16 Years ago today

I met a boy. A boy who would change my life in profound and delightful ways. I never felt more right. More tired, more frustrated, more love, more joy, more worry. And nothing and everything has changed.

I labored, and had no idea I was in labor with my Bichon at my side, watching "Arthur" on TV at 2 am. When I woke up Alex's dad at 5:00, we still had no idea it was real. We got to the hospital at 7:30 and Alex made his appearance of 11:03 a.m.( do not be jealous, every subsequent child took longer) The nurse chided me for having natural child birth.(B*&ch)

As a first time mom, I didn't think to protest when they took him from me to warm him under the fake lights. By my second baby I knew to hold him next to my skin to achieve the same result in a more loving fashion. And to challenge standard hospital procedure in favor of what was best for my child. He made me stronger. It was surreal, I was expected at work, he was a week early.

I had heard things, like you loose all sense of modesty...and I did, anyone and everyone who could help me figure out breastfeeding was welcome to observe, manipulate and assist. I remember standing bare chested at the hospital window waiting for the lactation consultant, when I realized I was bare chested looking out the hospital window. Hello down there in the parking lot! Nothing mattered, well nothing but him. I recall being driven home and realizing people, like my mom, and my grandparents, and siblings, and husband and his family and friends, all expected me to keep this baby alive. Holy Crap!  It was overwhelming, and I was 28 with a Masters degree! I prayed every night that year, that he was alive when I woke up in the morning. Lucky for both of us he didn't actually believe in sleeping at night, for the full year.

There are many things no one tells you, cause you wouldn't believe them. And I know Alex has no way of knowing how profoundly his coming into my life effected me, and he will not know until a someone places his child in his own arms. The depth and ability to love we humans are capable of. It is magnificent.

16 years later and I know Panda, you don't get why sometimes I just need to see you, look at you and just absorb your presence every once in a while.That I miss carrying you to bed by piggy back, which I did until your legs were longer than mine. That I miss how easy just snuggling and cuddling was, but how happy I am for you about the pride you take in your nutrition and maturing body. I know you look to the future full of hope, excitement and great possibilities. And I wake from a dead sleep in a full sweat at the thought of you driving on our windy New England roads. And I do my best to smile for you, encourage you forward and keep the tears and worry to myself.

Roots & Wings my mom always said, "Give them roots, then give them wings". And a job done well means they leave you. This kind of sucks, no one tells you that.