By the time my first son, Alex ,was born, I was a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 9 years experience working with families and children. I was still internally struggling with the Nature VS Nurture debate, but smugly leaning toward nurture. I worked in homes with children whose teeth were black and rotted out as they were growing in because they were given sweets to quiet them all day long.Young children who were out of control and disrespectful with parents distracted by their own needs to feel loved to bother providing the boundaries and guidance their offspring needed to feel safe and loved themselves. It was clear to me, with all the arrogant certainty of anyone who has never actually HAD a child can possess, that "it" was all in the nurture. A child would do thrive as long as they were given the "right" environment, simple, I thought.
I should mention I was pregnant at the same time as two of my sister-in-laws, so it was easy to have my own little N VS N case study. Our babies were born within a 5 week period of time. We were different mom's in different situations, 2 of us had boys, 2 of us had Graduate degrees, one high school, 2 of us financially sound, one was living tight and going back to work after a few months off. I had quit drinking alcohol an entire year before I even got pregnant "preparing my self to be a vessel for life" was a common line I used at parties to ward off the wine. How I never had a beer thrown in my face is a testament to the good people in my life at the time. One was still smoking. One was very nervous, every article read meant a new potential disfigurement in her child or birth defect. I read everything I could find, was calm, excited and eager to meet my child.
I didn't even know I was in real labor when I went into the hospital, Alex was born 4 hours later. A week early to boot!
And then my darling baby proceeded to cry and scream for the next three months straight, stopping only to nurse, take cat naps or when I was driving him in the car. During that time a man was arrested for sticking a sock in his step son's mouth to stop him from crying, While I would never do anything like that, I completely understood the thought process. I understood loosing it. I went to the line. I got it. I thought things I never thought I'd think. I begged him to sleep. I cried, I bribed ( I 'm pretty sure one delusional 4 a.m. bout brought a negotiation involving a new car when he was 16). Too bad he didn't fall asleep, he's 16 in February. Colic is colic.
Meanwhile a few towns away I had a nephew who would sit in his swing for hours content to watch the birds or leaves out the window, and a niece one state over who would fall asleep while she simply sat on her mom's lap. Her mom had a lap, which means my sister-in-law could sit down, which means her child did not scream whenever she tried to sit down. I wondered what that was like.
 |
| Guess which one is Alex |
Alex & I made it through and he taught me so much. And much to my satisfaction the remainder of his first year was spent with strangers approaching me in stores and on the street commenting on how happy he was. I learned what he needed and gave it to him. There was no formula for the "right" environment. Not one right environment. I learned that our job as parents is to welcome our child into the family, and make room for his or her own individual needs. Often times their needs makes us stretch and grow into more than who we are, and take us out of our box, challenge our fantasies. And we are the better for it. My mom used to say " You don't go into their world, bring them into yours" I disagree, I believe you need to go to their world and understand your child's individual needs, even if it means you have to make compromises in your world. Children do not ask to be born. We decide to have them, the least we can do if figure out who they are and what they need and do our best to provide it.
No comments:
Post a Comment