Days Gone By

Alex is 15, I don't see him much anymore. I was surprised tonight when I came out of my session to find him putting away the dishes in the kitchen ( really he was). I did not expect to see him until tomorrow afternoon, after his work-out, pick-up basketball, dinner at a friends, volunteer service, sleep-over & the wake up at noon that has become his typical Friday night. I miss him, I have been missing him for a year or so now. I don't think I miss him as a thirteen year old, the boy who sat at MY computer and informed me I should butt out of something because it was HIS life. Nope, don't miss him.

I recently found a video of the kids. I had three under the age of 4. When I was tired, I sat on the floor and took out the video camera. And they danced. They sang, they told jokes " Why did the chicken cross the playground? " Alex sheepishly asks, looking sideways into the lens. He waits for the best comedic timing a four year old can muster. " To get the the other slide!". " Why does Santa like to garden?" again, perfect timing, " Cause he likes to ho, ho ho!" Go ahead you can use them.

I miss him.

I miss his voice, I miss his smell, I miss his softness and his knowing smile when he understood far more than his tender years should have. I miss the smile he saved for me, his mom. .I miss his fancy hair in the mornings, and the freedom he had running around naked with just a blanket tied around his neck as a cape.I miss watching him discover things.  I tried to explain this to him one Friday morning recently as we were sitting in the car before he was heading to his dad's for the weekend. I asked him what his plans were for the weekend and got a very grump " I don't know". I asked for clarification, ( yes he has admitted to HATING having a therapist for a mother), of whether he had no plans or did not truly know what they were. Then with all the ease of the dentist removing my back molar, he told me the few plans he had nailed down for the weekend which resulted in only10 hours unaccounted for time. I explained again, that there was a time, that he will never remember that I knew everything about him.. That I had the luxury of watching him sleep, and I was the first person he wanted to tell if anything exciting happened, like he saw a squirrel climb up a tree. And while I knew the pink slip was coming, or my job at the very least was being downsized to part-time, or on call, Per Diem as we call it in my field, it is hard to handle.

I was great at my job. I never complained being woken up in the middle of the night. I sang "Nobody knows the poopie I've seen" over dirty diapers, I was the queen of tent forts in the family room and picnics in the rain. We danced, we sang. Some of my friends marveled at all the children's tunes I could remember, and yes I LIKED THE WIGGLES -there I said it. Judge me if you must.  We watched bugs crawl, read endless stories, learned all the dinosaurs names even though after my prayers to God about a health child I also added I hoped I did not have one that was into dinosaurs. Heck I even had the first 150 Pokemon memorized! All that skill, now no where to go with it. All that love and ...

I appreciate the man my son is becoming. It is a pleasure to watch him relaxed with his friends, laughing, joking around. I delight in being able to talk about grown-up topics ( so glad he is taking the sociology class I suggested). I rub his back whenever I walk by him, I tell him I appreciate his help, I get the foods he likes and always pick him up at the gym with his protein shake ready for him. I enjoy watching him take interest in his life and the after high school world that is approaching And yet...

"Kiss today good-bye  the sweetness and the sorrow wish me luck, the same to you. And I won't forget what I did for love..."