this lovely background

                For Stacey,

Twas the weeks before Christmas and all through Facebook

“Hey I didn’t get a letter?!” was the posting ,   what a hook!

So out to the computer I flew like a flash

Opened up Microsoft word, 2012 to rehash

Perhaps embarrassed by good fortune the author delayed,

Puerto Rico, Costa Rica & Cape Cod she had stayed

One trip was all women friends celebrating a big 4 Oh,

Although with 50 around the corner, wondering where we will again go

College trips with #1, pressure and tension,

“I feel stress whenever I see you!,” was his exclamation

Luckily that is over, accepted already,

Waiting on a few more .  Marketing for #2 coming in steady.

All three boys are in high school, and will finally be a team

Basketball for the winter, happy they seem.

Business is booming, and changes perhaps coming

As long as referrals keeps my electricity humming

Alex is slowly returning from teen cavedom, as Michael descends

Oh well, it was fun While it lasted, these parenting  trends

 After all, our children aren’t ours

We just pay for their lessons, medical bills & cars

Michael is now fencing, Alex & Nick work

Scorekeeping at basketball, responsibilities not to shirk

Not much planned for the New Year

College decisions to make

Watching him go, I know, my heart , it will break

New adventures for Alex, & for us left behind

I may be crying in next year’s letter, hope you don’t  mind.

With gratitude & appreciation for your friendship and fun

Hoping your holiday season is a wonderful one!

Merry Christmas!

Firsts!

Okay, I'm gonna say it. It's weird I know but I had a first last week. While we were battening down the hatches, & I was arguing with my 17 year old that " NO, there will be no driving to a friends house in the midst of a hurricane, and OKay call me crazy! " . I had my very first, legend had preceded it, my very first, celebrated & nutty.. Hot Flash!

I was in the kitchen cooking something for someone ( how strange) and all of a sudden, I said to the waiting bellies in front of me, " Is anyone hot?". Now if you know me and have been at my house you know Heat does not happen here. My house is all electric so keep a sweatshirt on. But out of nowhere, I was HOT! When the teens all assured me they were comfortable and maybe a bit chilly ( put on another sweatshirt) , I was standing in the kitchen sweating. Beads of sweat on my forehead, no lie. & I laughed. My kids looked at me strangely, wondering out loud if I was crazy because they thought it was something women were upset about. I think, after knowing me for all these years, asked = answered. Anyway I don't know why I was thrilled in this moment. Perhaps it's just a matter of crossing the threshold into a club. I have heard many of my friends talk about Hot Flashes, & I can laugh with them at the stories of stripping down to their skivvies in moments, or being the one in the bed who is hot instead of running cold. But now I was a member. I had my own experience, well just one to date.. but in a week of being displaced, frustrated, cranky with the superintendent and ring leader of an out of town excursion with 4 teen aged boys, I was also connected to womanhood in all it's phases.

That is something to celebrate!

What is happening out there?

In the last two weeks three females, that we know of, have gone missing and were found dead. At the hands of males, and worse 2 of them were killed by teenagers. What are we doing wrong?
My stomach sickens at the thought of this. I guess we could easily assume we are dealing with sociopaths, it seems like a statistical anomaly to have that many in this short of a time. Is there something more?
What are the seeds of misogyny? How do we show the lack of value in human life time and time again such that these children, the ages of my children, can commit these mind crushing acts?

My 17 year old spent last night filling out his last college application , my 16 year old spent the better part of an hour working on his boy band Halloween costume for a party he is going to this weekend. The thought of them spending a moment of their lives extinguishing the life of another is unfathomable.
But these three teens, charged with, confessing to, their horrific crimes, were too once little boys who worked on the Halloween costumes, who picked flowers , dandelions, for their moms at one point in time. who watch their dad's across the dinner table. Where did they veer of course. I read the parents turned the boys in, kudos to them for taking that hard step. Were there other hard steps they have taken? Was it a relief to have their kids out of their homes? Why am I not hearing more public out cry that these are teenagers TEENAGERS! Killing little girls?

I have heard some feedback, " keep your kids inside", " they should not be allowed to ride their bikes". My own son has said he wished he was born at the time of life I was, when he father would take off with his friends for day long bikes rides 15 miles from his home, or my brothers & I would venture off into the woods behind our house until the street lights came on. I get the  " what" of what we are loosing. I do not get the " Why" and can somthing be done about it?

Will" going outside to play", be something my grandchildren see on old movies?

Mistakes were made, by me

I was playing a therapeutic game with a client the other day. He picked a card asking him to express the biggest mistake in his life. He's 9. As he pondered his " mistake" I was flooded with all MY mistakes and had to shake my head at trying to decipher the biggest one.

Clearly not thinking the physics thing through, leaving my 3 month old on a hammock while I planned to mow the lawn is up there. My stupidity hit me in time to turn around and see him slide onto the long, soft grass. That was one of the first ones that flooded my mind. No grass mowing for a while.
Then there are the car accidents, none severe, but moments of taking my eyes off the road, to reprimand a child, take a sip of a drink, could have been much worse.


After the session I spent some time thinking over my list. The above aside, most of my mistakes have come from succumbing to my fear instead of living large. The first house I lived in in Newtown was amazing, but after the divorce I was overwhelmed by the 36 entrances & exits on the first floor and being a single mom, so I moved. That's a regret. It had a prefect set up for my office, and a pool. Ah Well.

Holding on to people or things too long, allowing myself to get treated poorly or accept less than I deserve for fear of being alone, in both love and friendship.

Things I wish I had had the self control to hold my tongue instead of saying, but many more things I wish I had had the guts to say in the moment.

I see over and over life is full of choices, some of which will be mistakes. And at 46 sometimes I wish I didn't have to be the one making those choices, but I am, by choice and not mistake.

What I apparently need to learn, is live a little larger.
Oh my client, his was singing loudly the wrong words to a song. To be young again...

If you have nothing nice to say...

I've been quiet on here. I know. Funny stories are down, difficulties are up. I know, believe me, I am alive to bitch another day, ultimately it's a good thing. Nonetheless, I've been in a mood. For a while. Have done things I have never done before, not in a good exploratory way. No adventures except to the dark side.

I know where it's coming from, I know what it is all about. I wouldn't be a decent therapist if I couldn't;t do my own self discovery. I am not depressed, been there done that, for a number of years before I finally decided to get a divorce. This is different. But I am still crying a lot, well a lot for me. I save my crying for Kodak commercials, movies where children get hurt and the death of people I love. But now I am crying about 9/11, Lybia, Alex leaving, Alex being a jerk to me while he is here, my mistrust of financial institutions, my uncertainty of what else I want to do with my life, IFS training, DARC training, Montessori school training, Recreational Therapist certification??? I don't know! Nothing is popping out at me which leaves me sitting in uncertainty. Which is draining.

I realized today the last time I was this uncertain I found solace at the gym. Having someone tell me to do for an hour a day eased my mind, and I ended up a size four... So perhaps I do know my next step. and perhaps that step will lead me to the next. If not, I will at least feel a little more like I am giving gravity & mother nature a bit of a fight. Until then, I suggest if you see me, just nod & give me space, I'm not fun to be around.
I am not looking for sympathy. I am well aware it is only by going through these trying time that we appreciate the good, and learn & grow. It is only with the irritant of the sand that they oyster produces the pearl.

Momma said there'd be days like these

As Adele pointed out to me earlier in the week, some of my "problems" are not bad problems to have. Nonetheless they are mine, and this week has been especially riddled with them, starting with my 5th bout of Poison Ivy of the summer. My favorite season & my fauna enemy. I buckled this morning & called my DR for steriods, & pondered about how inexpensive this drug is. They really should mark this sucker up if they want to make some money. Between the asthmatics, poison ivy sufferers and gym rats I am seeing an untapped potential.  While this is annoying and tends to make me in a cruddy mood all week, I also dropped the ball, or didn't notice my youngest's struggle.

#3 & I spent 2 1/2 hours filling in his map of Europe on Labor Day, & what Labor it was. He complained " this is impossible" and putting 40 names into a map on standard paper in the appropriate places was very difficult, plus, he can't write legible at standard size let alone microscopic. It was pushing jello up a hill, and he was frustrated and angry and I was a bit grouchy myself. I haven't worked on homework with my kids since the house Alex & I made for Mr Ramsey's class in 7th grade fell to the floor as we walked in to school. But I was there walking him through it. Then Wednesday he came home needing to label and color another 8 1/2 by 11 piece of paper with Ancient Greek cities etc. Once again, he was frustrated and struggled & complained about how hard it was. I took over the writing so he would be able to read it later, but it was truly an act of tenaciousness. Then I went on power school and saw he was quizzed on the first map and did poorly. It dawned on me at that moment, he wasn't complaining, he was telling me. So I told the teacher, ( or reminded her again) about his 504 plan and if she wanted him to learn where these places were located he would & could, but to be required to do the fine motor skilled things he is required to do, well that was too much. She was great and we have a new plan going forward, but I dropped the ball & didn't listen to him. That 2 1/2 hours should never have happened.

Then my computer died, and one is already on life support.

Then I get daily pressure from my high schoolers (3) about getting iPhones because all their teachers will only be communicating via twitter, and morning announcements will also be tweets. Sure the school's website says in bold letters "you do not need a smart phone to follow our tweets", one suggestion they had was to go to a public library to look up the daily notices,~ yeah that's practical for a working family. My mortgage went up $10 a month, I didn't get a raise or anything, the town wants more, and wants to add pressure for me to spend another 1000 per year?
Clients adjusting to the new school schedule cancelled, the new computer is not staying connected to the network. #1 referred to me as a hag on day, not even able to process that yet. There was no malice in his tone, it was rather matter of fact. And to top it off I am pretty sure the three computer generated people I play Hearts with are actually friends because they seem to work together quite a bit. Although I did just shoot the moon on them ( take that Ramion, Latina & Jerguen!) So things are looking up. This too shall pass. and as Adele said, there are worse problems to have.

Hope you and yours are having a gentler itch free week!

That don't impress me much

A conversation I had with a teen aged client has made me reflect on my own cynicism, or lack of adoration. I will admit I never " got " the people who sent presents, or cards to celebrities they did not know, nor will ever know. The only fan club I was ever in was the "Trixie Belden Fan Club", a series of mystery books I loved in my pre-teen days. I think I received a monthly newsletter with puzzles and beauty tips in it. I liked getting mail. I still do. But celebrities, they don't impress me much.

This client, who talks about how he was shaking uncontrollable when he was hanging out with a rap star,( the name escapes me, a bunch of letters that don't sound like a real name if I recall correctly). I asked him , " Why? what about this stranger who you spent a few hours with, then both went on your merry way makes you nervous and giddy? "He turned the tables, teenagers are good at that.  He said,  you mean if Beyonce walked in here you would just be like " hey Beyonce". I said, " Well no, I would most likely not recognize her". I am sure I disappointed him. " Then I mentioned her small baby and wondered who was taking care of it, Blue, right? Is that a boys or a girl?

I was nervous once, of "big" people. I think I wrote about it, and my mother's great leveling tactic that made it easy to not see people as above or below me. Don't get me wrong, I was out of my skin when I met my babies, and every so often now an overpowering feeling occurs when I see them or we have a specifically poignant interaction. Or when on a date with someone I have a serious crush on, I can get giddy and girly. But not a celebrity.

I have a client who is a cardio-surgeon, he impresses me. Fire fighters, soldiers, National Guardsman, they impress me. The Duggars, that mom impresses me. She seems so calm and organized & I had once fantasized about home schooling my kids. Hats off to her, of whatever we see on camera ( I watch so little I don't even know her name tee-hee) Mom's who are at wits end. but hold it together impress me. Dad's who know the best thing to do for your children is love their mother ( that's love the verb), they impress me.

But I cannot work myself up to a swoon or shakes over a celebrity. I was next to a red carpet once, have grainy pictures of Henry Winkler, Chevy Chase and the girl from Lace, I was 21 and in Hollywood, not sure I swooned, it was much like going to the zoo. I think I need to figure out how to impress myself, maybe that is part of the problem. I'm gonna go work on that.

Negotiating Freedom

I had the pleasure of the company of my 17 year old for 26 hours a few days ago. We went on an overnight ride down to look at a few colleges in VA. I also had the pleasure of once again getting a parental evaluation from him. Aside from being banned from all sporting events that he plays in for over a year, and the prerequisite " you don't get it mom" that I hear weekly, this time I was criticized for sheltering them too much.  This from a young man who leaves home on a Friday morning, and unless he has a lot of homework, I generally don't see him til dinner on Sunday as he hops around with his friends.

He was comparing our family with his friends,and granted the fact that both myself and his father own our own businesses gives us better flexibility than most people. I work my schedule around what they need, and certainly being divorced, I do my socializing when the kids are with their dad, and I suspect he does the same. So when they are with either of us, we are generally there ( apparently that is specifically annoying) He surmised that the kids whose parents are less available will be better able to adjust to real life. He suggested I do too much for them. okay, I'm game.

I asked if he was ready to start doing his own laundry. To which he replied, " Mom, I have 5 AP classes this year. With working out and homework , how can I do that?" I said, " Okay I would rather you focus on school work anyway." Then I threw out another idea." How about you wake yourself up in the morning, make your own breakfast & lunch so I can work out first thing."  " NO, not that" ,he says,"I have to get up soo early and there's no way I can be that organized first thing in the morning." "Oh, okay sooo you want me to back off, but do everything for you?" " I can make my own lunch on the weekends, " he offers.
 I have to admit, I do worry about him, a year from now , without me to point out you may have to move the milk to find they ketchup in the fridge, or to put down the lid of the washing machine if you want it to clean our clothes. Luckily it seems these colleges hold their hands in some ways, sounds like the food choices are plentiful, he will find the gym immediately, and there are advisers available. yeah he will be okay. Even after being ruined by an over-protective parent like me.

Lessons from mother nature

Check out this great MSN video - Bear Cubs Rescued From Dumpster

I will admit, may have already admitted this, when the boys were babies, I watched animal planet a lot. I figured they have been doing this parenting thing for a long time without the need for prescription meds, therapists, and a juvenile court system. So, I turned in and paid attention.

Certainly three boys can appear like bear cubs. My family room cushions were on the floor more than they were on the couches, clothing was optional a good deal of the time, affectionate wrestling , warrior yells and pretending were all common occurrences. I think, for the most part, so far Mother Nature was a good mentor.
So I watched this video, and was reminded of some of the basic tenets I  embarrassed when they were small. Don't do things for them they can do for themselves. Sometimes you have to stand nearby pacing and watch them struggle. Help can come from unexpected places, be open to it. Never turn your back on danger. As soon as the strongest is safe, start leading again, your movement will send a message to the weaker ones that you expect they can handle it. Trust that deep down inside, despite their adolescent stubbornness, they know they should follow you because you are wise, you are strong , you are the momma bear.

Alex had his senior pictures yesterday. I cried ( not a big cry, teary that's all), he said " Stop it". :-)

She keeps teaching

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."` Emerson This poem was used as part of the eulogy for my Supervisor Jane Lobdell. You would have thought it was written about her. I aspire to have it be true about me as well. Thank you Jane for guiding me, even after you've passed.

The tough job of being an adult

*I wrote this in the week leading up to the last game, a game they played hard but ultimately did not win. That fact does not change the points in this, what is likely to be, an unpopular post.

Decisions decisions. So much of parenting is about decisions making, Breast or bottle?, time outs or distraction? pre-school? Montessori? Force them to wear hats & gloves or let them learn what cold feels like?
I made my life somewhat easier in that the boys mostly make my decisions for me, by their behavior. Early on I realized the power of natural consequences, and luckily for all of us, they do their homework, chores, get the good grades, so I rarely have to say "No " to anything.
Now I am faced with a decision I resent having to make. My 8th graders' football team is doing really well. One win away from being invited to the National Championships in Florida. Kudos to them, they work hard. And this is my problem, what adult or group of adults felt that 8th graders NEED a National Championship? What group of football lovers thought 13 year old's time is better spent, out of school, playing football, at great  financial expense to the adults in their lives? And for what? An Uncle Rico moment of reliving what they had when they were 13?
These boys, from Newtown CT, are most likely NOT going to the NFL. We have some talented players, don't get me wrong. I am sure more than one football scholarship is in the making on this team. But is this extravagance necessary? Can't we have 50 state winners? Where has youth sports lost all perspective?
My son is not one of scholarship eligible, but I am confident I would feel the same if he got in more than his 4-6 plays a game. It's football- not brain surgery. I hate that some group of adults have made a decision that forces me to make a decision of having him participate in something I do not believe in.
I grew up with football. All 5 of my brothers played for all or most of their childhood & high school years. Heck, I was the mascot for my high school team when I was a senior. I understand the game, I enjoy watching it. My brother, a former football star in his own right, also thinks youth sports has lost all perspective, feels my son should go, even though he is likely to get in only 8 plays, because he is part of a team.
I won't go, I cannot lose a weeks worth of clients in between Thanksgiving and the Christmas holiday. But that doesn't mean he can't go, his dad may take him, or he can be sent with another family on the team, both of which makes me feel like crap. Certainly to fly down for the final game is cost prohibitive and ridiculous. Why do we adults do this to each other & to our children?
I am assured it will be fun. I am a big lover of the fun. Aargh.....
Why do we amp up the ridiculous? I remember hearing a dad justifying travel baseball, where you have to spend weekends at hotels, as necessary for the kids to learn how to travel. Are you kidding me? And what is the effect on the child? I get complaints all the time from parents that kids "these days" have no perspective. Well gee, when  athletically blessed kids get to take a week off of school to stay in hotels to play a few games, what can we expect of them?
To make matters worse, an elaborate plan of basically begging for money at churches and companies was quickly being put into play,(if we won). I was embarassed that it was being asked of the kids. There are families out of work, for years, families in need of food , heat, clothes,the Holidays are coming and we are going to set out 35 boys at ask for support so they can go on a trip to Florida, to play football ? Really? And the KIDS have lost perspective?

These M & M's aren't good for you either 

So I understand I am "old", and just like parents of the 50's were concerned about Elvis and his gyrating pelvis, I have concern about my children and what they listen to. I played Raffi, and classical music in the background while they were growing up. When we wanted to rock out, the Wiggles were there for us to dance party to. "Hip Hop Noel" was a favorite from Disney at the holidays.

I have not liked, but have tolerated, to a point( three swear words and the son must be changed, sometimes we don't make it thru the first stanza) my very white, a little preppy, health conscious and academically responsible boys' affinity for Hip Hop & Rap. I even went so far as to take one of them & their friends to a concert. But what I heard yesterday just threw me over the edge. It did.

When the boys were young we often sang the duet of  Carly Simon & James Taylors' " Mocking Bird" when I was putting them to bed. It was fun, and a good memory. Some nights when we had more time we played a game where they would throw out a word and I would sing a song that had that word in it. That was pretty cool as well. Until, well #2, always a precocious child,one night he threw out  "Testicles" ( we were anatomy appropriate in my house no "gaslapogus", or "vajay jee" for us)  & I had to admit defeat. I knew of no song, nor did I ever care to know of a song, that contained the word testicles. it's not melodic

So we are driving yesterday and he puts on his rap crap and I hear the word "vagina"  in a song, yep, "Vagina"  Are you kidding me? There are not enough words in the English language to use we now have to use basic anatomy words for songs? Are we singing about ovaries yet? How about a pancreas?

What gets me more then this, is what does the future hold? The sexual innuendos of my youth : "Afternoon Delight" prove too cryptically challenging to figure out for today's youth? They have to have it spelled  out with directions of what to put where and details on how things work? What sounds to anticipate and where to leave your number as you leave? Am I being old?

And most importantly, What the heck are my grandchildren going to listen to?

Things you can count on

So I had a rare opportunity of spending some time with Bev Jean tonight. Michael was " graduating", I use the term loosely, from 8th grade. And true to my word, I would go if he wanted to go. As mom & I are heading over to the campus, she confidently tells me this is the month I will meet " Someone". You know the "someone" the friends & family of a single person hope for for the single person. And the "Someone" a single person hopes will be funny, and love their kids and be a good guy, a really good guy. So Mom said I will meet this someone in an unusual place, and she encouraged me to go to the Unitarian Church I have been talking about checking out. I said, " Cool" and got to preoccupied with her heavy breathing and holding up people behind us while walking to the ceremony, to worry more about men in unusual places.

While in the ceremony Mom was comparing it to my niece's ceremony that she had attended last week. She commented on what I should do the " next" time I attend an 8th grade graduation. I reminded her that this was my last child. She smiled at me and said, " you never know, you might get your girl". I am sure my face was a bit screwed up at that suggestion. I reminded her (I seem to remind her of things a lot), that I am 46 and my child bearing years were probably behind me, despite of my heart's willingness. I did a quick calculation, I don;t want to be 66 at a graduation. She just smiled and said" You never know".

As we were leaving the ceremony I allowed my curiosity over my mother's confident assertions to
be voice. My mom spends a good deal of time talking to relatives who have passed, & wrapping my kids, and I am sure myself, in Angels, and she's a daily parishioner at ST Greg's, so I thought maybe there was some divine communication she was operating off of. So I said, " Mom, where are you getting this information about me meeting someone from?"  " TV Guide" is her response.

" TV Guide horoscope" She cautioned me it wasn't in effect until the 22nd.  I laughed, come on you would laugh too!

Then I thought about it. TV Guide does accurately predict what is on TV 24 hours a day 7 days a week, maybe it's as good as any. Or maybe the confidence, if you can call it that, from her confidence, will project to the universe and Voila!  He will be here.....Of course, you will be the first to know! After TV Guide that is.

Bitterness Warning HIGH!!! Don't read if you can't handle honesty

So many years ago, when I was in a better financial situation than today, someone who I have been friends with since early childhood was in a very tough spot. She was faced with loosing her home to foreclosure. Against my attorney's suggestion, I loaned her over 20K, yep, 20K. It kept her kids in their home, and she promised to pay it back within 3 years.

5 years later, she had a new car, new carpeting, a running pool , an entire new wardrobe and new furniture, actively donated to causes that gave her good exposure and I had nothing. I had heard rumors from other people that she was shady when it came to money, stories of stiffed carpet companies, and questions about her integrity in caring for a family member. But I lead with the heart and I believed her when she talked about how important our friendship was.
My friends were furious at me for being a patsy. I made as many excuses for her as she did at  times. While she took her kids out for dinner, bought ball gowns, sent out the Christmas photo cards each year, she gave me zip. She started paying, a little , sometimes, when she felt like it. But by then I had had enough. I needed to look at the patterns of picking people who were abusive, and not speaking up until the relationship was too far gone. I had to severe all ties to get any kind of regular payment, and even that, after having the numbers run, was equating to $15 per month off of principle.
God do I feel like an idiot.

Fast forward a year, roughly  $170 from the original loan has been payed back. Her current arrangement ( that she is willing to do) is $35 per week, except when it doesn't come in each week. Like it hasn't for the past 5 weeks. She is full of excuses and not "understanding" how it keeps happening. I don't know, but she was the person who turned me on to on-line banking 8 years ago. I have never had the type of issues she has been having with her bank. Oh yeah, except it's my bank too, sooooo

So tonight, after once again getting no money from her, when she texted me that she ran into my children out having dinner, and I didn't take well to her complimenting how good they look, ( I need money from her, not her opinion of my children's good looks) I was told I was "bitter."

I'm working two jobs & on weekends because she has not paid me back, yeah I am bitter. If I had that money, I would not be bitter. I would not ever be friends with her again, as she is unscrupulous, selfish, dishonest and lacks integrity. Oh but she doesn't want me questioning her decisions, or lack of commitment to repaying the loan,  that kind of stuff cause it makes her feel bad.
The last thing you want to do to a person who takes advantage of a friendship, and does not honor their responsibilities is make them feel bad about themselves.
Yes it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth:
So I googled it :
A lack of, or change in, taste often occurs when something interferes with the normal taste process.

THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. THE NORMAL PROCESS WOULD HAVE BEEN TO HONOR THE GIFT I GAVE AND PAY IT BACK IN TIME AND FORGO PERSONAL WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
The wonderful woman I wrote about it my last blog once said "No good deed goes unpunished" How right she was.

There's another star in the sky tonight

One of the ten most important women in my life passed away. She suffered for a long time, and lived a long full life, yet I ache.

I was told about her before I met her. I was told, " If you want to be a great therapist, you go to Southern." Tales of the tough, no nonsense program director spread like any good gossip, and created a charged atmosphere that I am pretty sure she enjoyed. I was 22 when I went for the interview, with her grad assistant, not with her, but she had to maneuver around the chair near the grad assistant's desk where I was. After the third maneuver, she looked at me and said, "You are in my way!" I was shocked, (it was their set up) and amused, and scared. I am pretty sure I spent the next four years, as my respect and admiration for her grew, vacillating between those emotions.
 Barbara sparkled. When she was pleased or excited, like if someone replenished the fireballs, she sparkled. When you "got" a concept you had struggled with, she sparkled, or she walked away to let you absorb it without your ego needing her admiration.

She challenged me, she spoke the truth. She supported me. She showed me options I did not know existed. She taught me a math game to help keep minds sharp, and was hers ever! She was funny. She delighted me with stories of child rearing, I felt like I had a glimpse of Divine getting to listen to her. She cared about people, and worked for the children, and the children's children.

I remember after one of my last one way mirror sessions ( I'm the therapist with the couple on one side, a group of students & Barbara on the other), we would follow up with brief supervision meetings. I was nervous, as I always was with Barbara behind the one way, she could require you to justify why you did anything you did in session. She walked away & said, " I have nothing to say." I was confused, oh yeah, I spent a good deal of time confused, just one of many spots on the road to growth. Pats on the back were not handed out, but not needing to go over a session, that was about as good as it got, (I was told by a more experienced student.) I had spent four years challenged, confronted, supported and respected. & I had the time of my life.
After I graduated, I was able  to have Barbara continue to supervise me. It was such a blessing. She was this first person I told I was pregnant, and the one I told about my ambivalence of being pregnant.  She responded," I expect nothing but complete honesty from you, you are incapable of anything else. Most women would not want to admit that." And after 28 years of being told I was supposed to be " Nice" Barbara, indirectly,  helped me find my inner bitch, and assured me every woman should have control over hers as a very necessary part of oneself. She met my boys, I know they will never remember, I wanted her to see them. And them to be near the woman who made me a better mother than I could have ever hoped to be without knowing her.
After I stopped working I kept in touch via Christmas cards & emails. And a yearly thank you note I would send after I attended yet another conference that taught me just how much she already taught me. She was always there when I needed words of wisdom, support or  a reality check. She seemed to always be there at challenging times of my life. She read a tribute I wrote about my grandmother after she passed away, and said, she can only hope someone would have such wonderful things to say about her at her time. I can't hope to effect the thousand's of people Barbara's life effected, but I will try for hundreds, in her honor.
And last Thursday, when my 8 am client said about a challenging conversation, " & I heard your voice in my head". I smile knowingly. I am blessed to have Barbara's voice in my head, I hope to have a spec of her wisdom in my brain, and a portion of her ability to love in my heart. And when I am feeling a little sloppy as therapist, I pretend I have to justify my every move to her, and she makes me a better person.

Calling Red Tenters

I know a lot of you read this, but don't follow it or comment on it. Good thing there is a counter & I know close to 8000 reader's have checked out what I write. My brother's would assume I keep reading myself over & over again to drive up the numbers. But I know you are out there, so I  am looking for help, and it was too much to put in a comment on Facebook.
A dear friend of mine, after 18 years of raising her son, told me , upon the moment of release at college, "I had nothing, 18 years of raising him; this is the moment, sending him off to the world, & I was blank. So I hugged him and said, "Be good". " BE GOOD! that's all I could come up with. Then I cried the whole way home."
Ice ran through my veins. I've already imagined Nick driving and Michael keeping me in constant supply of puffs as we drive back from the drop off, but I hadn't considered the " MOMENT". I don't have a lot of Momisms for the kids to live by. There's not gonna be " My momma always said.." except for a favorite spanish idiom that the kids swear does not mean what I told them it meant. " Aunque le mone se vista de seda, mona se queda". It is a huge stress reliever when said with real emotion, even if it means nothing.
I decided I am going to prepare. I am going to give that highly charged emotional moment its proper due.So I am going to thank him for the ride. And I have decided there's not just one comment I can leave him with, so I am making a full calendar for him. If your mom or dad gave you a gem of wisdom, please leave the comment for me, I plan on filling everyday in his freshman year.

Jane's been sending me some. Please add your thoughts!

WWYD?

So this whole it takes a village thing. I love it, I believe in it, and I am wondering to what extent it goes. What would you do?

One of my son's friends was given alcohol, which he showed to my son. OK, I am going light , he brought it, with my son's permission, over. Luckily they decided not to partake & were discovered, cause my kids are pretty bad at being bad. His father & I handled our son, and after my encouragement, his father made sure the other family was made aware of their child's actions. I would want to know.

Dear Newtownians,
     If you see any of the Roche children step over the line, feel free to both reprimand them,  & then PLEASE call me.

Thanks,
Cathy

But what about the older teen who gave my son's friend the alcohol. I want that name. I want his/her parents to know. I want to assume, they would want to know that their kid gave alcohol to a 14 year old.
My son's friend is clammed up, but he'll want to come over sooner or later and he will have to look me in the eye, I'm thinking I can get it out of him, but should I?

If I don't I feel like I am part of the turn your head & look the other way society. If I do.....I risk being seen as an even worse "that Mom" than the kids already see me as. & rippled social effects on my kids.

Thoughts???
Sorry no pictures, not feel it tonight.

Wonders of the world

 I had to go all the way to Puerto Rico to get back into my blog. For some reason in CT I have been locked out.. I apparently had to go all the way to Puerto Rico to see Nick willingly read a book, Alex cuddle Michael, and some other wonders of the world!

This has simply been one of the best vacations of my life. Except for the sibling rivalry which apparently came with our carry-ons, and started on the the plane when #3 did not get the window seat he wanted. & #1&#2 thought he was fair game to use as their joint pillow. Luckily my ditziness tends to keep their focus elsewhere ( like their own personal safety) most of the time. This trip started with me misplacing my car keys in the JFK parking lot at 4:30 in the morning. We dumped every bag I handled in order to find them. Which made us late, way late like, as the nice flight attendant said to me as I ran onto the place " You almost lost your seat", I glanced back to a family of four eying me like hyenas at the watering hole. The door shut behind my rushing ass. not a good sign.
But we got here and packed so much into a week. When my kids were little I was discouraged that they did not enjoy the beach as I did, well, no longer true. Yeah! And we hiked ( and they didn't complain) 45 minutes straight up ( and they didn't complain) and they saved Michael from non fatal or potential drowning, yet they reached out their arms to him, and that counts as something. And we Zip lined, and saw Flamenco dancers, we did not died in a car accident, which is nothing short of a miracle they way these people drive.
We kayaked, in the dark, with only glow bracelets showing the way, under trees with thick branches jutting out, and we didn't kill each other. And my kids saw family dynamics first hand in our fellow passengers, and had thoughful comments " Why would you spend the money to do something like this drunk out of your head? What a waste of money, they won't even remember it!"
And the stoic Alex talked a lot, and smile, and sang & for a little while I had my boy back, before school takes him away, and then college really takes him away. & they walked with their arms around me, and we had conversations about politics and morals, and health & sexuality ( & once again I am saying Newtown School system, you give them too much information when they are too young to process it!, by virtue of the conversation he had at dinner the other night.)
And then there was the best line of the week, as I missed the exit to our hotel and was struggling to find our way back. Nick says" Oh I recognize this place!" " You do? I ask, hopefully. " Yeah," he says, " it's called Lost, we've been here a thousand times before."
And while I missed my friends and was at times frustrated with the boys, I am sure when I am away with my friends in a few weeks, I will wish my boys were with me again.

Still waters run deep

So I do at times poke fun at #1 son on here. He is the least talkative of my children. Observes more than engages. At times comes off as awkward even with people he knows well, or at least for a long time. Plus he has that missing connections thing. Like when he asked me if we had a skillet or cutting board before making his Culinary project for school. I know I am not a "cook" but I do have to cook, and he has eaten what has been made in the skillet and on the cutting board.The kitchen is right here in the open, not behind some closed door. I would expect him not to know if I had facial moisturizer, although he does know I have that.  We, the other three of us who get the obvious, exchange knowing looks, and wonder about his independence at college.
And then, and then out of know where he says something that lets me know, in that head of his, he is paying attention. He is putting things together. He is going to be OK, and I am relieved.
#3 was having some issues at school. The regular who is "in" and who is "out" stuff everyone ages 11-14 painfully deals with. I of course ( internally) respond most inappropriately wanting to coddle my baby, and physically harm those who have scorned him. ( It is all internal folks. trust me)  Externally I have him list ALL the kids he likes, not just the 6 who turned their backs on him this week, and he hopefully sees the world is bigger than these boys, this school, this town etc...But inside I still hurt for for him.
I also, being a systems therapist, look at how he is treated by his big brothers and see how being left out is a position he has become accustom to, and is perhaps unknowingly recreating for himself, but I digress. In talking to #1 about the current issue and asking him about his own experiences he simply says, " He ( #3) is telling himself he is not as good as them just because they did this. You have to choose your own attitude."
This is not one of my sayings. I have sayings, a few, but this is not one of them, and I am so impressed with #1 I almost do something as foolish as throw my arms around the timid creature, but I know if I want him within my general vicinity at all I must proceed with caution. So I gently slap his leg in glee and ask him where he got that from. He just shrugs his shoulders (the typical adolescent response to anything from, Where's your pants? to How did the dent get in the car?)
Maybe he won't starve to death in college after all.

Making rookie mistakes

Why isn't this called a therdadeter?

I cannot say the number of times I wished I had the knowledge of a pediatrician while I have been a mom. Starting from the first humiliating days when Alex's had his first cold. Now remember, it was my job to keep this kid alive and I took that responsibility very seriously. So when he was all of 9 pounds and sniffling and runny nosey and unhappy ( which with a colic child is very difficult to discern from their everyday unhappiness) I took him to a Saturday appointment at the doctor. You know it is serious if it's a Saturday appointment cause they charged extra for that and we were just newly a one income family. So we went, and the doctor said, " Why are you here?" They really need to work on the non-condescending tone. " Oh," She says, " this is your first child ( half question, half statement all condescension) he has a cold." So okay  a newbie mistake. We left the practice. I know too much to be spoken to like that, even if I don't know the difference between a life threatening stuffy nose and the common sniffles. A few months later, a new pediatrician. Alex had been very congested for a while ( they tried to tell me I should stop breastfeeding ( even I knew that was the wrong answer) ) and his congestion turned into a runny nose. On the phone with the Doctor and when I reported the change with excitement, the Dr commented, and I remember this " It's not as if something was stuck up there and it's now been dislodged and is allowing the mucus to flow". I thought that was a little over the top of him. How am I supposed to know the ins and outs of mucus and congestion, I am a licensed marriage & family therapist, NOT a pediatrician. I bet I could have told him a thing or two about his family life had I had them in a room together too, but I know enough not to do it in such a way that makes people feel stupid.

Fast forward 16 years, we have had multiple stitches,  adenoids removed, a car accident requiring an ambulance ride, several surgeries and more stitches ( in one week) an MRI, allergic reactions requiring speed-limit driving police to take us to the hospital., a drilled finger nail, glasses, a hearing loss scare, broken bones and strained ligaments, and the good ol' air-soft pellet to the eye. So a few weeks ago I notice one of #3's eyes was red, well pink. He had no itching or complaints of pain. I thought it odd, but he wasn't complaining. 3 weeks go by and still no change, so I start to wonder if one of the horrible side effects from last summer's eye trauma was happening behind the scene, so I make an appointment.
Turns out a pink eye means well um, pink eye. He wasn't trying to make me feel stupid, he actually reassured me it is a variation one doesn't often think about. My son  on the other hand, siting my 17 years of experience in motherhood, shook his head at me as we walked out of the eye doctor's office.
And as I do whenever these situations come up, I wished triplet girls on him.

HE smiled at me.

It's Prom season in Newtown. And this is not the Prom's of the 80's. Just logistically it is so very different. Rare is the Junior who has had his license long enough to drive his date. Plus with the 11 pm  car curfew, I am confident there won't be groups of kids camping out at Compo beach overnight like back in the day. ( I was the 4th kid, my parents were tired)
So these teens have the ever classy bus to drive them to their destination with Mom & Dad providing the driving too and from. I'm not complaining, I am sure there will be far less drinking & driving, & other activities teens like to engage in ( or at least that is what I am telling myself.)
Another change is it is no longer "The Junior Prom" it's just called PROM. & the class doesn't spend money sending out invitation that have been picked & designed by the class officers, (secretly also mentally preparing for their weddings) You just simply go and buy your tickets. Rather anticlimactic. I don't even know if there's a Prom theme, or if they will be getting those tacky engraved glasses we gave out.  Perhaps this is a more eco-friendly time. How many prom glasses have made their way to dumps after bouncing through tag sales?
Also different is how the asking goes. Apparently THIS is the big deal, the way to express the individuality taken by the restraints placed on the students. I have heard of a scavenger hunt, a T-Shirt laden group of minions propose at a local basketball game. I was thrilled to be asked for ideas by #1.
He asked me how I was asked. It was unceremonious but exciting each time. We ran through a few different possible scenarios the weekend before Valentines day, knowing V-Day would be the day of the asking. Settled on a Valentine Pez dispenser where a candy was replaced by a note with the word "Prom?" on it. He had to feign inability when his date to be asked him to do a forward flip on her trampoline for fear it would fall out of his pocket prematurely. It must have been hard for him not to display his physical prowess, for fear of exposure. Ultimately the deed was done.
We've been fighting about whether or not moms of the males are allowed at the group picture taking session. He insists it's a moms of females only thing. I have no idea where he gets his ideas from but this is the same kid who, a mere 4 weeks ago asked me if we owned a cutting board and skillet.  I insist if I don't go, he will be mad at himself for the rest of his life because I will remind of  it for the rest of his life.
I did get to take him for his Tux. After introducing him to the salesman, I stepped back & let them get the male type work done. Until, until he put on the jacket, and stepped in front of the mirror. And he turned to me, and smiled.

"That Mom"

Remember That Girl,  the sweet young girl trying to make it in New York. Longing for Donald to pop the question, " That Girl" being pulled from a line-up of dancers by Ethel Merman? She was sweet, funny, joyful.
Well I am apparently "That Mom" which carries none of the positive attributes of Marlo Thomas' character. "That Mom", is not a good thing according to the teenage boy sect. But you see,
"That Mom" is needed in today's world, & I carry the label willingly. I'd rather be "that mom" than " too busy Mom", or "disinterested Mom".
It started years ago, well with my childhood actually. I was brought up in a time that if Mrs Hook or any of the other adult neighbors, caught you doing something wrong, your mom was going to find out. Adults were adults & kids were kids and right was right & not everyone won the game and got a trophy, and complaining about your teacher resulted in your parents being upset with you, not your teacher. I happen to think there's some good stuff in there.
So while on vacation years ago and playing a giant game of Candy land,  a parent less child decides to sit close enough to the game board, after he won his loot, to steal more pieces. I am the mom who says, " You have had enough and that's not okay, put it back." Nicely, but with constant eye contact. I am the mom who,
during a Yankees game with my young boys, turned to the teens/early 20's behind me and asked them to watch their language in front of my kids, and they did & they were nice about it. I think the world wants us to be better. When we ask for better behavior, we often get it, and that's good for everyone.
I was " That Mom" last week when I informed the coaches association of a Freshman coach who not only verbally abused his team ( and their moms were there to see it!) but he threw his clipboard into the stands, and yelled whenever out team took a shot. Did I mention they were winning ... by alot? Someone needs to say, " It is not ok to talk to kids like that" & If I have to be that mom, I will.
I took #1 to UNC for a college visit. We were told there would be around 300 people during our time slot, and to get there early, as there were three time slots. Ten minutes into what was supposed to be a presentation no one was in the auditorium. I was staring to get the " That Mom" talk. " Mom don't do anything." We teased that they must be conducting a social experiment to see what people would do. Alex thought it was a test in patience. I told him I thought there was a communication issue and if it were a social experiment they were looking for who would just sit there and do nothing and who would find out how to make things better. Sitting was excruciating for me. My body was tingling with forced stayputtedness. Then I broke  25 minutes into what was supposed to be an informational session, I grabbed my phone and went to the hallway where I was that mom. I called the admission's office to let them know 300 people had been waiting for 30 minutes. They did not know. The person who was supposed to show was MIA, someone ran down and gave us a condensed speech.  I wish I had called ten minutes into the waiting. I have to give myself permission to be "That Mom". Even when it's unpopular with my kids, cause in the end, we all need her sometimes.

Passing of the taxi cab keys

It's here! It's finally here! Feb 11th 2012 , the day I can officially turn over the taxi cab keys to Alex. The day the State of Connecticut feels he has had enough experience so that my entire life can be driven around in his hands. I took a picture of the first time he & Nick got in the car together, they were ducking ( not ideal driving posture) so as not to get in the picture.

Then we all got in the car for my belated birthday dinner at The Melting Pot, ( shouldn't I be getting some type of advertising comission?) Alex at the wheel, Nick was on GPS & Michael decided it was his job to try desperately hard to keep me from being a back seat driver. & I really didn't want to be. I wanted to sit back there, all relaxed, enjoying being driven for the first time in a long time. Think about that, as a single mom, you don't get to be in the passengars seat much, & the back seat almost never. Ok, mind back on the task. So while Michael was trying to hold my hands down from grabbing Alex to show him how to drive and covering my mouth ,with a third hand that came out of no where, so I would stop making those noises I recall my  mother making constantly, Nick was steady at the helm with the GPS in hand. I had no idea my #1 son had no concept of what a mile was. " turn here?"  #2: " No in a mile". 2 seconds later,  #1: " Ok so this turn?"
 #2 " No now it's in .8 miles"  Pretty sure if #1 has no idea what a mile is, .8 miles is also lost on him. I really had no idea, kind of like when they say " In a minute" in a hospital~ unless you have been there before you do not realize that hospital minutes are 1=45 of non-hospital minutes. Up until recently a MILE was what he had to run  once a year for a fitness test and wanted to do it in less that 6 minutes. Now a little black rectangle is telling him his next turn is in this forgein term of measurement. Must be hard.

So we get to the resturant, have a wonderful dinner and are getting ready to leave. Nick looks at me and says, " If Alex is driving home would you sit in the front? I don't like being afraid for my life." I looked between my two young men, who are truly now two young men. Nick turned to Alex and said " You drive to fast and follow too close  like REALLY, where are you going? give them room! and you wait way too long before you break when you are coming up on a car in front of you." Spoken like a true ...little brother? Old Soul? Parent? He turned back to me and said, " I found myself stepping on the floor in front of me like I wish I had a brake there I could use" ( thought that was  a parent thing, guess it's instinct)
     Alexs' outraged response was " I haven't gotten into an accident yet"~ as if  ~ as if. Teen logic. I'm not dead so I guess everything I have done thus far is okay. Scary what we parents of teens are working with.
She didn't get pregnant last time we didn't use a condom so I guess we don't have to use one this time.. I didn't die last time I drank and drove so I think I can do it again, I obviosuly have skills others don't. I didn't hit a rock and crack my head open last time I bridge jumped so I bet it's all something parents make up to stop us from having fun, and there's no real rocks under the water. Scary. But it's what we've got.
       I hand over the taxi keys and watch all 6 legs of my life pack into the car of someone capable of killing them all in one moment of bad decision making. I breathe a sigh of relief that I can sit home and finally read some of my old Oprah magazines that are pileing up while I have been running the taxi service. Maybe with a glass of wine to take the edge off of the thought in the first line of this paragraph.

On-line dating

The world of online dating is complicated when you are a therapist. I found this out shortly after I was divorced when one of my clients found my profile on a dating site and inboxed me through it to ask to change his appointment time. When you are supposed to be, at times, not much more than a reflecting mirror, the last thing I needed was to have my personal life, and lame attempts at explaining " What I am looking for in a partner", and all the goofiness profiles ask you to lay out there, read by someone who was coming in to pay me to hear his life's trauma. He now knew too much and the balance shift was uncomfortable. I enjoy being a little, a lot, anonymous with my clients. Two seperate worlds- works for me:-).

Then there was the experience of when I had stopped at a deli to grab a snack with my boys prior to dropping them at their dad's house. A man recognized me from the site. I did not used my name in it, but a profile Id, he assumed it was related to my real name and started calling for me across the deli. I did not respond because, well he wasn't calling my name. So he walked over and asked me about the site, and if I was who he thought I was. Mind you my three elementary aged kids are hip high around me. I told him I was, but I was not able to chat at that time as I had the kids & was getting a snack then dropping them off. He did not take the hint. He stood near me trying to talk about how weird it was "that we bumped into each other at this place", and we should really talk. Meanwhile my little cubs were wondering why they didn't have mom's attention & who this intrusive guy was. As I was paying for their snacks, he said, " Now say 'Thank you' to your mom boys". And still asked if we could get together .I am sure it was coming from a well meaning place. After I dropped off the kids I went home and took my profile down again. ick.

I was off the market for a while, but am back semi-looking. My good friend Sue found someone right after her last child got their driver's license, she said it could not have worked out any better. I have a feeling it will be that way for me too. It's way too complicated to mesh three teenaged boys with any other type of family, or maybe I just like how things are running here just fine. Besides Nick's has been after me to become a foster mom for an  infant, and I am seriously considering it. Now that's a date breaker for sure.
Perhaps I need a little more time just here, just us , just enough.

But Chemistry.com is free this weekend, and looking can't hurt.

Define rude....

Getting my teeth cleaned is right up there with my yearly Gyn visit. Although I adore my midwife and can talked to her happily ignoring what she has to do. The dental hygienist is a different story. I do not like being held hostage in the chair being forced to listen to every stray thought that decides to meander through her head to the back ground noise of tartar being scraped from my teeth. And it takes energy, serious energy for me to say nothing, or grunt appropriately at intervals.
Today's rant went something like, " Do you read for yourself or for a book club?" she asks while it is impossible for me to answer between the two hands she has stuffed in my mouth. I brought the book to give off the idea of not wanting to engage in conversation. I sat there wondering if it would be rude to bring Walkman, yeah that was my first though should I bring a Walkman next time, then I realized it's not 1980 and I would be bringing my ipod nano with me. But is that rude, to overtly let someone know you do not want to chat it up with them.
Had I brought my ipod today, or at least headphone cause I could have plugged my phone it to my head I guess, I would have missed this titillating tidbit:

" I need to get a life, ha HUH! but I really don't have time to read. I like to read books that they are going to make into movies you know? I think they never make the movie as good  as the book and I like to rip it apart. Like "The Help", that movie was no where near as good as the book. Well I can't actually say that because I never actually saw the movie."  I would have missed that. I didn't bother telling her how many awards that amazing movie won.

So just to be clear, it would be rude of me to in anyway express to this young woman that I have zero interest in chatting while she is in my mouth, unless it is about my mouth? WHY would I be rude? Why isn't she rude for polluting the air with her silly rants?

For all I know you think I am polluting the world with my rant here. Well you don't have to read it. I am not holding you in a chair for 45 minutes with metal instruments scraping away at your mouth. And I am truly sorry if it feels like I am. :-)

Old Souls New Souls

I was raised Catholic but since my late teens, for a variety of reasons, have not settled in one religion. For a while, when the kids were young, we were members of the Unitarian Church. It was mostly because of the minister, warmth exuded from her and she officiated the " Welcoming" or my first son. She left and another pastor, who did not exude the same warmth, but officiated for the other two took over, then we moved. We tried a few other places of worship, none that have grabbed my commitment. This is not to say I am not spiritual. I talk to God daily. Mostly when he lovingly wakes me up a moment before the alarm goes off, and sometimes when I forget to set the alarm, he wakes me up in time to make sure the kids aren't late  I truly appreciate that. And the sunrise out my bedroom window, and many other blessing, such as my kids' health etc. I certainly like the idea of Heaven, that I will again see those I love and have lost. I haven't figured out how reincarnation fits into all this, but I have to believe it does.

Clearly there are old and new souls in the world. Nick, for example, I am pretty sure was Elvis. At 3 he had the whole lip and pelvis thing going. Now  you tell me, how? Who has that down at three? He certainly wasn't exposed to it on Sesame Street, Arthur, or Blue's Clues. Yet, there he was lip quivering and pelvis gyrating whenever I brought the video camera out. Plus his wisdom is way beyond his years, his social finesse..yeah he's been here before.
Then there's Alex, well, I am pretty sure he's a new soul. Which, while providing loads of dinner time chuckles, makes me a bit more protective and concerned for him. Here's an example: While dealing with the power outages last fall, he walked into the garage & exasperatedly asked " whose's brilliant idea was it to leave the cars in the garage? Now we can't get  them out!" Now this could be explained by lack of "prior knowledge", that's a big term they use in school these days, it's about what YOU the student already bring to the academic table, and as bright as my #1 is ( seriously he has a 4.0) he's a little short in this area. And I can only blame it on him being a first timer here on earth.
He had an assignment in 5th grade, ( which I thought was horrible) he had to write what he would do if he came downstairs one morning and found a note from his parents that they had left, and would be backed at some time in the future, some money would hypothetically left on the counter as well.( really who does that to a ten year old?) Alex's essay was about how he would hold up in his bedroom & wait, or die which ever came first...7 years later I'm not real sure his answer would be much better. Except he'd play that swearing rap crap really loud in the whole house.
Last week he had to make dinner for his Culinary class. " Do we have a skillet?" he asks, " Um really?" I think. I show him the skillet, on the stove, that he has watched me make tacos, meat sauce, fried chicken, chicken stir-fry, eggs etc in for years. A few minutes later he asks me, " Do we have a cutting board/?" I just hug him. It's not his fault he's a first timer.
Michael is a different story all together. He possesses a spiritual quality that is impossible to describe until you experience it, so I think he is pretty far along the reincarnation scale. He has a wisdom of the ages, and is a moral compass of love that puts me to shame at times. What the poor soul did to end up as the youngest in this family is beyond me.

Appreciating what you have

There's a popular saying, "Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have." and as you know, I am generally a happy lady. That is not to say I don't, at times, feel sad, lonely, unappreciated, and empty. I am, as a lot of us are, in this limbo place where I want to be available to my kids. I don't feel comfortable committing myself to something that would compete with that, a romantic relationship, a Phd, etc. That being said, my patchwork quilt of a life at times feels rich & full and at others, lonely and empty.

A big part of that richness is Adele. I know I wrote about her last week, & while I was writing that tribute, unbenownst to me, she was working her magic with my kids behind my back! Adele has frequently stepped in and supported the kids to show their appreciation and appropriate behavior when they were not given that guidance elsewhere. One Mother's Day, when they were young and particularly incapable of doing things on their own, she helped them create a Mother's Day redo, complele with breakfast in bed & a painted plate. She checked in with them at Christmas time, Mother's Day & my birthday to make sure they have bases covered. As Alex ia almost 17, I had not thought she was still doing that.

Well while I was busy avoiding her these last two weeks to have her suprise party go off without her catching me in a lie, she was busy contacting my boys getting them organized to give me a beautiful framed appreciation tribute for my birthday. It was a flowing poem of our memories and acknowledgement of what I represent for them. " your ridiculous dancing in the car". Most importantly she supported them to be better men.
I wish you all an "Adele", in your life. But not mine, she's taken.

Angels among us

There are people that inspired each of us to be who we are. One of them was my Girl Scout Leader when I was in elementary school. She was the mom of my classmate & friend Judy. Simply put~ she saw me. It sounds strange doesn't it? but in reality, where I came from, that was rare.
My Grandmother saw me, and on Tuesday she will be celebrating her 2nd anniversary of her freedom in Heaven. One of the many lessons I learn from my Grandmother is you are never too old to be valuable to someone. She was well in her 50's when we met, an entire lifetime lived before my existence, and yet she was one of the most profound influence in my life.
Her sister, my Aunt Rita, was another. Her attention , love, kindness, and companionship when I was a stay at home mom with three little boys got me through many difficult times. My children's lives, the good parts of me, would not be here with out these people.



Mrs Johnstone was different. With no family relation binding us, her gift to me was free and unexpected. As a sad and lonely little girl living in a frightening household, the Wednesdays I got to take the bus to Judy's, have dinner with them and stay till our Girl Scout meeting was over, was a peace and warmth I did not often experience. She made me feel worthwhile. She had time for me. Even when I exasperated her by being done quickly with any of our projects, the sit-up-on, the plates we made to commemorate the troupe, she would affectionately tease me and taught me how to twiddle my thumbs while I waited for the rest of the girls to finish.  It became a joke between us. I would hurry up and finish something and ask her what to do next, and she would tell me to twiddle my thumbs. I can still hear her voice singing " Day is done" and I remember the hand squeeze that ended every meeting. I don't know if she knew, the respite I received while in her care. Judy seemed to know I needed her mom. She called me a few days ago to let me know another one of my angels was going to return to heaven soon.  Suffering should end, and freedom granted. I know this is true, and after watching my own end of life for my Grandparents, I do look at death differently. And I am horribly sad for Judy and her family. Especially Judy's little girl, who will not get to know the woman who had so much enthusiasm and adventure in her heart ( any woman will to take a bunch of girls into the woods to cook over an open fire and sleep in A framed tents ROCKS).

The take away~ be someone's angel.  Best case scenario, be your own kids' angel. Being someone else's kid's angel is pretty awesome to. That's what these people taught me, and part of the reason I do what I do,

Thank you Mrs Johnstone and "good night scouts".

Ode to Adele

So last night I pulled off, with much help, an amazing feat. I surprised one of the sharpest women I know with an early Birthday Party. And I had two shots, so two big things in one night. If you have ever planned a surprise birthday party you know how anxiety provoking pulling it off can be. In the last hour I didn't know if she was clueless or torturing me with her 5 phone calls and a text, thus the first shot. The second one was to prove to her I did the first as she has never seen me have a shot before. And now I am not saying alcohol is the answer, but my xanax was at home. ( Hmm is she serious???)

Anyway it was a wonderful success, completely blindsided her. Having her bake the birthday cake helped, and the fact that her birthday is actually 5 months away. One of the activities of the evening was a sharing circle where people shared memories or said wonderful things, all with the intent of making the birthday girl well up with emotion & cry some more (we used to get extra points in therapy school if we got, I mean made room for,  our clients to cry during a session, without inflicting physical harm, that was frowned upon) As we were going around the room sharing, it came to my turn. I started telling the story about how Adele & I met & how it was instant admiration, and respect. She interrupted my story, as she always does to highlight the points she found important ( the fact that I just bought her dream house in town,) and I would have to wrestled away control to tell my side ( she verbally shred a woman who inadvertently put down a man I had the hots for) & the fact that Adele didn't know I had the hots for this guy and still shared my unexpressed opinion, I knew she was a keeper. My story got interrupted again by someone else taking the invisible talking stick and I was left with much to say and no subtle way to get the floor. I find I frequently get interrupted and lose speaking room in a group. Thus the blog I guess.

What I was going to say was Adele is the most amazing woman I have ever had the privilege to know. If I was stranded on a desert island, or going to Costa Rica, there is no one in the world I would rather be with. She is loyal to a fault (you know who you are) , brilliant, determined, compassionate, I make her laugh till she cries ( gotta love someone who thinks you are that funny,) honest, positive and a true presence. She has overcome unthinkable odds and created a strong and safe foundation for her children. She is a woman who is truly beautiful both inside and out. I would never have guessed, going to the mutual friend's shower so many years ago that I would have met a person who would change my life forever. But I did. And I am better for knowing her, as is anyone else whose life she touches. To you Adele & the next 50!
* That is not a reflection of her current age but more an estimation of how many more years I will be alive to enjoy her presence in my life~ felt like I needed to clarify that.

The gifts

 I imagine Christmas has always been daunting for my mom. What with 6 kids, 5 of them BOYS~ ( girls are so much easier to buy for ) plus she would always make sure she had gifts for the cousins, and someone from works daughter's niece's new baby. That's mom.
For several years (26 to be exact) our Christmas present had to match a certain letter of the alphabet. What you wanted was not exactly relevant, only if it matched her preordained sense of order. It was fun sometimes.,My brother Sean & I overtly competed for the coolest stocking stuffer following her rules. And the Z year was the first time I ever bought a " Zero" candy bar. God forbid you needed underwear any time other than the 21st year, it would not be coming your way. I am pretty sure the tree trunk was fairly bare during the x year.
Once mom finished her plan, she was left to her own devices. During that time my vegetarian sister-in law received cow PJ's complete with an udder and hoofed socks. I never clearly followed her thought process.
In 2010, following the death of her mother, mom got busy wrapping tons, literally tons, of little things for the bunch of us. The grandkids were given personalized Navy sized duffle bags filled with ~ well stuff. The guys were given 5 gallons buckets also filled with stuff( apparently fairly useful) and the women, a gift bag filled with , well~ things. Lets just say I trotted that bag out at more than one party looking for someone to try to help me make sense of the collection of zip lock bagged Chinese restaurant mints, fridge magnets, ceramic scary smiley faced flowers, neon colored light up floaty flowers a scrubby sponge, Pam, chachka etc etc etc.
My 6 year old Goddaughter found several things she was delighted with.
This year I came home one day to a box of mini cheese from Swiss Colony. The creation above was done by my niece Mikayla. She made an igloo with some other squeeze cheese that was in the box. I also received a black crew neck sweatshirt that reads Moms Of Marvelous Sons. that I threatened to wear to my kids sporting events if they don't behave.
And I know, all of her gifts come from the heart,and from a catalog that should be banned.
And I also know, my true gift from my mother, is the gift I have for my own children, loving them with all my heart, always. She loves me when I am funny, and needy and bitchy and down. She loves me when I don't feel loveable,and when I am on top of the world.  She listens whenever I call and even though she NEVER reads this blog, is my biggest fan.
So bring on the dollar store presents and the tacky sweatshirts. I will lovingly wear them to bed at night and think of your love surrounding me, keeping me warm.

The Bet

So I didn't win the bet. I stopped dating at number 15. To be fair, the last 6 weeks of the year were really busy, things I would rather be doing than meeting strangers. Also though, I was so dissappointed when my amazing 2 1/2 hour preliminary conversation turned into a dud of a date 3 days later, I am sure that lead to me dragging my feet at the end of the year. Tina said my punishment was to buy her a skinny grande latte at Starbucks & say nice things about her. I told her it sounded like she wanted a first date with me.

But, it's a New Year, so I hopped on to eharmony for the free weeekend to see what I could see. Well as luck would have it, you are not allow to see anything on a free weekend. I have 187 matches. Most of which have not been active for 3 years and no pictures. So basically it was overwhelming with a few signs of hope.

As my business grows ( REALLY GOOD THING!) I spend more time alone at work with people I cannot date( not such a great thing) So the internet seems like a reasonable choice. A friend did pursue a dating service, only to not get called by them to confirm the appointment, so she bagged them. If they can't confirm an appointment how are they going to get her a date?

So I signed up. Just a 3 month membership with an astronomical upgrade in price when I forget to cancel. So I wrote CANCEL on my calendar the week beforeit is needed. Now if I only remember what I am cancelling. Someone write me and remind me, will you?
With the purchase I get pictures. And I am not so sure that that was a good thing. I have some questions about it actually. What's with the motorcycles? With & without riders on them? And the fish? What's with the fish? Is it a hobby thing? Do they really want to see pictures of me scrapbooking? Or of a finished page of my scrapbook? Or maybe the back of my head with a view of the TV in front of it with one of my favorite old Hepburn & Tracy movies on?
For some of the guys, to answer the question " What are you most passionate about?" the answer is often a sports team. I asked my brother about this, he said it was more about them testing if I would tolerate them liking a sports team. With I have 5 brothers and three sons,  I get it.  A Sunday to go do whatever I want? Works for me. Heck, I can even sometimes curl up and watch some with them, as long as I can have my Oprah magazine nearby.
Wait, should I take a picture with that?