There's another star in the sky tonight

One of the ten most important women in my life passed away. She suffered for a long time, and lived a long full life, yet I ache.

I was told about her before I met her. I was told, " If you want to be a great therapist, you go to Southern." Tales of the tough, no nonsense program director spread like any good gossip, and created a charged atmosphere that I am pretty sure she enjoyed. I was 22 when I went for the interview, with her grad assistant, not with her, but she had to maneuver around the chair near the grad assistant's desk where I was. After the third maneuver, she looked at me and said, "You are in my way!" I was shocked, (it was their set up) and amused, and scared. I am pretty sure I spent the next four years, as my respect and admiration for her grew, vacillating between those emotions.
 Barbara sparkled. When she was pleased or excited, like if someone replenished the fireballs, she sparkled. When you "got" a concept you had struggled with, she sparkled, or she walked away to let you absorb it without your ego needing her admiration.

She challenged me, she spoke the truth. She supported me. She showed me options I did not know existed. She taught me a math game to help keep minds sharp, and was hers ever! She was funny. She delighted me with stories of child rearing, I felt like I had a glimpse of Divine getting to listen to her. She cared about people, and worked for the children, and the children's children.

I remember after one of my last one way mirror sessions ( I'm the therapist with the couple on one side, a group of students & Barbara on the other), we would follow up with brief supervision meetings. I was nervous, as I always was with Barbara behind the one way, she could require you to justify why you did anything you did in session. She walked away & said, " I have nothing to say." I was confused, oh yeah, I spent a good deal of time confused, just one of many spots on the road to growth. Pats on the back were not handed out, but not needing to go over a session, that was about as good as it got, (I was told by a more experienced student.) I had spent four years challenged, confronted, supported and respected. & I had the time of my life.
After I graduated, I was able  to have Barbara continue to supervise me. It was such a blessing. She was this first person I told I was pregnant, and the one I told about my ambivalence of being pregnant.  She responded," I expect nothing but complete honesty from you, you are incapable of anything else. Most women would not want to admit that." And after 28 years of being told I was supposed to be " Nice" Barbara, indirectly,  helped me find my inner bitch, and assured me every woman should have control over hers as a very necessary part of oneself. She met my boys, I know they will never remember, I wanted her to see them. And them to be near the woman who made me a better mother than I could have ever hoped to be without knowing her.
After I stopped working I kept in touch via Christmas cards & emails. And a yearly thank you note I would send after I attended yet another conference that taught me just how much she already taught me. She was always there when I needed words of wisdom, support or  a reality check. She seemed to always be there at challenging times of my life. She read a tribute I wrote about my grandmother after she passed away, and said, she can only hope someone would have such wonderful things to say about her at her time. I can't hope to effect the thousand's of people Barbara's life effected, but I will try for hundreds, in her honor.
And last Thursday, when my 8 am client said about a challenging conversation, " & I heard your voice in my head". I smile knowingly. I am blessed to have Barbara's voice in my head, I hope to have a spec of her wisdom in my brain, and a portion of her ability to love in my heart. And when I am feeling a little sloppy as therapist, I pretend I have to justify my every move to her, and she makes me a better person.