just shut up

Oh I know it's not the kindest phrase, and in reality not one I use too much, if at all. I am far more likely to yell "Jimeny Crickets", much to the embarrassment of some, than the other popular JC phrase. There are times though, many times, that we as parents need to do just that. "Just shut up". With all do respect and reverence to the sacred and critical act of parenting. There are times we get in our own way. And make it worse. We have the power to make it much much worse.

My dear friend, and red tent buddy, Jane & I have joked for years that I should write a parenting book by that name. Not sure how many people would flock to pay to be insulted by that title.Then again the "For idiots" books sell well... I digress. I have seen very often in my practice and in life when parents are impeding the growth and development of our young with our own"stuff:", and that stuff often comes out spewed in moments of anger, frustration or disgust. Many times prolonging what should have been, could have been, a quick logical lesson for our offspring into a emotionally charged  & traumatic event,. Sometimes so much so that the original lesson is completely lost. It is, at these times, that I say to myself and to you, fellow traveler on the road to grand-parenthood, "Just Shut Up".
Prime example: A parent was having trouble getting the four year old to keep open the basement door. The cat litter box was kept on the steps to the basement and it was important for them to have access to their "potty". To make matters worse, the cats had adopted her large "wedding plant" as their substitute lu. This was a beautiful plant, the focal point of the entryway and significant to the parent in that the plant had been a wedding gift and was thriving, symbolically of the marriage. It was getting poisoned by the cats.  After dealing with this for a while, she was frustrated her reminders were not effective in helping her child remember what to do. So one rainy afternoon (we are all a little crankier in the rain aren't we?) she had had it. She went into her regular speech about how important it is to keep the door open, and the standard " How many times do I have to tell you..." ending with  "If I find you shut that door again, I am going to.. to---poop on you!"  That was a time, where " Just shut up" would have come in handy. All three of her kids got a bit wigged out by the statement.
We all do it.We take a simple message and send it down the river of anger which coats it with our own frustrated unresolved issues and dump it on the heads of the vulnerable and dependent. And if we all did it just a little less, the world would be a better place.  My mom had one, something she said when she was beyond frustrated " Don't come to my grave when I die, I will sit up and spit on you".  The images I remember floating around in my head after this statement as a 9 year old child. Oye!  Just not saying anything would have been a better option, or "Jimeny Crickets" could have worked. Recent studies suggest swearing when injured actually relieves pain. That would have been better. Although there is a difference between stubbing your toe and telling a kid to brush their teeth 15 times.
Years ago I adopted a phrase that sounds powerful but means very little, in Spanish, the only one I remember from Spanish class, that I would say that let the boys know I was nearing the end of my rope. It was never a put down to them or a threat. Just a statement that means "we only have a few strings left here on mom's rope.." I am going to hack it up trying to remember the phonetics 30 years later, but it was something like "Anque le mona se vista de seda, mona se queda." Translation, although the monkey wears a dress, it is still a monkey. Anyone who knows Spanish feel free to comment with editorial help. It means nothing really, but feels really good to say.

There are other times we parents need to "Just shut up", namely at our kids sporting events where we run the gambit from just mildly embarrassing them by calling them by their nickname,  (sorry panda), to getting  an entire group of spectators for the team thrown out of the gymnasium by our bad behavior ( that one was not me). Mother nature has a pretty good plan here, she teaches us from the birth of our children that we will be painfully letting of them from that moment on. We do not need to add to the pain with our own unresolved issues. We can maintain a level of dignity and respect for ourselves and our kids and "Just Shut Up."

And get therapy. :-)