Negotiating Freedom

I had the pleasure of the company of my 17 year old for 26 hours a few days ago. We went on an overnight ride down to look at a few colleges in VA. I also had the pleasure of once again getting a parental evaluation from him. Aside from being banned from all sporting events that he plays in for over a year, and the prerequisite " you don't get it mom" that I hear weekly, this time I was criticized for sheltering them too much.  This from a young man who leaves home on a Friday morning, and unless he has a lot of homework, I generally don't see him til dinner on Sunday as he hops around with his friends.

He was comparing our family with his friends,and granted the fact that both myself and his father own our own businesses gives us better flexibility than most people. I work my schedule around what they need, and certainly being divorced, I do my socializing when the kids are with their dad, and I suspect he does the same. So when they are with either of us, we are generally there ( apparently that is specifically annoying) He surmised that the kids whose parents are less available will be better able to adjust to real life. He suggested I do too much for them. okay, I'm game.

I asked if he was ready to start doing his own laundry. To which he replied, " Mom, I have 5 AP classes this year. With working out and homework , how can I do that?" I said, " Okay I would rather you focus on school work anyway." Then I threw out another idea." How about you wake yourself up in the morning, make your own breakfast & lunch so I can work out first thing."  " NO, not that" ,he says,"I have to get up soo early and there's no way I can be that organized first thing in the morning." "Oh, okay sooo you want me to back off, but do everything for you?" " I can make my own lunch on the weekends, " he offers.
 I have to admit, I do worry about him, a year from now , without me to point out you may have to move the milk to find they ketchup in the fridge, or to put down the lid of the washing machine if you want it to clean our clothes. Luckily it seems these colleges hold their hands in some ways, sounds like the food choices are plentiful, he will find the gym immediately, and there are advisers available. yeah he will be okay. Even after being ruined by an over-protective parent like me.

Lessons from mother nature

Check out this great MSN video - Bear Cubs Rescued From Dumpster

I will admit, may have already admitted this, when the boys were babies, I watched animal planet a lot. I figured they have been doing this parenting thing for a long time without the need for prescription meds, therapists, and a juvenile court system. So, I turned in and paid attention.

Certainly three boys can appear like bear cubs. My family room cushions were on the floor more than they were on the couches, clothing was optional a good deal of the time, affectionate wrestling , warrior yells and pretending were all common occurrences. I think, for the most part, so far Mother Nature was a good mentor.
So I watched this video, and was reminded of some of the basic tenets I  embarrassed when they were small. Don't do things for them they can do for themselves. Sometimes you have to stand nearby pacing and watch them struggle. Help can come from unexpected places, be open to it. Never turn your back on danger. As soon as the strongest is safe, start leading again, your movement will send a message to the weaker ones that you expect they can handle it. Trust that deep down inside, despite their adolescent stubbornness, they know they should follow you because you are wise, you are strong , you are the momma bear.

Alex had his senior pictures yesterday. I cried ( not a big cry, teary that's all), he said " Stop it". :-)

She keeps teaching

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."` Emerson This poem was used as part of the eulogy for my Supervisor Jane Lobdell. You would have thought it was written about her. I aspire to have it be true about me as well. Thank you Jane for guiding me, even after you've passed.

The tough job of being an adult

*I wrote this in the week leading up to the last game, a game they played hard but ultimately did not win. That fact does not change the points in this, what is likely to be, an unpopular post.

Decisions decisions. So much of parenting is about decisions making, Breast or bottle?, time outs or distraction? pre-school? Montessori? Force them to wear hats & gloves or let them learn what cold feels like?
I made my life somewhat easier in that the boys mostly make my decisions for me, by their behavior. Early on I realized the power of natural consequences, and luckily for all of us, they do their homework, chores, get the good grades, so I rarely have to say "No " to anything.
Now I am faced with a decision I resent having to make. My 8th graders' football team is doing really well. One win away from being invited to the National Championships in Florida. Kudos to them, they work hard. And this is my problem, what adult or group of adults felt that 8th graders NEED a National Championship? What group of football lovers thought 13 year old's time is better spent, out of school, playing football, at great  financial expense to the adults in their lives? And for what? An Uncle Rico moment of reliving what they had when they were 13?
These boys, from Newtown CT, are most likely NOT going to the NFL. We have some talented players, don't get me wrong. I am sure more than one football scholarship is in the making on this team. But is this extravagance necessary? Can't we have 50 state winners? Where has youth sports lost all perspective?
My son is not one of scholarship eligible, but I am confident I would feel the same if he got in more than his 4-6 plays a game. It's football- not brain surgery. I hate that some group of adults have made a decision that forces me to make a decision of having him participate in something I do not believe in.
I grew up with football. All 5 of my brothers played for all or most of their childhood & high school years. Heck, I was the mascot for my high school team when I was a senior. I understand the game, I enjoy watching it. My brother, a former football star in his own right, also thinks youth sports has lost all perspective, feels my son should go, even though he is likely to get in only 8 plays, because he is part of a team.
I won't go, I cannot lose a weeks worth of clients in between Thanksgiving and the Christmas holiday. But that doesn't mean he can't go, his dad may take him, or he can be sent with another family on the team, both of which makes me feel like crap. Certainly to fly down for the final game is cost prohibitive and ridiculous. Why do we adults do this to each other & to our children?
I am assured it will be fun. I am a big lover of the fun. Aargh.....
Why do we amp up the ridiculous? I remember hearing a dad justifying travel baseball, where you have to spend weekends at hotels, as necessary for the kids to learn how to travel. Are you kidding me? And what is the effect on the child? I get complaints all the time from parents that kids "these days" have no perspective. Well gee, when  athletically blessed kids get to take a week off of school to stay in hotels to play a few games, what can we expect of them?
To make matters worse, an elaborate plan of basically begging for money at churches and companies was quickly being put into play,(if we won). I was embarassed that it was being asked of the kids. There are families out of work, for years, families in need of food , heat, clothes,the Holidays are coming and we are going to set out 35 boys at ask for support so they can go on a trip to Florida, to play football ? Really? And the KIDS have lost perspective?

These M & M's aren't good for you either 

So I understand I am "old", and just like parents of the 50's were concerned about Elvis and his gyrating pelvis, I have concern about my children and what they listen to. I played Raffi, and classical music in the background while they were growing up. When we wanted to rock out, the Wiggles were there for us to dance party to. "Hip Hop Noel" was a favorite from Disney at the holidays.

I have not liked, but have tolerated, to a point( three swear words and the son must be changed, sometimes we don't make it thru the first stanza) my very white, a little preppy, health conscious and academically responsible boys' affinity for Hip Hop & Rap. I even went so far as to take one of them & their friends to a concert. But what I heard yesterday just threw me over the edge. It did.

When the boys were young we often sang the duet of  Carly Simon & James Taylors' " Mocking Bird" when I was putting them to bed. It was fun, and a good memory. Some nights when we had more time we played a game where they would throw out a word and I would sing a song that had that word in it. That was pretty cool as well. Until, well #2, always a precocious child,one night he threw out  "Testicles" ( we were anatomy appropriate in my house no "gaslapogus", or "vajay jee" for us)  & I had to admit defeat. I knew of no song, nor did I ever care to know of a song, that contained the word testicles. it's not melodic

So we are driving yesterday and he puts on his rap crap and I hear the word "vagina"  in a song, yep, "Vagina"  Are you kidding me? There are not enough words in the English language to use we now have to use basic anatomy words for songs? Are we singing about ovaries yet? How about a pancreas?

What gets me more then this, is what does the future hold? The sexual innuendos of my youth : "Afternoon Delight" prove too cryptically challenging to figure out for today's youth? They have to have it spelled  out with directions of what to put where and details on how things work? What sounds to anticipate and where to leave your number as you leave? Am I being old?

And most importantly, What the heck are my grandchildren going to listen to?

Things you can count on

So I had a rare opportunity of spending some time with Bev Jean tonight. Michael was " graduating", I use the term loosely, from 8th grade. And true to my word, I would go if he wanted to go. As mom & I are heading over to the campus, she confidently tells me this is the month I will meet " Someone". You know the "someone" the friends & family of a single person hope for for the single person. And the "Someone" a single person hopes will be funny, and love their kids and be a good guy, a really good guy. So Mom said I will meet this someone in an unusual place, and she encouraged me to go to the Unitarian Church I have been talking about checking out. I said, " Cool" and got to preoccupied with her heavy breathing and holding up people behind us while walking to the ceremony, to worry more about men in unusual places.

While in the ceremony Mom was comparing it to my niece's ceremony that she had attended last week. She commented on what I should do the " next" time I attend an 8th grade graduation. I reminded her that this was my last child. She smiled at me and said, " you never know, you might get your girl". I am sure my face was a bit screwed up at that suggestion. I reminded her (I seem to remind her of things a lot), that I am 46 and my child bearing years were probably behind me, despite of my heart's willingness. I did a quick calculation, I don;t want to be 66 at a graduation. She just smiled and said" You never know".

As we were leaving the ceremony I allowed my curiosity over my mother's confident assertions to
be voice. My mom spends a good deal of time talking to relatives who have passed, & wrapping my kids, and I am sure myself, in Angels, and she's a daily parishioner at ST Greg's, so I thought maybe there was some divine communication she was operating off of. So I said, " Mom, where are you getting this information about me meeting someone from?"  " TV Guide" is her response.

" TV Guide horoscope" She cautioned me it wasn't in effect until the 22nd.  I laughed, come on you would laugh too!

Then I thought about it. TV Guide does accurately predict what is on TV 24 hours a day 7 days a week, maybe it's as good as any. Or maybe the confidence, if you can call it that, from her confidence, will project to the universe and Voila!  He will be here.....Of course, you will be the first to know! After TV Guide that is.

Bitterness Warning HIGH!!! Don't read if you can't handle honesty

So many years ago, when I was in a better financial situation than today, someone who I have been friends with since early childhood was in a very tough spot. She was faced with loosing her home to foreclosure. Against my attorney's suggestion, I loaned her over 20K, yep, 20K. It kept her kids in their home, and she promised to pay it back within 3 years.

5 years later, she had a new car, new carpeting, a running pool , an entire new wardrobe and new furniture, actively donated to causes that gave her good exposure and I had nothing. I had heard rumors from other people that she was shady when it came to money, stories of stiffed carpet companies, and questions about her integrity in caring for a family member. But I lead with the heart and I believed her when she talked about how important our friendship was.
My friends were furious at me for being a patsy. I made as many excuses for her as she did at  times. While she took her kids out for dinner, bought ball gowns, sent out the Christmas photo cards each year, she gave me zip. She started paying, a little , sometimes, when she felt like it. But by then I had had enough. I needed to look at the patterns of picking people who were abusive, and not speaking up until the relationship was too far gone. I had to severe all ties to get any kind of regular payment, and even that, after having the numbers run, was equating to $15 per month off of principle.
God do I feel like an idiot.

Fast forward a year, roughly  $170 from the original loan has been payed back. Her current arrangement ( that she is willing to do) is $35 per week, except when it doesn't come in each week. Like it hasn't for the past 5 weeks. She is full of excuses and not "understanding" how it keeps happening. I don't know, but she was the person who turned me on to on-line banking 8 years ago. I have never had the type of issues she has been having with her bank. Oh yeah, except it's my bank too, sooooo

So tonight, after once again getting no money from her, when she texted me that she ran into my children out having dinner, and I didn't take well to her complimenting how good they look, ( I need money from her, not her opinion of my children's good looks) I was told I was "bitter."

I'm working two jobs & on weekends because she has not paid me back, yeah I am bitter. If I had that money, I would not be bitter. I would not ever be friends with her again, as she is unscrupulous, selfish, dishonest and lacks integrity. Oh but she doesn't want me questioning her decisions, or lack of commitment to repaying the loan,  that kind of stuff cause it makes her feel bad.
The last thing you want to do to a person who takes advantage of a friendship, and does not honor their responsibilities is make them feel bad about themselves.
Yes it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth:
So I googled it :
A lack of, or change in, taste often occurs when something interferes with the normal taste process.

THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. THE NORMAL PROCESS WOULD HAVE BEEN TO HONOR THE GIFT I GAVE AND PAY IT BACK IN TIME AND FORGO PERSONAL WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
The wonderful woman I wrote about it my last blog once said "No good deed goes unpunished" How right she was.