the rope bridge

Lisa & Michael, Nick & Alex on the bridge

In 2002 the kids & I went to Hawaii. We met one of our old au pairs there for a wonderful week of exploring and fun. One of the most memorable parts of the week for me was when we discovered the Hanapepe swinging bridge. It was exhilarating walking across the bridge as it shifted from side to side, a slight sense of danger adding to the excitement. I remember clearly,  Nick, making his way a few yards in front of me, getting a kick out of the unsteady steps and crying out, "Please God don't let me die here! I'm a good person. I'm named after Santa Claus!" 

It's what we all want, "Please God don't let them die here." Adolescence is that swinging bridge. The steps are unsteady, and ever changing and the last thing we want them to do, is fall. But how do we support their travels from the safety of  the terra firma that we created for them, to the land of their own lives?

There are a lot of questions, ones I struggle with , ones my friends or clients struggle with. On somethings I am more than firm and clear. My priorities for my children and my support of my priorities for my children. Their first is school, going, doing what is required, doing the extra that is offered. This is all done to afford them the possibilities of choice when it comes to higher education and hopefully life. But that's not what I say, I say "it's your job, do it" .

The sticky ones are more about exposure to life. Alex asked me if I was going to make him abide by the laws about driving when he got his license. While I would LOVE for him to be able to drive his siblings around right away, if I say he is allowed to disobeyed, who am I to question when he disobeys my rules for him?

That being said, I speed sometimes. 25 mph is ridiculously hard to maintain. With that I accept the consequences for getting a potential ticket. I work for the money that will pay that ticket. I am an adult and am allowed to make that decision.

Alcohol is another issue. A former client contacted me. They had found several bottles of hard liquor in their son's bedroom and in the basement where he had recently hosted a post prom party. They were nearly empty.

In the course of our conversation, it was reveal that the parents had given the overt sign that beer (although illegal) was ok as long as they didn't see it, but hard alcohol was not. These parents were surprised their rules were not followed. I gave them a small education as to what they had to lose if, God forbid, someone who was at their houe left and was caught drunk driving or worse.These are intelligent, well intentioned, church going, professional, adults. Why they would open themselves up to this liability is hard to grasp.

I think, instead of remaining on terra firma, they joined their teenager on that swinging bring.Their desire to perhaps seem "cool" or stay "in touch" with their child made them lose perspective as to the job of a parent. As any one who has ever been on a swinging bridge knows, having more than one person on it makes navigating it more difficult.

I love my job. Earlier in the week I had to tell another set of parents that the only one who was allowed to act crazy while their daughter was a teenager was, the teenager. They seemed to understand what I was saying.

Stay on terra firma folks. The swinging bridge is for the kids.